He's ordinary.
: )
Over the weekend, I had an epitome of sorts. I thought you should all know that, first off.
I will never be satisfied in this lifetime, unless I accomplish something real, and great, and "big.." At least in a sense of the word that satisfies me. There is no way that I would be able to settle with myself, learning something simple, easy, normal. I need to do something great, and I'm going to. I will be different, in a way that is simple enough to make me happy. I am just realizing that I would feel so let down, like I had completely given up on myself, if I didn't. I can't let that happen.
I'm right back to the original "square one" in my life, finding out that what I didn't think I wanted, is actually what I needed. I'm sure that not a lot of this will make sense, but that's alright. I'm back to the days of my childhood dreams of working with people, the environment, animals, and charity. Katelyn and I have found an organization that is exactly what we've been looking for, for this stage in time. When I know a little more about it, I will share the details. Until then, I will say that, since the very beginning, I should've just sucked it up and forced my way through the mess, until I had finished with it.
After talking to a friend over the weekend, it has built back up the confidence that I needed so badly. It has made me believe that this year [i][b]is[/b][/i] going to be different. It has told me that although I don't love what I'm doing right now, it's okay; I'm not alone in that, and, it is just today. Just one part of my life; Tomorrow can and will be different.
Starting now, I am going to get up, and go to my classes. Sure, there are certainly, 100% guaranteed, going to be days when I won't do it, but I am damn well going to try my best. I am going to suck it up and finish, because I can. I am going to try to get the best marks again, and I am going to feel accomplished, at the end of the day. I am going to impress. I am going to make you so proud.
I will love the environment, and animals, and I am going to help people. It's what I'm supposed to do, I know it. I've known it all along, and I can't believe that I ignored it. I'm going to have to work a little in order to try and find out how, exactly, and it will take some time. I'm okay with that. For the first time in a long time, I am okay with what is going on. It's like I've gotten back into touch, with reality.
It is going to be a lot of hard work, but I am going to do it.. And, I am going to feel so great about it. I feel like I could actually make things better. I really, honestly do. I'm sure that there are a lot of people in this world, who think that they are the only one who is going to change it; That they are unique and special, and that they have the potential to do something absolutely fabulous, or help a lot of people..
I really believe it.. I do. I think that I can do a lot of good, in this world. I am so passionate about the simple things that need to be changed, that sometimes, I just want to scream, because I can't get up and do them, by myself.
Starting now, I am going to work towards becoming the person who can get up and change things. I've got a lot of potential, and this is such a nice revelation. I feel that I've finally found the push that I needed.
I guess I should take the time to thank a special friend of mine, who unknowingly prompted a lot of my thinking. So, thank you, so much. You might not think that you always know what to say, or how to say it.. But you always manage to make me feel better. You bring out the best in me, and I love that. Thank you for your words; you will never know how much they meant. One day in the future, we are going to work together, and laugh about how we almost gave up on our dreams, and faded into the background of the millions of people scurrying through the streets. We can make a change, and we will. Thank you. I love you, and I hope that you never, ever stop being yourself. It is my wish that you never change your dreams and your beliefs, for anyone. You are so, so wonderful. It's a terrible shame that there aren't more people just like you. Thank you.
Up until a few moments ago, I have been cleaning, since 11:30 this morning. I've completely cleaned the bathroom, living room, and kitchen. I vacuumed through everything, washed, dried and antibacterial-febrezed it all. I cleaned both vents in the bathroom. I did the dishes, cleaned the oven, covers and burners, and shoveled as much of the ice I could get at, off of the patio. I cleaned out five of the heaters, two closets, and alison's now empty room.
If I'm going to go ahead with this whole "fresh start" thing, I want it in every aspect. I'm soon heading downstairs, to finish up my room, get my laundry done, and then to relax & play some "Harvest Moon," on N64.
God, I feel so lovely right now.
I had a lovely weekend of friends&social drinks, late nights, movies about volcanoes & shows about the paranormal, being a semi-cheerleader with the Jolliffe family, and some GH & SingStar schooling. We've finally beaten GH on hard. It's an absolutely minute accomplishment, but it feels pretty awesome.
I've been fine all along, but for the first time in weeks, I feel truly happy. I have some energy again, and I'm going to put it to good. I can't wait to get started. I feel so perfect, and unstoppable, right now. I am so lucky, and so grateful for the things that I have experienced in this lifetime. They're all going to add up to produce something great, I promise. No more ruts, no more indecision. No more apathy towards failing, and not too many "whatif's." I won't let anyone down.
You're going to be so proud of me.
♥
richelle.