I hope this explains something
Picture a child in bed, hiding under the covers, too scared to move. That's basically how I see myself. Fear is generally rooted in uncertainty, which anyone who knows me well at all, ought to know I am full of. Mostly, I'm afraid of people, afraid they won't like me, afraid they'll think poorly of me, afraid they won't think I'm good for anything, afraid they'll all point and laugh at my failures while ignoring my successes, and afraid they'll realize how afraid of them I really am. This is precisely why I don't like me.
I can't say for sure exactly when this fear started. In kindergarten, I had a good number of friends, all of whom were very friendly and I was certain they liked and enjoyed being around me. In first grade, I was at a different school and can't recall having any real friends there, though I also can't recall being overly concerned with how people saw me. Of course, it's entirely possible that I was, since I've always tried to be polite and likable.
Actually, screw all that. I'm pretty sure I have always been at least concerned about peoples opinions of me. You see, when I was younger, there weren't a whole lot of kids who lived near me, so I didn't have a whole lot of opportunity to socialize with people my own age. Whenever I did meet a new person, I wanted to make a good impression because although I did enjoy going off and playing by myself, I also enjoyed going off and playing with other people. So I wanted the few kids I did meet to think well of me, so they would want to play with me later on. Still, I don't think I was afraid other people would dislike me at this stage. I don't think it occured to me that anyone would dislike me.
It was probably while I was living in Hillsboro that this fear developed. At the Boys and Girls Club, I was picked on quite often and didn't really make any friends that I can recall. I preferred being by myself actually on account of all the things I had learned to enjoy doing by this time, I had learned to enjoy doing alone. This even including throwing a Frisbee. I couldn't stand up for myself though, and that's why I was picked on. For the most part, I viewed authority figures as dark oppressors who were fickle and not to be trusted, so the bullies knew I wouldn't tattle. Well, actually I did tattle once, but that was when I saw a bunch of kids picking on another kid (not me) in the bathroom. I believe the only real reason I told on them is because I viewed the bathroom as a sacred place where everyone ought to feel safe. The rest of the facility was fair game as far as I was concerned, but the bathroom was the closest thing I had to a church. In fact, I think it still kind of is...
However, I digress. The point I am trying to make with all that is at some point in time, I think it started to dawn on me (yes, I am this naive) that these other kids didn't like me. It was an odd experience, realizing I wasn't liked by these people and that I probably would never get them to like me. I had never encountered bullies before, so I had no idea how to handle them. I was too polite to actually stand up to them, so I just avoided them. However, it kept bugging me that they didn't like me. I just could not understand why they wouldn't like me. At this point in time, I saw no reason why someone could not be universally liked.
Once I realized it was possible for people not to like me, I think I started trying to be liked. Before this, I don't think I had really put a whole lot of effort into being liked because it hadn't occured to me that I might not be liked by anyone who met me. This is probably where the fear started. Now that I felt I had to put an effort into being liked, I had to think about why someone might not like me, and how to tell if someone liked, or didn't like me. Unfortunately, I somehow got it into my head that people don't like confrontation and so decided to be non-confrontational at all costs. Of course, this is probably because they only people I didn't like were those I viewed as authority figures, which to a first grader, is basically anyone who tells them what to do, or what not to do. I viewed any confrontation as someone trying to exercise authority over me, which I did not like and since I didn't like it, I assumed no one else would like it either, so I pretty much just went along with whatever my 'friends' wanted to do. Of course, at this young age, I wasn't yet clever enough to realize that I was in essence giving them control over me.
Or maybe not. Like I mentioned before, I have always had trouble standing up for myself. That's another reason I don't like me: I'm weak. I'm weak and I'm scared. Of course, what I'm probably most afraid of is people realizing just how weak I really am. I hate being weak and I hate being scared, but I don't know how to stop being either. This is the point in all my rambling that things should start to click. I'm weak and I'm scared, so what do I do? I hide, like any good coward. I hide behind masks; masks of people far stronger than I. Of course, this adds yet another layer of fear onto everything, as now I can be afraid of people finding out that I'm hiding behind some mask. (By the way, having just watched a bunch of Firefly, my current mask is most likely that of Malcolm Reynolds).
This is not something I'm proud of. I want to learn how to be strong, so I can stop being afraid. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to worry about how people see me, or whether or not I'm well liked. I need to find that strength of character that I never really thought I would need when I was a kid. I need to be honest with myself and with others and to do that, I need to be fearless. Some may disagree with me on all this, but this is my psyche damn it, not theirs! I'm tired of just giving in to avoid confrontation, I'm tired of feeling like I can't think on my feet, I'm tired of not speaking up, or worse not acting, just because I'm not 100% certain, and I want to be done playing by anyone else's rules! It's time I started really figuring out the difference between being a good person and just being mindlessly nice. I don't want to let set backs put me off, and I don't want to care how many times I fail as long as I succeed in the end.
These are my goals, and I want to achieve them.
I can't say for sure exactly when this fear started. In kindergarten, I had a good number of friends, all of whom were very friendly and I was certain they liked and enjoyed being around me. In first grade, I was at a different school and can't recall having any real friends there, though I also can't recall being overly concerned with how people saw me. Of course, it's entirely possible that I was, since I've always tried to be polite and likable.
Actually, screw all that. I'm pretty sure I have always been at least concerned about peoples opinions of me. You see, when I was younger, there weren't a whole lot of kids who lived near me, so I didn't have a whole lot of opportunity to socialize with people my own age. Whenever I did meet a new person, I wanted to make a good impression because although I did enjoy going off and playing by myself, I also enjoyed going off and playing with other people. So I wanted the few kids I did meet to think well of me, so they would want to play with me later on. Still, I don't think I was afraid other people would dislike me at this stage. I don't think it occured to me that anyone would dislike me.
It was probably while I was living in Hillsboro that this fear developed. At the Boys and Girls Club, I was picked on quite often and didn't really make any friends that I can recall. I preferred being by myself actually on account of all the things I had learned to enjoy doing by this time, I had learned to enjoy doing alone. This even including throwing a Frisbee. I couldn't stand up for myself though, and that's why I was picked on. For the most part, I viewed authority figures as dark oppressors who were fickle and not to be trusted, so the bullies knew I wouldn't tattle. Well, actually I did tattle once, but that was when I saw a bunch of kids picking on another kid (not me) in the bathroom. I believe the only real reason I told on them is because I viewed the bathroom as a sacred place where everyone ought to feel safe. The rest of the facility was fair game as far as I was concerned, but the bathroom was the closest thing I had to a church. In fact, I think it still kind of is...
However, I digress. The point I am trying to make with all that is at some point in time, I think it started to dawn on me (yes, I am this naive) that these other kids didn't like me. It was an odd experience, realizing I wasn't liked by these people and that I probably would never get them to like me. I had never encountered bullies before, so I had no idea how to handle them. I was too polite to actually stand up to them, so I just avoided them. However, it kept bugging me that they didn't like me. I just could not understand why they wouldn't like me. At this point in time, I saw no reason why someone could not be universally liked.
Once I realized it was possible for people not to like me, I think I started trying to be liked. Before this, I don't think I had really put a whole lot of effort into being liked because it hadn't occured to me that I might not be liked by anyone who met me. This is probably where the fear started. Now that I felt I had to put an effort into being liked, I had to think about why someone might not like me, and how to tell if someone liked, or didn't like me. Unfortunately, I somehow got it into my head that people don't like confrontation and so decided to be non-confrontational at all costs. Of course, this is probably because they only people I didn't like were those I viewed as authority figures, which to a first grader, is basically anyone who tells them what to do, or what not to do. I viewed any confrontation as someone trying to exercise authority over me, which I did not like and since I didn't like it, I assumed no one else would like it either, so I pretty much just went along with whatever my 'friends' wanted to do. Of course, at this young age, I wasn't yet clever enough to realize that I was in essence giving them control over me.
Or maybe not. Like I mentioned before, I have always had trouble standing up for myself. That's another reason I don't like me: I'm weak. I'm weak and I'm scared. Of course, what I'm probably most afraid of is people realizing just how weak I really am. I hate being weak and I hate being scared, but I don't know how to stop being either. This is the point in all my rambling that things should start to click. I'm weak and I'm scared, so what do I do? I hide, like any good coward. I hide behind masks; masks of people far stronger than I. Of course, this adds yet another layer of fear onto everything, as now I can be afraid of people finding out that I'm hiding behind some mask. (By the way, having just watched a bunch of Firefly, my current mask is most likely that of Malcolm Reynolds).
This is not something I'm proud of. I want to learn how to be strong, so I can stop being afraid. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to worry about how people see me, or whether or not I'm well liked. I need to find that strength of character that I never really thought I would need when I was a kid. I need to be honest with myself and with others and to do that, I need to be fearless. Some may disagree with me on all this, but this is my psyche damn it, not theirs! I'm tired of just giving in to avoid confrontation, I'm tired of feeling like I can't think on my feet, I'm tired of not speaking up, or worse not acting, just because I'm not 100% certain, and I want to be done playing by anyone else's rules! It's time I started really figuring out the difference between being a good person and just being mindlessly nice. I don't want to let set backs put me off, and I don't want to care how many times I fail as long as I succeed in the end.
These are my goals, and I want to achieve them.