Confirmation
Warning: this whole entry will be about Confirmation and God if you don't like it don't read it. You've been warned. Don't get mad at me for anything I say. And don't worry, I'm not going all religious freak on you (or at least not permanantly anyway).
Wow. O my doG Wow.
So I'm officially Catholic now. Like on my own terms and everything. And even though I know I'm not any different than I was Friday. I feel different. I mean, I still believe everything I did before. Only now, there is life in what I believe in. I suddenly have power. I have reason. I have a purpose. I am important.
I am.
Yesterday, was so powerful. I was fighting back tears the whole time we were there. I failed a few times, but thats ok. It was ok to cry.
wow. O my doG wow. I had no idea, I can't even put into words what it was like. The bishop went through the questions, you know the, "do you believe in one God and only one God..." so on and so forth. My family said that they could hear me specifically saying "I Do." But I DO believe. I REALLY REALLY DO. And it feels so good just to declare that publicly.
When the bishop made the sign of the cross on my forhead with the oil, I just sort of stood there for a second with my eyes closed just feeling and listening. I didn't want to move. I want to preserve that movment, that feeling forever. and I might have been the only one there that felt it, but in that moment I was different. I'm complete now. I have all the peices and they're all coming together at the cross. I was meant to have this necklace. It's perfect for me.
IDo. I believe. And I feel so bad for everyone else that was forced into this by their parents. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. If you don't believe, you don't believe. I don't know that they'll ever feel the way I did. the way I do. Or if they do it's going to take a lot longer than it took me. Becuase they are just going to keep fighting it. But for me it's real. This is real. I want this. If I had gotten confirmed last year, I'd still be fighting it. I'd probably still be Godless. But I'm not thank you God.
I wasn't sure if this day would ever actually come. It was amazing. Like magic, only better because it wasn't magic. It was real.
I can't even put into words what it is I feel right now. I'm not sure I want to.
I'm crying even as I write this. But I want to be crying. I want to do anything that might purify me, might make up for who I once was, what I once believed. There is a God. And He's living. He cares, despite what I once thought. It was like I was cured of some hideous disease, blind but now I can see. I know that sounds really cliche, but that is exactly what it is. I can't think of a better way to describe it. It is a minor miracle. Or not, since no miracle is really minor.
I just, I CARE now. And I don't think I can ever return to what I used to be, even if I wanted to becuase my eyes have finally been opened to everything else that is out there. And if I had to return to what I once was to get here again, I'd do it. THe ends justify the means. It wasn't always fun, or even seemingly possible and sometimes I didn't know where the hell I was going or what I was doing, but I made it all the same. I'm here now. I'm ok.
I'm more than ok. I could die now and actually see that I DID accomplish somehting, my own becoming. And just for everything that's happedned, that is happenign Thank you. Thank you God.
Yesterday, o my doG, yesterday was beyond anything... I hope someday you all get to experience something like I did. Like I am. I'm happy now. I feel better than I ever have.
I've decided to, that I really need to start working on some key things in my life. The first being learning to forgive. It might take a while, but with help I will. I need to drop the grudge and move on with my life. Looking at what we once were, what we once had, won't help either one of us. I can keep the memories, and I always will treasure them, but other than that, I'm okay. I can move on. I'll forgive. Eventually. Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but eventually, I will.
But regardless of my sins, (after all I'm only human) yesterday was beautiful. It took a lot of struggling to get there, but I made it. All of my doubts are erased. This is real and I'm a part of it. I'm a part of the bigger picture. I have reason. I have purpose. I know that there is so much that I have to do. I am meant to play a part. I'm important. I matter. I've never felt this way before.
I am.
I'm going to try so hard to stay on the right course. I'll need guidance, but I know now, all I have to do is ask.
I'm sure some of you have heard about Charmaine being my mentor and sponsor for Confirmation, well, it made it just that much more meaningful with her by my side. I've come such a long way, and she helped me more than I will ever be able to explain. I love you Charmaine. Thank you SO SO SO much. I never would have gotten here if not for you.
Wow. O my doG Wow.
So I'm officially Catholic now. Like on my own terms and everything. And even though I know I'm not any different than I was Friday. I feel different. I mean, I still believe everything I did before. Only now, there is life in what I believe in. I suddenly have power. I have reason. I have a purpose. I am important.
I am.
Yesterday, was so powerful. I was fighting back tears the whole time we were there. I failed a few times, but thats ok. It was ok to cry.
wow. O my doG wow. I had no idea, I can't even put into words what it was like. The bishop went through the questions, you know the, "do you believe in one God and only one God..." so on and so forth. My family said that they could hear me specifically saying "I Do." But I DO believe. I REALLY REALLY DO. And it feels so good just to declare that publicly.
When the bishop made the sign of the cross on my forhead with the oil, I just sort of stood there for a second with my eyes closed just feeling and listening. I didn't want to move. I want to preserve that movment, that feeling forever. and I might have been the only one there that felt it, but in that moment I was different. I'm complete now. I have all the peices and they're all coming together at the cross. I was meant to have this necklace. It's perfect for me.
IDo. I believe. And I feel so bad for everyone else that was forced into this by their parents. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. If you don't believe, you don't believe. I don't know that they'll ever feel the way I did. the way I do. Or if they do it's going to take a lot longer than it took me. Becuase they are just going to keep fighting it. But for me it's real. This is real. I want this. If I had gotten confirmed last year, I'd still be fighting it. I'd probably still be Godless. But I'm not thank you God.
I wasn't sure if this day would ever actually come. It was amazing. Like magic, only better because it wasn't magic. It was real.
I can't even put into words what it is I feel right now. I'm not sure I want to.
I'm crying even as I write this. But I want to be crying. I want to do anything that might purify me, might make up for who I once was, what I once believed. There is a God. And He's living. He cares, despite what I once thought. It was like I was cured of some hideous disease, blind but now I can see. I know that sounds really cliche, but that is exactly what it is. I can't think of a better way to describe it. It is a minor miracle. Or not, since no miracle is really minor.
I just, I CARE now. And I don't think I can ever return to what I used to be, even if I wanted to becuase my eyes have finally been opened to everything else that is out there. And if I had to return to what I once was to get here again, I'd do it. THe ends justify the means. It wasn't always fun, or even seemingly possible and sometimes I didn't know where the hell I was going or what I was doing, but I made it all the same. I'm here now. I'm ok.
I'm more than ok. I could die now and actually see that I DID accomplish somehting, my own becoming. And just for everything that's happedned, that is happenign Thank you. Thank you God.
Yesterday, o my doG, yesterday was beyond anything... I hope someday you all get to experience something like I did. Like I am. I'm happy now. I feel better than I ever have.
I've decided to, that I really need to start working on some key things in my life. The first being learning to forgive. It might take a while, but with help I will. I need to drop the grudge and move on with my life. Looking at what we once were, what we once had, won't help either one of us. I can keep the memories, and I always will treasure them, but other than that, I'm okay. I can move on. I'll forgive. Eventually. Not today, and probably not tomorrow, but eventually, I will.
But regardless of my sins, (after all I'm only human) yesterday was beautiful. It took a lot of struggling to get there, but I made it. All of my doubts are erased. This is real and I'm a part of it. I'm a part of the bigger picture. I have reason. I have purpose. I know that there is so much that I have to do. I am meant to play a part. I'm important. I matter. I've never felt this way before.
I am.
I'm going to try so hard to stay on the right course. I'll need guidance, but I know now, all I have to do is ask.
I'm sure some of you have heard about Charmaine being my mentor and sponsor for Confirmation, well, it made it just that much more meaningful with her by my side. I've come such a long way, and she helped me more than I will ever be able to explain. I love you Charmaine. Thank you SO SO SO much. I never would have gotten here if not for you.