chemistry humor

[periwinkledoo]

 * A mosquito was heard to complain"A chemist has poisoned my brain." The cause of his sorrow was paradichloro- diphenyltrichloroethane.
* Two sodium atoms were walking along the street when one stops and says, "Oh my goodness, I think I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" asks his companion. "Yes," replies the first sodium atom. "I'm positive."

* Two ions are talking to each other in a solution. One says: "Are you a cation or an anion?" To which the other replys, "Oh, I'm a cation." The first asks, "Are you sure?" The reply, "I'm positive."
* "What is zinc?" That's what you do if you can't zwim.

* "Why do chemists use nitrates?" Because they are cheaper than day rates.

RULES OF THE LAB

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential. It shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)

Science Exam Quotes (from 11 year olds) Laurie Sale/Norman Josephs

* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." * "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." * "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" * "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" * "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" * "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" * "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." * "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." * "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." * "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." * "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." * "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." * "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." * "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." * "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." * "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." * "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." * "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." * "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." * "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." * "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." * "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." * "Liter: A nest of young puppies." * "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." * "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." * "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." * "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." * "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." * "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." * "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." * "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." * "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration." * "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm abov the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." * "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." * "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." * "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat." * "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." * "One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second" * "You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came." * "When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions." * "Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction." * "Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime." * "A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go." * "There are 26 vitamens in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered."