It's been a long time coming

[periculosa]

It is after seven in the morning and I have not yet slept. I'm exhausted--I had a full day of music, friends, booze, and boys--but I don't feel like sleeping. There has been something kicking around in my mind lately, something I've been telling to shut up for a very long time, and I feel the need to finally write about it. I cannot sleep until I

Comments

[sirona_gs]

Hey, I'm here through megyal's rec, I hope you don't mind. This is a totally awesome post. Throughout my life, I have struggled with very similar issues as you. From the age of 5 on I have always been chubby. As I went through middle school, I got boobs first out of my circle of friends, so I went through the whole, "you can't hang out with us unless you let us touch your boobs". That by ~13-year-old girls, dude. So I started hanging out with boys much more often. I did get the odd "meatball" reference, but I learned to block it soon enough.

My Dad is utterly awesome. He is a doctor, however, and a lot of my self-esteem issues have to do with him criticising me for being overweight. As my sister is a perfectly slim little minx, I stood out even more in the family. And I used to do a fucking lot of physical exercise. You are totally right - fat just sometimes fucking happens; it doesn't affect your personality or your sense of humour, except to improve them. I know my Dad would be devastated if he knew how much his comments and prodding hurt, and how much damage they've done to my perception of myself and my body, but the fact is, it happened - and it's no less true for his perceived remorse.

Much like yourself, I have had trouble for years letting myself believe that guys actually really do fancy me. I've come to the conclusion that I believed I was unattractive as a self-protecting wall around me - so that I wouldn't be disappointed if someone didn't like me back, because it was obviously due to the fact that I was fat.

I still am fat, but due to health reasons I am dropping the weight. Like, my spine would be irreparably damaged if I don't lose around 25 more kilos (I have so far lost ~15 kilos). I don't know how it will affect my self-image, but I do know that it will affect it, massively. And since my motto is "Know Thyself", I foresee a lot of thinking up ahead. We'll see how that goes... It's fucking hard to leave my self-made coccoon away from the world. I sometimes think it's more in my head than around my hips. And another thing - because of losing weight, my 85 EE boobs are shrinking. It's no bloody fun at all.

In conclusion: babes, you are fat. You are also fucking hot.