oh wait
My friends solved the problem. You see, I am a bitch who should be more considerate and others and just get over being anxious and upset because that causes drama. I wish I had thought to just get over my anxiety for which I am taking highly addictive medications. That would have been a much EASIER solution.
I am apparently also a bitch because instead of talking to Katherine and Michi and Emmz about until the cows came home, and then Katherine took care of the cows, and then talking some more, and I went and told Mardi my issue. Apparently talking behind her back was better. By telling her how I felt I apparently "uninvited her" and did something that wasn't "my place." Oddly enough, I feel it was better to be honest TO her, so she can understand it's not "karen hates Mardi!' and have her decide if she still wants to go (meaning I won't be coming). I am not sure whose place it was to talk to Mardi, as we ALL are going to visit EMMZ, who is leaving for Germany tomorrow so should really just go have a fun time, and I'm going to be driving most of 6 hours one - way. I also apparently am making everyone suffer. I think if we had more communication no one would have had to suffer. Did you guys know that a question "can I come camping too?" on a facebook wall a month ago with NO response because I DID NOT see it, means I knew she was coming?
My favorite entire quote comes from Michelle, after which I snapped (this was WAY past my bedtime, too) and called her a bitch. She says, *ahem* "I just don't get why you couldn't have dealt with it. Or been considerate." This is interesting to look at. I did, in fact, deal with it. I told people how I felt, and then I went and told Mardi. I was considerate of Mardi - did she really want us talking about her behind her back for a week while Michi and Katherine pressure me? I was considerate of Michelle - she CLEARLY didn't want to admit to Mardi she shouldn't have invited or talking to Mardi about coming right before we left. The only person you might say I wasn't considerate of was Katherine, but I don't really need to be because she's Switzerland. She's so much of a neutral country that she says she doesn't care if Mardi comes (good so far) but that she REALLY wants me to come (that sounds less neutral to me). That means that since she didn't invite Mardi, she can't do anything, because she is Switzerland, and having an opinion and sticking to it about a group trip would just be silly.
On the other hand, I took the addictive meds once yesterday (up to twice daily) and for the next four hours I kept saying "wow, this is what it feels like to relax. I'd forgotten how to relax! Look, I don't have to everything immediately or it will all be ruined. Look, my entire body isn't tense! I remember this!" It's mildly reassuring to know that my anxiety isn't all in my head, except in the sense that the chemical imbalance is in my head.
I'm really sad about this trip. I've been so tweaked out this summer, about every little thing, and this trip was going to be awesome. I was going to see Michi and Katherine and then we would go see Emmz. We would go fake-camping and be creepers to some people, and play on the playground and in the river and the pool and maybe play mini-golf. It was all set in my head. I didn't leave room for inviting someone last minute I haven't really talked to for six months, who has made it clear in the past she thinks I'm kind of a hypocondriac and should get over being tired and anxious and sick. I am going to say this one more time here: The invite was open in April. As far as I, the driver and one with the busiest hardest-to-plan-with schedule, knew, only Katherine and Michi could come. The invite then CLOSED when the trip was PLANNED. I found a weekend that worked for the FOUR of us, not with anyone else. I was going to drive to pick up the TWO of them, not with anyone else, and see Emmz, and then drive back. Once again, not with anyone else. It's a shame I missed the facebook post - perhaps she should have said something to me again, just to y'know get a response so I actualy knew. I will not go if Mardi goes. I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the extra person, the newness of having her there since she wasn't there last year. I will be sad if I cannot go. If I wanted to bail out simply because I didn't want to go, I would. I'm not being a 5 year old and being stubborn about not liking Mardi or anything, I am simply TOO SICK to handle it. As I told Katherine, if I had the flu would you want me to run a mile in the rain? This is comparable, whether or not they can believe it.
I miss Maria. She ALWAYS understood the limitingness of anxiety, stress, depression, exhaustion. Emmz is the only one at school who came close to that understanding, though the others were decent in their own way.
I miss Jezz.
I want to have SOMEONE who understands, who isn't being paid to listen to me, to talk to.
I want a totally relaxing vacation, escape, but I don't know where to go :(
I am apparently also a bitch because instead of talking to Katherine and Michi and Emmz about until the cows came home, and then Katherine took care of the cows, and then talking some more, and I went and told Mardi my issue. Apparently talking behind her back was better. By telling her how I felt I apparently "uninvited her" and did something that wasn't "my place." Oddly enough, I feel it was better to be honest TO her, so she can understand it's not "karen hates Mardi!' and have her decide if she still wants to go (meaning I won't be coming). I am not sure whose place it was to talk to Mardi, as we ALL are going to visit EMMZ, who is leaving for Germany tomorrow so should really just go have a fun time, and I'm going to be driving most of 6 hours one - way. I also apparently am making everyone suffer. I think if we had more communication no one would have had to suffer. Did you guys know that a question "can I come camping too?" on a facebook wall a month ago with NO response because I DID NOT see it, means I knew she was coming?
My favorite entire quote comes from Michelle, after which I snapped (this was WAY past my bedtime, too) and called her a bitch. She says, *ahem* "I just don't get why you couldn't have dealt with it. Or been considerate." This is interesting to look at. I did, in fact, deal with it. I told people how I felt, and then I went and told Mardi. I was considerate of Mardi - did she really want us talking about her behind her back for a week while Michi and Katherine pressure me? I was considerate of Michelle - she CLEARLY didn't want to admit to Mardi she shouldn't have invited or talking to Mardi about coming right before we left. The only person you might say I wasn't considerate of was Katherine, but I don't really need to be because she's Switzerland. She's so much of a neutral country that she says she doesn't care if Mardi comes (good so far) but that she REALLY wants me to come (that sounds less neutral to me). That means that since she didn't invite Mardi, she can't do anything, because she is Switzerland, and having an opinion and sticking to it about a group trip would just be silly.
On the other hand, I took the addictive meds once yesterday (up to twice daily) and for the next four hours I kept saying "wow, this is what it feels like to relax. I'd forgotten how to relax! Look, I don't have to everything immediately or it will all be ruined. Look, my entire body isn't tense! I remember this!" It's mildly reassuring to know that my anxiety isn't all in my head, except in the sense that the chemical imbalance is in my head.
I'm really sad about this trip. I've been so tweaked out this summer, about every little thing, and this trip was going to be awesome. I was going to see Michi and Katherine and then we would go see Emmz. We would go fake-camping and be creepers to some people, and play on the playground and in the river and the pool and maybe play mini-golf. It was all set in my head. I didn't leave room for inviting someone last minute I haven't really talked to for six months, who has made it clear in the past she thinks I'm kind of a hypocondriac and should get over being tired and anxious and sick. I am going to say this one more time here: The invite was open in April. As far as I, the driver and one with the busiest hardest-to-plan-with schedule, knew, only Katherine and Michi could come. The invite then CLOSED when the trip was PLANNED. I found a weekend that worked for the FOUR of us, not with anyone else. I was going to drive to pick up the TWO of them, not with anyone else, and see Emmz, and then drive back. Once again, not with anyone else. It's a shame I missed the facebook post - perhaps she should have said something to me again, just to y'know get a response so I actualy knew. I will not go if Mardi goes. I won't be able to handle the anxiety, the extra person, the newness of having her there since she wasn't there last year. I will be sad if I cannot go. If I wanted to bail out simply because I didn't want to go, I would. I'm not being a 5 year old and being stubborn about not liking Mardi or anything, I am simply TOO SICK to handle it. As I told Katherine, if I had the flu would you want me to run a mile in the rain? This is comparable, whether or not they can believe it.
I miss Maria. She ALWAYS understood the limitingness of anxiety, stress, depression, exhaustion. Emmz is the only one at school who came close to that understanding, though the others were decent in their own way.
I miss Jezz.
I want to have SOMEONE who understands, who isn't being paid to listen to me, to talk to.
I want a totally relaxing vacation, escape, but I don't know where to go :(