Update and Late Night : Important State of Mind Trigger? Long =(
Tonight
I did some youtube blogs but youtube's been down.I have gotten a stalker. Hes some old guy trollling ED sites for girls...Look out for him.
I have too say I 2 people in hollywood or 3 I think I love. One isnt even skinny, weird eye,.Miley Cyrus. I love her eyes and hair. I love long hair.Still despeate for my youth I lost.
The second being Avril Lavigne. I love her video - When You're Gone (LIVE) - X Factor. Its Youtube..Concert..She is so tiny and petite. I love it. With her long hair......
I also listened to a bunch of music from " My sister's Keeper." . I loved several and added them to my favs on my channel. I balled though. I always express my emotions, even as a kid with music. Crying was a no no. So I bottle stuff up and cant really talk abt everything that is so horrible in my life right now that makes life so scary.
I just feel as usual I luv more than I am Luved. I guess thats what I deserve. Even my brother said I should be glad my pill popping mom took me to Duke so I met my husband. Believe me I am. But he just kept saying then said, I mean known would have been able to deal with you. Like I am some kind of piece of nothingness, useless trash.
I have serious chronic health issues that have made me fight for my life for decade. I lost my youth but my mom has to compete for attention maker her sicker and known visits except hubby once or twice when work allows. This past summer was a supper serious event and I was really scared I might not make it out of there. Mom didnt call but once and never visited even though she lives not far and I was so sick. The nurses actually got so sick that this young girl had no visitors or really phone calls and her own mother wouldnt even check on her or her brothers talk to, not once, I can die with just one really bad infection. I always put my mortality in the back of my mind and just skwish it down.But it raises to the surface sometimes. Then I am deathly afraid my husband is getting very ill with the same disease. We met in the hospital. I am deathly afraid of what could happen. I know the statistics and what can happen. I have sat by and watch friend after friend pass away. I refuse to go but hate it when he brings it up. I guess it how he deals. I just stuff it in a dark spot somewhere in my brain like all the other horrible things that happened in life. Molestation, attempted rape, drug addicted mother with Münchhausen Syndrome. She makes up diseases she has. She has medical issues but has to be sicker then anybody and comes up with all sorts of stuff. Its so sad. Its like I lost my mom. Shes gone and pretends shes severally disabled and needs a walker and is so drugged out.Its embarrassing. Then she talks bad to me and has nothing to me even if my sis says Im in the ICU sick. She makes sure she tells everyone she is super sick and never Im in the hospital let alone ICU.
The bad thing is b/c we favor in appearance, everyone assumes I am abusing my meds too and that hurts so bad. To the core. ITs a knife to the heart.I cant explain how much it hurts they say Im like her and just b/c I take medication which I see a pain specialist that does pop drug tests and I am always low, I have to be an addict. She had the nerve after almost dying from an operation. My ED kinda played a role but she told my husband, I had a drug problem. I almost dyed. Was in a coma and was put on Bi-pap and if I went on a vent would have died. I had pneumonia and everything.But b/c I was in so much pain from an infected surgical site a a 10 inch incision and two tubes in my gut that were very infected. Since I just wanted to rest.....We had a fight she was mad I was getting attention b/c of pain she said I had a problem. But my husband and everyone else knows not to listen to ANYTHING she says she is just vindictive and my hubby knows this well with case that happened to the point his mom moved us out. But he believed her on that ? What the heck.....Plus my lil bro talks badly to me at all times hes just mean even though I cook them holiday meals. But he tells lies to my hubby to get my hubby mad at me. HE is also a compulsive lyer and everyone in the family knows that. He's not right in the head and hasn't held one job yet. I HATE HATE HATE being associated and made to be her just b/c I have to take meds.
Plus whats been making me sad is Ive been married almost 10.5 yrs but I know I am not pretty anymore and not anything to look at but I feel like he built up a way and even though I love him and he's my best friend, he doesnt love me as much as I like him or maybe he just loves me and isn't in lluv anymore b/c I got this ED and before that I couldn't work and make money b/c of being chronically ill and the surgery that we that would change our lives and I had such hopes and dreams, they all shattered and I feel he gave up on us in way when I could work and go to school to do what I wanted.
Whats so hard is not bringing in an income that'll help us out even though I have a degree in nursing and I dont want him to hurt or suffer sometimes I just want to transfer it to me and make him better. Ive been down End Stage lung disease and for someone to be heading there is just excruciating. I mean to know on a medical level is one thing but a personal is a whole new game b/c you know the suffering and the thoughts and depression which he has and he says he needs more meds but our insurance wont let us..Jerks.
But I am sorry this is long but I just was balling most of the night with songs. I have been BINGING and BINGING and am not happy with what I am doing and so even though its really cold I am gonna go and get some work out double line pants thermals and sweatshirt.Plus Wool Socks.Then try a mile 1 a day then 2 times a day then 2 miles 1 to 2 times and build up. We not in the best area so it'll be walking around or building a bunch.
I will Let u go. Much love to everyone
Becki
I did some youtube blogs but youtube's been down.I have gotten a stalker. Hes some old guy trollling ED sites for girls...Look out for him.
I have too say I 2 people in hollywood or 3 I think I love. One isnt even skinny, weird eye,.Miley Cyrus. I love her eyes and hair. I love long hair.Still despeate for my youth I lost.
The second being Avril Lavigne. I love her video - When You're Gone (LIVE) - X Factor. Its Youtube..Concert..She is so tiny and petite. I love it. With her long hair......
I also listened to a bunch of music from " My sister's Keeper." . I loved several and added them to my favs on my channel. I balled though. I always express my emotions, even as a kid with music. Crying was a no no. So I bottle stuff up and cant really talk abt everything that is so horrible in my life right now that makes life so scary.
I just feel as usual I luv more than I am Luved. I guess thats what I deserve. Even my brother said I should be glad my pill popping mom took me to Duke so I met my husband. Believe me I am. But he just kept saying then said, I mean known would have been able to deal with you. Like I am some kind of piece of nothingness, useless trash.
I have serious chronic health issues that have made me fight for my life for decade. I lost my youth but my mom has to compete for attention maker her sicker and known visits except hubby once or twice when work allows. This past summer was a supper serious event and I was really scared I might not make it out of there. Mom didnt call but once and never visited even though she lives not far and I was so sick. The nurses actually got so sick that this young girl had no visitors or really phone calls and her own mother wouldnt even check on her or her brothers talk to, not once, I can die with just one really bad infection. I always put my mortality in the back of my mind and just skwish it down.But it raises to the surface sometimes. Then I am deathly afraid my husband is getting very ill with the same disease. We met in the hospital. I am deathly afraid of what could happen. I know the statistics and what can happen. I have sat by and watch friend after friend pass away. I refuse to go but hate it when he brings it up. I guess it how he deals. I just stuff it in a dark spot somewhere in my brain like all the other horrible things that happened in life. Molestation, attempted rape, drug addicted mother with Münchhausen Syndrome. She makes up diseases she has. She has medical issues but has to be sicker then anybody and comes up with all sorts of stuff. Its so sad. Its like I lost my mom. Shes gone and pretends shes severally disabled and needs a walker and is so drugged out.Its embarrassing. Then she talks bad to me and has nothing to me even if my sis says Im in the ICU sick. She makes sure she tells everyone she is super sick and never Im in the hospital let alone ICU.
The bad thing is b/c we favor in appearance, everyone assumes I am abusing my meds too and that hurts so bad. To the core. ITs a knife to the heart.I cant explain how much it hurts they say Im like her and just b/c I take medication which I see a pain specialist that does pop drug tests and I am always low, I have to be an addict. She had the nerve after almost dying from an operation. My ED kinda played a role but she told my husband, I had a drug problem. I almost dyed. Was in a coma and was put on Bi-pap and if I went on a vent would have died. I had pneumonia and everything.But b/c I was in so much pain from an infected surgical site a a 10 inch incision and two tubes in my gut that were very infected. Since I just wanted to rest.....We had a fight she was mad I was getting attention b/c of pain she said I had a problem. But my husband and everyone else knows not to listen to ANYTHING she says she is just vindictive and my hubby knows this well with case that happened to the point his mom moved us out. But he believed her on that ? What the heck.....Plus my lil bro talks badly to me at all times hes just mean even though I cook them holiday meals. But he tells lies to my hubby to get my hubby mad at me. HE is also a compulsive lyer and everyone in the family knows that. He's not right in the head and hasn't held one job yet. I HATE HATE HATE being associated and made to be her just b/c I have to take meds.
Plus whats been making me sad is Ive been married almost 10.5 yrs but I know I am not pretty anymore and not anything to look at but I feel like he built up a way and even though I love him and he's my best friend, he doesnt love me as much as I like him or maybe he just loves me and isn't in lluv anymore b/c I got this ED and before that I couldn't work and make money b/c of being chronically ill and the surgery that we that would change our lives and I had such hopes and dreams, they all shattered and I feel he gave up on us in way when I could work and go to school to do what I wanted.
Whats so hard is not bringing in an income that'll help us out even though I have a degree in nursing and I dont want him to hurt or suffer sometimes I just want to transfer it to me and make him better. Ive been down End Stage lung disease and for someone to be heading there is just excruciating. I mean to know on a medical level is one thing but a personal is a whole new game b/c you know the suffering and the thoughts and depression which he has and he says he needs more meds but our insurance wont let us..Jerks.
But I am sorry this is long but I just was balling most of the night with songs. I have been BINGING and BINGING and am not happy with what I am doing and so even though its really cold I am gonna go and get some work out double line pants thermals and sweatshirt.Plus Wool Socks.Then try a mile 1 a day then 2 times a day then 2 miles 1 to 2 times and build up. We not in the best area so it'll be walking around or building a bunch.
I will Let u go. Much love to everyone
Becki