Update..Triggering
ughhhhhh
i gained so much weight, and then my sis visited, but I have lost basically most of it again. but ughhhhh I started binging EVERYThing while they were here. I wanted to show I was eating so I ate then binged everything, even freaking salad.......I am eating a third of a apple every am 2 cups of coffee with lots of Truvia . Then at lunch a half a cup of lettuce with 5 cal of drsg and plain tuna..a few drops and a few sprinkles of parm cheese...I am buying low fat today. I also found 0 cal pickles the other day and ate a whole jar in a sitting. It was the bread and butter kind and the gerkins. it was sweetened with splenda. Then through the day coffee and lots of sugar free kool-aid and sugar-free Jello 9Walmart has the best. They have huge cartons of them all diff flavors at 5 cals.Really good too.
I did have this awesome salad yesterday and have a great tip, if you order a tip and it has mushrooms...have em sautéed. Soooooooooo good. On just a bed of lettuce..Then gest everything on the side. A tuna salad can be made to not include anything and then put on the side and then spinkled to your liking on the salad and same for the drsing. I never even before my ED liked a lot of drsg.
I just cant believe I am binging....I am so close to being caught. I am pretty sure hubby knows Im doing something cuz he keeps askig in that "tone" What are you doing Rebecca.....usual responce...my tube is cloged or I am sick or something like that....But He basically walked in the other day. I through the water bottle I use on the floor and the syringe behind the toilet and tried to cleen it up....but...he's not dumb...just ignoring it till he blows up at me.
Then the othere day I did something Im never done and Ive never done it before. i usually purge to punsh myself or get back at people, weird I know but it makes me feel much better. But I have been know to stick myself with needles...im diabetic and have medical issues so I have needles...so I just stick myself. Nothing big and only a handful of times but the other day I was just freaking and I dont recall why bit I actually usued the needle to cut myself. I first stick myself then just tried to scratch myself but it actually left a cut and bled and everything.
I was so excited my sis was here and my nieces but my mom was making everything so difficult and we couldn't do things we want qand hubby was baiting me making me feel sad b/c my moms such a stupid drama queen who ruins everything.
I went to my ED meeting while they were here and she is an ex anorexic (recovered) and now a great help and a mental health and emergency nurse...if you don't know nurses have a SUPER HIGH incidence of ED's do to our personalities. Anyway, we talked and she said she would react like that to and still has issues with company.
I can't wait till I get paid. I will get my hair done. Then maybe some sales fore summer stuff to wear in the spring. I need shorts and skirts.I really want skirts and will need several more leggings and whatnot. I want some pretty dresses to wear in the spring . Plus some shoes. First will be my hair...Its horrid.I'd love to also get my nails and a pedicure.I really like to look as pretty as possible.What I really want is extensions. I also really really really need to go the dentist.
I want to get a portfolio done of some pics done but not sure if Im pretty enough to model. I just want to do some catalog work.
Anyways, Ive been watching tons of thinspo videos....but I watch em if they have good music.They have to have almost sad music or something. I love BREATHE ME and Im Not an Addict and BEAUTY From Pain,even The Climb is pretty good for inspiration. I have also been watching all the Ana movies made. and documentaries . They are all uploaded on utube. you wouldn't believe whats on there.I have other stuff to that have nothing to do with ana I listen to.Keeps me side tracked.
Plus my genetic disease i was born with has been reaking havok. They gave me a new med thats better. The other med was supposed to make you lose your appite and lose weight. I gained quick...weird...leave it to me to be the opposite. Plus it sucked. I was in agony.
I really had to call my pain doc to change b/c not of the gain,althoughI won't lie it was apart of it, I could not eat I hurt sooooooooooooooooo bad and it just pure irritated my husband I was bedridden 50% or more of the time curled up.Then would have nothing to take. It didn't work at all.
He has never been in real pain and when he has a tooth ache he thinks he's dying but if i hurt b/c it happens so often he gets pissed. I know it is just cruel but I wish I could magically give him pancreatitis for a week. But he still would not make the connection betwwen me and him. Its all b/c my mother is addicted to pain meds and he thinks b/c he is so irritated with he b.c everythime she seems to get on our good side she does something to hurt me and piss him off beyond control and it gets taken out on me because Im the one around. I was born ill with a deadly disease and until a major surgery she never visited. When I almost died do to a collapsed lung and pneumonia and a bunch of other things...my heart almostt stopped and yes, I was eating I was so scared I was eating all I could but there was 3 days I was so sick I was throwing up everytime I tried to talk. She called three times to brag how much her friends where taking her out to party and other things and when I called she would say she couldn't talk to me b/c she was to busy....
Thats the type of person my mother is....
My dad is great...sometime, a lot of times even though he is bipolor and won't take meds and is paranoid AND DOESN'T NO REALITY FROM FANTASY, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES. i KNOW MY HUSBAND LOVES ME But his mother refuses to let us move to a different state where he might get a better job and insurance He needs beter medical care as do I really really bad and we need mental health benefits so badly He begged the Primary care doc for meds to help him he needs a new anti depreesant and something for anxiety and mood and I need inpatient anorexia treatment. The MD won't give him anything and we can't get any help and his mom says if we move she wont help.
Anyways,my camp fell through,i feel like such a loser. I couldn't get things done being so sick most of the summer with no help. it hurts. Its the only good thing I do or I feel my self worth.
I failed again....
Well, I gotta run, I gotta headache. here is some pics of me. One is of me naked so its rated R.The other is with my niece. I was super fat.I wouldn't really take my clothes off at the beach but for a few minutes and my sis has those pics.
I gotta get groceries.I am so tired....
These maybe triggering...
Higgles
Becki
The sad thing is, this isn't my smallest
Keep in mind I am also suffing from a lifetime of a serious illness so that also took a toll on me. I haven't had anna that long, and I am not pro-ana. If anyone wonders...my niece there is 3yo.
i gained so much weight, and then my sis visited, but I have lost basically most of it again. but ughhhhh I started binging EVERYThing while they were here. I wanted to show I was eating so I ate then binged everything, even freaking salad.......I am eating a third of a apple every am 2 cups of coffee with lots of Truvia . Then at lunch a half a cup of lettuce with 5 cal of drsg and plain tuna..a few drops and a few sprinkles of parm cheese...I am buying low fat today. I also found 0 cal pickles the other day and ate a whole jar in a sitting. It was the bread and butter kind and the gerkins. it was sweetened with splenda. Then through the day coffee and lots of sugar free kool-aid and sugar-free Jello 9Walmart has the best. They have huge cartons of them all diff flavors at 5 cals.Really good too.
I did have this awesome salad yesterday and have a great tip, if you order a tip and it has mushrooms...have em sautéed. Soooooooooo good. On just a bed of lettuce..Then gest everything on the side. A tuna salad can be made to not include anything and then put on the side and then spinkled to your liking on the salad and same for the drsing. I never even before my ED liked a lot of drsg.
I just cant believe I am binging....I am so close to being caught. I am pretty sure hubby knows Im doing something cuz he keeps askig in that "tone" What are you doing Rebecca.....usual responce...my tube is cloged or I am sick or something like that....But He basically walked in the other day. I through the water bottle I use on the floor and the syringe behind the toilet and tried to cleen it up....but...he's not dumb...just ignoring it till he blows up at me.
Then the othere day I did something Im never done and Ive never done it before. i usually purge to punsh myself or get back at people, weird I know but it makes me feel much better. But I have been know to stick myself with needles...im diabetic and have medical issues so I have needles...so I just stick myself. Nothing big and only a handful of times but the other day I was just freaking and I dont recall why bit I actually usued the needle to cut myself. I first stick myself then just tried to scratch myself but it actually left a cut and bled and everything.
I was so excited my sis was here and my nieces but my mom was making everything so difficult and we couldn't do things we want qand hubby was baiting me making me feel sad b/c my moms such a stupid drama queen who ruins everything.
I went to my ED meeting while they were here and she is an ex anorexic (recovered) and now a great help and a mental health and emergency nurse...if you don't know nurses have a SUPER HIGH incidence of ED's do to our personalities. Anyway, we talked and she said she would react like that to and still has issues with company.
I can't wait till I get paid. I will get my hair done. Then maybe some sales fore summer stuff to wear in the spring. I need shorts and skirts.I really want skirts and will need several more leggings and whatnot. I want some pretty dresses to wear in the spring . Plus some shoes. First will be my hair...Its horrid.I'd love to also get my nails and a pedicure.I really like to look as pretty as possible.What I really want is extensions. I also really really really need to go the dentist.
I want to get a portfolio done of some pics done but not sure if Im pretty enough to model. I just want to do some catalog work.
Anyways, Ive been watching tons of thinspo videos....but I watch em if they have good music.They have to have almost sad music or something. I love BREATHE ME and Im Not an Addict and BEAUTY From Pain,even The Climb is pretty good for inspiration. I have also been watching all the Ana movies made. and documentaries . They are all uploaded on utube. you wouldn't believe whats on there.I have other stuff to that have nothing to do with ana I listen to.Keeps me side tracked.
Plus my genetic disease i was born with has been reaking havok. They gave me a new med thats better. The other med was supposed to make you lose your appite and lose weight. I gained quick...weird...leave it to me to be the opposite. Plus it sucked. I was in agony.
I really had to call my pain doc to change b/c not of the gain,althoughI won't lie it was apart of it, I could not eat I hurt sooooooooooooooooo bad and it just pure irritated my husband I was bedridden 50% or more of the time curled up.Then would have nothing to take. It didn't work at all.
He has never been in real pain and when he has a tooth ache he thinks he's dying but if i hurt b/c it happens so often he gets pissed. I know it is just cruel but I wish I could magically give him pancreatitis for a week. But he still would not make the connection betwwen me and him. Its all b/c my mother is addicted to pain meds and he thinks b/c he is so irritated with he b.c everythime she seems to get on our good side she does something to hurt me and piss him off beyond control and it gets taken out on me because Im the one around. I was born ill with a deadly disease and until a major surgery she never visited. When I almost died do to a collapsed lung and pneumonia and a bunch of other things...my heart almostt stopped and yes, I was eating I was so scared I was eating all I could but there was 3 days I was so sick I was throwing up everytime I tried to talk. She called three times to brag how much her friends where taking her out to party and other things and when I called she would say she couldn't talk to me b/c she was to busy....
Thats the type of person my mother is....
My dad is great...sometime, a lot of times even though he is bipolor and won't take meds and is paranoid AND DOESN'T NO REALITY FROM FANTASY, HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES. i KNOW MY HUSBAND LOVES ME But his mother refuses to let us move to a different state where he might get a better job and insurance He needs beter medical care as do I really really bad and we need mental health benefits so badly He begged the Primary care doc for meds to help him he needs a new anti depreesant and something for anxiety and mood and I need inpatient anorexia treatment. The MD won't give him anything and we can't get any help and his mom says if we move she wont help.
Anyways,my camp fell through,i feel like such a loser. I couldn't get things done being so sick most of the summer with no help. it hurts. Its the only good thing I do or I feel my self worth.
I failed again....
Well, I gotta run, I gotta headache. here is some pics of me. One is of me naked so its rated R.The other is with my niece. I was super fat.I wouldn't really take my clothes off at the beach but for a few minutes and my sis has those pics.
I gotta get groceries.I am so tired....
These maybe triggering...
Higgles
Becki
The sad thing is, this isn't my smallest
Keep in mind I am also suffing from a lifetime of a serious illness so that also took a toll on me. I haven't had anna that long, and I am not pro-ana. If anyone wonders...my niece there is 3yo.