i never write in this...
if it weren't for matt i wouldn't want to be here. i hate pretty much everything about this world. the only beautiful thing is slowly being destroyed. people don't even know what the words 'i love you' and 'im sorry' mean anymore. people butcher those once so beautiful words and use them in vain and ignorance. hardly any of those words have any meaning behind them anymore and if they do you've found a rare thing and shouldn't let that go. i wish i could get stuck into a picture of ireland, the lush green, kinda rainy looking, beautiful feilds, ruiens of castles, and sturdy built wild horses running free, that would be the life i'd want to live in. im terrified of 'growing up'. the only bestfriend ive ever had thats stuck by me for more then just a school year because 'i was around' is moving to texas maybe, and then i feel like ill be alone... shes my bestfriend, i dont want to loose her. i rarely see her as it is because shit hit the fan and people decided they cant be friends anymore. i want so much for it to be back the way it was... no one knows what it means to be someones friend. people should just suck up their pride and stop being a bitch and maybe things would fix themselves. maybe im being too hopeful, its never that easy. salt in the wound right. i feel so empty and alone and achey for no reason. my babys birthday was today and i wanted so much for him to have an amazing birthday because he deserves it but it was just one of those days for him and i feel like if i were to have tried harder it would have been different and he would have had a better day. i know thats not the case.. i just wish it was. i wanted to have just me and him time for his birthday at some point.. i was gunna give him a massage and scratch his back and tell him how much i love him and celebrate about the fact my dads letting me go snowboarding with him and rick. i wanted to take him to a movie or something that we never got to go to on our anniversary but he didn't want to do anything and thats fine so i decided id just give him massages instead... idk i still can but i just... was looking foward to making him happy tonight. he gave me the best birthday and christmas I could ask for and I feel like I haven't done anything right for him... im tired of everyone telling me their secretes their worries and their fears... not because i dont want to hear it but because i can't do anything about it and im sick and tired of my friends hurting. i wish ic ould be perfect enough to fix everything the way everyone wants it. i have no reason to feel the way i do... i have no reason to be depressed and stressed out. ive had the best past few months despite a few issues, i have so many awesome things coming up in the future... i just feel like somethings empty and without it ill always have this cold feeling. i just want to snuggle and make it all go away... i just want to stop crying for no reason...