Pointless
Hello LJ - how are you?
I am well, thank you. I went for a lovely walk on the heath yesterday and it has perked me up somewhat. Tonight I am volunteering on a new immersive show (I think - as long as it doesn’t rain).
Erm - what else? When did life get so dull? That seems to be the way these days - if I have time to write about my life I have naff all in the way of an actual life going on.
At the weekend I rewatched a couple of Brat Pack films - it’s a little sad as I think it will be the last time I ever deliberately choose to do so - that world is so far behind me and seems so small and alien and the sexual politics of the 80s are crazily old fashioned - Andrew McCarthy is still hot though. I also watched that Best Exotic Marigold Hotel thing and rather enjoyed it even if it was ridiculous.
I feel something of a failure at the moment which I know is ridiculous because look at what I’ve done in just 4 months this year - but I kind of figured that the way forward from here would be rather more clear. It is not - it is murky and riddled with potential false first and thousandth steps.
I tell you what as well - the thing that is really niggling at the back of my mind - the thing that distracts me every day - I find myself looking for something - every day - I dunno what I am looking for. It used to be that I would start reading the internet and be fascinated (or bored) by all the things I found and then I would find my next thing and move on that way - but I get the feeling, no doubt a symptom of my advanced years, that I have run out of things. But it seems like the internet has changed too - or maybe I know about too many things. I dunno - I just feel so scattered at the moment - I guess that’s why I’m back here - not that it’s anything like the font of sarcastic wisdom it once was.
I still don’t know what I want to be - well I do - but all my attempts to actually be it seem to require about 80 times more energy and commitment than I have - if I want to be a proper professional I have to take a paycut I cannot afford for 3-8 years then my max salary will be round about what I have now. People always say that you find what you love and then it just sort of happens - with me it sort of stalls after about 6-8 months for some reason. I never seem to get pulled along once I get going - it’s just endless slog. I need to find a way of jumping the gaps so that I don’t fall down into them and get stuck procrastinating in them for 2 years.
I need some sort of a routine as well - something I consistently do and achieve every day - but now my creative work has become more based in the abstract rather than the written down, it’s hard to know what I’m achieving. What on earth even are all these thoughts? What is the point of me? I am so balled up my own arse at the moment that I can’t find my way out and it’s starting to smell. How do other people manage being pointless? Surely we all are and that makes it alright, no?
Uuuuugh- I almost can't bear the sight of my own navel-gazing drivel
I am well, thank you. I went for a lovely walk on the heath yesterday and it has perked me up somewhat. Tonight I am volunteering on a new immersive show (I think - as long as it doesn’t rain).
Erm - what else? When did life get so dull? That seems to be the way these days - if I have time to write about my life I have naff all in the way of an actual life going on.
At the weekend I rewatched a couple of Brat Pack films - it’s a little sad as I think it will be the last time I ever deliberately choose to do so - that world is so far behind me and seems so small and alien and the sexual politics of the 80s are crazily old fashioned - Andrew McCarthy is still hot though. I also watched that Best Exotic Marigold Hotel thing and rather enjoyed it even if it was ridiculous.
I feel something of a failure at the moment which I know is ridiculous because look at what I’ve done in just 4 months this year - but I kind of figured that the way forward from here would be rather more clear. It is not - it is murky and riddled with potential false first and thousandth steps.
I tell you what as well - the thing that is really niggling at the back of my mind - the thing that distracts me every day - I find myself looking for something - every day - I dunno what I am looking for. It used to be that I would start reading the internet and be fascinated (or bored) by all the things I found and then I would find my next thing and move on that way - but I get the feeling, no doubt a symptom of my advanced years, that I have run out of things. But it seems like the internet has changed too - or maybe I know about too many things. I dunno - I just feel so scattered at the moment - I guess that’s why I’m back here - not that it’s anything like the font of sarcastic wisdom it once was.
I still don’t know what I want to be - well I do - but all my attempts to actually be it seem to require about 80 times more energy and commitment than I have - if I want to be a proper professional I have to take a paycut I cannot afford for 3-8 years then my max salary will be round about what I have now. People always say that you find what you love and then it just sort of happens - with me it sort of stalls after about 6-8 months for some reason. I never seem to get pulled along once I get going - it’s just endless slog. I need to find a way of jumping the gaps so that I don’t fall down into them and get stuck procrastinating in them for 2 years.
I need some sort of a routine as well - something I consistently do and achieve every day - but now my creative work has become more based in the abstract rather than the written down, it’s hard to know what I’m achieving. What on earth even are all these thoughts? What is the point of me? I am so balled up my own arse at the moment that I can’t find my way out and it’s starting to smell. How do other people manage being pointless? Surely we all are and that makes it alright, no?
Uuuuugh- I almost can't bear the sight of my own navel-gazing drivel