so....
i guess i'm supposed to put my "real" feelings in this journal. this one isn't edited for my friends list. i've been feeling really shitty. purging every time i eat. i hate it. i hate purging. i can't help it. i get that feeling and then bend over and its out. i wish i could go back to when i had to gag myself. at least it took effort. every day i tell myself i won't do it, but then i eat, and i feel sick, and i can't keep food down. i've been thinking of starting a cleanse, like the master cleanse or something to that effect. to clean out my liver and whole body and mind. hopefully get out all these toxins polluting myself. i started exercising, then stoppoed. rick has friends over all the time, all they do is smoke weed and cigs and snort adderall. some times i wish i still did that, maybe i was happier and more interesting? but soooo unmotivated. i'd do heroin or e or drink any day of the week tho. fucked up. but i wont smoke weed. pills, glorious pills. xanax, valium, clonopin, soma, i eat those like candy. especially at work. how messed up is that.
thers this guy at work who is totally head over heels for me. always telling me he loves me, im so perfect, he likes all aspects of me....i feel like i'm bragging or something. but i cant write it in my real journal. i feel like it would be found. and rick would be upset and want to confront him. he's kinda annoying tho, 28. i'm sooo much younger. and he's just...immature. like i thought he was really mature, which he CAN be, and probably IS, but he tends to just be kinda annoying. and i think i lead him on by chilling with him, but um he is my friend and he knows i've got a man....ugh, guys....plus he calls 10 time a day AT LEAST to hang out, even tho i work at 6:30 am and go to school, and he works till at least 8 pm. so when are we gonna chill? but he still begs me. its kinda sad. i mean, he's almost 29.
school tomorrow. i love school. only taking 2 classes this semester, and i love both. i only have drawing tomorrow. shes keeps saying my drawings are really good. better be, or else ill make a horrible painting major lol. ugh i have to write a 5 page paper for monday and a 20 page paper for my philosophy class, plus another paper for it. need to get off the comp lol.
thers this guy at work who is totally head over heels for me. always telling me he loves me, im so perfect, he likes all aspects of me....i feel like i'm bragging or something. but i cant write it in my real journal. i feel like it would be found. and rick would be upset and want to confront him. he's kinda annoying tho, 28. i'm sooo much younger. and he's just...immature. like i thought he was really mature, which he CAN be, and probably IS, but he tends to just be kinda annoying. and i think i lead him on by chilling with him, but um he is my friend and he knows i've got a man....ugh, guys....plus he calls 10 time a day AT LEAST to hang out, even tho i work at 6:30 am and go to school, and he works till at least 8 pm. so when are we gonna chill? but he still begs me. its kinda sad. i mean, he's almost 29.
school tomorrow. i love school. only taking 2 classes this semester, and i love both. i only have drawing tomorrow. shes keeps saying my drawings are really good. better be, or else ill make a horrible painting major lol. ugh i have to write a 5 page paper for monday and a 20 page paper for my philosophy class, plus another paper for it. need to get off the comp lol.