Appreciation. Glory. Honor. Praise.
When I was young, like all other children, I loved listening to praise. I loved the ring of praises in my ears telling me that I recited a poem really well, that I sang really well, that I performed really well.
The uplifting feeling that comes to you when someone says something nice is really unparalled.
But, over the years, I've come to be afraid of it.
As a little Eurasian, I came across a few young friendships that faltered because I came across as too proud.
I corrected my friend's English in class because it was, simply, wrong. The simple intention of a young child to want her friend to embrace good grammar came off as proud.
I liked to tell little stories to my younger friend in the schoolbus because I liked sharing stories that were happy, had happy endings. The next day, she comes to me and says her mother told her not to befriend me because I was proud.
These always left question marks in my head. Was accepting praise and appreciation wrong? Was doing something you're good at well and helping others to do it just as well wrong?
And so now I never want to hear public appreciation for anything I do. I don't want the wrong impression of myself to get through to people, i.e. I love attention and praise and honor and glory all in my name. Because I don't.
I do things because I want them done well. I do things because I want everyone to be happy. I do things because I feel He has asked me to do them.
And I don't need appreciation anymore. Because it's my intention to do it, and I don't ask for anything else.
Which is also why I've come to find human nature so terrifying. The need and zest for power and appreciation when they don't give it to others. The thirst for glory and praise in their names for things they don't do, and the dislike for others that turns into something nasty when things don't go their way.
Why. I'd never understand.
Along the way, I've also come to let others misunderstand. Let them misunderstand. Because I'm in this for the right reasons.
The uplifting feeling that comes to you when someone says something nice is really unparalled.
But, over the years, I've come to be afraid of it.
As a little Eurasian, I came across a few young friendships that faltered because I came across as too proud.
I corrected my friend's English in class because it was, simply, wrong. The simple intention of a young child to want her friend to embrace good grammar came off as proud.
I liked to tell little stories to my younger friend in the schoolbus because I liked sharing stories that were happy, had happy endings. The next day, she comes to me and says her mother told her not to befriend me because I was proud.
These always left question marks in my head. Was accepting praise and appreciation wrong? Was doing something you're good at well and helping others to do it just as well wrong?
And so now I never want to hear public appreciation for anything I do. I don't want the wrong impression of myself to get through to people, i.e. I love attention and praise and honor and glory all in my name. Because I don't.
I do things because I want them done well. I do things because I want everyone to be happy. I do things because I feel He has asked me to do them.
And I don't need appreciation anymore. Because it's my intention to do it, and I don't ask for anything else.
Which is also why I've come to find human nature so terrifying. The need and zest for power and appreciation when they don't give it to others. The thirst for glory and praise in their names for things they don't do, and the dislike for others that turns into something nasty when things don't go their way.
Why. I'd never understand.
Along the way, I've also come to let others misunderstand. Let them misunderstand. Because I'm in this for the right reasons.