海洋水より厚く (Thicker Than Ocean Water)
Every time I call my family up I get asked the same question: "When are you coming home?". And every time my answer is some variation of a mumbled, "I unno...*trail off like a mofo*" It's the type of question that can cause an otherwise jovial and light conversation to turn deadly serious and quiet. The kind of question that is up there with, "Do you believe in JESUS?!" in terms of its ability to start wars. Some of my family members have realized how fruitless asking me that question is and have given up on trying to pinpoint an exact date and time for my return. Others have tried to do the same...but there's just so much temptation. What if I did one day say, "Hey guys! I'm coming back Monday, June 4th at 7:58AM!!!!!!" My poor aging grandma is one of those people. She knows better than to ask me after experiencing constant disappointment by my lack of a concrete answer to her burning question, but she occasionally does it anyway like I'll give her a different answer. I will, one day...I hope.
Where is home? Is it really back in the States, or is it here now? Or is it both? My family sees home as Washington, DC, obviously. It's where the majority of them are. It's where I was born and raised for the most part. It's where my formerly close group of friends stay and it's comfortable and familiar. I, on the other hand, am not so sure anymore. It's kind of strange to say, but I actually consider Okinawa my home right now. When I tell people I want to go home, I mean it as the place where I'm from. But when I really think about it, I am home. I'm more settled in Okinawa than I am in the DC at this point. Perhaps that's why I rep Yonabaru so hard in my music and on this blog. I've got a good job again, friends, mad peeps out in the community who know me for whatever reason (this blog, sometimes for walking randomly through the neighborhood and taking pictures of everything). The only thing missing is a whole gang of rowdy Black people to hang out with. But even without that, Okinawa is still home to me. It's just different.
I do worry what all this time spent abroad without having been back can potentially lead to. I actually do kind of love my family members and don't particularly want to become so estranged from them. And I worry that some of my older or more reckless family members may die while I'm over here living it up. My grandma is in her early 90s and finally starting to feel her age. My dad can't put down cigarettes or the occasional glass or whiskey despite his own health issues. Were I to go back now or anytime soon really, it wouldn't be for me so much as it would be for the other people in my life. Which makes me wonder which is better: living your own life, or giving up some of your hopes and dreams if you know it'll make someone else close to you happy? At the very least I plan on visiting, but I know 2 weeks isn't going to be enough time for anyone (not even me). It's time like these where I wish I was still a kid, and I all my pressing life questions could be solved by the shake of a Magic 8 Ball.