FIC- Fading Addiction Part Sixteen
Would have posted this days ago but I’m in the middle of exams and didn’t have time to go through and check before today! Anyway, here we go, and once again, thanks to Kyry and you guys. :-)
Fading Addiction Part Fifteen is here.
Fading Addiction Part Sixteen
With a glance over my shoulder every now and then on the way to Cuddy’s office, I cautiously made sure that none of my colleagues were behind me. I’d already decided that if I saw any of them then I’d make a detour to the bathroom, knowing that there was no way they’d follow me in there. Well, House probably would but if he did then I’d scream so loudly that security came running and spent a good fifteen minutes questioning him; giving me ample time to get away from him. Cruel, but desperate times called for desperate measures, and he wouldn’t feel at all guilty about pulling a similar stunt on me. See, I could be smart too.
Satisfied that it hadn’t been deemed necessary to track my every move, I took the few final steps that made it clear I wanted to see Cuddy. Hovering for a few moments, I considered whether to go as I noticed that her blinds were shut. Usually that indicated that she wanted privacy, but hopefully she wouldn’t mind my interrupting her. I knocked lightly on the door, hearing her muffled voice say, “Yes?” Opening the door slowly, I peered around the corner, feeling a rush of relief flood me as I saw she was alone. Nibbling my lip nervously, I waited until she looked up and smiled, beckoning me to come in. Returning her smile I entered the plush office, shutting the door behind me.
“Hey, how’s it going?” She asked, placing her pen down on the desk and giving me her full attention.
“Oh you know… the usual,” I said vaguely.
She raised an eyebrow. “Good usual or bad usual?”
“Neither really.” I shrugged my shoulders, feeling slightly uncomfortable. Now that I was here I didn’t know what to say.
She nodded in reply. “So is this a social visit or has House already done something?”
Unsure of how to explain that I didn’t really know why I was there, I stayed quiet, trying to formulate some kind of an answer inside my head. However, Cuddy seemed to take this as confirmation that House had already half killed someone. “Oh God,” She winced. “What has he done now?”
“No; no it’s fine. He hasn’t done anything,” I quelled her fears. “Well, he’s made several digs at me already this morning but nothing out of the ordinary.”
“What’s he said?” Cuddy immediately asked.
“Ohh nothing really. Just a few comments on my weight,” I laughed nervously, although if I was honest with myself his words did get to me, even if I was unwilling to show it. Cuddy’s eyes narrowed, and I came to the conclusion that she was mad. Although the last thing I wanted to do was cause a big fuss, there was a small part of me that was secretly pleased she cared about me enough to want to protect me from hurtful comments. “Really, it was nothing,” I said adamantly.
“He still needs to know where to draw the line,” Cuddy sighed, evidently fed up of House’s behaviour already. Not that I blamed her, it was only the morning; still plenty of time for him to cause trouble for her before the end of the day. What with trying to avoid clinic duty, carrying out risky procedures on patients or just being plain annoying by refusing to do any work; he still had several other ways of driving Cuddy insane.
“Really, just forget it,” I insisted, walking towards her and placing a hand on her shoulder, feeling that her muscles were tense. Nevertheless, as soon as I made contact with her she relaxed, her face softened, and she broke out into a smile.
“Fine. But if he says anything in front of me then I’ll have him doing triple clinic duty for a month,” She grinned evilly.
Smirking at her threat, I ran my hand down her arm. “You busy this morning?”
“Not as much as I usually am,” She placed a hand on top of mine, causing my skin to tingle from the connection. “Why, was there something you wanted?”
“Not really. I just don’t have much to do at the moment and House… well when he was winding me up you were the only person I could think of going to.” I felt myself blush at this confession. “And… you’ll think I’m stupid for saying it but…” I allowed my voice to trail off. I suddenly found myself wanting to open up to her, but was scared of taking the actual step of doing so.
“Go on…” She prompted.
Biting the bullet, I made the decision just to say it. “I want toast,” I blurted out.
Cuddy stared at me. “I’m sorry?”
“House made a comment about toast and it’s making me want it,” I stated dumbly. “That’s weird, right?”
Cuddy looked at me blankly. “I’m not an expert, far from it, but…”
“But what?” I pressed.
“But maybe your body, your subconscious, is telling you that you need to eat. Sometimes cravings can be a sign that you’re deficient in certain nutrients; which we already know you are,” She paused, seemingly thinking carefully about what she was going to say. “Would it really be so bad if you did eat toast?”
I stared at her, astonished that she could ask such a thing. “Well; yeah.”
“Why?” She questioned.
I thought carefully for a few seconds, contemplating my answer. Why exactly would it be so bad? All I knew was that I had an intense fear of eating one piece, and was unable to picture myself eating just the one, knowing one would turn into two, two into three, and so on. Then I’d be fat, Cuddy wouldn’t want me, everything would be all wrong again and I’d have nothing left but cravings for food. How did I say that to Cuddy? I couldn’t.
I wouldn’t.
“It just would,” I muttered, refusing to meet her eye.
“Ok.” She accepted my words, obviously not wishing to push me too hard. For this, I was grateful. “Allison?”
It was strange to have her calling me that. If this… thing between us developed, then we’d be on first name terms. To me, she was still Cuddy, though I knew she shouldn’t be. Swallowing hard, I answered, “Lisa?”
She smiled slightly at how I addressed her, though it quickly faded from her face, making me realise she had something important to say. “Please don’t be angry; just listen for a second. I think you should see a therapist. I’m not saying you have to do in-treatment, but talking to someone would be a big step. They can give you the necessary help, and it would be completely confidential. You can say what you want and no one need know.”
“Unless I’m going to top myself,” I joked.
Cuddy frowned, looking worried. “You’re suicidal?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course I’m not.”
“Look, if you are it’s ok, anorexia and suicide often go hand in hand…”
“I’m not going to kill myself!” I interrupted. “Forget I said anything, I was just trying to lighten the mood with a joke.”
“Don’t joke about things like that,” She chastised. “It’s not funny.”
Feeling guilty, I moved to hug her. “Ok. I’m sorry, but it’s just easier to make jokes you know?”
“I know it is, but it’s hard for me to hear,” She admitted, as she snuggled into my shoulder, indicating she accepted my apology. “Will you let me arrange a session with a therapist for you at some point this week?”
Though I was reluctant, I knew that I had to face my fears. “Fine, but I don’t want anyone else knowing about it. Not yet anyway.”
“I’m not saying a word to anyone. Except, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you should see a nutritionist as well. Someone needs to help you work out a food plan; it’s not a simple case of you being able to fend for yourself without outside intervention.” She informed me carefully.
Though I could see her point, that didn’t encourage me to do as she wanted without hesitation. I wasn’t angry, but I wasn’t exactly happy about her idea either. “I don’t need someone making me eat foods I don’t want to,” I replied stubbornly.
She waved an arm, dismissing my words. “I know that, but are you honestly telling me you know how to make sure you’re getting a balanced diet? There are so many things that you’re susceptible to even if you are getting the nutrients you need. Refeeding syndrome for instance.” When I still stayed silent, she clasped my hands and said, “I’m saying this because I want you to get better sweetheart, not worse.”
Understanding her view, but not willing to agree yet, I squeezed her hands back as I said, “I’ll consider it. Promise.”
Seemingly satisfied with this, she smiled. “Good. Now, there’s just one thing left to say Dr. Cameron.”
“Oh?” I frowned as she addressed me formally.
She poked my arm playfully, saying light heartedly, “Get back to work!”