Frustration

Nov 30, 2006 22:45

It's frustrating that I have a constant battle raging inside my head. I over-analayze everything and it gets old. I lay awake at night thinking about all these crazy things going on in my life, and then I have to fight with myself to not think into them too deeply. I think about Shay, should I call him, should we be friends, should I forget about him...It's hard. My heart doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to think things are truly over, but my mind is telling me otherwise. When I look back on things, our relationship doesn't make much sense to me. Shay never truly let me into his heart and I think that's why it didn't work. I'm not saying I regret any of it, I definitely don't. It just seems to me like love really isn't enough. I loved Jared, I loved that boy more than anything and it didn't work. I loved Shay, I gave him my whole heart, and look what happened. There has to be something beyond love, something that is impossible to comprehend...I just haven't found it yet.

I'm okay with being single. I don't want people to think I'm lonely and miserable. There are moments when I just wish I had someone to cuddle with, or date, or something, but I fight those thoughts away. I am a very strong person and I really don't need someone else in my life to make me happy. This is where I get frustrated though...I analyze every guy I see now. I look at them and wonder if they're my type, if they would date me. The answer is usually no, and it gets really frustrating because I don't want to date anyone but somehow my mind keeps going back to that. It's something that I'm trying very hard to control.

Then, I have a silly little crush...on a boy that probably doesn't spend half the time thinking about me as I do him. I try really hard to not focus on him but this is also very difficult. I'm the type of person that has a really hard time truly letting go, until I have someone else to fill that spot in my heart. Sounds horrible I know. It's the way my mind works though.

I think about my Dad all the time. I think about what I want to say to him when I go home. I need him to know how I have felt, how he has made me feel. I just don't know how to word it. I guess I could just say that I need him in my life, but I feel like I need him to really understand where I'm coming from. I want him to know all my heartache, and all the things that make me so happy, and I want him to understand my sense of humor, and realize how smart I am. I just want him to think I'm amazing. That sounds so weird...but its what I want.

I have learned a lot in the past month. It is amazing that in September I was questioning if I even had faith anymore, if I cared about Jesus at all, and now I'm beginning to realize how apparent He is in my life. When I broke up with Shay I felt like my whole life was crumbling down around me, but it wasn't. Everything else in my life got so much better. My friendships with people have gotten stronger and I'm beginning to realize how much people care about me, as much as I try to deny it. A couple people from my past have come back into my life and at first I didn't quite know how to deal with that. It has proven to be amazing though. I have things to learn from them.

I probably make no sense, and whoever reads this anymore probably hates that I keep talking about Shay and relationships, but I don't really care. If I upset/annoy you, just stop reading....

<3
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