(no subject)
I have come to several realizations in the past week; about myself, about relationships; and about significant friendships. I don't know why I am the type of girl that needs to have a boyfriend to feel significant. I haven't been single for more than 6 months since jr. high. I don't know if it has to do with growing up without a father...it is very hard trying to figure out the way my mind works. Anyways, in the last week I have realized that there are people that truly care about me no matter what; I have tried my hardest to push them away yet they are still in my life. I was driving home Saturday night after spending time with Kimmy and Julie and a part of me was really sad because I was alone with my thoughts once again, but another part of me was so joyful because Kimmy, Julie, and I are still friends. After everything that has happened since we graduated high school it just doesn't seem logical. I have a lot to be grateful for in that respect.
I was driving down the road listening to JJ Heller's song "The Last Time" and it was amazing that that's exactly how I feel right now. I haven't really listened to that song since Jared and I broke up, but once again I find myself in the same place I was then. I tend to pick boys that are "comfortable and safe, but just not right". Well, I dont really think there was anything about Jared that was right but with Shay I thought things were different. I think it's more that I wanted them to be different so badly that I was in denial that they weren't. I didn't want to tell people that I wasn't happy, and I made up other reasons for my unhappiness. It's very unhealthy to behave in this manner I guess, but its what I did. I wanted so badly for things to work out; I tried changing someone into the person that I want them to be (yet again). I'm not going to say that Shay was a terrible person; he isn't. He's just not the right guy for me. I can imagine us being friends someday, but not anytime soon. I think we are both so hurt, and pissed off, and just hating life. I really wouldn't know what he is going through right now since he won't talk to me, but I imagine that its something similar to what I'm going through. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is change, and now my life is going to completely change. That's what makes me the most unhappy I think.
On the bright side, I think I now have an even better understanding of the guy I want to marry. I made a mental list after I broke up with Jared, and now my list is considerably longer. I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve. I think I moved to fast into a relationship with Shay after just breaking up with Jared; I was so confused and I just didn't have the strength to be as strong as I needed to be to resist Shay's persistence. Now I am that strong though. I'm sick of having my heart broken.
I need time to figure out who I am...alone. I have been defined by whoever I am dating and have lost sight of what I believe in and stand for. I honestly wish I could spend a month up at Lost Canyon again. Serving over the summer were some of the best weeks of my life. I just wish that I had held on to the person I was when I came home. I was so joyful, and at peace, and just felt on top of the world. It sucks that I let that part of me slip away because it wasn't appealing to the person who "loved" me. Julie told me that I can get that part of me back though; it's not as easy as it is up at Lost Canyon but I'm hoping that I can do it. Part of what keeps me going is a line from that JJ Heller song..."He promises a happy end". I know that God will take care of me; His unconditional love is unfailing even if I have turned away from him (once again). Just knowing that puts a smile on my face.
I'm sure this entry is way more than anyone cares to hear and that is fine. I wrote it more for myself than anyone else.
<3
PS. I am so thankful again for the friends that have stood by me through everything.
I was driving down the road listening to JJ Heller's song "The Last Time" and it was amazing that that's exactly how I feel right now. I haven't really listened to that song since Jared and I broke up, but once again I find myself in the same place I was then. I tend to pick boys that are "comfortable and safe, but just not right". Well, I dont really think there was anything about Jared that was right but with Shay I thought things were different. I think it's more that I wanted them to be different so badly that I was in denial that they weren't. I didn't want to tell people that I wasn't happy, and I made up other reasons for my unhappiness. It's very unhealthy to behave in this manner I guess, but its what I did. I wanted so badly for things to work out; I tried changing someone into the person that I want them to be (yet again). I'm not going to say that Shay was a terrible person; he isn't. He's just not the right guy for me. I can imagine us being friends someday, but not anytime soon. I think we are both so hurt, and pissed off, and just hating life. I really wouldn't know what he is going through right now since he won't talk to me, but I imagine that its something similar to what I'm going through. I think the thing that frustrates me the most is change, and now my life is going to completely change. That's what makes me the most unhappy I think.
On the bright side, I think I now have an even better understanding of the guy I want to marry. I made a mental list after I broke up with Jared, and now my list is considerably longer. I don't want to settle for less than what I deserve. I think I moved to fast into a relationship with Shay after just breaking up with Jared; I was so confused and I just didn't have the strength to be as strong as I needed to be to resist Shay's persistence. Now I am that strong though. I'm sick of having my heart broken.
I need time to figure out who I am...alone. I have been defined by whoever I am dating and have lost sight of what I believe in and stand for. I honestly wish I could spend a month up at Lost Canyon again. Serving over the summer were some of the best weeks of my life. I just wish that I had held on to the person I was when I came home. I was so joyful, and at peace, and just felt on top of the world. It sucks that I let that part of me slip away because it wasn't appealing to the person who "loved" me. Julie told me that I can get that part of me back though; it's not as easy as it is up at Lost Canyon but I'm hoping that I can do it. Part of what keeps me going is a line from that JJ Heller song..."He promises a happy end". I know that God will take care of me; His unconditional love is unfailing even if I have turned away from him (once again). Just knowing that puts a smile on my face.
I'm sure this entry is way more than anyone cares to hear and that is fine. I wrote it more for myself than anyone else.
<3
PS. I am so thankful again for the friends that have stood by me through everything.