I'm here for no one but myself. Take this for face value.
Dear Self,
I'm starting to feel the lack, yet Im holding myself back. This should be nothing new to you. I just wanted to write ahead of time, for these apologies are building up. This is fair warning, early notice. Prepare yourself for what is to come. Holding back, but they were holding us down. I cross the hall to see the pictures all in a blur, that day we broke tension. Yet you do know that things will never be as they were before this started. Ahead of time, I wanted you to know, this is not your fault, but really, it is. My sudden lack of common sense caught up with us this time, it's way too late. You are so used to getting what you want. How this is torture. Child get it together! PLEASE! Because you have to hold us together. But the big things are happening. Sorry, I let this happen. Half in protest and the other in crave. I'm craving this, but you know that. And the resulting hurt I feel is my reward. The crave should have listened to the protest, and the protest should have tried harder. Either way, I messed this up. Now you have to suffer as my punishment. It took hours to search for these words, the ones to write here. I debated ripping those pictures down across the hall. even though I never really see them. Just the pur blur. I was thinking this through. I knew I had my time to shine and managed to fail. So now Im just dull. The shine has gone away. Can I have it back? Can we get it together enough to care again? Im asking this to you. Pleading, if you will. I want all that back-just in different form. I don't want to be this dull color gold, I want to be that star again! Until you get yourself together enough to write this cold heart back, you must deal with everything your gonna go through. Everything Im going to put you through. Until then and that time...
....Get yourself together.
*Im being held down, honestly. Im being smothered in this so-called life. This is no way to live, im destined for bigger and better things. I can never achieve my goals here. Why am I staying? What is there to stay for? Surely not him. He is nothing anymore. I had my chance and I blew it. That's very true to my form. I wanted this though, truely. Part of me gets off on this, it drives my talent. Im fooling everyone so well, and I love it. No one knows the real person that I am and I think I like it that way. You cant miss someone who never really knew you, right? Wrong. That is my lack of common sense talking. As much as I like to play pretend, I think he saw who I really was as a person. Maybe that's why he went running for the hills. I don't blame him, I run from me too. My constant state of obliteration probably doesnt help. It scares me how easily I play it off. It scares me that I can be completely messed up, and convince a room full of people that I haven't 'touched the stuff' in 4 months. Don't judge me. It's how I get threw the day, ok? Yea. That is probably a cop out, actually-I know it is. I guess all in all, I just need to start being honest...with myself, of course.