Im telling myself this is relapse.
Again, Im not starting this out with any writing. I don't think I deserve to even write beautiful things, let alone share them with all of you beautiful girls. I appreciate how much you all believed in me, but I let you down. Big time. I stayed clean for a whole...eh, 37 hours? Not impressive. I don't even feel the drive to try again. Part of me still believes that I don't need to. Seriously, part of me still thinks that I don't have a problem. The worst part of this whole situation is that Im back to fooling everyone. I can't seem to get the nerve up to tell anyone that Im using again. Everyone is oh so proud of me for staying clean when really im just making them all look like fools. Im such an inconsiderate person. I was right all along though..there are just somethings about my life that are better forgotton. My constant state of obliteration is the only way I can achieve supressing those memories. There is so much going on in my life right now that I cant tell up from down and side to side. I feel like Im running on auto-pilot. Im just going thru the motions. Maybe that's just the way life is supposed to be though. I don't really see a point in that though. I guess I don't really see a point in life these days. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to die or anything I guess I just don't know what the point of living is. The other night, I decided that the point of life is..death. That's pretty morbid, but think about it. It's true isn't it? You have completed the goal of life only when you die. Up until that point you just go thru the motions. Or atleast that's how I feel about it. I feel like Im not a normal girl right now. I should be talking about boys and school and stuff...not eating disorders and drug addictions and the theory of life. Does anyone else feel this way? Like your getting jipped on having a real life..but for some reason you wouldnt have it any other way? I mean there are boy things and school things going on in my life..but I chose to write about the latter. It's weird. I think im in the middle of a rant, probably because I am very very high but..eh. Ill stop. I completed my fast but didnt get any real results. Im ready to start something new. Something that is going to work for me. I think I have hit a plateau. My body doesnt want to do the things I want it to do anymore. Im starting fresh tomorrow on a 2-month ABC plan, I believe. Ill keep you girls updated. Im sorry I let you all down, just know that I let myself down too.