A good friend told me this is detox.

[perfect_mayhem]

Im not starting my entry out with writing today. Im not feeling all that inspired. I was hurting people. I didnt see it. I didnt know it. I just thought...that they didnt know. They knew all along, they were watching me slowly kill myself. Popping pills like fucking skittles as everyone around me cringes in fear? Is that really who I have become?

Comments

[perfect_mayhem]

Don't be amazed by me. There is no reason. I failed. You guys and my friends had so much faith in me, and Im sorry that I let you down. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I let myself down. Im afraid that everyone is going to walk out. They probably will and I will have no one to blame but myself. I did this to me, and it's not fair to put anyone else threw this. I want to keep part of the things in my brain locked away for good. It's not easy to do that sober. I need to keep myself in a constant state of obliteration to keep up the level of forgetting I have worked so hard to achieve. I have suppressed so many things into that little corner of my brain, and when Im high..I dont even think about it. Or..I think about it less, and it's so much easier to handle. I don't want to feel real emotions. I never have. I have always been so carefree and 'one of the guys' and I want things to stay that way. It took 42 hours of being sober to realize..this is just who I am. Im not strong enough to handle these things and Im not strong enough to pretend they didnt happen. I NEED the pills to do this for me, or I have no chance. I dont want it to be this way, but I feel like it has to be. Again, Im sorry you wasted amazement on me and Im SO SORRY that I let you and everyone else down. I would understand if you never wanted to speak to me again, really. Either way, Im always here..especially when you need me. I dont have to be sober to be there for you, don't think that. When you need me-im going to be here. Promise! Stay strong, always love <3