A good friend told me this is detox.

[perfect_mayhem]

Im not starting my entry out with writing today. Im not feeling all that inspired. I was hurting people. I didnt see it. I didnt know it. I just thought...that they didnt know. They knew all along, they were watching me slowly kill myself. Popping pills like fucking skittles as everyone around me cringes in fear? Is that really who I have become?

Comments

[lifeacid]

What's beautiful about quitting is that, once you decide you actually want to do it, it means you're ready to face life on your own. I think that substance abuse is simply one way to deal with things without realizing it, rather than running away as many people so nonchalantly put it. But, once you're ready to quit, and once you've got friends helping you quit, it's good. I wouldn't be ready to quit what I do, though I haven't done it in a while, because it would mean implying that I would be giving it up forever. But then, I've never done any substance so consistently that I've had to detox, other than alcohol, and that wasn't even that bad. But even once I did detox I didn't quit. I still drink sometimes, I just control it now. But I did have to detox first. And I did oxy, but that started to fuck with my stomach so bad i couldn't even go a day without feeling sick. Though the high was amazing, apparently equivalent to heroin, I wanted to live rather than have the drug live for me, you know? So I haven't done that in at least two months. And then, once you're completely sober, in my case with the exception of cigarettes and a bit of alcohol here and there, you can remember how you felt when you were on your drug of choice. And then you can see things as beautiful, because you can feel good without feeling fucked up. You can feel good and actually be able to bask in it. If this doesn't make sense, I don't blame you. I think I'm being very confusing tonight. I just had a momentary "revelation," which I hand wrote four pages about, and it involved the fact that, though I haven't smoked weed since June, I can still think the things I thought when I was high, so it's perfect timing for me to have read this post, because obviously, I've had a lot to say. Regardless, however things turn out, I truly hope that you end up where you'll be happy. Also, good job on the fast, as well as the intake, though it's due to an unpleasant detox. Stay strong, in both food and drug restrictions, and stay beautiful, because you truly are.

[perfect_mayhem]

I wasn't ready to face life on my own, that's the problem. I knew this was going to happen. I knew I couldnt handle this. I was doing so well until last night. I caved. I didnt want to remember what I was remembering. Let me explain a little. I have severe memory loss from having seizures. Lucky enough for me, my mind protects me. I forget painful times in my life, things I couldnt normally handle. I dont know why this is, but I have never really complained about it before. I started memory treatments about 9 months ago, and that's also when I started becoming dependant on the pills. I don't want to remember those things, I want to keep them locked away in a part of my brain that no longer works. When I started to sober up..it started coming back to me. I broke. I failed. I..gave up. I tried, but I guess I just didnt try hard enough. Im just not strong enough to face my own life. What happens now? I mean, I have just realized that I cant face the life I have made for myself over the last 20 years. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where to start over, or if I should even try. Thank you for your kind words though, It means a lot. Im very proud that you are also trying to keep sober. Im sure if feels amazing. Everything is so beautiful when your sober. To me though, I guess beautiful doesn't exist in my real life.

[lifeacid]

Let me know how you're doing, doll. I care about you, even if we are only internet friends.

[perfect_mayhem]

Im sorry I havent been updating. Ill update soon, I promise :)