Forget December, it won't be better
Finally updating. I'll start off with this thing I wrote on Friday when I was extremely upset (not that I'm peachy freakin' keen right now), just to give you a taste of how my month's been going.
I hate the world lately. It seems like everything that happens, happens just for the purpose of fucking with me.
Take work; our new substitute manager (if he was a permanent one, I would've kicked him in the balls and quit on the spot) was a complete asshole and just asked me to do things in order to watch. Telling me to sweep an area of the restaurant that I'm not designated in, for example, and then looking over my shoulders for all the crumbs that went untouched. For giving me two parties at once, including one being held by the bitchiest, most demanding hag on the face of earth. Actually, come to think of it, it's not just the manager that pissed me off. It's the job. I can't stand dealing with ignorant, rude, impatient, or just plain dumb people; maybe hosting birthday parties for small children isn't exactly the right line of work for me.
And the school musical. I had a good audition, and an awesome callback. I belted all the high notes in "Those Magic Changes" and totally tore up "Mooning." Even Michaela, a professional actress who had accomplished more by the age of thirteen than most do before they die, was completely impressed with the way I acted and, especially, sang. So I'm thinking I have a decent shot at a really good role. Considering all the drama surrounding the casting of the show the previous year, I figured I'd be a shoo-in for a lead part. And of course, that's why I was utterly fucked. Not only did I not receive a lead role, I didn't even receive a role. I didn't get a character. I was listed as "Lead Dancer." Basically what that means is, I'm a chorus member that stands in the front for all the dance numbers. And that's it. This is the first show I've ever been cast in without a character. In seventh grade, for my first show ever, I even had a role. I had a name. Now I'm just another faceless, nameless, forgotten chorus member who will ultimately be lost among the crowd.
Compound work stress with Grease stress with loneliness and a lack of attention.... and you've got one fucked up, bland, and achingly broken recipe.
I have no confidence in myself. Being constantly rejected when it comes to practically everything doesn't do much for my self esteem. Going to auditions and being told how well I did, only to return to callbacks with a pre-selected cast makes me feel untalented. Being a bitch for a temporary dictator at a crummy job makes me feel lowly. Being constantly without anyone to just sit down and talk to makes me feel alone. Being around people who don't always seem to think of me first the way I do of them makes me feel unwanted.
I just wish something would happen to make me happy. Because right now, my life is a load of bullshit.
Now that that's out of the way... I applied at Eckerd tonight, so I might be working with Lindsay. I will piss myself out of happiness if I get the job and we get shifts together.
On Saturday I went over Lei's where there was drama galore over drunken stupidity the night before on Dan's behalf. At around 10 Lindsay, our new friend 8 and I left and saw Seed of Chucky. The movie sucked balls. Big balls.
Two months from now I'll be driving... can't friggin' wait!
I hate the world lately. It seems like everything that happens, happens just for the purpose of fucking with me.
Take work; our new substitute manager (if he was a permanent one, I would've kicked him in the balls and quit on the spot) was a complete asshole and just asked me to do things in order to watch. Telling me to sweep an area of the restaurant that I'm not designated in, for example, and then looking over my shoulders for all the crumbs that went untouched. For giving me two parties at once, including one being held by the bitchiest, most demanding hag on the face of earth. Actually, come to think of it, it's not just the manager that pissed me off. It's the job. I can't stand dealing with ignorant, rude, impatient, or just plain dumb people; maybe hosting birthday parties for small children isn't exactly the right line of work for me.
And the school musical. I had a good audition, and an awesome callback. I belted all the high notes in "Those Magic Changes" and totally tore up "Mooning." Even Michaela, a professional actress who had accomplished more by the age of thirteen than most do before they die, was completely impressed with the way I acted and, especially, sang. So I'm thinking I have a decent shot at a really good role. Considering all the drama surrounding the casting of the show the previous year, I figured I'd be a shoo-in for a lead part. And of course, that's why I was utterly fucked. Not only did I not receive a lead role, I didn't even receive a role. I didn't get a character. I was listed as "Lead Dancer." Basically what that means is, I'm a chorus member that stands in the front for all the dance numbers. And that's it. This is the first show I've ever been cast in without a character. In seventh grade, for my first show ever, I even had a role. I had a name. Now I'm just another faceless, nameless, forgotten chorus member who will ultimately be lost among the crowd.
Compound work stress with Grease stress with loneliness and a lack of attention.... and you've got one fucked up, bland, and achingly broken recipe.
I have no confidence in myself. Being constantly rejected when it comes to practically everything doesn't do much for my self esteem. Going to auditions and being told how well I did, only to return to callbacks with a pre-selected cast makes me feel untalented. Being a bitch for a temporary dictator at a crummy job makes me feel lowly. Being constantly without anyone to just sit down and talk to makes me feel alone. Being around people who don't always seem to think of me first the way I do of them makes me feel unwanted.
I just wish something would happen to make me happy. Because right now, my life is a load of bullshit.
Now that that's out of the way... I applied at Eckerd tonight, so I might be working with Lindsay. I will piss myself out of happiness if I get the job and we get shifts together.
On Saturday I went over Lei's where there was drama galore over drunken stupidity the night before on Dan's behalf. At around 10 Lindsay, our new friend 8 and I left and saw Seed of Chucky. The movie sucked balls. Big balls.
Two months from now I'll be driving... can't friggin' wait!