Softly as I Leave You - Part 2
This was intended for the 2018 advent challenge but it proved more difficult to write than expected. See Notes below for the source of inspiration.
Rating: NC-17
Title: Softly as I Leave You
Warning: Major character death
Characters: Stephen Maturin, Jack Aubrey, Sophie Aubrey, Padeen, Killick
Disclaimer: They belong to Patrick O'Brian, I'm just borrowing for a while.
Softly as I Leave You - Part 2
She smiled again and undid the ties of the bodice of her dressing gown to reveal her breasts. Stephen stared at them and licked his lips and looked up at her. Jack chuckled, “Do you want to suckle now?” He let his hand fall to Stephen’s cock, giving it a little squeeze. “I think Sophie would be happy to oblige.”
“You truly don’t mind. Sophie I would not …” he looked down blushing.
She reached out to hold his head and brought it close to her breasts, “Only if you want to Stephen.”
He moaned a little and licked her nipple and then suckled her. She rubbed his back encouraging him and Jack started to massage his cock and pinching his nipples.
“Yes, my dear suckle me, take comfort from me. I do love you my sweet brother.” She felt Stephen’s hand moving down her body and hover over her sex. She opened her legs a little and he slipped his fingers between her labia and began to rub her lightly creating the same sparks of pleasure that his mouth at her breast created. Stephen was now pushing back and forward and when Sophie looked at Jack, she saw him lift Stephen and her eyes widened as he entered him and began to thrust, his face buried in Stephen’s neck. Stephen by now was totally abandoned to his passion and kissed Sophie fiercely and turned to Jack who kissed him thrusting faster and faster until Stephen slumped into Sophie’s arms as he and Jack came, totally overwhelmed by sensation. She looked a little concerned and lifted his head, “Stephen, Stephen are you, all right?”
Jack roused by the concern in her voice opened his eyes and looked down at him and touched his cheek. “No, he’s all right just a little overcome. It often happens with him. He is so passionate and every bit of his energy is invested in his lovemaking and so when he comes, he just sort of wilts. He’ll recover in a few minutes.”
She was not convinced but then burst out with the one question on her mind, “So you do commit sodomy with Stephen?”
This roused Stephen who opened his eyes in surprise and looked between Sophie and Jack. Jack looked down and kissed him and looked up at her, “Yes my dear that is usually how it is done. Do you object?”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
“Well both of us enjoy it.” Jack smiled.
“Then Stephen does the same to you?”
Stephen nodded and looked uneasily at her. “I hope you are not …”
“Offended, no, surprised perhaps. No don’t worry my dear you haven’t offended me in any way. But I think you should sleep now, you look a little fatigued.” She patted his cheek. “Come cuddle up in my arms.”
Stephen swiftly complied and snuggled into her breasts again. She smiled up at Jack and he leaned over Stephen and kissed her. “My dear sweet Sophie. Thank you for this gift.”
He looked down at Stephen who had fallen asleep again. He gently touched his hair and looked at Sophie again, “You were very kind Sophie. You have shown him so much love and caring with this…” He looked down and with a grin added, “Did you enjoy his suckling?”
She swatted him, “You know I did, now lie down and sleep.”
Sophie lay there thinking on this night. She could not pretend that she did not enjoy the warmth and pleasure of being with both her men but she considered her behaviour by the standards taught to her by her mother and realised how useless living that way was. She knew now that both of them loved her unreservedly. Why had she wasted most of her life being miserly with herself, depriving Jack and pushing him away even when all he wanted to do was love her. She resolved there and then to make it up to him and yes, he will need her love once Stephen has left us. She wriggled out of Stephen’s arms. It would not be wise to stay here. Killick would not approve.
Stephen disturbed, opened his eyes and looked at her, “Please stay my dear.”
She shook her head, “I don’t think Killick is prepared to see all three of us in bed together.”
“Yes, you are right my dear. I think he has had quite enough shocks today. You will always be welcome my dear, if you want to join us.” He offered diffidently.
Sophie smiled and kissed him, “Good night or rather morning, sleep well.”
Stephen turned over and snuggled into Jack’s chest.
He was kissed awake by Jack. He returned the kisses and held Jack’s face to his, “Such a delight you are to me and I felt so warm and comforted to be surrounded by you and Sophie’s love and tenderness. Such bliss to be held by you both, loved by you both. If anything should enliven me it would be this.”
Jack kissed him again, “So you are saying we may keep you with us longer if we make love to you every night?”
“Mm, lord I wish it were so. But then I truly would be in heaven with my own two ministering angels, seeing to my every need.” Stephen laughed and kissed him again and pushed him away. “Help me up Jack. The sun is up and we should wash and dress.”
There was a rap at the door. “Ah, too late my dear. Killick is here to wash and dress you. I must leave you to his mercy.” He kissed Stephen again and stood up and pulled his nightshirt on and pulled open the door, “There you are Killick. Could you arrange a warm bath for the Doctor? It is still a bit chilly and we must take care of him.”
He closed the door behind Killick and stepped back to Stephen and held him and kissed him again. “What are you planning to do today or do you need to rest?”
“No, I feel quite revitalised. Your sweet attentions have done more for me than any potions. Perhaps we will go down to the mere and look for any spring arrivals, though it maybe too early for the birds to be here as yet.”
“You must put your coat on, I won’t have you chilled. I’ll take you down in the dogcart.”
“Jack, I am not that unwell. I can still walk. I will have you to lean on if I tire. Now off with you and don’t drink all the coffee before I come down.”
Killick knocked and entered with a pot of coffee and two cups. “Some coffee sirs. It will take a little while to heat the water on the stove.” Jack pulled out the side table and they sat on the bed and waited for Killick to put the tray down. He poured the coffee and left the room and they sat there sipping their coffee.
Padeen entered the room dragging a metal tub and Mary with towels and soap.
Jack finished his coffee and put the cup down. “I’ll go dress and have Sophie hold breakfast till you come down.”
Killick and Padeen filled the tub and Killick then turned to Stephen, “Come sir, off with your nightshirt. Let me help you into the bath.”
“Killick don’t you have to supervise the breakfast table? I’m sure Padeen will be able to help me bathe and shave and dress.”
“True, I can’t be certain that Mary will know the proper way. I’ll just lay out your clothes.” He glared at the discarded nightshirt and sheets on the bed and shook his head, but made no comment. He also circled Stephen to check for bruises or other marks. Nodded his head and left. Padeen helped him into the bath.
“Thank you for your help Padeen. I shall not be long. Perhaps you can take my nightshirt and the sheets from the bed down to the laundry.” He soaped himself and then lay back in the bath to wash away the suds. He lay in the warm waters totally relaxed, totally happy.
He was attempting to pull himself up from the bath when Padeen came back to his room and immediately bent to him and helped him out and then towelled him down. Stephen dressed as Padeen waited with his razor ready to shave him. He then helped Stephen down the stairs to the breakfast room.
Killick met them at the door and after inspecting his clothes and making a few tweaks guided Stephen to his chair and poured his coffee. “I’ll get the porridge from the kitchen.”
Jack snorted and said, “What did you expect Stephen? You deprived him of his accustomed duties. Like my silver, he believes it is his personal responsibility to ensure you are equally polished.”
“Well you are lucky Jack, he checked to ensure my skin was unblemished and I passed muster. You will not get a telling-off this morning.” Stephen sipped his coffee and beamed up at Sophie as she came into the room.
They had a quiet breakfast and Jack and Stephen walked down to the mere on Simmons Lea. Stephen returned a little disappointed. There were very few birds on the water. “It is a little too early yet. But then I still have a few weeks yet.”
Jack helped him the last few hundred metres or so as Stephen lost energy. “This is so frustrating; my body just will not function.”
“Well perhaps we were a little too active last night. We should be a little more careful.” Jack suggested. “Please rest this afternoon. Brigid will be home in a few days and I don’t want her to be too worried about you.”
“Don’t fuss so Jack. I’m just a little more tired than usual.”
They spent a pleasant week, by day just sitting in the sun and talking of old friends and by night cuddled together in Stephen’s bed. Stephen felt their night time activities helped him, the sensations of being enveloped in the love and tenderness of his dearest friends provided the emotional support he needed to prevent his mood darkening. He knew physically that it made no difference to the growth of the cancer or his prognosis but he chose to live for the present and to enjoy these last days with them.
One afternoon when Stephen was alone with Sophie he asked, “You told me that first night of your conversation with Diana where she mentioned my preferences. Did she say anything else about me?”
Sophie smiled, “No, not really. She spent most of her time trying to change my attitude to intimacy with Jack. I tried to follow and remember all that she said but it was so difficult then. Oh wait, she mentioned that you were going to give Jack some lessons. I did not understand what she meant. Did you give him some lessons?”
“Ah, yes my dear, she made me promise to show Jack how to please you in bed. She seemed to think he was somewhat lacking in technique.”
“So that explains it. Jack was suddenly a different man. He was more patient with me and started to do things that he had never done before. I began to look forward to being with him, rather than fearing it. I promise Stephen I shall do better by Jack. I was such a foolish creature, listening to and believing my mother all those years. I should have been a more generous wife and to at least try to understand him.”
The next day Stephen seemed nervous and unsettled. Sophie hugged him, “My dear do not worry so. You have told me that you think Brigid will know before you have to say a word. You cannot change anything and both of us will be here for you and Brigid and there is Padeen who has always been someone she can go to for comfort.”
There was the sound of carriage wheels in the courtyard and Stephen jumped up crying, “Brigid. I must go to her.” He turned to Sophie, “Please let me go alone. I wish to be the only one when she sees me. No, perhaps have Padeen at the door and he can come to us straight away if she is too upset.”
Sophie helped him to the door, his breathing laboured and his skin ashen. She caressed his cheek, “Are you sure you want to go alone?”
He nodded, “Yes, I should face this. Thank you my dear.”
He opened the door and walked carefully down the stairs, his feet uncertain. Sophie turned and urged Padeen forward. “Come, come quickly. Stand at the door here and run if the Doctor looks like he might fall or Brigid becomes too distressed.” Padeen nodded his head and kept his eye on Stephen looking to make sure he did not trip and readied himself to run.
Jack came down the stairs, “Brigid is here. Where is Stephen?”
“He’s outside. He wants to be alone with her when he tells her.” Sophie turned from Jack and peeked through the narrow pane of glass trying to see what was happening, afraid Stephen would collapse.
Jack frowned, “I should go out support him, he …”
She grabbed his arm, “No Jack, he wants to talk to her alone. Padeen is just outside and will help him if he falls or Brigid is too upset. He may not have to say anything. Stephen told me he thought she had the same gift as Padeen.” Jack looked puzzled. “Padeen can tell if a person is dying it seems. That is what upset him so much the first day Stephen came home.”
“Oh, well Stephen always said she was a leanai sidhe, a type of fairy, perhaps she does have special powers.” He too looked out the glass panel to check on Stephen and Brigid.
Stephen reached the carriage and opened the door and Brigid leapt into his arms and he staggered back but managed to put her down before he fell over. She stepped back looking at him, smiling and then cried out, “No, no Papa, you can’t leave me, you can’t …” He drew her to him and held her tight rocking her and crooning to her. “Don’t cry so, my acushla. I’ll be here for a little time longer. I would never want to leave you but I cannot control this.” He kissed her and held her tight. The carriage driver looked on uncertainly and looked with some relief as Padeen hurried over to him and more people came from the house.
Jack paid off the driver and Padeen comforted Brigid, “Come now Brideen dear, come into the house.”
Sophie put her arm around Stephen who was now rather wobbly on his feet. “Come my dear, come into the warm and you can speak to Brigid once she has calmed a little.”
Killick came and helped Jack with Brigid’s bags.
Stephen took a deep breath and turned his head to Jack as he touched his arm and smiled up at him, “It’s all right my dear. I will talk to Brigid and I can’t make it better for her but perhaps in the end she will understand. Just leave us together for a little while.” He stepped away from Sophie and straightened his spine and walked to the stairs and up to Brigid’s room.
Jack hugged Sophie as they both watched his slow, determined ascent. Jack murmured, “He is determined to do this alone, but then …. Brigid is his daughter and there is nothing we can say that would make a difference … Let’s wait in the drawing room until one or the other comes to us.”
They sat there for an hour then two hours and Jack became restive. Sophie put her hand on his arm, “Jack perhaps you should go for a walk, do something, you are not used to waiting or feeling so helpless. There is nothing we can do about this, it is up to Brigid, no one, not even Stephen can change this for her or remove her pain. She will have to learn to bear it.” Jack nodded and sat down heavily. “Yes, you have waited for me all these years, forced to bear the loneliness. I’m sorry my dear, so sorry.” He kissed her cheek and held her.
Padeen stood at the door and cleared his throat, “Your honour, the doctor dear is wanting you to go to his room. Will you come?”
Jack looked at Sophie worried and nodded, “Of course, of course…” He turned to Sophie as he got up, “Will you go and see Brigid my dear?” He hurried from the room.
Sophie was about to get up and follow him upstairs and looked up to see Brigid walking into the room, pale but her eyes red-rimmed but for the moment in control.
Sophie stood up and pulled her into her arms and held her close, rubbing her back. Brigid pulled back and shook her head, “It’s all right Aunt Sophie but all my tears won’t change anything and my Papa will leave us I know this. Where is Uncle Jack? Is he with Papa? Papa does need him so. Uncle Jack is better for him than that horrible laudanum. He calms him and makes him so happy. Does Uncle Jack sleep in Papa’s bed?”
Now disturbed, Sophie asked, “How do you know that Jack and Stephen share a bed?”
“Oh, they always did on board the Surprise and the Implacable….” She stopped abruptly and looked guilty, “But Killick and Dr Jacob told me I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone …”
“Were you in the room when they were together?” Sophie asked, angered now.
“Oh, just once, by accident … I didn’t mean to… I woke in my cabin alone and I was lying there in my cot and I could feel Papa. He is very noisy really. Not sound, but his feelings, they were very loud and he was so excited and happy because of what he was doing with Uncle Jack. So, I got out of my hammock and went to their cabin and opened the door and watched them. They didn’t know I was there but I could see all the joy coming out of them as they held and kissed each other and were doing this strange sort of wriggling. The colours pulsed so bright, it filled the room, it made me feel light and giddy and tingly. I was worried they would see me and be angry so I left and closed the cabin door. Killick came then and he seemed upset and sent me back to my cabin and he got Dr Jacob and they both told me that what I saw was a secret and I mustn’t tell anyone about it and I shouldn’t go into the cabin when Papa and Uncle Jack were alone together. But I always knew when they were happy, I could always feel it when they were together and in the morning all I had to do was look at Papa’s colours. They were so much brighter and clearer, not muddy at all.”
“So, they don’t know that you saw them and Killick never told them?”
Brigid shook her head, “Oh no, Killick said it would upset them to know what I had seen, so I never told them. Was that wrong?”
“No, my dear,” Sophie, calmer now but still perturbed and now curious asked, “Can you see other people’s colours?”
“Not really. I’m not that interested in other people. Sometimes I can see yours and Uncle Jack’s and George’s but no one else. But then Papa is odd. With some people like here at home, at Mrs Broad’s and on the Surprise, I can always see the colours surrounding him. But on the Implacable and other places where there are people he doesn’t like or trust, his colours disappear, as if he is hiding. He’s very good at that. When Uncle Jack and Papa play music together the colours are so bright and clear and they are so happy.”
“Does Padeen see colours too?” Sophie prompted.
“Oh yes, he’s always seen people’s colours. He says Papa could do it too, if he wanted but he doesn’t, not any more. Padeen thinks someone or something hurt him long ago and he just went inside himself and he no longer looks for the colours.” Brigid looked sad and nodded, “But then sometimes if you look for the colours you see things you don’t want to see. It must have been awful whatever happened to Papa to make him not want to see the colours anymore.”
Then Brigid stiffened and Sophie could see she was concentrating on something and then she smiled and murmured, “Uncle Jack is making Papa happy again.”
“Well my dear, how was your trip from Spain and your cousins Felipe and Aurelia and their children? They are well?”
Brigid looked her surprise at the turn of conversation but realising her Aunt’s discomfort replied, “They are all quite well and happy. I remember when I first met Mireia as a baby I didn’t like her much. Now she’s grown she’s not that bad but her brother Jaime. He is a little terror. But like Papa he’s really interested in animals and if you can get him talking about them, he’s not that bad.”
Sophie smiled and shook her head, remembering Stephen’s more surprising activities. “What makes you smile so Aunt Sophie?”
Sophie hugged Brigid again and whispered, “Nothing of importance my dear. Just thinking of what a kind and generous man your Papa is.”
Still confused Brigid nodded, “Yes Aunt Sophie. I should go upstairs and unpack and hang up my clothes. Killick will nag me if I don’t.”
Sophie stood up and went to the kitchen to check with Mary the progress of the dinner preparations and finding everything in order was returning to the drawing room and met Jack in the hall. Sophie smiled when she saw his red cheeks and noted the rather nervous look, he gave her. She leant close to him and whispered, “Have you been up to mischief Jack?”
He blushed and looked at her and stammered, “Well I did have to cheer Stephen a little you know.”
She laughed and whispered again, “Of course my dear. It is your duty.”
“How is Brigid my dear? Has she been down?”
She nodded, “Yes, she has. She’s trying very hard for her father to accept this, but there may still be some problems ahead. We shall see … She’s gone back upstairs to unpack and will be down for dinner. Will Stephen be at dinner my dear?”
“He’s just resting. I’ll get Padeen to go up and check on him well before dinner.”
For a minute Sophie regarded Jack and considered whether she should tell him of Brigid’s surprising abilities but quickly rejected such an action. Stephen would never take any comfort from Jack if he knew Brigid was aware of his activities and Stephen’s well being was of prime importance at this time. She would tell Jack after and her face dropped and she quickly looked away. Jack puzzled turned to her and held her and kissed her, “My love, my dear Sophie what is wrong?”
She wiped her eyes and laughed, “It seems Brigid is not the only one finding it difficult to accept.” She stood up straighter and nodded to Jack, “But we must be strong for her at least.”
Jack nodded and kissed her again. “Shall we go for a walk in the garden while the weather holds? I need some fresh air and some time away, just to clear my head. I try to stop thinking of the end but every thought I seem to have draws me down there and I can’t crumble. I have to support him, make his last days …” He stopped and beckoned to Sophie, “Come my dear, there’s still a little sunshine out there. Let’s seek the light.”
So, the days went on and for a little while Jack could provide the comfort Stephen needed but it reached a point when Stephen was too weak to leave his bed and between Padeen, Brigid and Sophie he was tended most of the day and Jack remained with him at night. One night, Stephen stopped Jack before he joined him in bed. “No, my dear, go be with Sophie. She must miss you. I have asked Padeen to sleep on the daybed.” Jack frowned and Stephen pulled him down and kissed him. “I’m not the only one who needs comfort these days, please go to her Jack. I can manage. I will take some laudanum and if there is any problem Padeen will be at hand to help me. Go now. I will see you in the morning.”
Jack left unwillingly but saw that Stephen was adamant and Jack knew he had no chance of overcoming his resolve, no matter his physical condition. He stopped Padeen as he was entering the room, “Padeen, at the slightest sign of trouble come and get me straight away. Do you understand?”
“Yes, your honour … I will.” Jack nodded and left for his room.
Just before dawn Stephen called, “Padeen, Padeen please come and help me dress.”
Padeen woke and came straight to the bed. “It is too early for breakfast dear doctor. Sleep a little longer.”
“No, Padeen I want to go outside. I want to see the dawn and perhaps some birds … maybe for the last time. Will you help me Padeen?” Stephen stared at him, willing him to understand. “Just one more time Padeen, please.”
Padeen looked nervous, “But his honour will be so angry with me.”
Stephen nodded, “Yes he might, but I will stand up for you. Please Padeen.”
Padeen nodded, “Yes, sir.” He helped him out of bed and dressed him, putting two coats on him and then wrapped him in a blanket. He shook his head at Stephen’s protests, “I must keep you warm the Admiral will be so angry with me if I don’t.”
Stephen with little good grace submitted. Padeen picked him up and carefully carried him down. Putting him in a chair until he could open the door and picking him up asked him, “Where do you wish to go dear doctor?”
“The mere at Simmons Lea, take me there.” Padeen nodded and padded silently with Stephen held close to his chest.
They spent a good hour at the lake, Stephen gazing at the sun and looking and listening to the birds taking wing with the first rays of the dawn. He nodded and smiled and tapped Padeen’s chest, “You can take me home now, dear Padeen. We may get back and inside before Jack realises.” He nodded off and worryingly Padeen noted a change in his breathing. It was much too laboured and he hurried back with his precious bundle, afraid, very afraid for him.
One mistake had undone them. Padeen hadn’t closed the front door properly and Mary who was starting her work for the day noticed it straight away and ran to the Admiral’s room. She softly rapped on the door, “Sir, madam there is a problem.”
Jack got up immediately and opened the door, “Yes Mary?”
“Sir I found the front door open sir.” Jack frowned, “Get Padeen straight away. He is in the Doctor’s room.”
She ran there and opened the door to find the Doctor’s bed empty and no Padeen and immediately turned and ran back to the Admiral, “Oh sir, they’re gone, they’re gone. Padeen and the Doctor are not there.”
Jack ran down the stairs and out the door and stopped as he saw Padeen, carrying Stephen walking back to the house. As he ran towards them, he called, “What have you done Padeen? What have you done?”
Padeen was openly weeping and not capable of reply, he could only stammer. Sophie ran from the house, “Stephen, oh Stephen!”
Jack took Stephen from Padeen’s arms growling in rage but then stopped and looked down at Stephen who whispered, “Jack, Jack, be calm, be calm. Padeen is not to blame. I told him to take me out to see the dawn and the birds. I wanted to see, just one more time. Don’t be angry.”
He glared at Padeen but ran back to the house calling, “Killick, Killick there get some hot water bottles and a warming pan. We need to warm the doctor’s bed. Hurry now.”
He ran up the stairs holding Stephen to his chest. Sophie followed him up, catching up with him at the top of the stairs, touching his arm, “Jack, Jack loosen your hold. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe.”
Jack loosened his hold and looked down at Stephen whose face was now a faint shade of blue and his breathing harsh and stertorous. “Come Jack put him to bed. Be gentle now.” Sophie tugged his arm and pushed him into their bedroom. Jack lowered him gently onto the bed and pulled the blankets up and bent to kiss him.
He knelt down and gently caressed his face. “Stephen why did you do it?”
Sophie knelt beside Jack and held him. “He told you my dear. He wanted to see the dawn and his birds one last time. Don’t be angry. He needs you to be calm and to accept this. Just hold him till he has to go. Here is Brigid. Come here Brigid, kiss your Papa. I think he is leaving us.” Brigid nodded and replaced Jack hugged her father but withdrew and looked up at Jack. “He needs you to hold him.” She stood up and Sophie held her and both looked down as Jack lay down beside Stephen and gently kissed his lips. And took him in his arms.
Killick, Padeen and Mary stood mutely at the door not daring to say anything. Brigid stiffened a little and a smile of wonder and delight crossed her face. “Oh……” was all she could say.
Sophie looked at her confused, “What is it my dear?”
“Papa has left us. Did you see Padeen? Did you see? His spirit leapt out of him in a blaze of gold and silver and expanded as big as the sky. He’s free of pain, free at last.”
Padeen smiled and nodded, “Yes he’s gone to heaven Brideen.”
Jack looked down at Stephen and moaned, “No, my love,” and bowed his head on Stephen’s chest and wept. Sophie motioned for the others to leave and she and Brigid reached for Jack, “Come Uncle Jack, he’s not here anymore. Come away. We have to take him to his room and prepare his body. Let Aunt Sophie look after you.”
Sophie whispered in his ear, “Come my love, come downstairs with me.”
She helped him up and looked at Brigid concerned. “No, I’m all right Aunt Sophie. He’s free from pain now. Could you send Mary and Padeen up. We need to wash him and dress him.”
Sophie nodded to Brigid and guided Jack from the room.
Killick came forward and helped Sophie with Jack. “Ma’am I’ll just go make some coffee for you and the Admiral. The others will take the Doctor to his room and you can then go dress. What will you be wanting for breakfast?”
Sophie looked down and her face constricted in pain and her hands clawed at her legs. She swallowed and mastered her feelings and looked up at Killick, “Anything light, toast and honey. I don’t think either of us can eat at the moment.” She clasped Jack in her arms and they wept for their brother and lover.
Upstairs Mary stripped the bed and put a clean sheet on the mattress and a single pillow. Padeen filled the bath with warm water and all three stripped him of his clothes and gently bathed his body. They clothed him in a white robe and put him on the bed. Brigid sat beside him on the bed and brushed his by now sparse hair and bent to kiss his forehead, Padeen kissed the Doctor’s hand, as did Mary and they left Brigid to sit with him. Finally, she lifted a clean sheet and put it over his body, leaving his head and neck uncovered, kissed his forehead one more time. “Goodbye my dear Papa.”
Brigid went to dress and Jack and Sophie did also and they came down to the dining room. Leaving the chair where Stephen had sat. They had a quiet breakfast served by a subdued Killick.
At the end of the meal Brigid looked at Jack and Sophie, “Perhaps you should both go and see Papa in his room. It will be easier to say goodbye in private rather than at the funeral.” Jack flinched and Sophie looked at him concerned and then back at Brigid, surprised by the strength she was showing. Brigid nodded and Sophie turned to Jack and urged him up. “Come my dear, I think it is time to say our last goodbyes.”
They came back downstairs to find Brigid at the dining table. She looked up at them. “Do you want the funeral to be just for family or do you want to invite his shipmates and other people?” She asked.
Jack and Sophie were quite taken aback, the seeming defenceless, grieving child of a few days ago was now gone, a poised young woman had taken her place. They sat down either side of her and Sophie looked with concern at her. She patted her hand and asked, “Are you quite all right my dear? You know you don’t have to hide your sadness from us?”
Brigid shook her head and looked down for a minute and then said, “Yes, I’m sad to lose him so soon but I know my father has no pain now and is free. He told me he did not want me to grieve too much and go on and live my life. I’m sure he would want the two of you, his dearest friends to do the same. He would never want to be a source of grief and pain to you. Perhaps it is easier for me to bear it if I can be busy arranging his funeral, so he is farewelled and honoured properly.”
Jack looked at her with pride, “Yes my daughter we will make sure he is given every honour he is due.” He hugged her tight and stood and started to pace thinking. “I think he would want some of his closest shipmates and his oldest friends there. I don’t know whether they can all come down for the funeral but yes, he shall be farewelled properly. If only they could come down quickly enough.”
“I know Babbington is in England and I think Mr Reade is still ashore. Tom Pullings and George are at sea, a pity. I don’t know if Mowett is in England at the moment. Certainly, Clarissa and Nathaniel Martin should be invited and Dr Jacob and Sir Joseph Blaine and Heneage. I suppose Prince William might expect to be invited. We can only hope he will be occupied elsewhere.”
“Will he be buried next to Diana?” Sophie asked. “He will be buried as a Catholic, so who is the nearest priest who can perform the service?”
Jack and Brigid looked at her and nodded. “Of course, my dear. I’m sure he has always made that clear. I believe there is an Irish priest, a Father O’Brien who could do the service.”
“I don’t know when Papa last went to confession. Will that stop him from being buried by a priest? But even though in theory Papa was a Catholic he never talked to me of having a religious funeral service.”
“But my dear he must have a Catholic service, it would not be considered proper otherwise. Even your mother had a minister perform the funeral service and I’m not sure she thought on religion much at all.” Sophie explained.
“We must write to as many people as soon as possible. I would invite Mrs Wood and her brother but they are in the far North of England and I don’t think they would be able to get here in time. We shall have to arrange the printing of his obituary in the correct newspapers, so others, colleagues and those not so close are aware of his death.” Jack hurried away.
The funeral was held the following week and, in the end, neither Brigid nor Jack could prevent their grief from overflowing as Stephen’s coffin was lowered into the ground and held each other and wept bitterly. Jack’s daughters looked coolly at their father’s and cousin’s tears but did not comment and quickly left the graveside, embarrassed. Sophie looked offended at her daughters’ lack of feeling but remained silent. Killick stood silent and glum alongside Padeen who openly wept. Heneage squeezed Jack’s arm in sympathy and Babbington, Mowett, and Reade looked down enveloped in their own memories of the Doctor. Dr Jacob, Clarissa, her husband and Sir Joseph Blaine stood silently to the side of the others. Sir Joseph came up to Jack and shook his hand, “You will miss our dear Maturin greatly my dear chap. I must pass on the Prince’s apologies he was not available to attend.” Jack nodded his head to indicate he understood. The Reverend Martin approached Sophie and offered his sympathy and shook his head, “What a loss to medicine and natural history he is and a good and true friend to me in the end. I’m so sorry Mrs Aubrey. I won’t disturb the Admiral he seems rather upset. Please extend to him and to dear Dr Maturin’s Brigid my condolences.”
Jack after he mastered his emotions, looked up and called to all remaining. “Please come along to the house to have something to eat and drink. We should have a proper celebration of Stephen’s life.”
After they had departed many locals from the village, those who remembered the man who had treated them for free and respected as Jack’s friend came to offer their respects at the graveside, leaving little nosegays of wildflowers and herbs at the side of the grave.
At the house a buffet was laid out in the main hall for all the funeral guests and as the day wore on and more drink was consumed there were stories told of Stephen by his fellow officers that amused and surprised Sir Joseph and Clarissa and her husband. Martin now more relaxed joined his former shipmates and spoke of some of his memories in the jungles of Brazil and in Egypt. Heneage stayed close to Jack aware of the depth and quality of their friendship and the degree of his loss, offering him support throughout the day. Sophie smiled at him glad that Jack had a friend on which he could rely. Dr Jacob stayed by Brigid’s side talking quietly with her in Catalan. Fanny and Charlotte left early claiming they needed to go back to their children but not without being aware of their mother’s displeasure.
When they had all gone Jack, Sophie and Brigid sat in the drawing room, quiet now dropping the personas they had donned to protect themselves during the day. They sat there in exhausted silence. All that was said had been said, all that was felt had been felt and there was a sense of emptiness and loss, a hollowness and a space left in their lives that seemed unfillable at this moment.
They went up to bed. Jack held on to Sophie and cried out his pain. It felt at that time that it would never end and he did not know how he would bear it. Sophie’s grief was for her husband and Stephen. She had lost her brother and yet her husband as yet could not turn to her for relief and perhaps she had lost him too, but that was long ago when her own actions had driven him away.
Brigid lay awake planning her escape. She had spoken to Dr Jacob of her plans to move back to Spain but she knew she could not do that until her Uncle Jack had been healed and she would wait. Oh, how she wished she could ask her father. He would know. He always knew how to comfort Uncle Jack.
The End
Notes: This came from the remnant of a dream of Stephen quietly withdrawing from Jack. Then before Christmas I was wasting time on YouTube listening to Queen music and it threw up a singer, a blast from my past, Matt Monro. I was an odd child at Primary school I was aware of the Beatles and rock groups but as the few records we possessed belonged to my father in my early years I was more likely to hear Nat King Cole, Matt Monro or Dusty Springfield rather than the usual suspects. So I started trawling through his songs on YouTube and this one came up. I suppose you could view Softly as I Leave You as a soppy romantic song but it struck me more as a song about someone leaving a lover permanently.
LJ obviously doesn't let you embed videos in community posts any more so here are the lyrics -
Softly, I will leave you softly
For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go
So, I leave you softly, long before you miss me
Long before your arms can beg me stay
For one more hour or one more day
After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there
(Softly, long before you miss me)
(Long before your arms can beg me stay)
(For one more hour) or one more day
After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there
As I leave I you there
As I leave I you there
Rating: NC-17
Title: Softly as I Leave You
Warning: Major character death
Characters: Stephen Maturin, Jack Aubrey, Sophie Aubrey, Padeen, Killick
Disclaimer: They belong to Patrick O'Brian, I'm just borrowing for a while.
Softly as I Leave You - Part 2
She smiled again and undid the ties of the bodice of her dressing gown to reveal her breasts. Stephen stared at them and licked his lips and looked up at her. Jack chuckled, “Do you want to suckle now?” He let his hand fall to Stephen’s cock, giving it a little squeeze. “I think Sophie would be happy to oblige.”
“You truly don’t mind. Sophie I would not …” he looked down blushing.
She reached out to hold his head and brought it close to her breasts, “Only if you want to Stephen.”
He moaned a little and licked her nipple and then suckled her. She rubbed his back encouraging him and Jack started to massage his cock and pinching his nipples.
“Yes, my dear suckle me, take comfort from me. I do love you my sweet brother.” She felt Stephen’s hand moving down her body and hover over her sex. She opened her legs a little and he slipped his fingers between her labia and began to rub her lightly creating the same sparks of pleasure that his mouth at her breast created. Stephen was now pushing back and forward and when Sophie looked at Jack, she saw him lift Stephen and her eyes widened as he entered him and began to thrust, his face buried in Stephen’s neck. Stephen by now was totally abandoned to his passion and kissed Sophie fiercely and turned to Jack who kissed him thrusting faster and faster until Stephen slumped into Sophie’s arms as he and Jack came, totally overwhelmed by sensation. She looked a little concerned and lifted his head, “Stephen, Stephen are you, all right?”
Jack roused by the concern in her voice opened his eyes and looked down at him and touched his cheek. “No, he’s all right just a little overcome. It often happens with him. He is so passionate and every bit of his energy is invested in his lovemaking and so when he comes, he just sort of wilts. He’ll recover in a few minutes.”
She was not convinced but then burst out with the one question on her mind, “So you do commit sodomy with Stephen?”
This roused Stephen who opened his eyes in surprise and looked between Sophie and Jack. Jack looked down and kissed him and looked up at her, “Yes my dear that is usually how it is done. Do you object?”
“Doesn’t it hurt?”
“Well both of us enjoy it.” Jack smiled.
“Then Stephen does the same to you?”
Stephen nodded and looked uneasily at her. “I hope you are not …”
“Offended, no, surprised perhaps. No don’t worry my dear you haven’t offended me in any way. But I think you should sleep now, you look a little fatigued.” She patted his cheek. “Come cuddle up in my arms.”
Stephen swiftly complied and snuggled into her breasts again. She smiled up at Jack and he leaned over Stephen and kissed her. “My dear sweet Sophie. Thank you for this gift.”
He looked down at Stephen who had fallen asleep again. He gently touched his hair and looked at Sophie again, “You were very kind Sophie. You have shown him so much love and caring with this…” He looked down and with a grin added, “Did you enjoy his suckling?”
She swatted him, “You know I did, now lie down and sleep.”
Sophie lay there thinking on this night. She could not pretend that she did not enjoy the warmth and pleasure of being with both her men but she considered her behaviour by the standards taught to her by her mother and realised how useless living that way was. She knew now that both of them loved her unreservedly. Why had she wasted most of her life being miserly with herself, depriving Jack and pushing him away even when all he wanted to do was love her. She resolved there and then to make it up to him and yes, he will need her love once Stephen has left us. She wriggled out of Stephen’s arms. It would not be wise to stay here. Killick would not approve.
Stephen disturbed, opened his eyes and looked at her, “Please stay my dear.”
She shook her head, “I don’t think Killick is prepared to see all three of us in bed together.”
“Yes, you are right my dear. I think he has had quite enough shocks today. You will always be welcome my dear, if you want to join us.” He offered diffidently.
Sophie smiled and kissed him, “Good night or rather morning, sleep well.”
Stephen turned over and snuggled into Jack’s chest.
He was kissed awake by Jack. He returned the kisses and held Jack’s face to his, “Such a delight you are to me and I felt so warm and comforted to be surrounded by you and Sophie’s love and tenderness. Such bliss to be held by you both, loved by you both. If anything should enliven me it would be this.”
Jack kissed him again, “So you are saying we may keep you with us longer if we make love to you every night?”
“Mm, lord I wish it were so. But then I truly would be in heaven with my own two ministering angels, seeing to my every need.” Stephen laughed and kissed him again and pushed him away. “Help me up Jack. The sun is up and we should wash and dress.”
There was a rap at the door. “Ah, too late my dear. Killick is here to wash and dress you. I must leave you to his mercy.” He kissed Stephen again and stood up and pulled his nightshirt on and pulled open the door, “There you are Killick. Could you arrange a warm bath for the Doctor? It is still a bit chilly and we must take care of him.”
He closed the door behind Killick and stepped back to Stephen and held him and kissed him again. “What are you planning to do today or do you need to rest?”
“No, I feel quite revitalised. Your sweet attentions have done more for me than any potions. Perhaps we will go down to the mere and look for any spring arrivals, though it maybe too early for the birds to be here as yet.”
“You must put your coat on, I won’t have you chilled. I’ll take you down in the dogcart.”
“Jack, I am not that unwell. I can still walk. I will have you to lean on if I tire. Now off with you and don’t drink all the coffee before I come down.”
Killick knocked and entered with a pot of coffee and two cups. “Some coffee sirs. It will take a little while to heat the water on the stove.” Jack pulled out the side table and they sat on the bed and waited for Killick to put the tray down. He poured the coffee and left the room and they sat there sipping their coffee.
Padeen entered the room dragging a metal tub and Mary with towels and soap.
Jack finished his coffee and put the cup down. “I’ll go dress and have Sophie hold breakfast till you come down.”
Killick and Padeen filled the tub and Killick then turned to Stephen, “Come sir, off with your nightshirt. Let me help you into the bath.”
“Killick don’t you have to supervise the breakfast table? I’m sure Padeen will be able to help me bathe and shave and dress.”
“True, I can’t be certain that Mary will know the proper way. I’ll just lay out your clothes.” He glared at the discarded nightshirt and sheets on the bed and shook his head, but made no comment. He also circled Stephen to check for bruises or other marks. Nodded his head and left. Padeen helped him into the bath.
“Thank you for your help Padeen. I shall not be long. Perhaps you can take my nightshirt and the sheets from the bed down to the laundry.” He soaped himself and then lay back in the bath to wash away the suds. He lay in the warm waters totally relaxed, totally happy.
He was attempting to pull himself up from the bath when Padeen came back to his room and immediately bent to him and helped him out and then towelled him down. Stephen dressed as Padeen waited with his razor ready to shave him. He then helped Stephen down the stairs to the breakfast room.
Killick met them at the door and after inspecting his clothes and making a few tweaks guided Stephen to his chair and poured his coffee. “I’ll get the porridge from the kitchen.”
Jack snorted and said, “What did you expect Stephen? You deprived him of his accustomed duties. Like my silver, he believes it is his personal responsibility to ensure you are equally polished.”
“Well you are lucky Jack, he checked to ensure my skin was unblemished and I passed muster. You will not get a telling-off this morning.” Stephen sipped his coffee and beamed up at Sophie as she came into the room.
They had a quiet breakfast and Jack and Stephen walked down to the mere on Simmons Lea. Stephen returned a little disappointed. There were very few birds on the water. “It is a little too early yet. But then I still have a few weeks yet.”
Jack helped him the last few hundred metres or so as Stephen lost energy. “This is so frustrating; my body just will not function.”
“Well perhaps we were a little too active last night. We should be a little more careful.” Jack suggested. “Please rest this afternoon. Brigid will be home in a few days and I don’t want her to be too worried about you.”
“Don’t fuss so Jack. I’m just a little more tired than usual.”
They spent a pleasant week, by day just sitting in the sun and talking of old friends and by night cuddled together in Stephen’s bed. Stephen felt their night time activities helped him, the sensations of being enveloped in the love and tenderness of his dearest friends provided the emotional support he needed to prevent his mood darkening. He knew physically that it made no difference to the growth of the cancer or his prognosis but he chose to live for the present and to enjoy these last days with them.
One afternoon when Stephen was alone with Sophie he asked, “You told me that first night of your conversation with Diana where she mentioned my preferences. Did she say anything else about me?”
Sophie smiled, “No, not really. She spent most of her time trying to change my attitude to intimacy with Jack. I tried to follow and remember all that she said but it was so difficult then. Oh wait, she mentioned that you were going to give Jack some lessons. I did not understand what she meant. Did you give him some lessons?”
“Ah, yes my dear, she made me promise to show Jack how to please you in bed. She seemed to think he was somewhat lacking in technique.”
“So that explains it. Jack was suddenly a different man. He was more patient with me and started to do things that he had never done before. I began to look forward to being with him, rather than fearing it. I promise Stephen I shall do better by Jack. I was such a foolish creature, listening to and believing my mother all those years. I should have been a more generous wife and to at least try to understand him.”
The next day Stephen seemed nervous and unsettled. Sophie hugged him, “My dear do not worry so. You have told me that you think Brigid will know before you have to say a word. You cannot change anything and both of us will be here for you and Brigid and there is Padeen who has always been someone she can go to for comfort.”
There was the sound of carriage wheels in the courtyard and Stephen jumped up crying, “Brigid. I must go to her.” He turned to Sophie, “Please let me go alone. I wish to be the only one when she sees me. No, perhaps have Padeen at the door and he can come to us straight away if she is too upset.”
Sophie helped him to the door, his breathing laboured and his skin ashen. She caressed his cheek, “Are you sure you want to go alone?”
He nodded, “Yes, I should face this. Thank you my dear.”
He opened the door and walked carefully down the stairs, his feet uncertain. Sophie turned and urged Padeen forward. “Come, come quickly. Stand at the door here and run if the Doctor looks like he might fall or Brigid becomes too distressed.” Padeen nodded his head and kept his eye on Stephen looking to make sure he did not trip and readied himself to run.
Jack came down the stairs, “Brigid is here. Where is Stephen?”
“He’s outside. He wants to be alone with her when he tells her.” Sophie turned from Jack and peeked through the narrow pane of glass trying to see what was happening, afraid Stephen would collapse.
Jack frowned, “I should go out support him, he …”
She grabbed his arm, “No Jack, he wants to talk to her alone. Padeen is just outside and will help him if he falls or Brigid is too upset. He may not have to say anything. Stephen told me he thought she had the same gift as Padeen.” Jack looked puzzled. “Padeen can tell if a person is dying it seems. That is what upset him so much the first day Stephen came home.”
“Oh, well Stephen always said she was a leanai sidhe, a type of fairy, perhaps she does have special powers.” He too looked out the glass panel to check on Stephen and Brigid.
Stephen reached the carriage and opened the door and Brigid leapt into his arms and he staggered back but managed to put her down before he fell over. She stepped back looking at him, smiling and then cried out, “No, no Papa, you can’t leave me, you can’t …” He drew her to him and held her tight rocking her and crooning to her. “Don’t cry so, my acushla. I’ll be here for a little time longer. I would never want to leave you but I cannot control this.” He kissed her and held her tight. The carriage driver looked on uncertainly and looked with some relief as Padeen hurried over to him and more people came from the house.
Jack paid off the driver and Padeen comforted Brigid, “Come now Brideen dear, come into the house.”
Sophie put her arm around Stephen who was now rather wobbly on his feet. “Come my dear, come into the warm and you can speak to Brigid once she has calmed a little.”
Killick came and helped Jack with Brigid’s bags.
Stephen took a deep breath and turned his head to Jack as he touched his arm and smiled up at him, “It’s all right my dear. I will talk to Brigid and I can’t make it better for her but perhaps in the end she will understand. Just leave us together for a little while.” He stepped away from Sophie and straightened his spine and walked to the stairs and up to Brigid’s room.
Jack hugged Sophie as they both watched his slow, determined ascent. Jack murmured, “He is determined to do this alone, but then …. Brigid is his daughter and there is nothing we can say that would make a difference … Let’s wait in the drawing room until one or the other comes to us.”
They sat there for an hour then two hours and Jack became restive. Sophie put her hand on his arm, “Jack perhaps you should go for a walk, do something, you are not used to waiting or feeling so helpless. There is nothing we can do about this, it is up to Brigid, no one, not even Stephen can change this for her or remove her pain. She will have to learn to bear it.” Jack nodded and sat down heavily. “Yes, you have waited for me all these years, forced to bear the loneliness. I’m sorry my dear, so sorry.” He kissed her cheek and held her.
Padeen stood at the door and cleared his throat, “Your honour, the doctor dear is wanting you to go to his room. Will you come?”
Jack looked at Sophie worried and nodded, “Of course, of course…” He turned to Sophie as he got up, “Will you go and see Brigid my dear?” He hurried from the room.
Sophie was about to get up and follow him upstairs and looked up to see Brigid walking into the room, pale but her eyes red-rimmed but for the moment in control.
Sophie stood up and pulled her into her arms and held her close, rubbing her back. Brigid pulled back and shook her head, “It’s all right Aunt Sophie but all my tears won’t change anything and my Papa will leave us I know this. Where is Uncle Jack? Is he with Papa? Papa does need him so. Uncle Jack is better for him than that horrible laudanum. He calms him and makes him so happy. Does Uncle Jack sleep in Papa’s bed?”
Now disturbed, Sophie asked, “How do you know that Jack and Stephen share a bed?”
“Oh, they always did on board the Surprise and the Implacable….” She stopped abruptly and looked guilty, “But Killick and Dr Jacob told me I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone …”
“Were you in the room when they were together?” Sophie asked, angered now.
“Oh, just once, by accident … I didn’t mean to… I woke in my cabin alone and I was lying there in my cot and I could feel Papa. He is very noisy really. Not sound, but his feelings, they were very loud and he was so excited and happy because of what he was doing with Uncle Jack. So, I got out of my hammock and went to their cabin and opened the door and watched them. They didn’t know I was there but I could see all the joy coming out of them as they held and kissed each other and were doing this strange sort of wriggling. The colours pulsed so bright, it filled the room, it made me feel light and giddy and tingly. I was worried they would see me and be angry so I left and closed the cabin door. Killick came then and he seemed upset and sent me back to my cabin and he got Dr Jacob and they both told me that what I saw was a secret and I mustn’t tell anyone about it and I shouldn’t go into the cabin when Papa and Uncle Jack were alone together. But I always knew when they were happy, I could always feel it when they were together and in the morning all I had to do was look at Papa’s colours. They were so much brighter and clearer, not muddy at all.”
“So, they don’t know that you saw them and Killick never told them?”
Brigid shook her head, “Oh no, Killick said it would upset them to know what I had seen, so I never told them. Was that wrong?”
“No, my dear,” Sophie, calmer now but still perturbed and now curious asked, “Can you see other people’s colours?”
“Not really. I’m not that interested in other people. Sometimes I can see yours and Uncle Jack’s and George’s but no one else. But then Papa is odd. With some people like here at home, at Mrs Broad’s and on the Surprise, I can always see the colours surrounding him. But on the Implacable and other places where there are people he doesn’t like or trust, his colours disappear, as if he is hiding. He’s very good at that. When Uncle Jack and Papa play music together the colours are so bright and clear and they are so happy.”
“Does Padeen see colours too?” Sophie prompted.
“Oh yes, he’s always seen people’s colours. He says Papa could do it too, if he wanted but he doesn’t, not any more. Padeen thinks someone or something hurt him long ago and he just went inside himself and he no longer looks for the colours.” Brigid looked sad and nodded, “But then sometimes if you look for the colours you see things you don’t want to see. It must have been awful whatever happened to Papa to make him not want to see the colours anymore.”
Then Brigid stiffened and Sophie could see she was concentrating on something and then she smiled and murmured, “Uncle Jack is making Papa happy again.”
“Well my dear, how was your trip from Spain and your cousins Felipe and Aurelia and their children? They are well?”
Brigid looked her surprise at the turn of conversation but realising her Aunt’s discomfort replied, “They are all quite well and happy. I remember when I first met Mireia as a baby I didn’t like her much. Now she’s grown she’s not that bad but her brother Jaime. He is a little terror. But like Papa he’s really interested in animals and if you can get him talking about them, he’s not that bad.”
Sophie smiled and shook her head, remembering Stephen’s more surprising activities. “What makes you smile so Aunt Sophie?”
Sophie hugged Brigid again and whispered, “Nothing of importance my dear. Just thinking of what a kind and generous man your Papa is.”
Still confused Brigid nodded, “Yes Aunt Sophie. I should go upstairs and unpack and hang up my clothes. Killick will nag me if I don’t.”
Sophie stood up and went to the kitchen to check with Mary the progress of the dinner preparations and finding everything in order was returning to the drawing room and met Jack in the hall. Sophie smiled when she saw his red cheeks and noted the rather nervous look, he gave her. She leant close to him and whispered, “Have you been up to mischief Jack?”
He blushed and looked at her and stammered, “Well I did have to cheer Stephen a little you know.”
She laughed and whispered again, “Of course my dear. It is your duty.”
“How is Brigid my dear? Has she been down?”
She nodded, “Yes, she has. She’s trying very hard for her father to accept this, but there may still be some problems ahead. We shall see … She’s gone back upstairs to unpack and will be down for dinner. Will Stephen be at dinner my dear?”
“He’s just resting. I’ll get Padeen to go up and check on him well before dinner.”
For a minute Sophie regarded Jack and considered whether she should tell him of Brigid’s surprising abilities but quickly rejected such an action. Stephen would never take any comfort from Jack if he knew Brigid was aware of his activities and Stephen’s well being was of prime importance at this time. She would tell Jack after and her face dropped and she quickly looked away. Jack puzzled turned to her and held her and kissed her, “My love, my dear Sophie what is wrong?”
She wiped her eyes and laughed, “It seems Brigid is not the only one finding it difficult to accept.” She stood up straighter and nodded to Jack, “But we must be strong for her at least.”
Jack nodded and kissed her again. “Shall we go for a walk in the garden while the weather holds? I need some fresh air and some time away, just to clear my head. I try to stop thinking of the end but every thought I seem to have draws me down there and I can’t crumble. I have to support him, make his last days …” He stopped and beckoned to Sophie, “Come my dear, there’s still a little sunshine out there. Let’s seek the light.”
So, the days went on and for a little while Jack could provide the comfort Stephen needed but it reached a point when Stephen was too weak to leave his bed and between Padeen, Brigid and Sophie he was tended most of the day and Jack remained with him at night. One night, Stephen stopped Jack before he joined him in bed. “No, my dear, go be with Sophie. She must miss you. I have asked Padeen to sleep on the daybed.” Jack frowned and Stephen pulled him down and kissed him. “I’m not the only one who needs comfort these days, please go to her Jack. I can manage. I will take some laudanum and if there is any problem Padeen will be at hand to help me. Go now. I will see you in the morning.”
Jack left unwillingly but saw that Stephen was adamant and Jack knew he had no chance of overcoming his resolve, no matter his physical condition. He stopped Padeen as he was entering the room, “Padeen, at the slightest sign of trouble come and get me straight away. Do you understand?”
“Yes, your honour … I will.” Jack nodded and left for his room.
Just before dawn Stephen called, “Padeen, Padeen please come and help me dress.”
Padeen woke and came straight to the bed. “It is too early for breakfast dear doctor. Sleep a little longer.”
“No, Padeen I want to go outside. I want to see the dawn and perhaps some birds … maybe for the last time. Will you help me Padeen?” Stephen stared at him, willing him to understand. “Just one more time Padeen, please.”
Padeen looked nervous, “But his honour will be so angry with me.”
Stephen nodded, “Yes he might, but I will stand up for you. Please Padeen.”
Padeen nodded, “Yes, sir.” He helped him out of bed and dressed him, putting two coats on him and then wrapped him in a blanket. He shook his head at Stephen’s protests, “I must keep you warm the Admiral will be so angry with me if I don’t.”
Stephen with little good grace submitted. Padeen picked him up and carefully carried him down. Putting him in a chair until he could open the door and picking him up asked him, “Where do you wish to go dear doctor?”
“The mere at Simmons Lea, take me there.” Padeen nodded and padded silently with Stephen held close to his chest.
They spent a good hour at the lake, Stephen gazing at the sun and looking and listening to the birds taking wing with the first rays of the dawn. He nodded and smiled and tapped Padeen’s chest, “You can take me home now, dear Padeen. We may get back and inside before Jack realises.” He nodded off and worryingly Padeen noted a change in his breathing. It was much too laboured and he hurried back with his precious bundle, afraid, very afraid for him.
One mistake had undone them. Padeen hadn’t closed the front door properly and Mary who was starting her work for the day noticed it straight away and ran to the Admiral’s room. She softly rapped on the door, “Sir, madam there is a problem.”
Jack got up immediately and opened the door, “Yes Mary?”
“Sir I found the front door open sir.” Jack frowned, “Get Padeen straight away. He is in the Doctor’s room.”
She ran there and opened the door to find the Doctor’s bed empty and no Padeen and immediately turned and ran back to the Admiral, “Oh sir, they’re gone, they’re gone. Padeen and the Doctor are not there.”
Jack ran down the stairs and out the door and stopped as he saw Padeen, carrying Stephen walking back to the house. As he ran towards them, he called, “What have you done Padeen? What have you done?”
Padeen was openly weeping and not capable of reply, he could only stammer. Sophie ran from the house, “Stephen, oh Stephen!”
Jack took Stephen from Padeen’s arms growling in rage but then stopped and looked down at Stephen who whispered, “Jack, Jack, be calm, be calm. Padeen is not to blame. I told him to take me out to see the dawn and the birds. I wanted to see, just one more time. Don’t be angry.”
He glared at Padeen but ran back to the house calling, “Killick, Killick there get some hot water bottles and a warming pan. We need to warm the doctor’s bed. Hurry now.”
He ran up the stairs holding Stephen to his chest. Sophie followed him up, catching up with him at the top of the stairs, touching his arm, “Jack, Jack loosen your hold. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe.”
Jack loosened his hold and looked down at Stephen whose face was now a faint shade of blue and his breathing harsh and stertorous. “Come Jack put him to bed. Be gentle now.” Sophie tugged his arm and pushed him into their bedroom. Jack lowered him gently onto the bed and pulled the blankets up and bent to kiss him.
He knelt down and gently caressed his face. “Stephen why did you do it?”
Sophie knelt beside Jack and held him. “He told you my dear. He wanted to see the dawn and his birds one last time. Don’t be angry. He needs you to be calm and to accept this. Just hold him till he has to go. Here is Brigid. Come here Brigid, kiss your Papa. I think he is leaving us.” Brigid nodded and replaced Jack hugged her father but withdrew and looked up at Jack. “He needs you to hold him.” She stood up and Sophie held her and both looked down as Jack lay down beside Stephen and gently kissed his lips. And took him in his arms.
Killick, Padeen and Mary stood mutely at the door not daring to say anything. Brigid stiffened a little and a smile of wonder and delight crossed her face. “Oh……” was all she could say.
Sophie looked at her confused, “What is it my dear?”
“Papa has left us. Did you see Padeen? Did you see? His spirit leapt out of him in a blaze of gold and silver and expanded as big as the sky. He’s free of pain, free at last.”
Padeen smiled and nodded, “Yes he’s gone to heaven Brideen.”
Jack looked down at Stephen and moaned, “No, my love,” and bowed his head on Stephen’s chest and wept. Sophie motioned for the others to leave and she and Brigid reached for Jack, “Come Uncle Jack, he’s not here anymore. Come away. We have to take him to his room and prepare his body. Let Aunt Sophie look after you.”
Sophie whispered in his ear, “Come my love, come downstairs with me.”
She helped him up and looked at Brigid concerned. “No, I’m all right Aunt Sophie. He’s free from pain now. Could you send Mary and Padeen up. We need to wash him and dress him.”
Sophie nodded to Brigid and guided Jack from the room.
Killick came forward and helped Sophie with Jack. “Ma’am I’ll just go make some coffee for you and the Admiral. The others will take the Doctor to his room and you can then go dress. What will you be wanting for breakfast?”
Sophie looked down and her face constricted in pain and her hands clawed at her legs. She swallowed and mastered her feelings and looked up at Killick, “Anything light, toast and honey. I don’t think either of us can eat at the moment.” She clasped Jack in her arms and they wept for their brother and lover.
Upstairs Mary stripped the bed and put a clean sheet on the mattress and a single pillow. Padeen filled the bath with warm water and all three stripped him of his clothes and gently bathed his body. They clothed him in a white robe and put him on the bed. Brigid sat beside him on the bed and brushed his by now sparse hair and bent to kiss his forehead, Padeen kissed the Doctor’s hand, as did Mary and they left Brigid to sit with him. Finally, she lifted a clean sheet and put it over his body, leaving his head and neck uncovered, kissed his forehead one more time. “Goodbye my dear Papa.”
Brigid went to dress and Jack and Sophie did also and they came down to the dining room. Leaving the chair where Stephen had sat. They had a quiet breakfast served by a subdued Killick.
At the end of the meal Brigid looked at Jack and Sophie, “Perhaps you should both go and see Papa in his room. It will be easier to say goodbye in private rather than at the funeral.” Jack flinched and Sophie looked at him concerned and then back at Brigid, surprised by the strength she was showing. Brigid nodded and Sophie turned to Jack and urged him up. “Come my dear, I think it is time to say our last goodbyes.”
They came back downstairs to find Brigid at the dining table. She looked up at them. “Do you want the funeral to be just for family or do you want to invite his shipmates and other people?” She asked.
Jack and Sophie were quite taken aback, the seeming defenceless, grieving child of a few days ago was now gone, a poised young woman had taken her place. They sat down either side of her and Sophie looked with concern at her. She patted her hand and asked, “Are you quite all right my dear? You know you don’t have to hide your sadness from us?”
Brigid shook her head and looked down for a minute and then said, “Yes, I’m sad to lose him so soon but I know my father has no pain now and is free. He told me he did not want me to grieve too much and go on and live my life. I’m sure he would want the two of you, his dearest friends to do the same. He would never want to be a source of grief and pain to you. Perhaps it is easier for me to bear it if I can be busy arranging his funeral, so he is farewelled and honoured properly.”
Jack looked at her with pride, “Yes my daughter we will make sure he is given every honour he is due.” He hugged her tight and stood and started to pace thinking. “I think he would want some of his closest shipmates and his oldest friends there. I don’t know whether they can all come down for the funeral but yes, he shall be farewelled properly. If only they could come down quickly enough.”
“I know Babbington is in England and I think Mr Reade is still ashore. Tom Pullings and George are at sea, a pity. I don’t know if Mowett is in England at the moment. Certainly, Clarissa and Nathaniel Martin should be invited and Dr Jacob and Sir Joseph Blaine and Heneage. I suppose Prince William might expect to be invited. We can only hope he will be occupied elsewhere.”
“Will he be buried next to Diana?” Sophie asked. “He will be buried as a Catholic, so who is the nearest priest who can perform the service?”
Jack and Brigid looked at her and nodded. “Of course, my dear. I’m sure he has always made that clear. I believe there is an Irish priest, a Father O’Brien who could do the service.”
“I don’t know when Papa last went to confession. Will that stop him from being buried by a priest? But even though in theory Papa was a Catholic he never talked to me of having a religious funeral service.”
“But my dear he must have a Catholic service, it would not be considered proper otherwise. Even your mother had a minister perform the funeral service and I’m not sure she thought on religion much at all.” Sophie explained.
“We must write to as many people as soon as possible. I would invite Mrs Wood and her brother but they are in the far North of England and I don’t think they would be able to get here in time. We shall have to arrange the printing of his obituary in the correct newspapers, so others, colleagues and those not so close are aware of his death.” Jack hurried away.
The funeral was held the following week and, in the end, neither Brigid nor Jack could prevent their grief from overflowing as Stephen’s coffin was lowered into the ground and held each other and wept bitterly. Jack’s daughters looked coolly at their father’s and cousin’s tears but did not comment and quickly left the graveside, embarrassed. Sophie looked offended at her daughters’ lack of feeling but remained silent. Killick stood silent and glum alongside Padeen who openly wept. Heneage squeezed Jack’s arm in sympathy and Babbington, Mowett, and Reade looked down enveloped in their own memories of the Doctor. Dr Jacob, Clarissa, her husband and Sir Joseph Blaine stood silently to the side of the others. Sir Joseph came up to Jack and shook his hand, “You will miss our dear Maturin greatly my dear chap. I must pass on the Prince’s apologies he was not available to attend.” Jack nodded his head to indicate he understood. The Reverend Martin approached Sophie and offered his sympathy and shook his head, “What a loss to medicine and natural history he is and a good and true friend to me in the end. I’m so sorry Mrs Aubrey. I won’t disturb the Admiral he seems rather upset. Please extend to him and to dear Dr Maturin’s Brigid my condolences.”
Jack after he mastered his emotions, looked up and called to all remaining. “Please come along to the house to have something to eat and drink. We should have a proper celebration of Stephen’s life.”
After they had departed many locals from the village, those who remembered the man who had treated them for free and respected as Jack’s friend came to offer their respects at the graveside, leaving little nosegays of wildflowers and herbs at the side of the grave.
At the house a buffet was laid out in the main hall for all the funeral guests and as the day wore on and more drink was consumed there were stories told of Stephen by his fellow officers that amused and surprised Sir Joseph and Clarissa and her husband. Martin now more relaxed joined his former shipmates and spoke of some of his memories in the jungles of Brazil and in Egypt. Heneage stayed close to Jack aware of the depth and quality of their friendship and the degree of his loss, offering him support throughout the day. Sophie smiled at him glad that Jack had a friend on which he could rely. Dr Jacob stayed by Brigid’s side talking quietly with her in Catalan. Fanny and Charlotte left early claiming they needed to go back to their children but not without being aware of their mother’s displeasure.
When they had all gone Jack, Sophie and Brigid sat in the drawing room, quiet now dropping the personas they had donned to protect themselves during the day. They sat there in exhausted silence. All that was said had been said, all that was felt had been felt and there was a sense of emptiness and loss, a hollowness and a space left in their lives that seemed unfillable at this moment.
They went up to bed. Jack held on to Sophie and cried out his pain. It felt at that time that it would never end and he did not know how he would bear it. Sophie’s grief was for her husband and Stephen. She had lost her brother and yet her husband as yet could not turn to her for relief and perhaps she had lost him too, but that was long ago when her own actions had driven him away.
Brigid lay awake planning her escape. She had spoken to Dr Jacob of her plans to move back to Spain but she knew she could not do that until her Uncle Jack had been healed and she would wait. Oh, how she wished she could ask her father. He would know. He always knew how to comfort Uncle Jack.
The End
Notes: This came from the remnant of a dream of Stephen quietly withdrawing from Jack. Then before Christmas I was wasting time on YouTube listening to Queen music and it threw up a singer, a blast from my past, Matt Monro. I was an odd child at Primary school I was aware of the Beatles and rock groups but as the few records we possessed belonged to my father in my early years I was more likely to hear Nat King Cole, Matt Monro or Dusty Springfield rather than the usual suspects. So I started trawling through his songs on YouTube and this one came up. I suppose you could view Softly as I Leave You as a soppy romantic song but it struck me more as a song about someone leaving a lover permanently.
LJ obviously doesn't let you embed videos in community posts any more so here are the lyrics -
Softly, I will leave you softly
For my heart would break if you should wake and see me go
So, I leave you softly, long before you miss me
Long before your arms can beg me stay
For one more hour or one more day
After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there
(Softly, long before you miss me)
(Long before your arms can beg me stay)
(For one more hour) or one more day
After all the years, I can't bear the tears to fall
So, softly as I leave you there
As I leave I you there
As I leave I you there