Master and Commander (Abridged)
Because in 24 hours it will be Thanksgiving break so you can't possibly expect me to do actual work right now.
I made this a couple of years ago when I first read Master and Commander. It's not quite where I want it to be so perhaps you guys will have some suggestions. Someday I'll make ones for the rest of the series (unless this is total crap of course, and if so please let me know).
Probably rated PG-13 for language? Spoilers for Master and Commander.
Master and Commander (Abridged)
By Katy
Narrator: Master and Commander, by Patrick O’Brian. Chapter one. Jack Aubrey is sitting in the Governor’s House at Port Mahon listening to a music concert. He’s tall, buff, and manly with lovely flowing yellow hair, in the manliest of manly ways of course.
Jack (conducting along with the music): Splendid concert, absolutely splendid.
Stephen: Umm, could you like, not do that? Thanks.
Jack: I’ll conduct if I wanna conduct.
Stephen: You’re half a beat ahead and it’s really annoying.
Jack: Your mom’s half a beat ahead!
Stephen: Bring it!
Narrator: And that’s how Jack met Stephen Maturin. He was still angry when he went back to his room at an inn and found a letter waiting for him.
Letter: Dear Jack, Congratulations! You’re Captain of the Sophie! Love, Admiral Thos Walker.
Jack: I WIN AT LIFE!! I should go shopping!
Person: Have an epaulette!
Jack: (singing) My epaulette brings all the girls to the yard…
Narrator: The next morning, Jack ran into Stephen.
Jack: Hey Stephen! Guess what, I’m Captain!
Stephen: That’s awesome! Let’s be BFF’s!
Jack: OK!
Narrator: And thus the greatest friendship in the history of great friendships was born. In other news, Jack finds out that all of the good people on the Sophie are leaving the ship, and he is entirely without a competent set of officers. He also goes to examine his brand new shiney ship.
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is the ship.
Jack: It’s vintage!
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is the crew.
Jack: They look nice!
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is your cabin.
Jack: Wow cool!
Narrator: Chapter two. Jack and Stephen are having dinner and discussing stuff.
Stephen: I know everything ever!
Jack: I fail at Spanish!
Stephen: Careful, if you keep eating like that you’re going to get fat.
Jack: Psh, nah. So how do you know everything ever?
Stephen: I just happen to be a doctor years ahead of my time. And a naturalist.
Jack: Oh my G-d, I have this new ship and we totally need a doctor.
Stephen: Awesome, despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing about you and you could be a complete loony that will get me blown up, I think I’ll join your crew as your official doctor and BFF. I also know nothing about boats or ships or anything remotely nautical.
Narrator: The next day, Jack went off to conduct business on the Sophie, and Stephen stared at bugs for a while.
Stephen: Ants are fun!
Narrator: Jack met up with his new lieutenant James Dillon, and did some nautical stuff. And then they took the ship out for a test drive and got some new crew members and did more nautical stuff. And then they got Stephen and his cello on board.
Stephen: I know this is the Royal Navy and all, and meant for war, but I thought we could make some time for duets.
Jack: I’ll just dust off my fiddle and we can play to our hearts content.
Letter: Captain Jack Aubrey, you have to babysit a bunch of merchant ships as they sail somewhere.
Jack: Sir yes sir!
Narrator: Chapter three. It’s morning on the Sophie, out at sea.
Jack: Good morning Stephen. What do you want for breakfast? We have lots of greasy meats and stuff.
Stephen: No seriously, you’re really gonna get fat if you keep eating like that.
Jack: Oh you doctors and your diet tips. I would now like to assemble the entire crew and read out the Articles of War!
Crew: OK!
Jack: The Articles of War: Anyone having any sort of fun or doing anything at all other then firing canons at the French and the Spanish will be hung.
Crew: Hooray.
Jack: Mr. Mowett, why don’t you give Stephen a tour of the ship and describe every sail and every deck in exact dimensions and details?
Stephen: Sounds like fun!
Mr. Mowett: Sure. Blah blah blah, nautical gibberish, nautical gibberish, blah blah blah.
Stephen: How fascinating, do go on for a few more pages.
Mr. Mowett: Blah blah blah, more nautical gibberish, more nautical gibberish, blah blah blah.
Narrator: Later that evening at dinner…
Jack: So tell us Mr. Dillon, weren’t you heroically heroic in that battle that one time?
Dillon: Oh I don’t like to talk about it.
Jack: Nonsense, why don’t you tell the whole story in precise nautical detail?
Dillon: Well if you insist. We were on these ships and then there were these pirates and then I started directing stuff because the Captain was somewhere else or something, and then we demolished the pirates and I was a war hero and it was really exciting. All me. Yup, me. I should have been made Captain of a ship for it.
Jack: That’s funny, because I never did anything nearly as heroic and here I am, Captain of a ship. Isn’t that funny?
Dillon: Hilarious.
Narrator: And even later that night…
Jack: Hey, check out this letter.
Letter: Dear Admirality, one of my crew members committed sodomy on a goat and needs to be court marshaled. Love, Jack.
Stephen: That’s funny that they always go on about sodomy when like half of the judges and stuff are doing even worse. What’s gonna happen to him?
Jack: He’ll be hung. Terribly boring. And the goat will be killed.
Stephen: Can’t you just maroon him? And the goat? Maybe on different islands just to be safe?
Jack: Not really. Tea?
Stephen: Yes please.
Jack: Milk?
Stephen: Goats milk?
Jack: …
Narrator: Chapter four. It’s now the morning and Jack has decided to see how good people are at firing the canons.
Crew: Where are we going what are we doing what’s going on ahhh!!
Jack: Wow… Ummm… Fire the guns?
Crew: We are so confused!!
Jack: How long did that take?
Mr. Mowett: A million years.
Jack: We lose.
Narrator: A little later…
Stephen: Hey Jack, why are those two ships so close together?
Jack: PIRATES!!!!!
Narrator: An exciting battle ensued, described in the exactest of exact nautical terms.
Jack: We win! I’m rich!
Misc. Crew: No you don’t, there’s some Norwegians that were hiding, they can have their ship back now.
Jack: OY!!
Narrator: So Jack got all the ships safely to wherever they were going, and received some exciting news.
Jack: We’re going on a cruise!
Stephen: A Carnival cruise?
Jack: No silly, a Royal Navy cruise. And when I say cruise I really mean sail up and down Spain and capture random French and Spanish ships.
Stephen: Ohhhhhhhhhh.
Narrator: Chapter five. The Sophie is sailing along and spies a ship on the horizon.
Misc. Crew: Sail ho!
Narrator: But it’s really far away, so Jack stares at it for hours on end, even in the rain.
Stephen: You put on a coat right now before you catch your death of cold!
Jack: Yes mom. Hey the ship is getting closer… and closer… it’s French!
French Ship: Bonjour! We surrender!
Jack: How much do I rock right now!
Narrator: The Sophie may or may not have captured some more ships, but what’s important is that Stephen and James Dillon knew each other way back when in Ireland during the revolution.
James: Do you remember the super secret password?
Stephen: Of course!
James: Do you remember all of these people that died?
Stephen: Yeah, they were idiots. I told them not to do anything but nooooo, nobody listens to me.
James: Do you know that I’m Catholic?
Stephen: No way!
James: And I think our Captain’s kind of a crazy person.
Stephen: I see. (exits)
James: Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Of course, I probably shouldn’t have had that ninety seventh bottle of wine either.
Narrator: Chapter six. Back in Mahon, the Sophie was being repaired.
Stephen: Dear Diary, James Dillon is a Catholic. He also doesn’t like my BFF, but I’m sure that’ll change. Love, Stephen.
Jack: Hi Stephen! Let’s go to a party! Oh my G-d do not tell me you are wearing blue stockings.
Stephen: But I don’t wanna wear silk ones!
Jack: You’ll wear silk and like it or I’m not being seen in public with you!
Stephen: You just don’t want to look stupid in front of Mrs. Harte.
Snake: What up.
Jack: OH MY G-D SNAKE KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!
Stephen: Hey I found my silk stockings! But they have a hole in them, is that OK?
Jack: OH MY G-D IS IT POISONOUS!
Stephen: It’s the deadliest snake ever. Do you think if I put some other stockings under these ones people would notice the hole?
Jack: IT’S THE BIGGEST SNAKE IN THE WORLD!
Stephen: Chill it’s not poisonous!
Jack: Then what were you panicking about?
Narrator: At the party, Jack got drunk and made a fool out of himself.
Mrs. Harte: Please take your friend home.
Stephen: (to Jack) I can’t take you anywhere.
Narrator: So they went back to the ship.
Jack: So, how’s the crew?
Misc. Crew: They all got drunk and made fools of themselves.
Jack: Time to set sail! I think it’s a good time to have some men flogged for being drunk. That way they’ll never do it again ever.
Stephen: (dryly) How humane.
Misc. Crew: Look what we found!
Stephen: HOLY CRAP A REMORA!
Misc. Crew: The stupid thing was holding the ship back but now it’ll go really fast!
Stephen: Don’t tease my remora!!! (to the remora) Come on fishie, we’re too cool for these losers anyways. (calling back to the crew) And a nine inch fish can’t hold a whole ship back!
Ship: Freeeeeeeeeee!!
Narrator: Chapter seven. The Sophie ends up at Cape Nao, and everyone practices firing the canons some more. Suddenly…
Misc. Crew: Sails ho!
Narrator: … Some ships appeared!
Misc. Crew: It’s five ships sir!
Jack: Yessssssss! Attack!
First ship: Bonjour! We surrender!
Jack: That was easy.
Third ship: Later playas!
Jack: I need some coffee.
Stephen: Jack! Jack! I have some horrible news!
Jack: How are the wounded?
Stephen: Screw the wounded, some one drank the spirits I was preserving my gross dead things in!
Jack: No really, how are the wounded?
Stephen: Fine! Everyone’s fine! Wanna know who’s not fine? Me! Because they drank my spirits!
Jack: Seriously? No dead?
Stephen: Some one’s gonna be dead if I don’t get my spirits back!
Jack: I know, why don’t you have breakfast with me! That’ll make it better.
Stephen: I hate you.
Narrator: Later that day…
Dillon: I captured another ship!
Jack: Awesome, let’s go blow stuff up!
Dillon: OK!
Jack: Stephen made this handy dandy map of a Spanish battery we can blow up. We’ll go in, we’ll go out, should take no more than ten minutes!
Stephen: Make it twenty ‘cause you’re fat.
Jack: I’m not fat!
Narrator: So Jack, who was pretty fat-
Jack: Hey!
Narrator: Umm, portly, attacked this random little town and blew up this store of all this gunpowder and stuff and really really pissed off the Spanish.
Jack: I hate writing official reports.
Letter: Dear Admirality, I blew up some Spanish stuff and it was fun. Love, Jack.
Stephen: I guess that’s a bit clearer then the last four letters you wrote, but you should probably spell stuff right.
Jack: I’ve invented new words!
Narrator: The Sophie went back to Mahon, where everyone was jealous that Jack was winning at life and they weren’t. Then they went back to sea again for some more kicking of French and Spanish behind.
Stephen: Mind dropping me off at this random island for a bit? I’ve got a friend that lives there.
Jack: Ohhhh, riiiiiight, a “friend”. (nudging and winking).
Narrator: But when Jack went back to pick up Stephen, he was intercepted by some other British ships.
British General: We don’t have any room so take all of these prisoners!
Jack: But we don’t have any room either!
British General: Sucks for you! Go capture this American ship!
Jack: Fine.
Narrator: Chapter eight. After Jack captured the American ship, he went back to get Stephen.
Jack: Sorry we marooned you for a bit.
Stephen: That’s OK. I went out dancing in this little town. Oh, and I found out that there’s this giant Spanish ship o’ doom out to get you.
Jack: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You went dancing?
Stephen: Yeah, after church. So anyways, this giant Spanish ship o’ doom is like the biggest ship on the planet and has a frillion guns.
Jack: Ha ha, I didn’t know you could dance!
Stephen: DEATH! DESTRUCTION! DOOOOOOOM!
Narrator: So Jack decided to disguise the ship.
Jack: Hah! They’ll never know it’s us in this clever Dutch disguise!
Misc. Crew: It’s the ship o’ doom!
Jack: EVERYONE PRETEND TO BE DUTCH!
Spanish Crew: Hola! We would like to board your ship!
Stephen: Awesome, and bring some plague medicine while you’re at it.
Spanish Crew: Never mind have fun sailing!
Jack: (to Stephen) You win.
Dillon: You didn’t fight I hate you!
Narrator: A little later, in Mahon, Jack and Stephen went to go eat with Mrs. Harte.
Jack: Molly! So, you wanna get out of here?
Molly: Not with you wearing that stupid wig.
Jack: (grumbles)
Molly: Hey, my friend has a son that needs to go to sea.
Jack: So?
Molly: So if you ever want a piece of this again you should find him a place on your ship.
Jack: WELCOME ABOARD! We’re off to Alexandria!
Narrator: Chapter nine.
Stephen: Dear Diary, we didn’t get to walk around Alexandria and see historical stuff because Jack is a meany. In other news, Jack and James Dillon are about to kill each other and everyone is really tense. But the weather’s nice. Love, Stephen.
Misc. Crew: Man overboard!
Jack: Crap my mistress’ friends’ son is dead!
Stephen: Hold on a second.
Mr. Ellis: I live!
Stephen: Because I am just that good.
Jack: Cool!
Mr. Ellis: But there’s this giant French ship that’s chasing us.
Jack: Not cool! Run away!
Narrator: Chapter ten.
Stephen: Dear Diary, Jack decided to make a surprise visit to his mistress, who was “visiting a friend”. Now he’s all upset because she was actually cheating on him, which isn’t that hard to believe, seeing as she’s already been cheating on her husband, so really anyone with half a brain could have figured that out. Molly Harte is a skanky ho. In other news, Jack and James Dillon still want to kill each other. Love, Stephen.
Jack: We’ve got way too many prisoners because we’ve captured way too many boats.
James: The giant Spanish ship o’ doom is coming back.
Jack: Let’s fight!
James: Hooray! Let’s be friends again!
Narrator: And in an exciting battle written out in the most exact of exact nautical detail, the giant Spanish ship o’ doom was taken by the Sophie, a remarkable feat.
Jack: HOW MUCH DO I WIN RIGHT NOW! Now Molly has to take me back!
Narrator: Chapter eleven.
Letter: Dear Admirality, we took over the giant Spanish ship o’ doom that had a frillion guns and was ten times bigger then us. Also, James Dillon died. Love, Jack.
Stephen: Oh James Dillon, how I miss you!
Jack: Wahhhhhhh!
Narrator: And so Jack triumphantly took the giant Spanish ship o’ doom to Mahon.
Letter: Dear Jacky-Poo, meet me the moment you get into port.
Jack: Molly loves me again! And they’re probably going to reward my spectacular capture with an even bigger and better ship! Life is good.
Narrator: Later that night in Jack’s room…
Jack: Molly Harte and I had lots of sex and it was awesome! Hey Mercedes! I brought you some bling in thanks for that tip off you gave us about the Spanish ship o’ doom!
Mercedes: OH MY G-D BLING I LOVE YOU! How does it look?
Jack: You know, I could always do with some more sex.
Narrator: But right at that moment, Jack was interrupted by some guy from some ship saying that Jack had to go eat dinner with the Governor. Meanwhile, Stephen was eating with his friend Mr. Florey.
Mr. Florey: You know, Jack’s kind of screwed.
Stephen: Why?
Mr. Florey: Because the person in charge of his rewards and promotions and stuff is Mr. Harte.
Stephen: CRAP.
Narrator: And meanwhile, everyone else was having dinner.
Richards: Yep, it was all me. I won the whole battle. All my amazing skills as a clerk, which as you know is in fact the most dangerous and swashbuckling of jobs. It was in the heat of battle and the Captain was all “I don’t know what to do!” and I was all “Board the ship sir” and he was all “We never would have won without you! You must be promoted!” But I, being the modest person that I am, said that a simple mention would be enough, but I mean if he insisted… Also, Molly Harte is a skanky ho.
Richards’ Family: Yeah she is!
Narrator: Back on the ship, Jack was in Malta.
Jack: Malta sucks. I don’t feel well.
Stephen: So you know how Molly Harte has been getting around?
Jack: CRAP!
Stephen: It’s OK, I have tons of STD medication because this is the navy and that’s how we navy doctors roll. You also need to go on a diet because you’re fat.
Jack: I’m not fat!
Misc. Crew: Sail ho!
Jack: Oh no, it’s Mr. Harte’s ship.
Mr. Harte: I’m screwing you over big time because you screwed my wife big time. Here, go play mailman.
Jack: It’s not fair!!! Mr. Harte sucks!!
Stephen: It’s not fair!!!! Mr. Harte sucks!!
Sophie Crew: It’s not fair!!!! Mr. Harte sucks!! AND three French ships are coming!
Jack: Run away! Throw everything overboard!
French: Bonjour!
Jack: We surrender.
Narrator: Chapter Twelve, in which an exciting naval battle happens between the French ships and some English ships, leaving Jack and everyone else at Gibraltar to wait for an even more exciting battle. Jack was rather upset at losing the Sophie, and his impending court martial for said loss, so he went to talk to Stephen.
Jack: I’ve lost my ship! I have a court martial! My life sucks! What should I do?!?
Stephen: Eat little and go for lots of hikes, you’re-
Jack: ALL RIGHT I’M FAT I GET IT OK?!?!
Stephen: No seriously, you’re like, morbidly obese. As a doctor I’m telling you, you really need to lose some weight. (exits)
Jack: I’m just gonna sit up here on this rock and write emo poetry.
Mr. Mowett: Hey Captain! Can I sit with you? I brought cake!
Jack: I love cake!
Mr. Mowett: Hey is that the Battle of Gibraltar getting ready to start?
Jack: I HAVE TO GET STEPHEN!
(Stephen runs in)
Stephen: I heard the Battle of Gibraltar is about to happen!
Jack: We’ve got front row seats on this convenient cliff!
Stephen: How exciting!
Narrator: Jack and Stephen sat all night under the stars watching the oh so exciting battle ensue, and were oh so excited when the English won, except for the part where Jack then had his court martial.
Judge: So what exactly happened?
Jack: Three ginormous ships took down my tiny little ship that isn’t actually even a ship, it’s a sloop.
Judge: OK, you’re acquitted. Welcome back to the navy!
Jack: Woo hoo!
Narrator: And they lived happily ever after for twenty books. The end.
I made this a couple of years ago when I first read Master and Commander. It's not quite where I want it to be so perhaps you guys will have some suggestions. Someday I'll make ones for the rest of the series (unless this is total crap of course, and if so please let me know).
Probably rated PG-13 for language? Spoilers for Master and Commander.
Master and Commander (Abridged)
By Katy
Narrator: Master and Commander, by Patrick O’Brian. Chapter one. Jack Aubrey is sitting in the Governor’s House at Port Mahon listening to a music concert. He’s tall, buff, and manly with lovely flowing yellow hair, in the manliest of manly ways of course.
Jack (conducting along with the music): Splendid concert, absolutely splendid.
Stephen: Umm, could you like, not do that? Thanks.
Jack: I’ll conduct if I wanna conduct.
Stephen: You’re half a beat ahead and it’s really annoying.
Jack: Your mom’s half a beat ahead!
Stephen: Bring it!
Narrator: And that’s how Jack met Stephen Maturin. He was still angry when he went back to his room at an inn and found a letter waiting for him.
Letter: Dear Jack, Congratulations! You’re Captain of the Sophie! Love, Admiral Thos Walker.
Jack: I WIN AT LIFE!! I should go shopping!
Person: Have an epaulette!
Jack: (singing) My epaulette brings all the girls to the yard…
Narrator: The next morning, Jack ran into Stephen.
Jack: Hey Stephen! Guess what, I’m Captain!
Stephen: That’s awesome! Let’s be BFF’s!
Jack: OK!
Narrator: And thus the greatest friendship in the history of great friendships was born. In other news, Jack finds out that all of the good people on the Sophie are leaving the ship, and he is entirely without a competent set of officers. He also goes to examine his brand new shiney ship.
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is the ship.
Jack: It’s vintage!
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is the crew.
Jack: They look nice!
Misc. Crew Guy: And here is your cabin.
Jack: Wow cool!
Narrator: Chapter two. Jack and Stephen are having dinner and discussing stuff.
Stephen: I know everything ever!
Jack: I fail at Spanish!
Stephen: Careful, if you keep eating like that you’re going to get fat.
Jack: Psh, nah. So how do you know everything ever?
Stephen: I just happen to be a doctor years ahead of my time. And a naturalist.
Jack: Oh my G-d, I have this new ship and we totally need a doctor.
Stephen: Awesome, despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing about you and you could be a complete loony that will get me blown up, I think I’ll join your crew as your official doctor and BFF. I also know nothing about boats or ships or anything remotely nautical.
Narrator: The next day, Jack went off to conduct business on the Sophie, and Stephen stared at bugs for a while.
Stephen: Ants are fun!
Narrator: Jack met up with his new lieutenant James Dillon, and did some nautical stuff. And then they took the ship out for a test drive and got some new crew members and did more nautical stuff. And then they got Stephen and his cello on board.
Stephen: I know this is the Royal Navy and all, and meant for war, but I thought we could make some time for duets.
Jack: I’ll just dust off my fiddle and we can play to our hearts content.
Letter: Captain Jack Aubrey, you have to babysit a bunch of merchant ships as they sail somewhere.
Jack: Sir yes sir!
Narrator: Chapter three. It’s morning on the Sophie, out at sea.
Jack: Good morning Stephen. What do you want for breakfast? We have lots of greasy meats and stuff.
Stephen: No seriously, you’re really gonna get fat if you keep eating like that.
Jack: Oh you doctors and your diet tips. I would now like to assemble the entire crew and read out the Articles of War!
Crew: OK!
Jack: The Articles of War: Anyone having any sort of fun or doing anything at all other then firing canons at the French and the Spanish will be hung.
Crew: Hooray.
Jack: Mr. Mowett, why don’t you give Stephen a tour of the ship and describe every sail and every deck in exact dimensions and details?
Stephen: Sounds like fun!
Mr. Mowett: Sure. Blah blah blah, nautical gibberish, nautical gibberish, blah blah blah.
Stephen: How fascinating, do go on for a few more pages.
Mr. Mowett: Blah blah blah, more nautical gibberish, more nautical gibberish, blah blah blah.
Narrator: Later that evening at dinner…
Jack: So tell us Mr. Dillon, weren’t you heroically heroic in that battle that one time?
Dillon: Oh I don’t like to talk about it.
Jack: Nonsense, why don’t you tell the whole story in precise nautical detail?
Dillon: Well if you insist. We were on these ships and then there were these pirates and then I started directing stuff because the Captain was somewhere else or something, and then we demolished the pirates and I was a war hero and it was really exciting. All me. Yup, me. I should have been made Captain of a ship for it.
Jack: That’s funny, because I never did anything nearly as heroic and here I am, Captain of a ship. Isn’t that funny?
Dillon: Hilarious.
Narrator: And even later that night…
Jack: Hey, check out this letter.
Letter: Dear Admirality, one of my crew members committed sodomy on a goat and needs to be court marshaled. Love, Jack.
Stephen: That’s funny that they always go on about sodomy when like half of the judges and stuff are doing even worse. What’s gonna happen to him?
Jack: He’ll be hung. Terribly boring. And the goat will be killed.
Stephen: Can’t you just maroon him? And the goat? Maybe on different islands just to be safe?
Jack: Not really. Tea?
Stephen: Yes please.
Jack: Milk?
Stephen: Goats milk?
Jack: …
Narrator: Chapter four. It’s now the morning and Jack has decided to see how good people are at firing the canons.
Crew: Where are we going what are we doing what’s going on ahhh!!
Jack: Wow… Ummm… Fire the guns?
Crew: We are so confused!!
Jack: How long did that take?
Mr. Mowett: A million years.
Jack: We lose.
Narrator: A little later…
Stephen: Hey Jack, why are those two ships so close together?
Jack: PIRATES!!!!!
Narrator: An exciting battle ensued, described in the exactest of exact nautical terms.
Jack: We win! I’m rich!
Misc. Crew: No you don’t, there’s some Norwegians that were hiding, they can have their ship back now.
Jack: OY!!
Narrator: So Jack got all the ships safely to wherever they were going, and received some exciting news.
Jack: We’re going on a cruise!
Stephen: A Carnival cruise?
Jack: No silly, a Royal Navy cruise. And when I say cruise I really mean sail up and down Spain and capture random French and Spanish ships.
Stephen: Ohhhhhhhhhh.
Narrator: Chapter five. The Sophie is sailing along and spies a ship on the horizon.
Misc. Crew: Sail ho!
Narrator: But it’s really far away, so Jack stares at it for hours on end, even in the rain.
Stephen: You put on a coat right now before you catch your death of cold!
Jack: Yes mom. Hey the ship is getting closer… and closer… it’s French!
French Ship: Bonjour! We surrender!
Jack: How much do I rock right now!
Narrator: The Sophie may or may not have captured some more ships, but what’s important is that Stephen and James Dillon knew each other way back when in Ireland during the revolution.
James: Do you remember the super secret password?
Stephen: Of course!
James: Do you remember all of these people that died?
Stephen: Yeah, they were idiots. I told them not to do anything but nooooo, nobody listens to me.
James: Do you know that I’m Catholic?
Stephen: No way!
James: And I think our Captain’s kind of a crazy person.
Stephen: I see. (exits)
James: Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Of course, I probably shouldn’t have had that ninety seventh bottle of wine either.
Narrator: Chapter six. Back in Mahon, the Sophie was being repaired.
Stephen: Dear Diary, James Dillon is a Catholic. He also doesn’t like my BFF, but I’m sure that’ll change. Love, Stephen.
Jack: Hi Stephen! Let’s go to a party! Oh my G-d do not tell me you are wearing blue stockings.
Stephen: But I don’t wanna wear silk ones!
Jack: You’ll wear silk and like it or I’m not being seen in public with you!
Stephen: You just don’t want to look stupid in front of Mrs. Harte.
Snake: What up.
Jack: OH MY G-D SNAKE KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!!
Stephen: Hey I found my silk stockings! But they have a hole in them, is that OK?
Jack: OH MY G-D IS IT POISONOUS!
Stephen: It’s the deadliest snake ever. Do you think if I put some other stockings under these ones people would notice the hole?
Jack: IT’S THE BIGGEST SNAKE IN THE WORLD!
Stephen: Chill it’s not poisonous!
Jack: Then what were you panicking about?
Narrator: At the party, Jack got drunk and made a fool out of himself.
Mrs. Harte: Please take your friend home.
Stephen: (to Jack) I can’t take you anywhere.
Narrator: So they went back to the ship.
Jack: So, how’s the crew?
Misc. Crew: They all got drunk and made fools of themselves.
Jack: Time to set sail! I think it’s a good time to have some men flogged for being drunk. That way they’ll never do it again ever.
Stephen: (dryly) How humane.
Misc. Crew: Look what we found!
Stephen: HOLY CRAP A REMORA!
Misc. Crew: The stupid thing was holding the ship back but now it’ll go really fast!
Stephen: Don’t tease my remora!!! (to the remora) Come on fishie, we’re too cool for these losers anyways. (calling back to the crew) And a nine inch fish can’t hold a whole ship back!
Ship: Freeeeeeeeeee!!
Narrator: Chapter seven. The Sophie ends up at Cape Nao, and everyone practices firing the canons some more. Suddenly…
Misc. Crew: Sails ho!
Narrator: … Some ships appeared!
Misc. Crew: It’s five ships sir!
Jack: Yessssssss! Attack!
First ship: Bonjour! We surrender!
Jack: That was easy.
Third ship: Later playas!
Jack: I need some coffee.
Stephen: Jack! Jack! I have some horrible news!
Jack: How are the wounded?
Stephen: Screw the wounded, some one drank the spirits I was preserving my gross dead things in!
Jack: No really, how are the wounded?
Stephen: Fine! Everyone’s fine! Wanna know who’s not fine? Me! Because they drank my spirits!
Jack: Seriously? No dead?
Stephen: Some one’s gonna be dead if I don’t get my spirits back!
Jack: I know, why don’t you have breakfast with me! That’ll make it better.
Stephen: I hate you.
Narrator: Later that day…
Dillon: I captured another ship!
Jack: Awesome, let’s go blow stuff up!
Dillon: OK!
Jack: Stephen made this handy dandy map of a Spanish battery we can blow up. We’ll go in, we’ll go out, should take no more than ten minutes!
Stephen: Make it twenty ‘cause you’re fat.
Jack: I’m not fat!
Narrator: So Jack, who was pretty fat-
Jack: Hey!
Narrator: Umm, portly, attacked this random little town and blew up this store of all this gunpowder and stuff and really really pissed off the Spanish.
Jack: I hate writing official reports.
Letter: Dear Admirality, I blew up some Spanish stuff and it was fun. Love, Jack.
Stephen: I guess that’s a bit clearer then the last four letters you wrote, but you should probably spell stuff right.
Jack: I’ve invented new words!
Narrator: The Sophie went back to Mahon, where everyone was jealous that Jack was winning at life and they weren’t. Then they went back to sea again for some more kicking of French and Spanish behind.
Stephen: Mind dropping me off at this random island for a bit? I’ve got a friend that lives there.
Jack: Ohhhh, riiiiiight, a “friend”. (nudging and winking).
Narrator: But when Jack went back to pick up Stephen, he was intercepted by some other British ships.
British General: We don’t have any room so take all of these prisoners!
Jack: But we don’t have any room either!
British General: Sucks for you! Go capture this American ship!
Jack: Fine.
Narrator: Chapter eight. After Jack captured the American ship, he went back to get Stephen.
Jack: Sorry we marooned you for a bit.
Stephen: That’s OK. I went out dancing in this little town. Oh, and I found out that there’s this giant Spanish ship o’ doom out to get you.
Jack: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You went dancing?
Stephen: Yeah, after church. So anyways, this giant Spanish ship o’ doom is like the biggest ship on the planet and has a frillion guns.
Jack: Ha ha, I didn’t know you could dance!
Stephen: DEATH! DESTRUCTION! DOOOOOOOM!
Narrator: So Jack decided to disguise the ship.
Jack: Hah! They’ll never know it’s us in this clever Dutch disguise!
Misc. Crew: It’s the ship o’ doom!
Jack: EVERYONE PRETEND TO BE DUTCH!
Spanish Crew: Hola! We would like to board your ship!
Stephen: Awesome, and bring some plague medicine while you’re at it.
Spanish Crew: Never mind have fun sailing!
Jack: (to Stephen) You win.
Dillon: You didn’t fight I hate you!
Narrator: A little later, in Mahon, Jack and Stephen went to go eat with Mrs. Harte.
Jack: Molly! So, you wanna get out of here?
Molly: Not with you wearing that stupid wig.
Jack: (grumbles)
Molly: Hey, my friend has a son that needs to go to sea.
Jack: So?
Molly: So if you ever want a piece of this again you should find him a place on your ship.
Jack: WELCOME ABOARD! We’re off to Alexandria!
Narrator: Chapter nine.
Stephen: Dear Diary, we didn’t get to walk around Alexandria and see historical stuff because Jack is a meany. In other news, Jack and James Dillon are about to kill each other and everyone is really tense. But the weather’s nice. Love, Stephen.
Misc. Crew: Man overboard!
Jack: Crap my mistress’ friends’ son is dead!
Stephen: Hold on a second.
Mr. Ellis: I live!
Stephen: Because I am just that good.
Jack: Cool!
Mr. Ellis: But there’s this giant French ship that’s chasing us.
Jack: Not cool! Run away!
Narrator: Chapter ten.
Stephen: Dear Diary, Jack decided to make a surprise visit to his mistress, who was “visiting a friend”. Now he’s all upset because she was actually cheating on him, which isn’t that hard to believe, seeing as she’s already been cheating on her husband, so really anyone with half a brain could have figured that out. Molly Harte is a skanky ho. In other news, Jack and James Dillon still want to kill each other. Love, Stephen.
Jack: We’ve got way too many prisoners because we’ve captured way too many boats.
James: The giant Spanish ship o’ doom is coming back.
Jack: Let’s fight!
James: Hooray! Let’s be friends again!
Narrator: And in an exciting battle written out in the most exact of exact nautical detail, the giant Spanish ship o’ doom was taken by the Sophie, a remarkable feat.
Jack: HOW MUCH DO I WIN RIGHT NOW! Now Molly has to take me back!
Narrator: Chapter eleven.
Letter: Dear Admirality, we took over the giant Spanish ship o’ doom that had a frillion guns and was ten times bigger then us. Also, James Dillon died. Love, Jack.
Stephen: Oh James Dillon, how I miss you!
Jack: Wahhhhhhh!
Narrator: And so Jack triumphantly took the giant Spanish ship o’ doom to Mahon.
Letter: Dear Jacky-Poo, meet me the moment you get into port.
Jack: Molly loves me again! And they’re probably going to reward my spectacular capture with an even bigger and better ship! Life is good.
Narrator: Later that night in Jack’s room…
Jack: Molly Harte and I had lots of sex and it was awesome! Hey Mercedes! I brought you some bling in thanks for that tip off you gave us about the Spanish ship o’ doom!
Mercedes: OH MY G-D BLING I LOVE YOU! How does it look?
Jack: You know, I could always do with some more sex.
Narrator: But right at that moment, Jack was interrupted by some guy from some ship saying that Jack had to go eat dinner with the Governor. Meanwhile, Stephen was eating with his friend Mr. Florey.
Mr. Florey: You know, Jack’s kind of screwed.
Stephen: Why?
Mr. Florey: Because the person in charge of his rewards and promotions and stuff is Mr. Harte.
Stephen: CRAP.
Narrator: And meanwhile, everyone else was having dinner.
Richards: Yep, it was all me. I won the whole battle. All my amazing skills as a clerk, which as you know is in fact the most dangerous and swashbuckling of jobs. It was in the heat of battle and the Captain was all “I don’t know what to do!” and I was all “Board the ship sir” and he was all “We never would have won without you! You must be promoted!” But I, being the modest person that I am, said that a simple mention would be enough, but I mean if he insisted… Also, Molly Harte is a skanky ho.
Richards’ Family: Yeah she is!
Narrator: Back on the ship, Jack was in Malta.
Jack: Malta sucks. I don’t feel well.
Stephen: So you know how Molly Harte has been getting around?
Jack: CRAP!
Stephen: It’s OK, I have tons of STD medication because this is the navy and that’s how we navy doctors roll. You also need to go on a diet because you’re fat.
Jack: I’m not fat!
Misc. Crew: Sail ho!
Jack: Oh no, it’s Mr. Harte’s ship.
Mr. Harte: I’m screwing you over big time because you screwed my wife big time. Here, go play mailman.
Jack: It’s not fair!!! Mr. Harte sucks!!
Stephen: It’s not fair!!!! Mr. Harte sucks!!
Sophie Crew: It’s not fair!!!! Mr. Harte sucks!! AND three French ships are coming!
Jack: Run away! Throw everything overboard!
French: Bonjour!
Jack: We surrender.
Narrator: Chapter Twelve, in which an exciting naval battle happens between the French ships and some English ships, leaving Jack and everyone else at Gibraltar to wait for an even more exciting battle. Jack was rather upset at losing the Sophie, and his impending court martial for said loss, so he went to talk to Stephen.
Jack: I’ve lost my ship! I have a court martial! My life sucks! What should I do?!?
Stephen: Eat little and go for lots of hikes, you’re-
Jack: ALL RIGHT I’M FAT I GET IT OK?!?!
Stephen: No seriously, you’re like, morbidly obese. As a doctor I’m telling you, you really need to lose some weight. (exits)
Jack: I’m just gonna sit up here on this rock and write emo poetry.
Mr. Mowett: Hey Captain! Can I sit with you? I brought cake!
Jack: I love cake!
Mr. Mowett: Hey is that the Battle of Gibraltar getting ready to start?
Jack: I HAVE TO GET STEPHEN!
(Stephen runs in)
Stephen: I heard the Battle of Gibraltar is about to happen!
Jack: We’ve got front row seats on this convenient cliff!
Stephen: How exciting!
Narrator: Jack and Stephen sat all night under the stars watching the oh so exciting battle ensue, and were oh so excited when the English won, except for the part where Jack then had his court martial.
Judge: So what exactly happened?
Jack: Three ginormous ships took down my tiny little ship that isn’t actually even a ship, it’s a sloop.
Judge: OK, you’re acquitted. Welcome back to the navy!
Jack: Woo hoo!
Narrator: And they lived happily ever after for twenty books. The end.