changin'
We were talking yesterday about change and growth and I've been thinking a lot about it today. I'm thinking about what ways I've really felt like I've changed and is it for the good or the bad?
I think I've learned to let a lot of things go. I had such a low self-esteem growing up that every little thing could just break my heart. And I felt like I had a lot less than I really did, so I clung to things that weren't necessarily healthy. It took my heart actually breaking to realize that the cliche is true. Life is simply too short to spend it worrying and upset. I've realized that the things in my life that I feel are constant, are in fact constant. Christopher Rubeo is constant. Forrest Smith is constant. The things I truly love in life are constant. So there's no use in worrying when something leaves if I need it to come back. If it should, it will.
I think I've learned how to truly love someone. Not to say that I can maintain a successful relationship because clearly that wouldn't be true. But I think I know how to identify when I would honestly give my heart to someone else. It hasn't happened often...not even a few times. But I've learned that when it does come around it's worth fighting for. Not all friendships are best friendships and that's just fine. It makes the ones that are even more worthwhile. And not all crushes are worth heartbreak, because once you've had it for real you know never to add on anymore.
I think I've learned to lessen regret. I don't think anyone ever truly gives up regretting certain things. But I've taken the time to think about the things in my life that I feel are mainly negative experiences and see what positives have come from them. I lost an incredibly important friendship but I gained some self-perspective and peace of mind. I lost a potential relationship that to this day means more to me than I ever thought it would, but this year in between has given me a chance to truly grow up. I'm in no way done growing, but I've come really far in just a year.
I know I've learned about the power of words and how much lying is unnecessary. After all the negative things that have happened in the past year I've just stopped lying almost completely. I've come to learn that once you eliminate all the falsehoods in your daily life, the people you keep close begin to eliminate them too. And if they don't, it's a lot easier to tell that they aren't who you think they are. My friendships are fewer but they're certainly truer and stronger. And once again the people I love the most have stuck around.
There have been a lot of deaths in the past couple years of young, bright kids who mattered to me. And it just keeps on coming. When Chrissy died I ended a ridiculous four year long feud with someone who I know to be a good guy. I also regained a relationship with someone I care so much about. With each of these tragedies I'm just constantly reminded that the people I know can go so quickly. I want to be able to have said what I need them to hear, which is why I feel like some battles are worth fighting.
And I think I've learned that even when someone hurts you, you'll know deep down if they're worth your time. Sometimes when someone hurts you, it lasts for so long, not because they were awful, but because you care so much about them. If after a year it's still on my mind almost everyday, it has to mean it was important to me. I wish I could explain how I know that this is worth going out on a very fragile limb for, but I can't. I just know. And maybe that says more than any true explanation ever could.
Everyday I'm growing and while this livejournal entry is more of a list for myself than anything else, it's a written record of something I've learned to say. I'm proud of myself for changing and for taking in new experiences. I'm proud that I came to a new environment with new goals and new people and still have managed to grow in a positive way. And while some people don't think it's too smart, I'm proud that I'm fighting for what I think is worthwhile no matter how it may seem on the outside. It's not returning back to the same old and broken routine if I'm not the same person anymore. That's what I've learned.
I think I've learned to let a lot of things go. I had such a low self-esteem growing up that every little thing could just break my heart. And I felt like I had a lot less than I really did, so I clung to things that weren't necessarily healthy. It took my heart actually breaking to realize that the cliche is true. Life is simply too short to spend it worrying and upset. I've realized that the things in my life that I feel are constant, are in fact constant. Christopher Rubeo is constant. Forrest Smith is constant. The things I truly love in life are constant. So there's no use in worrying when something leaves if I need it to come back. If it should, it will.
I think I've learned how to truly love someone. Not to say that I can maintain a successful relationship because clearly that wouldn't be true. But I think I know how to identify when I would honestly give my heart to someone else. It hasn't happened often...not even a few times. But I've learned that when it does come around it's worth fighting for. Not all friendships are best friendships and that's just fine. It makes the ones that are even more worthwhile. And not all crushes are worth heartbreak, because once you've had it for real you know never to add on anymore.
I think I've learned to lessen regret. I don't think anyone ever truly gives up regretting certain things. But I've taken the time to think about the things in my life that I feel are mainly negative experiences and see what positives have come from them. I lost an incredibly important friendship but I gained some self-perspective and peace of mind. I lost a potential relationship that to this day means more to me than I ever thought it would, but this year in between has given me a chance to truly grow up. I'm in no way done growing, but I've come really far in just a year.
I know I've learned about the power of words and how much lying is unnecessary. After all the negative things that have happened in the past year I've just stopped lying almost completely. I've come to learn that once you eliminate all the falsehoods in your daily life, the people you keep close begin to eliminate them too. And if they don't, it's a lot easier to tell that they aren't who you think they are. My friendships are fewer but they're certainly truer and stronger. And once again the people I love the most have stuck around.
There have been a lot of deaths in the past couple years of young, bright kids who mattered to me. And it just keeps on coming. When Chrissy died I ended a ridiculous four year long feud with someone who I know to be a good guy. I also regained a relationship with someone I care so much about. With each of these tragedies I'm just constantly reminded that the people I know can go so quickly. I want to be able to have said what I need them to hear, which is why I feel like some battles are worth fighting.
And I think I've learned that even when someone hurts you, you'll know deep down if they're worth your time. Sometimes when someone hurts you, it lasts for so long, not because they were awful, but because you care so much about them. If after a year it's still on my mind almost everyday, it has to mean it was important to me. I wish I could explain how I know that this is worth going out on a very fragile limb for, but I can't. I just know. And maybe that says more than any true explanation ever could.
Everyday I'm growing and while this livejournal entry is more of a list for myself than anything else, it's a written record of something I've learned to say. I'm proud of myself for changing and for taking in new experiences. I'm proud that I came to a new environment with new goals and new people and still have managed to grow in a positive way. And while some people don't think it's too smart, I'm proud that I'm fighting for what I think is worthwhile no matter how it may seem on the outside. It's not returning back to the same old and broken routine if I'm not the same person anymore. That's what I've learned.