New Rambles of a Troubled Heart
What if...
What if you've been single for so long that you don't even know how to be with someone romantically?
What if you're so used to being alone that you don't know how to process the mechanisms of relationships?
What if the mere thought of being committed to someone suffocates you?
But what if, despite your independent lifestyle, you still yearn the comfort of someone's embrace?
Such contradiction has caused quite a stir in my heart.
I want companionship but not the deprivation of my freedom.
I seek affection but the very idea of having someone break down my walls terrifies me to my very core.
I chase after love but I run away from the very source of its existence.
It's not that I have commitment phobia or anything like that.
It's not also about being afraid to be in pain or to get hurt.
Believe me, it would've been all too easy if I was just afraid.
But unfortunately that's not the case.
Pain, I am used to that; Loneliness, I walk with it everyday.
Both I'm so used to have that I even consider it normal to have and hold.
But happiness? Such an addicting and fleeting emotion.
I fear it for I don't want to be dependent on it.
I am terrified of its addicting nature.
Truth be told, I am just not the type to need people because I don't ever want to depend on anyone, knowing that anyone can and will likely let you down.
Everyone eventually leaves me, whether they intend it or not.
It's not ideal but it's just how things function in my life.
That's why I cannot stress enough the difference between need and want.
I don't need people because I can do everything by myself.
I've been doing great for the past few years of existence on my own.
So I can easily state that I'm not the type that needs someone.
Needing connotes dependence and I do not want to depend on anyone.
To depend is to be a burden to others; obviously the reason why I chose to be independent is to avoid this to ever happen.
As morbid as this may sound but I'd rather die than be a burden to anyone.
I just feel so useless and might become a dead weight to the unfortunate soul who was assigned to care for me
That's actually the reason why I don't want to be in a relationship.
I can't bear the thought that someone would have to suffer because being with me would be more like a life sentence to community service than be in an actual relationship.
Such is the life fully functioning crazy woman in her late 20s.
As much as I want to be happy in the company of others, I find them all too predictable and draining to say the least.
If I were to have a checklist on what a dream guy would be, it would be filled more of what he has to offer than the looks or his credentials.
I want authenticity rather than walking bio data.
He has to be able to keep up with me, all throughout my wide spectrum of emotional roller coasters.
He has to be incredibly understanding because my bipolar tendencies can take over anytime anywhere.
He has to be the rock in the relationship because I admit that I will never be stable enough to even make the simplest decisions.
I'm not asking to be put on a pedestal and be worshiped like a goddess.
Nor am I asking to be spoiled rotten and be adorned with the finest jewels.
All I ask is to be accepted and loved for me, not for my credentials nor for my connections, but for my imperfections and little quirks.