Deny to the Core
I'm not saying that I love you or anything. To say that means admitting defeat. And I never want to lose to these frivolous annoyances called feelings. Since it's pretty obvious that you don't feel the same way, I guess the best route for me is to deny till it dies out.
So since I would never admit into accepting these feelings, I would just apologize for its existence. I'm sorry for feeling this way for you. Forgive me for hoping for us to be more than friends. I apologize for possibly causing you confusion and awkwardness. But most of all, I am sorry for being unable to quit you.
Don't worry your sweet sweet heart, you are not one to blame. You never intended to make me feel this way. You never wanted to ever hurt me in any way. I know and feel that you value me, which unfortunately made me fall for you even more. I know it's never your fault that I would ever feel this way towards you. All you wanted is for you to be there for me when I need you most, but only as a friend.
Friend. A word that binds relationships among fellow living beings. A beautiful word that ties souls for the a span of a lifetime. Who would ever think that such a word could also break hearts?
To be someone's friend is a privilege of the tallest order. Not everyone wants your company. Not everyone cares for you like how friends do. Not everyone will understand you like how your friends do. Not everyone would be as patient with you like your friends.
Friendship provides support, understanding, camaraderie and loyalty that other bonded relationships could not provide. This is why one must always value friendship above all for friends are family that chose to stick by us no matter how high the waves may rise and how the tides may get. But then again, I may have to stress the word "friend" until I get it in my head that that's all I'll ever be to you.
As a friend, I can do a lot to help you and stay by your side. You will freely accept my offer to help you out. I can remain by your side when all you'll need is a shoulder to cry on. I can do all these and more if I remain as a friend.
But as someone who fell for you? I could barely move without having the feelings of nervousness and awkwardness rise up the surface and take over to ruin the moment. I won't be able to talk to you about everything under sun as freely as I used to do before. I won't be able to hold your hand and lean on your back when I'm spiraling down into a dark pit of despair. I won't be able to give you random gifts that will make you smile and grin. I would never be able to see and experience your sweet little happy moments if ever you'll find out what I feel about you.
I never want to lose the chance to see that sweet smile of yours again. Never would I trade something as uncertain as love for I am willing to suffer in silence and kill my heart in the process in order to save and protect our friendship and closeness. For I would do anything and everything to just to protect something as important as our friendship, even if it meant I would be dying inside.
But let's just press rewind and evaluate. You didn't do anything special and yet you've conquered a near impossible task: you have captured and somehow brought the beatings of my dead cold heart. I don't know if I should applaud you to achieving such a difficult task or if I should smack the back of your head because I'm supposed to be angry at you for making me feel this insane. But everyone knows that I would never lay a finger on you nor plot anything to cause harm on you.
If I could take that hurt in your heart so that you can move on from the past and start living in the present for a brighter future, you know I would. I may not know the details of what may have happened in the past, which hinders you from accepting love now and in the future, but that never stopped my heart for feeling such things towards you.
I know I should never say this because it's against my principles but I just have to say that a really strong part of me wants to stay by your side no matter how much it will slowly inside. To the point where there would be nothing left but a black hole in place of my useless confused heart. I just want to smash all my feelings in a ball and throw it in a pitch black spiraling pit of despair. This way, by dismissing my feelings I can still talk to you and show my support fully without you awkwardly refusing my help.
Yet there is a small but inevitable part of me that wants to run up to you, wrap my arms around you and hold you tight like there's no tomorrow. I want to scream and shout out to the world, unashamed of what I feel for you. Profess, confess, declare my love to you in every way possible, that way you would get my declaration as clear and precise as possible. But let's get back to reality and wake up, shall we?
In reality, I am just someone you chat with occasionally about random stuff under the sun. I'm just someone who's just there, ready whenever you need me. For me, I feel like my existence and chance to remain by your side depends on my usefulness for you because I feel once I become useless, you'd toss me to the side and forget I ever existed. I know you're not the kind of guy to do that to anyone. But my fear of abandonment and rejection is just too strong to deny.
So since I can't deny the fact that I can't bear losing you, I'll just start denying my feelings for you. I'd rather lose my heart than you lose you.