(no subject)
I feel like I’m doing that whole going insane thing again. I’ve been waking up on the hour with dreams… the last one, and the one I can remember most clearly, was talking of severity levels of falling buildings, whether they went from the bottom or the top. I kept seeing T1’s, ones that fell from the bottom and were the worst. I may have been in one.
But I lay in my bed and sob just a little bit, because I feel so desparately lonely. Who can I call at 7 in the morning? Who can make me feel better now… instead of promising to later? How fair are these feelings to the friends that I do have?
I wake up alone, and I can’t deny the feelings of absolute isolation that I have. My brain won’t stop thinking of the friendships that I have, and how… I just want more. I’m tired of hanging out with one person at a time. I want to get out into the world and have fun. But I know so few people that even do that, and if they do, they’re so often unavailable.
I want the big group of friends that I see my boyfriend having, and Steve having, and it hurts so badly that I don’t and never have and possibly never will have it. I don’t really want to think about that right now, the fact that it might never happen… but neither can I just close my eyes and think happy thoughts.
I want to just stop being so close to the fire all the time. Seeing them all together… god, what’s wrong with me, what did I do wrong, what’s so fucked up in other people that I am denied that? What’s so basicly lacking in me as a person that no one wants me around in a group? Why am I so unneeded by the world?
The sad conclusion I come back to is that there isn’t anything wrong with me. And there isn’t anything wrong with other people. So either I am just doomed to never have what I want based solely on circumstance or “fate” or everything I’ve said just is incorrect and I can’t see that I’m insane.
I don’t know what I can do right now except lament my social lifelessness and act emo, since I wake up so many mornings feeling trapped and bored. And alone. I want to get up and run out of this house right now, I just don’t want to be stuck in here, without another soul around, anymore.
It’s such a hard transition for me, to go from there never seeming to be people gone (Cory’s house) back to mine where my mother is for awhile but she’s never there when I wake up in the morning.
I want people to notice when I’m not there. I want someone to care if they haven’t seen me in awhile. But what I want more than this, because I have to admit that people do care, are people who will actually go out of their way to see me. I mean, it’s like this. Tonight, after Cory got off of work, he went home and a lot of his friends were already over at his house. They were already there, waiting for him. He doesn’t even realize how good he has it, how lucky he is. I would consider homicide to have the same, to have the kind of friends that all hang out together and know that they’ll be together in the future. Cory never has to worry about a damn thing. And in some ways, I feel like I’m taking him away from his friends when he is there. And that’s really unfair to me. I also know that he’ll be taken care of, that he’ll never be lonely, when I’m gone. He always has someone to turn to, someone to spend time with, when I’m not there. And if I’m never there again, he’ll be fine. There will always be someone there for him, for the rest of his life. He’ll never have to worry about going for days without seeing another soul other than his mother, or wondering if he’ll even have friends in the future. Or rather, the same friends that he has now. It’ll never be a worry for him, nothing to be concerned about. Like I’ve already said several times but need to say again, he has people to take care of him. That go out of their way to see him and speak to him… he has people who care and will be there for him for the rest of his life. He has that security. I have none of it. I know so few people who actually care enough to get their ass out of their house and come to mine, let alone people that I am sure will be around for me in the future. And I know that my friends aren’t that bad, that some of them are like that, and really wonderful, it’s just that I need more of that. It’s just that when I compare my life to his, it’s so empty, so devoid of true, deep friendship that I can experience 9 out of 10 days. It’s so devoid of life sometimes…
I do sacrifice time with my own friends, I sacrifice my own social life to be around his friends that I don’t even get along with most of the time. And he does nothing of that. Since it’s always me going up there, he can still hang out with his friends whenever he wants, or they can come over unexpectedly whenever they want. It’s driving me fucking nuts. Always seeing what I don’t and seemingly can’t have.
How am I supposed to live like this? When it bothers me so much that I don’t want to go back to his house. It’s just another place of torture, where I hang out with his family instead of my own, and for what? To feel awkward and left out most of the time? If I break up with Cory, that’ll be the last time I ever see them. They’ll never make any efforts to say hi or keep in any kind of contact. I feel like I’m wasting my time.
All I want is more friends, to be with and just live with. I want people I can be comfortable around, that I can feel better around, that I can make feel better when they’re around me. Goddammit, why do I have to be alone all the time? Why will there never be anyone waiting at my house to be with me?
I don’t want it anymore! I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE! CAPS LOCK OF DOOM! I can’t completely take myself seriously when I cry like a child because I’m lonely… Although it does feel a little good to get that out of my system…
I just don’t want to live like this anymore. Feeling bored, like I’m getting nothing done, and coming home to an empty house, everyday. I wonder if going to Cory’s for half the week and feeling empty in his home is just… me trying to distract myself from the fact that I am still alone. That I’m not making any real or deep connections with anyone over there. That it will all be for nothing once Cory isn’t in my life. All of my suffering, all of my trying to get along with them and feeling like shy crap most of the time… Would any of them ever want me around again, if I’m not ‘Cory’s girlfriend’? Am I respected at all on my own merits? Nope. No one ever asks me to hang out. And Steve, I’m not including you in this because you truly are my friend and so I don’t count you as part of ‘Cory’s group’, okay? Although Jesse does send me a message once in awhile and that’s kind of nice.
So, god, what am I to do to fix this? How am I supposed to live my life when I’m always trapped… and how the hell am I supposed to live a life I have no idea how to get or where, when it seems that all my trying to talk to people at school gets me nowhere. I try so fucking hard every day to come out of my shell and make new friends, but I keep getting nowhere. What the hell is wrong with people there? It’s fucking college, it’s okay to talk to quiet people and if you get along with them go eat lunch outside the school.
I’m so sick of failing. I’m so sick of feeling like I don’t have what I want and I can’t get what I want. I don’t want it all to be a mystery anymore. I want to get out there and get my life.
But can I do that doing what I am today? Or do a lot of things have to change? Do I have to change, more than I am, and try harder than I have been?
In a lot of ways it seems silly to me, to have to try so hard for something so simple, something that should be freely given. I shouldn’t have to contort myself into the system, just to be part of a goddamn group and appreciated, but it seems that’s the only solution I have at the moment.
Why can’t I have something that everybody else has? Why am I being denied it? Just how many babies did I eat in a past life? Sometimes I just want to sleep forever and live a rich and full life in my dreams, the only way it even seems possible for me.
If nothing else, I hope never to feel despair again…
But I lay in my bed and sob just a little bit, because I feel so desparately lonely. Who can I call at 7 in the morning? Who can make me feel better now… instead of promising to later? How fair are these feelings to the friends that I do have?
I wake up alone, and I can’t deny the feelings of absolute isolation that I have. My brain won’t stop thinking of the friendships that I have, and how… I just want more. I’m tired of hanging out with one person at a time. I want to get out into the world and have fun. But I know so few people that even do that, and if they do, they’re so often unavailable.
I want the big group of friends that I see my boyfriend having, and Steve having, and it hurts so badly that I don’t and never have and possibly never will have it. I don’t really want to think about that right now, the fact that it might never happen… but neither can I just close my eyes and think happy thoughts.
I want to just stop being so close to the fire all the time. Seeing them all together… god, what’s wrong with me, what did I do wrong, what’s so fucked up in other people that I am denied that? What’s so basicly lacking in me as a person that no one wants me around in a group? Why am I so unneeded by the world?
The sad conclusion I come back to is that there isn’t anything wrong with me. And there isn’t anything wrong with other people. So either I am just doomed to never have what I want based solely on circumstance or “fate” or everything I’ve said just is incorrect and I can’t see that I’m insane.
I don’t know what I can do right now except lament my social lifelessness and act emo, since I wake up so many mornings feeling trapped and bored. And alone. I want to get up and run out of this house right now, I just don’t want to be stuck in here, without another soul around, anymore.
It’s such a hard transition for me, to go from there never seeming to be people gone (Cory’s house) back to mine where my mother is for awhile but she’s never there when I wake up in the morning.
I want people to notice when I’m not there. I want someone to care if they haven’t seen me in awhile. But what I want more than this, because I have to admit that people do care, are people who will actually go out of their way to see me. I mean, it’s like this. Tonight, after Cory got off of work, he went home and a lot of his friends were already over at his house. They were already there, waiting for him. He doesn’t even realize how good he has it, how lucky he is. I would consider homicide to have the same, to have the kind of friends that all hang out together and know that they’ll be together in the future. Cory never has to worry about a damn thing. And in some ways, I feel like I’m taking him away from his friends when he is there. And that’s really unfair to me. I also know that he’ll be taken care of, that he’ll never be lonely, when I’m gone. He always has someone to turn to, someone to spend time with, when I’m not there. And if I’m never there again, he’ll be fine. There will always be someone there for him, for the rest of his life. He’ll never have to worry about going for days without seeing another soul other than his mother, or wondering if he’ll even have friends in the future. Or rather, the same friends that he has now. It’ll never be a worry for him, nothing to be concerned about. Like I’ve already said several times but need to say again, he has people to take care of him. That go out of their way to see him and speak to him… he has people who care and will be there for him for the rest of his life. He has that security. I have none of it. I know so few people who actually care enough to get their ass out of their house and come to mine, let alone people that I am sure will be around for me in the future. And I know that my friends aren’t that bad, that some of them are like that, and really wonderful, it’s just that I need more of that. It’s just that when I compare my life to his, it’s so empty, so devoid of true, deep friendship that I can experience 9 out of 10 days. It’s so devoid of life sometimes…
I do sacrifice time with my own friends, I sacrifice my own social life to be around his friends that I don’t even get along with most of the time. And he does nothing of that. Since it’s always me going up there, he can still hang out with his friends whenever he wants, or they can come over unexpectedly whenever they want. It’s driving me fucking nuts. Always seeing what I don’t and seemingly can’t have.
How am I supposed to live like this? When it bothers me so much that I don’t want to go back to his house. It’s just another place of torture, where I hang out with his family instead of my own, and for what? To feel awkward and left out most of the time? If I break up with Cory, that’ll be the last time I ever see them. They’ll never make any efforts to say hi or keep in any kind of contact. I feel like I’m wasting my time.
All I want is more friends, to be with and just live with. I want people I can be comfortable around, that I can feel better around, that I can make feel better when they’re around me. Goddammit, why do I have to be alone all the time? Why will there never be anyone waiting at my house to be with me?
I don’t want it anymore! I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE! CAPS LOCK OF DOOM! I can’t completely take myself seriously when I cry like a child because I’m lonely… Although it does feel a little good to get that out of my system…
I just don’t want to live like this anymore. Feeling bored, like I’m getting nothing done, and coming home to an empty house, everyday. I wonder if going to Cory’s for half the week and feeling empty in his home is just… me trying to distract myself from the fact that I am still alone. That I’m not making any real or deep connections with anyone over there. That it will all be for nothing once Cory isn’t in my life. All of my suffering, all of my trying to get along with them and feeling like shy crap most of the time… Would any of them ever want me around again, if I’m not ‘Cory’s girlfriend’? Am I respected at all on my own merits? Nope. No one ever asks me to hang out. And Steve, I’m not including you in this because you truly are my friend and so I don’t count you as part of ‘Cory’s group’, okay? Although Jesse does send me a message once in awhile and that’s kind of nice.
So, god, what am I to do to fix this? How am I supposed to live my life when I’m always trapped… and how the hell am I supposed to live a life I have no idea how to get or where, when it seems that all my trying to talk to people at school gets me nowhere. I try so fucking hard every day to come out of my shell and make new friends, but I keep getting nowhere. What the hell is wrong with people there? It’s fucking college, it’s okay to talk to quiet people and if you get along with them go eat lunch outside the school.
I’m so sick of failing. I’m so sick of feeling like I don’t have what I want and I can’t get what I want. I don’t want it all to be a mystery anymore. I want to get out there and get my life.
But can I do that doing what I am today? Or do a lot of things have to change? Do I have to change, more than I am, and try harder than I have been?
In a lot of ways it seems silly to me, to have to try so hard for something so simple, something that should be freely given. I shouldn’t have to contort myself into the system, just to be part of a goddamn group and appreciated, but it seems that’s the only solution I have at the moment.
Why can’t I have something that everybody else has? Why am I being denied it? Just how many babies did I eat in a past life? Sometimes I just want to sleep forever and live a rich and full life in my dreams, the only way it even seems possible for me.
If nothing else, I hope never to feel despair again…