SG: Toy Soldiers [5-8]
Parts 1-4, notes & disclaimer are Here.
five.
Janet feels like a fish out of water. The infirmary, a place she always considered her patch, has changed subtly in the time she’s been away. Stores have been moved around, the cart with the missing wheel has been replaced, and her staff have all changed. Hammond never told her exactly what her position would be, what she was supposed to do, and how things were going to progress.
She’s tucked herself out of sight in the commissary but she can’t convince herself to enjoy the sandwich on her plate. She used to love the wholegrain ham sandwiches, but for some reason today she can’t swallow it.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was anyone sitting here.”
She looks up to see a tall, slim woman with dark hair and green eyes holding a tray.
“Aren’t you a little young to be here?” the woman asks, confused.
“I’m a lot older than you’d think,” Janet says tiredly, pushing the sandwich around on her plate.
“I bet,” the woman agrees, dropping her tray to the table and moving into the booth to sit opposite Janet. “I’m Liz, by the way.”
“Janet.”
Janet watches as Liz carefully unwraps her knife and fork, and tucks a napkin onto her lap before she starts eating. “You’re new here,” Janet says, studying the woman.
“I am,” Liz agrees, taking a bite of pasta. “This is really good. You’re not hungry?”
“No,” Janet sighs, pushing her plate aside.
“Bad day?”
“You could say that,” Janet agrees. “How long have you been working here?”
“I just transferred,” Liz explains, taking another bite. “Only got here a few hours ago, as a matter-of-fact.”
“That’s soon,” Janet murmurs, frowning.
“Soon?”
“I didn’t think the new brass would start transferring people in so soon after General Hammond left. I thought they’d give us time to settle first.”
Liz’s fork drops to her plate. “Who are you?” she demands.
“Janet,” Janet repeats. “Janet Fraiser. I used to be the CMO.”
“But you died,” Liz says blankly, then bites down on her lip. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t meant to sound so insensitive. You just caught me by surprise. I didn’t expect…”
Janet laughs, but even she can tell there’s no humor in the expression. “Don’t worry about it,” she says. “It’s not like it’s something you’d expect to really happen.”
“I’m sorry,” Liz says again. “No one said anything about… well…”
“It’s recent,” Janet explains, eyeing the woman. “I’m sorry, what exactly is your position at the SGC?”
Liz shifts uncomfortably in her seat, and then smiles. “I’m in command.”
“You’re Dr. Weir?” Janet realizes.
“Yes,” Liz nods. “Now, while we’re sitting here, would you mind explaining exactly what I’ve missed out on?”
Janet pauses, looking at the woman. This soft spoken, slim woman was is command of the entire SGC? She isn’t even military, Janet realizes. “Are you aware of a cloning incident about a year ago, with an Asgard named Loki and Colonel O’Neill?”
“I remember reading a report on that, yes,” Liz says, nodding. “I understand the clone is attending a state high school several hours from here.”
“So were the rest of us,” Janet agrees humorlessly.
“The rest of you? You mean there are more clones?”
“What do you think I am?” Janet asks bluntly.
“How many more, and who?” Liz asks quietly.
“Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter, Teal’c and myself are the only others besides Colonel O’Neill, but you already knew about him.”
“And where are they all?”
“I’m not entirely certain,” Janet admits finally. She hopes, hopes with everything inside her, that they haven’t gotten themselves killed. Janet’s not a dependant or weak woman, but she doesn’t think she should live with being the only clone left out of all of them. Not now, when everything’s so different at the SGC. “They were with Colonel O’Neill - the original, that is.”
Liz looks almost as confused and lost as Janet feels, and Janet studies her hands in front of her. “General Hammond was reassigning us all to the SGC,” Janet continues. “We agreed to be cloned because we thought that we might be needed at the SGC again one day. Well, that’s what Major Carter said anyway,” Janet says, smiling. “Sam and Daniel are far too convinced of their own importance.”
“You agreed to be cloned,” Liz points out.
“Yes. I’m not sure how I let Sam talk me into it, much less how she talked General Hammond into it. It’s not like I’m irreplaceable.”
“What would you like to do?” Liz asks.
Janet shrugs. “I don’t know. I never thought it would be like this.”
“What did you think it would be like?”
“Are you a psychologist?”
“No,” Liz says, smiling in amusement.
“I thought it would be completely different,” Janet admits. “I assumed it would be years before we were ‘recalled’, so to speak. I thought maybe we’d live our own lives until they needed us.”
“And now?”
“It feels like I’ve been away on holiday and come back, only no one else seems to see it that way,” Janet says quietly. “I look like a child. I’ve been living like a child for the last year, so things are bound to be different.”
“Have you been officially reinstated?” Liz asks quietly, obviously thinking.
“I don’t know,” Janet admits. “I was supposed to meet with General Hammond before all of the chaos started. Obviously now, I won’t be meeting with him, I’m supposed to be meeting with you.”
“And you are meeting with me.”
They settle into silence, and Janet thinks this is perhaps the strangest meeting she’s ever had with a commanding officer.
“Do you want to stay here?” Liz asks as she finishes her pasta.
Janet doesn’t want to say she wants to be where the other clones are - that will make her sound far too young and dependent, but she really can’t imagine not being with them. They’ve been together for a year now, constantly in each other’s company. They’re the only people who know what it’s like to be old in young bodies, to be a copy of something important but not be important enough to rate in their own right.
“I’ll let you think about it,” Liz says, gathering her dishes and standing up. “For what it’s worth, Janet, I think General Hammond must have thought very highly of you and your work if he agreed to let you be cloned.”
Janet smiles, and gathers her dishes too. “Thank you,” she says. “And thank you for listening.”
They leave their used dishes in the assigned tub and separate at the commissary doors. Janet watches Liz as she walks down a corridor and disappears around a corner. She wonders what Jack and Sam will make of the new woman, and whether they’ll want to stay now that Hammond isn’t in command anymore.
She bites on her lip and heads to the infirmary; maybe she’ll have a look around and see what else has been changed while she’s away.
six.
Sam wants to go back to the SGC. Even high school is preferable over this. “Stop staring, McKay,” she orders him.
“But you’re so…little,” he says, still staring.
Sam glares at him. “I can still punch just fine,” she informs him.
“I still can’t believe you’re standing in front of me,” he continues, completely oblivious to her homicidal intentions. “Cloning humans shouldn’t even be a reality yet, let alone transferring consciousness from one body to another. And you say that he actually cloned your personality as well? Amazing!”
“Not just one of you either!” McKay is crowing, almost bouncing on his feet as he looks from Sam to Jack to Daniel and Teal’c. “Four!”
“Five, actually,” Jack says casually. “Dr. Fraiser is back at the SGC.”
“I cannot believe no one told me about this!” McKay announces, sweeping his hands through the air. “And you… you can use the Ancient’s technology!”
For a second, Sam thinks McKay will pounce on Jack, but the man contains himself and his head keeps swiveling back and forth between the four of them.
“I’m going topside,” Sam says, and just walks away. Not being in the military anymore has its definite benefits sometimes, even if she does miss the knowledge that she belonged in the team. Now she just feels like a kid scientist along for the ride. She definitely enjoys the work; the technology is challenging and it’s been a long time since she’s had something to stimulate her mentally.
She’s the only person in the cart on the way up to the surface, and she kicks listlessly at the metal cage.
They’ve been in Antarctica for what feels like months now - it hasn’t been quite that long, she knows, but it’s hard to tell how long exactly because the goddamn sun doesn’t set when it’s supposed to.
It’s cold and bright and windy. An unusually clear day which reflects off the ice with a glare that makes her eyes smart and water.
“You forgot your sunglasses,” someone says behind her.
She turns to see Jack holding out his hand to her, and she takes the sunglasses gratefully. “Thanks.”
Sam didn’t want company when she came up here; she wanted to get away from another reminder of her old arrogance. Rodney McKay was a brilliant scientist, Sam knew, and years ago when she’d first met him it had irked her that someone existed who could possibly do what she did and do it better. She’d set out to be better than him then, and had succeeded, but Sam has a suspicion that Rodney McKay is better than her in some things, and she doesn’t like being bested.
Obviously her ego still has a few unresolved issues.
“He’s still an asshole,” Jack says, breaking the silence.
“He asked me out once.”
She has no idea why she told Jack that, and sneaks a look at him from below her lashes. His face is as bland and expressionless as ever - she sometimes wonders who’s got the better poker-face between him and Teal’c.
“I’m gonna take a leap and guess you told him no.”
“Now why would you guess that?” Sam asks, trying to hide her smile.
“Don’t let him get to you, Carter,” Jack says quietly.
She looks at him - really looks at him - for the first time in a long time. During their two months here, it seems like he’s finally found a sort of peace he’s been missing ever since they were cloned. She wonders where and how he found it, and if there’s maybe any left for her to find.
“I’m sick of being treated like a child,” she says finally. “I prove to them all on a daily basis that I’m not a child, but it’s as if no one really listens.”
“It’s not like you to give up,” he says.
“I’m not giving up,” she argues. “I’m just regretting making a mistake.” The words sound wrong - she didn’t mean it like that - but they solidify around them as though frozen by the cold, and she can’t escape what she inadvertently said.
“You had a choice and you knew what you were getting into,” he says, his voice almost as cold as the ice around them.
“No, I didn’t know what I was getting into,” she disagrees. “I thought things would be different.”
“Different how?”
When did things get so sharp and bitter between them, she wonders? How did they become so jaded and cynical? Maybe when something inside her withered and died.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says tiredly.
“You think you’re the only one who’s finding being a clone hard,” he says sharply. “Maybe if you listened to the rest of us you’d see you’re not the only one in that boat, Carter. The world, contrary to your belief, does not revolve around you. Maybe I also find it hard to know what I am.”
“Maybe if you talked to me sometimes and told me how you feel I’d have some idea!”
“You’re not exactly easy to approach, Carter, when you spend all your time regretting the decision to clone yourself.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t regret my decision if you gave me a reason to accept it!”
“I didn’t ask you to clone yourself for me!”
“No,” she says quietly. “I guess you didn’t.”
There’s not really much to say after that. Obviously she made a mistake; a bigger mistake than she’d initially thought.
---
Sam misses Janet. They send emails regularly and chat on the satellite phone under the pretense of having work related discussions, but it’s not the same as having Janet with her and going through it all with her.
She can only imagine how hard it must be for Janet to be by herself at the SGC.
On her downtime, or when she’s feeling vulnerable, Sam’s taken to hanging out in what’s the equivalent of the infirmary. Carson Beckett is a tall Scottish man who Sam’s taken a liking too. He didn’t realize who she was, the first time he saw her, and despite not knowing why a teenager was wondering around a top secret facility he treated her with respect.
When Sam explained who she was, she’d seen interest in his eyes, but he’d also shown an unexpected empathy for her situation. He treated her like the adult she was, and Sam was quickly growing to consider him a friend.
She’s sitting on a small cot now, with a laptop resting on her thighs, half listening to Carson chattering on about his latest discoveries concerning Ancient physiology, when Daniel skids around the corner into the room.
“Sam!” he gasps, clutching at a desk for balance. “Sam, you have to see this!”
“What is it, Daniel?” she asks, pushing the laptop aside and jumping to her feet. Carson isn’t far behind.
“We found it!” he grins broadly. “We found Atlantis!”
seven.
It’s been easier to ignore the reality of the clones when they aren’t underfoot than Jack thought it would be. Fraiser’s clone says in the infirmary and out of sight, and Jack hasn’t really had much cause to be in the infirmary since he got back - Thor fixed him up pretty good this time.
“I want them to go with us,” Elizabeth says quietly.
“What?”
“The clones. I want them to go to Atlantis with us.”
“They can’t,” Jack says immediately.
“Why not?”
A million reasons spin through his mind, but he finds he can’t exactly grab hold of one. It slips and slithers through his fingers and keeps spinning around.
“Jack, you can’t avoid them forever,” Elizabeth says quietly. “And they can’t hide away in Antarctica for the rest of their lives either.”
He likes Elizabeth. She makes him feel comfortable in a way very few people do these days. In some ways she reminds him of Carter with her intelligence and her smile and her generosity. She’s the only person these days, who reins him in and makes him face the facts the way they really are. She doesn’t let him hide from his demons, and even though he wants to tell her to mind her own business, he’s secretly grateful for her interference.
“What will they do in Atlantis, Liz?” he asks her. “Would they even want to go?”
“Janet does.”
“She does?”
Liz nodded. “She feels awkward here, and I can’t say I blame her for feeling that way. I imagine it’s the reason the others haven’t insisted on returning to the SGC yet, even though I know for a fact Teal’c and the younger Jack are both bored.”
“I thought my clone was firing up the Ancient’s toys for them all,” Jack pointed out.
“He was, until we found Major Sheppard. That’s another reason why I want them to come along - the more people we have with the Ancient’s gene, the better our chance of success is. Carson Beckett has the gene, but I’m sure you’ve worked out what’s he like based on the reports you’ve been getting.”
“Yes,” Jack agrees, hiding a smile. “I’m sure trying to shoot Hammond out of the sky with a drone went down really well.”
He can see Liz fighting to hide her mirth too. “Well, I think Carson is quite happy to be leaving this galaxy fairly soon.”
Jack grins broadly at the image of Hammond dressing down the Scottish doctor.
“If I asked them, and they agree, will you authorize their being a part of this mission?”
“Daniel would sell his soul to go,” Jack murmurs, studying the wood of his new desk. “You’ve already got McKay, and I know Carter and McKay don’t get along well.”
“McKay doesn’t get along well with most people.”
“Teal’c won’t go.”
“He won’t?”
“He’s loyal to the Jaffa. If Teal’c won’t go, I can’t see my clone going.”
“But if they say yes?”
Jack stands up and moves over to the star chart, letting his eyes rest on it. “They’re not technically a part of the SGC anymore,” Jack points out.
“They’re not really a part of anything anymore. Let them go, Jack. This way they at least have a chance of having their own lives again.”
“If they agree, yes.”
“Thank you, Jack.”
Liz lets herself out, leaving him staring at the star chart. It was easy to ignore the clones when he didn’t have to see them or acknowledge their existence. But Elizabeth is right, he thinks, they deserve a choice about what they want to do and where they want to go.
Jack tries not to think about why the thought of them going to another galaxy without him hurts as much as it does; they’re not really his team, they’re copies. Fakes.
Jack stands alone before the star chart, and tries to remember all the planets they visited together before he was the last one left. He’s a General now, and it’s unlikely he’ll do a lot of traveling anymore. Jack doesn’t mind, he doesn’t particularly want to go off-world anymore.
---
Jack wakes up early, much earlier than he needs to. He hasn’t had much sleep, but he doesn’t think he could sleep anymore. He rolls out of bed, wincing as his bad knee sends tongues of pain licking up his leg, and dresses slowly, trying not to antagonize the pain.
The halls of the SGC are deceptively calm and quiet - Jack knows in a few hours time this place will see more activity than it’s ever seen before. He walks along the halls aimlessly; the SF’s on watch nod as he passes, but other than the sound of his boots on the concrete it’s quiet.
He finds himself outside Carter’s lab by accident. He hovers at her door indecisively for several seconds, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, before he jams his hands into his pockets and turns away. He almost starts walking away before he realizes there’s a thin crack of light beneath the door.
His palms feel sweaty and his heart thumps uncomfortably in his chest for several long seconds before he comes to his senses. Carter’s been dead for almost a year. This isn’t Carter’s lab anymore, and she isn’t in there working on some piece of technology when she should be sleeping.
Jack’s fists clench in his pockets, and he turns away abruptly, marching for the elevators. Outside the air is frigid, but the sky is clear and he can see the stars mapped on his star chart. He walks through the car park and onto a snow-covered track leading to a look out offering a view of the valley. He’s not interested in the valley though; he wants to see the stars tonight.
And apparently, he realizes as the look-out appears in sight, he’s not the only one with that desire. Long blond hair is pulled back into a messy knot at the base of her skull, and she looks a lot smaller and frailer than he’d thought possible. Jack’s almost tempted to turn around and leave - he doesn’t particularly want to deal with a fake Carter under starlight.
“It’s very clear out here tonight,” she says, and he knows he’s been discovered.
“Roads will be icy tomorrow,” he says, hesitating on the track.
“Do you regret anything?” she asks him.
“What do you mean?”
“She died. I died. Are there things you regret?”
Yes, he thinks, trying to ignore the fist of pain ramming him in his gut. Yes, there are lots of things he regrets. He regrets leaving things unsaid in a room. He regrets letting her die. He regrets not telling her about the time he kissed her. Most of all, he regrets never really knowing Sam the woman. He wonders what she would have been like without the military and ranks and rules between them.
“I regret this,” she says quietly. She still hasn’t looked at him, or pulled her gaze from the sky.
“What?”
“Allowing myself to be cloned. Convincing Hammond, against his better judgment, that cloning us was a good idea.”
“Why did you do it?” he asks.
She laughs, the sound like broken glass between them. “I’m egocentric like that,” she says quietly. “And I thought maybe you would be happy.”
“Am I?”
“No.”
Jack watches her as she pulls her arms tighter around her waist. “I never was very smart, Carter,” he says quietly.
“Apparently, neither was I.”
“He’s lucky,” Jack whispers, fighting the sudden burning in his eyes.
“How can you say that?” she demands. “How can you say being a clone is lucky?”
“Because he still has you. All of you.”
Finally she turns to face him; he’s amazed to see her cheeks are as wet as his own. “Did she ever tell you?” she asks hoarsely, her voice too old to be hers.
Jack doesn’t pretend ignorance; now is not the time. “No.”
“She should have. I regret that.”
“How did she feel?” he whispers, his voice carrying over the crystal stillness of the night air.
“She loved you. She loved you enough to give everything up for you.”
Jack didn’t think it was possible to hurt anymore, or to feel anymore broken inside, but he was wrong. Her words stab him with a hundred thousand more regrets, and he shuts his eyes to try and hide from her.
“I still love you,” she whispers, suddenly in front of him and close to him. “I think I always will, even when I try to pretend I don’t.”
She’s so much smaller than he remembers, when he takes her into his arms, but she still smells the same. He buries his nose in her hair and breathes her in like perfume, closing his eyes until he’s surrounded by her scent and the warmth of her body in his arms. “You should tell him that some time,” Jack tells her, tangling his fingers in her hair. “He doesn’t really believe it.”
“I’m sorry.” She’s crying against him, her tears hot against his neck. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry.’
“Me too,” he murmurs, rocking her.
He’s holding the woman he loves in his arms but she’s not his anymore. He missed his chance, but maybe in another lifetime in another galaxy he’ll get another shot at it. He presses his lips against hers, once, and tastes the saltiness of her tears and the bitterness of her regret. She rests small fingers against his rough cheeks, her forehead presses tightly against his. Her breath is sweet and minty, and Jack wishes that this was real.
“Tell him,” he says. “Don’t regret it a second time.”
She kisses his cheek gently, and wipes a tear from his cheek with her thumb. “You take care of yourself,” she tells him. “I’m not here to look after you now.”
“I will,” he promises.
“And take care of my Dad too,” she whispers.
“You take care of me,” he says, smiling. “And don’t let me walk all over you.”
She smiles, smug, despite her tears. “I never did, sir, I never did.”
He watches her walk back to the SGC, blond hair glinting silver in the moonlight like a ghost, and things maybe he doesn’t regret quite as much as he did before.
eight
The gate room is rarely this full of people and equipment. Standing out of the way beside a wall Jack watches the activity around them silently. It feels very wrong and very lazy to be standing aside and watching everyone moving crates and equipment and gear around, but Jack is not as big or as strong as he was, and he’ll get in the way more than he would help.
“So you’re Jack O’Neill?”
He recognizes Colonel Sumner more by reputation than personal knowledge. “One of them,” he admits, studying the man.
“I can’t get a straight answer out of Dr. Weir why exactly you and your friends are on this mission.”
“Guess that makes two of us then.”
Sumner studies him suspiciously; Jack doesn’t think he cares much for the Colonel and keeps his face bland.
“I am in charge of this mission,” Sumner says.
“I thought Dr. Weir held that position.”
“I’m just letting you know how things lie, Colonel O’Neill.”
“I’m not a Colonel anymore, I’m a General. Though, technically, it’s not really me,” Jack says calmly. “I’m not interested in taking your command, Colonel. I’m just along for the ride.”
Sumner eyes him suspiciously for several minutes longer, and sniffs as though Jack is a bad smell. He spins on his heel and walks off, and Jack wonders who on earth assigned that man command of Atlantis’ military force. Jack’s not lying though - the last thing he wants to do is be in any position of command.
To be honest, other than telling him they needed his Ancient gene and his ‘broad experience’ Liz never gave him a satisfactory explanation as to why she wanted him along, and Jack’s not sure why he agreed. Maybe because if Daniel, Carter and Janet were going, he’d be left by himself. As difficult as things are between him and Carter at the moment, the last thing Jack wants to be is by himself.
He wonders how Teal’c will cope with being a lone clone amongst the Jaffa. Things are different with the Jaffa though, and Teal’c will be accepted as a warrior if he can prove his skills. It’s not like the human culture where your age determined your acceptance and ability.
“I see Colonel Sumner made another friend.”
Jack looks at John Sheppard, and raises his eyebrows. “Obviously I have a very charming personality.”
Sheppard snorts. “About as charming as mine.”
“That way, is it?”
Sheppard shrugs, and stares at the Stargate. “I’m not sure this is a good idea, Jack,” he says.
Jack likes Sheppard - he sees a lot of himself in the younger man, and appreciates Sheppard’s ‘no one gets left behind’ attitude. Of course, the man is a lot more sarcastic and casual than Jack is (or so Jack likes to tell himself), and by the way he antagonizes most of the brass, Jack doesn’t think Sheppard will make it much above Colonel.
Then again, Jack’s made it to Brigadier General.
“You don’t have to go,” Jack tells Sheppard, also turning to look at the Stargate. “You can just live your life flying choppers to and from the Antarctic. I’m sure it won’t get much more exciting than dodging stray drones.”
“What was it like, going through the Stargate?”
What was it like. It was unlike anything Jack had ever done before, and he used to think he’d never do anything as exciting. He was wrong though; being a part of an exploration party going to a different galaxy was just as exciting and thrilling as being a part of the SGC. Jack hasn’t realized just how much he has been looking forward to going to Atlantis since it was suggested to him.
“It made my life worth living,” he says finally. “And it’s going to make it worth living again.”
Sheppard comes across as stupid to a lot of people, Jack’s realized, because he employs the same tactics of humor to deflect anything that could get too close. Jack sees right through Sheppard, and Sheppard sees right through Jack. “What about Sam?” Sheppard asks.
Jack eyes Sheppard thoughtfully. He doesn’t like Sheppard calling her Sam. “I think she’s just happy to be doing something useful,” Jack says. “She didn’t like not being involved.”
“Why did they all do it?” Shep asks.
“What?”
“Clone themselves?”
Jack shrugs. “I never really asked.”
“I wouldn’t have cloned myself for anyone,” Shep says with a shrug. “No one’s that important to me that I’d just waltz off to live another life for them.”
Jack wonders who exactly Shep has been talking to, and what he’s getting at. “I didn’t ask them to,” he says defensively.
Shep shrugs again. “No one asked me to break the rules for my guys either,” Shep points out. “I still did it.”
Because he cared, Jack realizes. Not just because of duty or honor or some misguided sense of heroism, but because he cared about his team mates.
“Liz said this mission would be a new chance for everyone,” Shep continues. “She said it’s a way to get beyond past mistakes and look to the future. A new life to live.”
“And that won you over?” Jack asks doubtfully.
“No,” Shep says honestly. “You convinced me, actually.”
“Me?”
“The older you.”
“Oh.”
“And you just made me realize you were right.”
“I did?”
“You did.”
Shep salutes with a smile and wonders off to annoy someone else. Jack stares at the Stargate and thinks about a new team and a new life and moving beyond past mistakes and regrets.
Liz is smarter than he thought, Jack decides. Now he’s just got to figure out why she’s insisted on McKay going along when Carter’s also there.
---
Elizabeth’s speech is moving and perfect. From their positions at the back of the room, Jack can see the way the people respond to her words. Even the marines look impressed and happy and ready to go find another galaxy.
He’s standing against a wall with Teal’c on one side and Carter on the other. Teal’c is holding his staff weapon and looking somber - Jack wonders if Teal’c is having second thoughts about staying behind and going back to the Jaffa rebellion. Jack almost wishes he could go with Teal’c, but the Jaffa aren’t his place.
Atlantis, he thinks, is his place.
A warm hand slips into his, and he turns to Carter in surprise. She’s not looking at him, but her jaw is jutting out stubbornly and he can see the determination in her eyes. She’s not certain about Atlantis, he realizes, but she’s taking a gamble because Earth isn’t going to work for them. He’s surprised to notice that he’s caught up to her in height during the last few months and feels pleased about that shallow fact.
He squeezes her hand in his, and watches the gate as it starts to dial.
The gate room is silent, and when the gate engages it’s filled with a long familiar blue light that flickers and washes over everything present. Jack looks at Carter again, and this time she’s looking at him. Her eyes are bluer than ever, and they meet his gaze evenly.
“There are some things I don’t want to regret,” she says.
“There are a lot of things I don’t want to regret,” he agrees.
“Good,” she says. “We’ll do things differently this time.”
The matter of fact attitude and quiet confidence in her eyes is surprising, but comforting. He’s not sure what happened between their last awkward conversation the day before and now, but he doesn’t really think it’s important. For the first time in a long, long time, something inside Jack slips and falls neatly into place, and it’s as if the universe makes a little bit more sense.
They were in limbo, Jack realizes with suddenly clarity. They couldn’t move forward because the future was already behind them, and they couldn’t go back to what they were because they weren’t the same people they had been. Now there is a new future ahead of them, uncertain and exciting and theirs.
They stand and watch in silence as the people troop through the gate in the specified order. They’re fairly low on the priority list, Jack knows, because they’re extras that aren’t really needed, but would be good to have along as a back up. Tag alongs simply joining in the ride.
Jack hopes it’s a damn good ride.
Finally it’s their turn. The walk up the ramp is familiar. Butterflies jerk awake in Jack’s gut, and he pauses before the event horizon, staring at it. He can remember Carter staring at the gate the first time, getting excited over the ripples and spouting her technical terms. He stands and stares now himself.
On the other side of this gleaming circle lies his new life. Not a second-hand life passed down by the man he used to be, but a new life, ready for the taking.
He’s still holding Carter’s hand, and it feels warm in his.
“You only have a few more minutes,” Harriman says worriedly from the control room.
“Have fun,” General O’Neill remarks from the base of the ramp. This is the man he would be, Jack realizes, if fate had been different. Robbed of team mates and the promise of something more.
He tightens his hand around Sam’s, and smiles. “We’re underage.”
Next to him, Carter grins wickedly. “Only on earth.”
Yes, he thinks, following her through the gate, there will be definite perks to being young again.
They’re the last ones through the gate; Daniel and Janet look enquiringly at their joined hands, but say nothing. Everyone in Atlantis pauses and stares at the gate, watching it. The event horizon flickers and flares but it doesn’t snap shut.
They wait.
Two bottles suddenly appear, rolling gently out of the Stargate. The gate snaps shut, and the blue glow fades away.
Elizabeth steps forward and picks up the bottles, examining the tags. “Good luck,” she reads from the bottle that looks like champagne. “General Jack O’Neill.”
The second bottle’s label makes her smile broadly, and she looks up to meet Jack’s face. “It’s for you,” she says, handing him the bottle.
A bottle of grape juice, tagged “For the kids, from Uncle Jack.”
“Uncle Jack?” Carter says dryly, reading the tag.
“Should have been Grandpa,” Daniel announces.
Several people laugh, and suddenly everything feels okay. They’ll be okay. All of them.
-FIN-
Go on, pander to my teenbopper desires and leave me some feedback ;)
five.
Janet feels like a fish out of water. The infirmary, a place she always considered her patch, has changed subtly in the time she’s been away. Stores have been moved around, the cart with the missing wheel has been replaced, and her staff have all changed. Hammond never told her exactly what her position would be, what she was supposed to do, and how things were going to progress.
She’s tucked herself out of sight in the commissary but she can’t convince herself to enjoy the sandwich on her plate. She used to love the wholegrain ham sandwiches, but for some reason today she can’t swallow it.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was anyone sitting here.”
She looks up to see a tall, slim woman with dark hair and green eyes holding a tray.
“Aren’t you a little young to be here?” the woman asks, confused.
“I’m a lot older than you’d think,” Janet says tiredly, pushing the sandwich around on her plate.
“I bet,” the woman agrees, dropping her tray to the table and moving into the booth to sit opposite Janet. “I’m Liz, by the way.”
“Janet.”
Janet watches as Liz carefully unwraps her knife and fork, and tucks a napkin onto her lap before she starts eating. “You’re new here,” Janet says, studying the woman.
“I am,” Liz agrees, taking a bite of pasta. “This is really good. You’re not hungry?”
“No,” Janet sighs, pushing her plate aside.
“Bad day?”
“You could say that,” Janet agrees. “How long have you been working here?”
“I just transferred,” Liz explains, taking another bite. “Only got here a few hours ago, as a matter-of-fact.”
“That’s soon,” Janet murmurs, frowning.
“Soon?”
“I didn’t think the new brass would start transferring people in so soon after General Hammond left. I thought they’d give us time to settle first.”
Liz’s fork drops to her plate. “Who are you?” she demands.
“Janet,” Janet repeats. “Janet Fraiser. I used to be the CMO.”
“But you died,” Liz says blankly, then bites down on her lip. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t meant to sound so insensitive. You just caught me by surprise. I didn’t expect…”
Janet laughs, but even she can tell there’s no humor in the expression. “Don’t worry about it,” she says. “It’s not like it’s something you’d expect to really happen.”
“I’m sorry,” Liz says again. “No one said anything about… well…”
“It’s recent,” Janet explains, eyeing the woman. “I’m sorry, what exactly is your position at the SGC?”
Liz shifts uncomfortably in her seat, and then smiles. “I’m in command.”
“You’re Dr. Weir?” Janet realizes.
“Yes,” Liz nods. “Now, while we’re sitting here, would you mind explaining exactly what I’ve missed out on?”
Janet pauses, looking at the woman. This soft spoken, slim woman was is command of the entire SGC? She isn’t even military, Janet realizes. “Are you aware of a cloning incident about a year ago, with an Asgard named Loki and Colonel O’Neill?”
“I remember reading a report on that, yes,” Liz says, nodding. “I understand the clone is attending a state high school several hours from here.”
“So were the rest of us,” Janet agrees humorlessly.
“The rest of you? You mean there are more clones?”
“What do you think I am?” Janet asks bluntly.
“How many more, and who?” Liz asks quietly.
“Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter, Teal’c and myself are the only others besides Colonel O’Neill, but you already knew about him.”
“And where are they all?”
“I’m not entirely certain,” Janet admits finally. She hopes, hopes with everything inside her, that they haven’t gotten themselves killed. Janet’s not a dependant or weak woman, but she doesn’t think she should live with being the only clone left out of all of them. Not now, when everything’s so different at the SGC. “They were with Colonel O’Neill - the original, that is.”
Liz looks almost as confused and lost as Janet feels, and Janet studies her hands in front of her. “General Hammond was reassigning us all to the SGC,” Janet continues. “We agreed to be cloned because we thought that we might be needed at the SGC again one day. Well, that’s what Major Carter said anyway,” Janet says, smiling. “Sam and Daniel are far too convinced of their own importance.”
“You agreed to be cloned,” Liz points out.
“Yes. I’m not sure how I let Sam talk me into it, much less how she talked General Hammond into it. It’s not like I’m irreplaceable.”
“What would you like to do?” Liz asks.
Janet shrugs. “I don’t know. I never thought it would be like this.”
“What did you think it would be like?”
“Are you a psychologist?”
“No,” Liz says, smiling in amusement.
“I thought it would be completely different,” Janet admits. “I assumed it would be years before we were ‘recalled’, so to speak. I thought maybe we’d live our own lives until they needed us.”
“And now?”
“It feels like I’ve been away on holiday and come back, only no one else seems to see it that way,” Janet says quietly. “I look like a child. I’ve been living like a child for the last year, so things are bound to be different.”
“Have you been officially reinstated?” Liz asks quietly, obviously thinking.
“I don’t know,” Janet admits. “I was supposed to meet with General Hammond before all of the chaos started. Obviously now, I won’t be meeting with him, I’m supposed to be meeting with you.”
“And you are meeting with me.”
They settle into silence, and Janet thinks this is perhaps the strangest meeting she’s ever had with a commanding officer.
“Do you want to stay here?” Liz asks as she finishes her pasta.
Janet doesn’t want to say she wants to be where the other clones are - that will make her sound far too young and dependent, but she really can’t imagine not being with them. They’ve been together for a year now, constantly in each other’s company. They’re the only people who know what it’s like to be old in young bodies, to be a copy of something important but not be important enough to rate in their own right.
“I’ll let you think about it,” Liz says, gathering her dishes and standing up. “For what it’s worth, Janet, I think General Hammond must have thought very highly of you and your work if he agreed to let you be cloned.”
Janet smiles, and gathers her dishes too. “Thank you,” she says. “And thank you for listening.”
They leave their used dishes in the assigned tub and separate at the commissary doors. Janet watches Liz as she walks down a corridor and disappears around a corner. She wonders what Jack and Sam will make of the new woman, and whether they’ll want to stay now that Hammond isn’t in command anymore.
She bites on her lip and heads to the infirmary; maybe she’ll have a look around and see what else has been changed while she’s away.
six.
Sam wants to go back to the SGC. Even high school is preferable over this. “Stop staring, McKay,” she orders him.
“But you’re so…little,” he says, still staring.
Sam glares at him. “I can still punch just fine,” she informs him.
“I still can’t believe you’re standing in front of me,” he continues, completely oblivious to her homicidal intentions. “Cloning humans shouldn’t even be a reality yet, let alone transferring consciousness from one body to another. And you say that he actually cloned your personality as well? Amazing!”
“Not just one of you either!” McKay is crowing, almost bouncing on his feet as he looks from Sam to Jack to Daniel and Teal’c. “Four!”
“Five, actually,” Jack says casually. “Dr. Fraiser is back at the SGC.”
“I cannot believe no one told me about this!” McKay announces, sweeping his hands through the air. “And you… you can use the Ancient’s technology!”
For a second, Sam thinks McKay will pounce on Jack, but the man contains himself and his head keeps swiveling back and forth between the four of them.
“I’m going topside,” Sam says, and just walks away. Not being in the military anymore has its definite benefits sometimes, even if she does miss the knowledge that she belonged in the team. Now she just feels like a kid scientist along for the ride. She definitely enjoys the work; the technology is challenging and it’s been a long time since she’s had something to stimulate her mentally.
She’s the only person in the cart on the way up to the surface, and she kicks listlessly at the metal cage.
They’ve been in Antarctica for what feels like months now - it hasn’t been quite that long, she knows, but it’s hard to tell how long exactly because the goddamn sun doesn’t set when it’s supposed to.
It’s cold and bright and windy. An unusually clear day which reflects off the ice with a glare that makes her eyes smart and water.
“You forgot your sunglasses,” someone says behind her.
She turns to see Jack holding out his hand to her, and she takes the sunglasses gratefully. “Thanks.”
Sam didn’t want company when she came up here; she wanted to get away from another reminder of her old arrogance. Rodney McKay was a brilliant scientist, Sam knew, and years ago when she’d first met him it had irked her that someone existed who could possibly do what she did and do it better. She’d set out to be better than him then, and had succeeded, but Sam has a suspicion that Rodney McKay is better than her in some things, and she doesn’t like being bested.
Obviously her ego still has a few unresolved issues.
“He’s still an asshole,” Jack says, breaking the silence.
“He asked me out once.”
She has no idea why she told Jack that, and sneaks a look at him from below her lashes. His face is as bland and expressionless as ever - she sometimes wonders who’s got the better poker-face between him and Teal’c.
“I’m gonna take a leap and guess you told him no.”
“Now why would you guess that?” Sam asks, trying to hide her smile.
“Don’t let him get to you, Carter,” Jack says quietly.
She looks at him - really looks at him - for the first time in a long time. During their two months here, it seems like he’s finally found a sort of peace he’s been missing ever since they were cloned. She wonders where and how he found it, and if there’s maybe any left for her to find.
“I’m sick of being treated like a child,” she says finally. “I prove to them all on a daily basis that I’m not a child, but it’s as if no one really listens.”
“It’s not like you to give up,” he says.
“I’m not giving up,” she argues. “I’m just regretting making a mistake.” The words sound wrong - she didn’t mean it like that - but they solidify around them as though frozen by the cold, and she can’t escape what she inadvertently said.
“You had a choice and you knew what you were getting into,” he says, his voice almost as cold as the ice around them.
“No, I didn’t know what I was getting into,” she disagrees. “I thought things would be different.”
“Different how?”
When did things get so sharp and bitter between them, she wonders? How did they become so jaded and cynical? Maybe when something inside her withered and died.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says tiredly.
“You think you’re the only one who’s finding being a clone hard,” he says sharply. “Maybe if you listened to the rest of us you’d see you’re not the only one in that boat, Carter. The world, contrary to your belief, does not revolve around you. Maybe I also find it hard to know what I am.”
“Maybe if you talked to me sometimes and told me how you feel I’d have some idea!”
“You’re not exactly easy to approach, Carter, when you spend all your time regretting the decision to clone yourself.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t regret my decision if you gave me a reason to accept it!”
“I didn’t ask you to clone yourself for me!”
“No,” she says quietly. “I guess you didn’t.”
There’s not really much to say after that. Obviously she made a mistake; a bigger mistake than she’d initially thought.
---
Sam misses Janet. They send emails regularly and chat on the satellite phone under the pretense of having work related discussions, but it’s not the same as having Janet with her and going through it all with her.
She can only imagine how hard it must be for Janet to be by herself at the SGC.
On her downtime, or when she’s feeling vulnerable, Sam’s taken to hanging out in what’s the equivalent of the infirmary. Carson Beckett is a tall Scottish man who Sam’s taken a liking too. He didn’t realize who she was, the first time he saw her, and despite not knowing why a teenager was wondering around a top secret facility he treated her with respect.
When Sam explained who she was, she’d seen interest in his eyes, but he’d also shown an unexpected empathy for her situation. He treated her like the adult she was, and Sam was quickly growing to consider him a friend.
She’s sitting on a small cot now, with a laptop resting on her thighs, half listening to Carson chattering on about his latest discoveries concerning Ancient physiology, when Daniel skids around the corner into the room.
“Sam!” he gasps, clutching at a desk for balance. “Sam, you have to see this!”
“What is it, Daniel?” she asks, pushing the laptop aside and jumping to her feet. Carson isn’t far behind.
“We found it!” he grins broadly. “We found Atlantis!”
seven.
It’s been easier to ignore the reality of the clones when they aren’t underfoot than Jack thought it would be. Fraiser’s clone says in the infirmary and out of sight, and Jack hasn’t really had much cause to be in the infirmary since he got back - Thor fixed him up pretty good this time.
“I want them to go with us,” Elizabeth says quietly.
“What?”
“The clones. I want them to go to Atlantis with us.”
“They can’t,” Jack says immediately.
“Why not?”
A million reasons spin through his mind, but he finds he can’t exactly grab hold of one. It slips and slithers through his fingers and keeps spinning around.
“Jack, you can’t avoid them forever,” Elizabeth says quietly. “And they can’t hide away in Antarctica for the rest of their lives either.”
He likes Elizabeth. She makes him feel comfortable in a way very few people do these days. In some ways she reminds him of Carter with her intelligence and her smile and her generosity. She’s the only person these days, who reins him in and makes him face the facts the way they really are. She doesn’t let him hide from his demons, and even though he wants to tell her to mind her own business, he’s secretly grateful for her interference.
“What will they do in Atlantis, Liz?” he asks her. “Would they even want to go?”
“Janet does.”
“She does?”
Liz nodded. “She feels awkward here, and I can’t say I blame her for feeling that way. I imagine it’s the reason the others haven’t insisted on returning to the SGC yet, even though I know for a fact Teal’c and the younger Jack are both bored.”
“I thought my clone was firing up the Ancient’s toys for them all,” Jack pointed out.
“He was, until we found Major Sheppard. That’s another reason why I want them to come along - the more people we have with the Ancient’s gene, the better our chance of success is. Carson Beckett has the gene, but I’m sure you’ve worked out what’s he like based on the reports you’ve been getting.”
“Yes,” Jack agrees, hiding a smile. “I’m sure trying to shoot Hammond out of the sky with a drone went down really well.”
He can see Liz fighting to hide her mirth too. “Well, I think Carson is quite happy to be leaving this galaxy fairly soon.”
Jack grins broadly at the image of Hammond dressing down the Scottish doctor.
“If I asked them, and they agree, will you authorize their being a part of this mission?”
“Daniel would sell his soul to go,” Jack murmurs, studying the wood of his new desk. “You’ve already got McKay, and I know Carter and McKay don’t get along well.”
“McKay doesn’t get along well with most people.”
“Teal’c won’t go.”
“He won’t?”
“He’s loyal to the Jaffa. If Teal’c won’t go, I can’t see my clone going.”
“But if they say yes?”
Jack stands up and moves over to the star chart, letting his eyes rest on it. “They’re not technically a part of the SGC anymore,” Jack points out.
“They’re not really a part of anything anymore. Let them go, Jack. This way they at least have a chance of having their own lives again.”
“If they agree, yes.”
“Thank you, Jack.”
Liz lets herself out, leaving him staring at the star chart. It was easy to ignore the clones when he didn’t have to see them or acknowledge their existence. But Elizabeth is right, he thinks, they deserve a choice about what they want to do and where they want to go.
Jack tries not to think about why the thought of them going to another galaxy without him hurts as much as it does; they’re not really his team, they’re copies. Fakes.
Jack stands alone before the star chart, and tries to remember all the planets they visited together before he was the last one left. He’s a General now, and it’s unlikely he’ll do a lot of traveling anymore. Jack doesn’t mind, he doesn’t particularly want to go off-world anymore.
---
Jack wakes up early, much earlier than he needs to. He hasn’t had much sleep, but he doesn’t think he could sleep anymore. He rolls out of bed, wincing as his bad knee sends tongues of pain licking up his leg, and dresses slowly, trying not to antagonize the pain.
The halls of the SGC are deceptively calm and quiet - Jack knows in a few hours time this place will see more activity than it’s ever seen before. He walks along the halls aimlessly; the SF’s on watch nod as he passes, but other than the sound of his boots on the concrete it’s quiet.
He finds himself outside Carter’s lab by accident. He hovers at her door indecisively for several seconds, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, before he jams his hands into his pockets and turns away. He almost starts walking away before he realizes there’s a thin crack of light beneath the door.
His palms feel sweaty and his heart thumps uncomfortably in his chest for several long seconds before he comes to his senses. Carter’s been dead for almost a year. This isn’t Carter’s lab anymore, and she isn’t in there working on some piece of technology when she should be sleeping.
Jack’s fists clench in his pockets, and he turns away abruptly, marching for the elevators. Outside the air is frigid, but the sky is clear and he can see the stars mapped on his star chart. He walks through the car park and onto a snow-covered track leading to a look out offering a view of the valley. He’s not interested in the valley though; he wants to see the stars tonight.
And apparently, he realizes as the look-out appears in sight, he’s not the only one with that desire. Long blond hair is pulled back into a messy knot at the base of her skull, and she looks a lot smaller and frailer than he’d thought possible. Jack’s almost tempted to turn around and leave - he doesn’t particularly want to deal with a fake Carter under starlight.
“It’s very clear out here tonight,” she says, and he knows he’s been discovered.
“Roads will be icy tomorrow,” he says, hesitating on the track.
“Do you regret anything?” she asks him.
“What do you mean?”
“She died. I died. Are there things you regret?”
Yes, he thinks, trying to ignore the fist of pain ramming him in his gut. Yes, there are lots of things he regrets. He regrets leaving things unsaid in a room. He regrets letting her die. He regrets not telling her about the time he kissed her. Most of all, he regrets never really knowing Sam the woman. He wonders what she would have been like without the military and ranks and rules between them.
“I regret this,” she says quietly. She still hasn’t looked at him, or pulled her gaze from the sky.
“What?”
“Allowing myself to be cloned. Convincing Hammond, against his better judgment, that cloning us was a good idea.”
“Why did you do it?” he asks.
She laughs, the sound like broken glass between them. “I’m egocentric like that,” she says quietly. “And I thought maybe you would be happy.”
“Am I?”
“No.”
Jack watches her as she pulls her arms tighter around her waist. “I never was very smart, Carter,” he says quietly.
“Apparently, neither was I.”
“He’s lucky,” Jack whispers, fighting the sudden burning in his eyes.
“How can you say that?” she demands. “How can you say being a clone is lucky?”
“Because he still has you. All of you.”
Finally she turns to face him; he’s amazed to see her cheeks are as wet as his own. “Did she ever tell you?” she asks hoarsely, her voice too old to be hers.
Jack doesn’t pretend ignorance; now is not the time. “No.”
“She should have. I regret that.”
“How did she feel?” he whispers, his voice carrying over the crystal stillness of the night air.
“She loved you. She loved you enough to give everything up for you.”
Jack didn’t think it was possible to hurt anymore, or to feel anymore broken inside, but he was wrong. Her words stab him with a hundred thousand more regrets, and he shuts his eyes to try and hide from her.
“I still love you,” she whispers, suddenly in front of him and close to him. “I think I always will, even when I try to pretend I don’t.”
She’s so much smaller than he remembers, when he takes her into his arms, but she still smells the same. He buries his nose in her hair and breathes her in like perfume, closing his eyes until he’s surrounded by her scent and the warmth of her body in his arms. “You should tell him that some time,” Jack tells her, tangling his fingers in her hair. “He doesn’t really believe it.”
“I’m sorry.” She’s crying against him, her tears hot against his neck. “I’m so sorry, Jack. I’m sorry.’
“Me too,” he murmurs, rocking her.
He’s holding the woman he loves in his arms but she’s not his anymore. He missed his chance, but maybe in another lifetime in another galaxy he’ll get another shot at it. He presses his lips against hers, once, and tastes the saltiness of her tears and the bitterness of her regret. She rests small fingers against his rough cheeks, her forehead presses tightly against his. Her breath is sweet and minty, and Jack wishes that this was real.
“Tell him,” he says. “Don’t regret it a second time.”
She kisses his cheek gently, and wipes a tear from his cheek with her thumb. “You take care of yourself,” she tells him. “I’m not here to look after you now.”
“I will,” he promises.
“And take care of my Dad too,” she whispers.
“You take care of me,” he says, smiling. “And don’t let me walk all over you.”
She smiles, smug, despite her tears. “I never did, sir, I never did.”
He watches her walk back to the SGC, blond hair glinting silver in the moonlight like a ghost, and things maybe he doesn’t regret quite as much as he did before.
eight
The gate room is rarely this full of people and equipment. Standing out of the way beside a wall Jack watches the activity around them silently. It feels very wrong and very lazy to be standing aside and watching everyone moving crates and equipment and gear around, but Jack is not as big or as strong as he was, and he’ll get in the way more than he would help.
“So you’re Jack O’Neill?”
He recognizes Colonel Sumner more by reputation than personal knowledge. “One of them,” he admits, studying the man.
“I can’t get a straight answer out of Dr. Weir why exactly you and your friends are on this mission.”
“Guess that makes two of us then.”
Sumner studies him suspiciously; Jack doesn’t think he cares much for the Colonel and keeps his face bland.
“I am in charge of this mission,” Sumner says.
“I thought Dr. Weir held that position.”
“I’m just letting you know how things lie, Colonel O’Neill.”
“I’m not a Colonel anymore, I’m a General. Though, technically, it’s not really me,” Jack says calmly. “I’m not interested in taking your command, Colonel. I’m just along for the ride.”
Sumner eyes him suspiciously for several minutes longer, and sniffs as though Jack is a bad smell. He spins on his heel and walks off, and Jack wonders who on earth assigned that man command of Atlantis’ military force. Jack’s not lying though - the last thing he wants to do is be in any position of command.
To be honest, other than telling him they needed his Ancient gene and his ‘broad experience’ Liz never gave him a satisfactory explanation as to why she wanted him along, and Jack’s not sure why he agreed. Maybe because if Daniel, Carter and Janet were going, he’d be left by himself. As difficult as things are between him and Carter at the moment, the last thing Jack wants to be is by himself.
He wonders how Teal’c will cope with being a lone clone amongst the Jaffa. Things are different with the Jaffa though, and Teal’c will be accepted as a warrior if he can prove his skills. It’s not like the human culture where your age determined your acceptance and ability.
“I see Colonel Sumner made another friend.”
Jack looks at John Sheppard, and raises his eyebrows. “Obviously I have a very charming personality.”
Sheppard snorts. “About as charming as mine.”
“That way, is it?”
Sheppard shrugs, and stares at the Stargate. “I’m not sure this is a good idea, Jack,” he says.
Jack likes Sheppard - he sees a lot of himself in the younger man, and appreciates Sheppard’s ‘no one gets left behind’ attitude. Of course, the man is a lot more sarcastic and casual than Jack is (or so Jack likes to tell himself), and by the way he antagonizes most of the brass, Jack doesn’t think Sheppard will make it much above Colonel.
Then again, Jack’s made it to Brigadier General.
“You don’t have to go,” Jack tells Sheppard, also turning to look at the Stargate. “You can just live your life flying choppers to and from the Antarctic. I’m sure it won’t get much more exciting than dodging stray drones.”
“What was it like, going through the Stargate?”
What was it like. It was unlike anything Jack had ever done before, and he used to think he’d never do anything as exciting. He was wrong though; being a part of an exploration party going to a different galaxy was just as exciting and thrilling as being a part of the SGC. Jack hasn’t realized just how much he has been looking forward to going to Atlantis since it was suggested to him.
“It made my life worth living,” he says finally. “And it’s going to make it worth living again.”
Sheppard comes across as stupid to a lot of people, Jack’s realized, because he employs the same tactics of humor to deflect anything that could get too close. Jack sees right through Sheppard, and Sheppard sees right through Jack. “What about Sam?” Sheppard asks.
Jack eyes Sheppard thoughtfully. He doesn’t like Sheppard calling her Sam. “I think she’s just happy to be doing something useful,” Jack says. “She didn’t like not being involved.”
“Why did they all do it?” Shep asks.
“What?”
“Clone themselves?”
Jack shrugs. “I never really asked.”
“I wouldn’t have cloned myself for anyone,” Shep says with a shrug. “No one’s that important to me that I’d just waltz off to live another life for them.”
Jack wonders who exactly Shep has been talking to, and what he’s getting at. “I didn’t ask them to,” he says defensively.
Shep shrugs again. “No one asked me to break the rules for my guys either,” Shep points out. “I still did it.”
Because he cared, Jack realizes. Not just because of duty or honor or some misguided sense of heroism, but because he cared about his team mates.
“Liz said this mission would be a new chance for everyone,” Shep continues. “She said it’s a way to get beyond past mistakes and look to the future. A new life to live.”
“And that won you over?” Jack asks doubtfully.
“No,” Shep says honestly. “You convinced me, actually.”
“Me?”
“The older you.”
“Oh.”
“And you just made me realize you were right.”
“I did?”
“You did.”
Shep salutes with a smile and wonders off to annoy someone else. Jack stares at the Stargate and thinks about a new team and a new life and moving beyond past mistakes and regrets.
Liz is smarter than he thought, Jack decides. Now he’s just got to figure out why she’s insisted on McKay going along when Carter’s also there.
---
Elizabeth’s speech is moving and perfect. From their positions at the back of the room, Jack can see the way the people respond to her words. Even the marines look impressed and happy and ready to go find another galaxy.
He’s standing against a wall with Teal’c on one side and Carter on the other. Teal’c is holding his staff weapon and looking somber - Jack wonders if Teal’c is having second thoughts about staying behind and going back to the Jaffa rebellion. Jack almost wishes he could go with Teal’c, but the Jaffa aren’t his place.
Atlantis, he thinks, is his place.
A warm hand slips into his, and he turns to Carter in surprise. She’s not looking at him, but her jaw is jutting out stubbornly and he can see the determination in her eyes. She’s not certain about Atlantis, he realizes, but she’s taking a gamble because Earth isn’t going to work for them. He’s surprised to notice that he’s caught up to her in height during the last few months and feels pleased about that shallow fact.
He squeezes her hand in his, and watches the gate as it starts to dial.
The gate room is silent, and when the gate engages it’s filled with a long familiar blue light that flickers and washes over everything present. Jack looks at Carter again, and this time she’s looking at him. Her eyes are bluer than ever, and they meet his gaze evenly.
“There are some things I don’t want to regret,” she says.
“There are a lot of things I don’t want to regret,” he agrees.
“Good,” she says. “We’ll do things differently this time.”
The matter of fact attitude and quiet confidence in her eyes is surprising, but comforting. He’s not sure what happened between their last awkward conversation the day before and now, but he doesn’t really think it’s important. For the first time in a long, long time, something inside Jack slips and falls neatly into place, and it’s as if the universe makes a little bit more sense.
They were in limbo, Jack realizes with suddenly clarity. They couldn’t move forward because the future was already behind them, and they couldn’t go back to what they were because they weren’t the same people they had been. Now there is a new future ahead of them, uncertain and exciting and theirs.
They stand and watch in silence as the people troop through the gate in the specified order. They’re fairly low on the priority list, Jack knows, because they’re extras that aren’t really needed, but would be good to have along as a back up. Tag alongs simply joining in the ride.
Jack hopes it’s a damn good ride.
Finally it’s their turn. The walk up the ramp is familiar. Butterflies jerk awake in Jack’s gut, and he pauses before the event horizon, staring at it. He can remember Carter staring at the gate the first time, getting excited over the ripples and spouting her technical terms. He stands and stares now himself.
On the other side of this gleaming circle lies his new life. Not a second-hand life passed down by the man he used to be, but a new life, ready for the taking.
He’s still holding Carter’s hand, and it feels warm in his.
“You only have a few more minutes,” Harriman says worriedly from the control room.
“Have fun,” General O’Neill remarks from the base of the ramp. This is the man he would be, Jack realizes, if fate had been different. Robbed of team mates and the promise of something more.
He tightens his hand around Sam’s, and smiles. “We’re underage.”
Next to him, Carter grins wickedly. “Only on earth.”
Yes, he thinks, following her through the gate, there will be definite perks to being young again.
They’re the last ones through the gate; Daniel and Janet look enquiringly at their joined hands, but say nothing. Everyone in Atlantis pauses and stares at the gate, watching it. The event horizon flickers and flares but it doesn’t snap shut.
They wait.
Two bottles suddenly appear, rolling gently out of the Stargate. The gate snaps shut, and the blue glow fades away.
Elizabeth steps forward and picks up the bottles, examining the tags. “Good luck,” she reads from the bottle that looks like champagne. “General Jack O’Neill.”
The second bottle’s label makes her smile broadly, and she looks up to meet Jack’s face. “It’s for you,” she says, handing him the bottle.
A bottle of grape juice, tagged “For the kids, from Uncle Jack.”
“Uncle Jack?” Carter says dryly, reading the tag.
“Should have been Grandpa,” Daniel announces.
Several people laugh, and suddenly everything feels okay. They’ll be okay. All of them.
-FIN-
Go on, pander to my teenbopper desires and leave me some feedback ;)