*whimpers*
I'm so tired.
Mentally, physically, emotionally.
I'm just tapped. I've been trying to stay happy. Stay sane. Keep myself from crying.
Its worked for over a month.
My brother and his girlfriend had a baby boy on December 9th. He was born two months early and is healthy.
Good thing, right? *shrugs* It was supposed to be. It was supposed to be a joyous moment. I have another nephew. My brother has a son that he can raise and love.
And we just ruin it. There was too much money spent, not enough saved. None saved to be exact.
My mom and brother can't seem to get along.
My mom doesn't like my brothers girlfriend.
It was all of us: me, my brother, my mom, his girlfriend and her two kids. All of us in a four different hotel room, all of them cramped.
I just want to go home, cry, and sleep for a few days.
I had to help my brother ever night to feed my nephew. He has some sort of deffience with his metabolism. He has to be fed every three hours. If he doesn't eat for over eight hours he could go into a coma.
He weights five pounds and two ounces now.
I'm scared of and for my brother. He's so overworked, in every sense.
So is my mom. And we found out that she has something called spinal stonisis. I have no idea what it is, or what it means. I know thats she's had to go through some painful physical therpy, and she'll need surgery for her back.
I can't seem to get myself to care about anything. I just want to lay down and cry. I love them all so much, but I have no idea what to do with myself.
And lately I've just been lonely. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about anything.
I can't talk to my family because they'll get annoyed with what I'm saying. Or try and fix it. I don't want it fixed, really, I just want to be heard. Or for it to go away from my memory.
Just vanish.
Right now I feel like I did when I told Mel that I wanted to die. Just a for a few days, then come back. Maybe not even die, just go into a coma or some such. Except...its worse.
*shrugs* I'm not sure whats wrong with me. Even my niece didn't snap me out of my funk.
My brother going back to Savoonga made me snap. I cried quietly in my mom's cousins trailer for a few hours before I finally just feel asleep.
Part of how I'm feeling is probably because I haven't really stayed at home for atleast two months. I've been living off people, and taking up space. I just want to feel comfortable with myself.
I'm staying with Vinnie right now, so I feel better about things. But I still want to go home. And hopefully get over this feeling.
But mom said that she wants to get fuel before we go home. I don't even fuckin' care anymore.
I just want my bed, cat, stereo, and teddy bear.
Well, happy belated new year, kids.
Mentally, physically, emotionally.
I'm just tapped. I've been trying to stay happy. Stay sane. Keep myself from crying.
Its worked for over a month.
My brother and his girlfriend had a baby boy on December 9th. He was born two months early and is healthy.
Good thing, right? *shrugs* It was supposed to be. It was supposed to be a joyous moment. I have another nephew. My brother has a son that he can raise and love.
And we just ruin it. There was too much money spent, not enough saved. None saved to be exact.
My mom and brother can't seem to get along.
My mom doesn't like my brothers girlfriend.
It was all of us: me, my brother, my mom, his girlfriend and her two kids. All of us in a four different hotel room, all of them cramped.
I just want to go home, cry, and sleep for a few days.
I had to help my brother ever night to feed my nephew. He has some sort of deffience with his metabolism. He has to be fed every three hours. If he doesn't eat for over eight hours he could go into a coma.
He weights five pounds and two ounces now.
I'm scared of and for my brother. He's so overworked, in every sense.
So is my mom. And we found out that she has something called spinal stonisis. I have no idea what it is, or what it means. I know thats she's had to go through some painful physical therpy, and she'll need surgery for her back.
I can't seem to get myself to care about anything. I just want to lay down and cry. I love them all so much, but I have no idea what to do with myself.
And lately I've just been lonely. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about anything.
I can't talk to my family because they'll get annoyed with what I'm saying. Or try and fix it. I don't want it fixed, really, I just want to be heard. Or for it to go away from my memory.
Just vanish.
Right now I feel like I did when I told Mel that I wanted to die. Just a for a few days, then come back. Maybe not even die, just go into a coma or some such. Except...its worse.
*shrugs* I'm not sure whats wrong with me. Even my niece didn't snap me out of my funk.
My brother going back to Savoonga made me snap. I cried quietly in my mom's cousins trailer for a few hours before I finally just feel asleep.
Part of how I'm feeling is probably because I haven't really stayed at home for atleast two months. I've been living off people, and taking up space. I just want to feel comfortable with myself.
I'm staying with Vinnie right now, so I feel better about things. But I still want to go home. And hopefully get over this feeling.
But mom said that she wants to get fuel before we go home. I don't even fuckin' care anymore.
I just want my bed, cat, stereo, and teddy bear.
Well, happy belated new year, kids.