Is your body built just like coke bottle?...More like a coke can, actually.
Mmkay. I went on a trip to Anchorage. There are going to be two entries, one the trip to Anchorage, the second is the trip back to Seward. I felt like typing and this is what happened.
Sept. 4 12:45AM
I mentioned a few entries ago that I think I’ve become apathetic, this is a recent example of it. I was half asleep and my mom was telling me about a house that had caught fire near our own. It was an old friend of ours house. She was telling me that the house had burned down. The first thing out of my mouth was “Who died?”. I felt terrible when I woke up fully a few hours later, but she answered really quickly, so I’m guessing my apathy is being noticed. I barely have any reaction to death anymore. I care about the people around me when it happens.
The week or so before this happened I was told my cousin shot himself in the stomach attempting to kill himself. I didn’t feel anything. I thought he was stupid for shooting himself in the stomach, its not going to kill him, unless he sits there and bleeds to death. I only started feeling bad because his aunt, one of my close cousins was staying with us and she was kind of trippin’.
I’m not sure if this reaction is a defense mechanism and I do feel something but I’m just trying to protect myself from it. Or if I have just been desensitized.
It worries me quite a bit. I know I still feel. I cried like a newborn when my brother left last week. So there is that, but death and/or serious injury doesn’t surprise me. Only if I’m extremely close to the person, or it hurts someone I am extremely close to. Anything else and it just passes over my head and I forget about it.
My mom and I are bringing my mothers cousins to Anchorage because Laura’s (my mom’s cousin) nephews were in a four wheeling accident. They are seven and nine and were driving the ATV, apparently they hit a house. My mom keeps saying stuff like they shouldn’t have been driving. I was driving those at the same age. I was never in any accident, but I wasn’t exactly safe about it. I told my mom that but she just ignores me and tries to make her point. *shrugs*
Sept. 4 9:36PM
I’m so very tired. I got about an hour and half of sleep for the day. We’re heading back to Seward right now. We’re bringing Leah with us. I’m not sure when we’re going back to Anchorage, but I don’t think I want to go. I’m so sick of the drama. I’ve been dealing with it for… ever. *shrugs* And with my sister back my mom’s drama increases ten fold.
My sister called the cops on my cousins boyfriend the night we came into town. I haven’t really discovered why. Its all very she said, but she said, but THEN they said. *nod*. My other cousin just moved back into her house cause her husband took off for couple days to…I don’t have an English word for it. Anyway. And I’m still not on great terms with the people that I normally stay with. So I just didn’t sleep and stayed up watching the “Dark Angel” and “Law and Order: SVU” marathons. Good shit, good shit.
My niece is getting so big. She was gone for a month, and I swear she doesn’t look the same. She only remembered me from my bracelets. *smirk* At least they serve a purpose.
I have a lot of random stuff in my head, man. So I’ll just go through it, I have a two hour drive ahead of me anyway.
1. I’ve been talking to this sixteen year old guy from Michigan, and we were volleying questions. He asked me about relationships. I said I’ve never had one, which is true. He told me he was sorry for me. I have no idea what he had to be sorry about. On top of the fact that one has never come my way, I haven’t really wanted one. As a kid till…now, I’ve been a listener for my cousins/friends. I hear a lot of stuff about relationships that aren’t pleasant. So they don’t seem that great in my mind. This brings up the question of love. Because he said the main reason he felt sorry was I hadn’t found love. *shrugs* I don’t understand the thought of loving someone. I love most of my family, I love my friends. I have never loved someone romantically and I don’t understand what it is supposed to feel like. Melon and I were discussing it while riding in the car. She had no idea. She was telling me her mother compared it to the love Melon has for her daughter. It seems quite different. I asked my mom about it and she ignored me. So we asked my sister, love connoisseur, she said it was a euphoric feeling. I told her I get that same feeling after staying up for a week. She said it was like that. I don’t believe her *Cackle*. I’m not sure what to believe/think on that one, so its bugging me.
2. The drama my family has always leaves me with a giant headache. A few weeks ago I was going to stay at my cousin Carl’s home. But his wife told me that my mom isn’t welcome. Where my mom isn’t welcome I don’t feel welcome. I know that Carl and his wife don’t mind me at all, but they don’t particularly like my mother. So I haven’t been spending time there. Normally every time I’m in Anchorage I’m at their house. But since that week I feel very uncomfortable there. Which really fuckin’ sucks because my niece and sister stay there. So if I want to see my niece I basically have to suck it up. *sighs* Its just extremely annoying. I
I just heard that Carl’s wife is pregnant. She miscarried during her last pregnancy and acted like it was every other person with a newborn or a pregnant woman’s fault. I realize that she was grieving but she was a down right bitch. So I’m really scared about this pregnancy, my niece lives there after all.
3. On the trip to Anchorage and seemingly on the trip back to Seward my mom and her cousin have been speaking my mom’s native language. Yupik. Last week I was sleep deprived, on morphine and had a bad ass case of gas (Apparently morphine does this to you. Its not worth the little high it brings with it) so I made Melon walk around with me. While we were walking I told Melon to teach me some Yupik sentences. I always thought it would be very hard to learn because I don’t think I say things correctly. Melon was saying that I said most of it very well. I really do want to learn the language. I understand most of it, but speaking it has always been a problem because I feel inadequate at the certain dialect you have to have.
4. My mom drove in the dark on the way up to Anchorage, with a slightly bum shoulder. There wasn’t much traffic considering it was 12 in the evening. But tonight on our trip back to Seward, its dark, raining, my mom was emotional stressed by my sister about a half hour before we left, and the weekend traffic are all heading back to Anchorage. I was pretty damn worried the first time, but now I’m just annoyed. My mom can’t drive well in the dark at all, and she just keeps doing it. *sighs* Whatever.
5. I really miss my brother, so I’ve been depressed. The weird thing is I never actually *feel* depressed I just start to develop strange sleeping patterns. To most its hard to see a difference between my ’normal’ sleeping patterns and my depression sleeps. I can always tell the difference because…I’m the one doing it. But yeah, there is that that’s bugging me.
I’ve ran out of stuff to randomly talk about and I want to smoke a cigarette so I’m going to close this down.
Sept. 4 12:45AM
I mentioned a few entries ago that I think I’ve become apathetic, this is a recent example of it. I was half asleep and my mom was telling me about a house that had caught fire near our own. It was an old friend of ours house. She was telling me that the house had burned down. The first thing out of my mouth was “Who died?”. I felt terrible when I woke up fully a few hours later, but she answered really quickly, so I’m guessing my apathy is being noticed. I barely have any reaction to death anymore. I care about the people around me when it happens.
The week or so before this happened I was told my cousin shot himself in the stomach attempting to kill himself. I didn’t feel anything. I thought he was stupid for shooting himself in the stomach, its not going to kill him, unless he sits there and bleeds to death. I only started feeling bad because his aunt, one of my close cousins was staying with us and she was kind of trippin’.
I’m not sure if this reaction is a defense mechanism and I do feel something but I’m just trying to protect myself from it. Or if I have just been desensitized.
It worries me quite a bit. I know I still feel. I cried like a newborn when my brother left last week. So there is that, but death and/or serious injury doesn’t surprise me. Only if I’m extremely close to the person, or it hurts someone I am extremely close to. Anything else and it just passes over my head and I forget about it.
My mom and I are bringing my mothers cousins to Anchorage because Laura’s (my mom’s cousin) nephews were in a four wheeling accident. They are seven and nine and were driving the ATV, apparently they hit a house. My mom keeps saying stuff like they shouldn’t have been driving. I was driving those at the same age. I was never in any accident, but I wasn’t exactly safe about it. I told my mom that but she just ignores me and tries to make her point. *shrugs*
Sept. 4 9:36PM
I’m so very tired. I got about an hour and half of sleep for the day. We’re heading back to Seward right now. We’re bringing Leah with us. I’m not sure when we’re going back to Anchorage, but I don’t think I want to go. I’m so sick of the drama. I’ve been dealing with it for… ever. *shrugs* And with my sister back my mom’s drama increases ten fold.
My sister called the cops on my cousins boyfriend the night we came into town. I haven’t really discovered why. Its all very she said, but she said, but THEN they said. *nod*. My other cousin just moved back into her house cause her husband took off for couple days to…I don’t have an English word for it. Anyway. And I’m still not on great terms with the people that I normally stay with. So I just didn’t sleep and stayed up watching the “Dark Angel” and “Law and Order: SVU” marathons. Good shit, good shit.
My niece is getting so big. She was gone for a month, and I swear she doesn’t look the same. She only remembered me from my bracelets. *smirk* At least they serve a purpose.
I have a lot of random stuff in my head, man. So I’ll just go through it, I have a two hour drive ahead of me anyway.
1. I’ve been talking to this sixteen year old guy from Michigan, and we were volleying questions. He asked me about relationships. I said I’ve never had one, which is true. He told me he was sorry for me. I have no idea what he had to be sorry about. On top of the fact that one has never come my way, I haven’t really wanted one. As a kid till…now, I’ve been a listener for my cousins/friends. I hear a lot of stuff about relationships that aren’t pleasant. So they don’t seem that great in my mind. This brings up the question of love. Because he said the main reason he felt sorry was I hadn’t found love. *shrugs* I don’t understand the thought of loving someone. I love most of my family, I love my friends. I have never loved someone romantically and I don’t understand what it is supposed to feel like. Melon and I were discussing it while riding in the car. She had no idea. She was telling me her mother compared it to the love Melon has for her daughter. It seems quite different. I asked my mom about it and she ignored me. So we asked my sister, love connoisseur, she said it was a euphoric feeling. I told her I get that same feeling after staying up for a week. She said it was like that. I don’t believe her *Cackle*. I’m not sure what to believe/think on that one, so its bugging me.
2. The drama my family has always leaves me with a giant headache. A few weeks ago I was going to stay at my cousin Carl’s home. But his wife told me that my mom isn’t welcome. Where my mom isn’t welcome I don’t feel welcome. I know that Carl and his wife don’t mind me at all, but they don’t particularly like my mother. So I haven’t been spending time there. Normally every time I’m in Anchorage I’m at their house. But since that week I feel very uncomfortable there. Which really fuckin’ sucks because my niece and sister stay there. So if I want to see my niece I basically have to suck it up. *sighs* Its just extremely annoying. I
I just heard that Carl’s wife is pregnant. She miscarried during her last pregnancy and acted like it was every other person with a newborn or a pregnant woman’s fault. I realize that she was grieving but she was a down right bitch. So I’m really scared about this pregnancy, my niece lives there after all.
3. On the trip to Anchorage and seemingly on the trip back to Seward my mom and her cousin have been speaking my mom’s native language. Yupik. Last week I was sleep deprived, on morphine and had a bad ass case of gas (Apparently morphine does this to you. Its not worth the little high it brings with it) so I made Melon walk around with me. While we were walking I told Melon to teach me some Yupik sentences. I always thought it would be very hard to learn because I don’t think I say things correctly. Melon was saying that I said most of it very well. I really do want to learn the language. I understand most of it, but speaking it has always been a problem because I feel inadequate at the certain dialect you have to have.
4. My mom drove in the dark on the way up to Anchorage, with a slightly bum shoulder. There wasn’t much traffic considering it was 12 in the evening. But tonight on our trip back to Seward, its dark, raining, my mom was emotional stressed by my sister about a half hour before we left, and the weekend traffic are all heading back to Anchorage. I was pretty damn worried the first time, but now I’m just annoyed. My mom can’t drive well in the dark at all, and she just keeps doing it. *sighs* Whatever.
5. I really miss my brother, so I’ve been depressed. The weird thing is I never actually *feel* depressed I just start to develop strange sleeping patterns. To most its hard to see a difference between my ’normal’ sleeping patterns and my depression sleeps. I can always tell the difference because…I’m the one doing it. But yeah, there is that that’s bugging me.
I’ve ran out of stuff to randomly talk about and I want to smoke a cigarette so I’m going to close this down.