One year and new interest?
One year ago is the day I met Kaiden. This is kind of shitty, because just last year everything was becoming more awesome by the day. Now I live in constant fear of seeing him. I haven't yet, but I did see one of his friends earlier (she's like 6 feet tall, so hard to miss). And though I have yet to see him, I could also see him tomorrow. I'll never know until it happens, and when it does, it's not going to be pleasent. And of course I still miss him. I'm reminded of him everywhere I go on campus. There's so many events I've wanted to attend but I was too afraid of seeing him. I really hate how things worked out. I'd really love to fix it. But I'm pretty sure the only way I have a chance is to not care to fix it, and I don't know when that'll happen. Too bad there aren't time machines yet. I would say more, but I've kind of said it all already. I love him, he won't speak to me, I'm unhappy about it. What more is there to say?
On a potentially bright note, there's someone in my philosophy class I may be interested in. It's a bit complicated though. On the one hand, it could end up like Rosa (formerly known as cute info commons girl) did. I did feel an initial attraction, and I should have. She's cute, nice, funny, smart, and yet when we got close I felt nothing. So I became afraid of it leading somewhere (because that's what us queers do), and distanced myself from her. I feel bad, because she probably thought we'd become friends or something, but I had to or it could have ended up even worse. I still say hi, and chat for a bit, but plans of actually asking her out have been killed. As much as it would have been nice, she was a no go. And this new one could be the same. On the other hand, I think they may be FtM as well (I'm using they as a pronoun in case I'm wrong. I figure it's the least offensive), in which case I'm afraid of being seen as a chaser. I'm not, believe me, but some people may see it that way. I can be attracted to men, I just don't like penises. And being in a large environment leaves the option for me to be with any number of different genders. I've determined they are physically female (small hands, wearing some sort of breast restraint, and they're like 4 inches shorter than I am), but gender identity is a WIDE spectrum. On a third hand (yes, I need alien anatomy to do this), they do look more like Kaiden than I'm comfortable with. Short dark hair with blonde streaks, tanned skin, wears a hat all the time, etc. They're not exactly the same of course, just similar. Then again, Alex always said Kaiden looked a bit like Claire (I still don't see it), so perhaps I can just say I have a type and be exempt from any awkwardness.
Although none of these problems really matter if I never get up the guts to talk to them, but it would be nice to accelerate this whole Kaiden issue. Sigh. It's always so damn complicated.
On a potentially bright note, there's someone in my philosophy class I may be interested in. It's a bit complicated though. On the one hand, it could end up like Rosa (formerly known as cute info commons girl) did. I did feel an initial attraction, and I should have. She's cute, nice, funny, smart, and yet when we got close I felt nothing. So I became afraid of it leading somewhere (because that's what us queers do), and distanced myself from her. I feel bad, because she probably thought we'd become friends or something, but I had to or it could have ended up even worse. I still say hi, and chat for a bit, but plans of actually asking her out have been killed. As much as it would have been nice, she was a no go. And this new one could be the same. On the other hand, I think they may be FtM as well (I'm using they as a pronoun in case I'm wrong. I figure it's the least offensive), in which case I'm afraid of being seen as a chaser. I'm not, believe me, but some people may see it that way. I can be attracted to men, I just don't like penises. And being in a large environment leaves the option for me to be with any number of different genders. I've determined they are physically female (small hands, wearing some sort of breast restraint, and they're like 4 inches shorter than I am), but gender identity is a WIDE spectrum. On a third hand (yes, I need alien anatomy to do this), they do look more like Kaiden than I'm comfortable with. Short dark hair with blonde streaks, tanned skin, wears a hat all the time, etc. They're not exactly the same of course, just similar. Then again, Alex always said Kaiden looked a bit like Claire (I still don't see it), so perhaps I can just say I have a type and be exempt from any awkwardness.
Although none of these problems really matter if I never get up the guts to talk to them, but it would be nice to accelerate this whole Kaiden issue. Sigh. It's always so damn complicated.