Theme 54 - React
Title: Reactor
Author: ZionAngel
Theme: 54 - React
Rating: PG
Length: 1154 words
Summary: She had been the only one he could trust that day, the only one he knew he could turn to.
Recap: While Tony was on a mission, Pepper struggled to keep it together, and learned just how deeply her fear for him runs. But with Tony home and safe, she's able to leave the what-if's for another day.
He wants to check on her, to peek into her room and make sure that she’s sleeping soundly, even though he already knows she is. But the little voice in the back of his head tells him not to, tells him that he shouldn’t invade her privacy and runs through a few possible scenarios of what might happen if she were still awake to see him. So he refrains, and goes to his own bedroom instead.
He really does enjoy it when Pepper spends the night in one of the guest rooms. There’s something comforting about it, knowing she’s just a few seconds away. At the same time though, it usually doesn’t bode so well for her - she usually only spends the night when something less than great has happened, when she’s not feeling well, or she’s worried about him for some reason and she feels obligated to stay. Tonight, though, she had just been so tired, and he hadn’t wanted her to risk driving or waste time driving home and then back in the morning when she could use the time for sleep. Convincing her had been surprisingly easy.
He starts brushing his teeth when he makes it to his bathroom. He’s more than a little tired himself, after that mission. And on top of that, she has, unfortunately, informed him of his obligations for tomorrow, and he knows by now that being tired will only make things worse, so he’s decided to call it an early night too.
He stares at his reflection as he brushes. His beard has grown in a bit - he hasn’t had time to shave it since the morning he left on his mission. He should probably get Pepper to schedule a haircut. The fabric of his black t-shirt is thin, and the light of the reactor shines through with crisp edges.
His eyes stay there, on the reactor, and his mind drifts backwards. He remembers his first day back in the States, his first day back home after he had escaped. He was stills struggling to readjust to so many things - to being back, to the trauma that was still too fresh, to the fear, to being around large groups of people again. To the way that everything had changed - his body, his company, his life and everything he once thought he knew. Everything he thought he was.
Everything around him had felt so foreign, even frightening, and he had quickly discovered that there were very few places where he felt remotely comfortable. The best had been his workshop, surrounded by his tools and cars and idiotic robots, all under the sound of Jarvis’ familiar voice. It was the reason he spent so much time there his first few days back, and part of why he started redesigning the reactor that night. He even slept on the couch that night.
In the morning, after Pepper had coaxed him upstairs for a decent breakfast, after he had gone back down to finish building it, after he ran into a little speed bump, he realized that his workshop wasn’t the only thing that he trusted, wasn’t the only thing that didn’t make him feel afraid. There was one other place he felt absolutely safe, he had realized with great relief, and that was in Pepper’s presence, close enough to see the shine of her eyes and the freckles dusted over her cheeks. Close enough to touch, if he only had the courage to reach out.
He’d been too afraid to put the old reactor back and go to a real doctor, too ashamed maybe. But when he heard the familiar click of heels coming down the workshop stairs, he could have cried in relief. He masked it with a voice of calmness, snarkiness, whatever he needed, but the truth was, hearing her familiar footsteps had made him know that everything was going to be okay, that he would figure things out, and that she would be there to help him along the way, like she always did. And despite a few beeps along the way, and a minor heart attack, she didn’t let him down - he never for a moment thought she would.
He feels safe and determined even now, just thinking back on the day. But at the same time, he realizes as he shuts off the bathroom light and makes his way to the bed, he feels just a little bit empty at the same time.
He lies in bed for a while, unable to sleep even though he’s so tired, for a long time, feeling that way. Eventually though, he figures out what’s wrong, and feeling some mix of reluctance and anticipation and maybe even a tiny bit of sadness, he gets out of bed again. He pads out the door and down the hallway, and slowly, very slowly, pushes open the door of Pepper’s room. There’s just enough light coming in through the tinted windows to see, and with his dark-adjusted eyes, he can make out her sleeping face pretty well once he kneels down beside her bed.
For a few minutes, he just watches her, studies the way her hair falls across the pillow, how calm and relaxed her face is, and the slow, gentle rise and fall of her chest. He lets himself think of how beautiful she is, of how much he loves her and trusts her, and wishes he could crawl under the covers with her, and just sleep with her in his arms all night long. To let her be the first thing he sees in the morning. Kiss her when she wakes. It hurts, feels like he loses some small part of himself, to know that he can’t.
Finally he sighs, one little desire nagging at him more than the others, because it knows it is the only one that can be fulfilled. And because Tony knows it too, he gives in.
“I love you, Pepper.”
They’re just a whisper, to a woman who can’t even hear them and would probably do any number of terrible and heartbreaking things if she could. But to say it, out loud when he’s close enough to see her and smell the lingering scent of her sunblock, lifts such a weight from his shoulders, changes something inside of him that makes it all just a little easier to bear.
Eventually, he grows tired again, and stands. He studies her face once more, remembering the details to give him something to fall asleep to. He leaves, careful not to wake her, and makes his way back to his bedroom.
One day, he hopes, he’ll be able to whisper those words to her when she’s awake, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll whisper them back. But for now, he feels better, relieved, and when he makes it back to bed, he sleeps easily, thinking of her just as he nods off.