What Goes Around...
I figure that this is a perfectly apt subject for a post, especially considering the mood in the rest of the fandom right now thanks to the spoilers. You have to go look for them elsewhere on this journal - I don't want any accidents. For those of you who've read the spoilers, THIS IS A SPOILER FREE POST. Do not post them in the comments. For those ( Read more... )
Oh look, I agree that things have moved forward, but there's this terrible idea that seems to be spreading that sexism is over, and women, cause they can work and vote, are actually equal. The harder stuff - the underlying stuff is completely ignored.
I don't expect rape and domestic violence to disappear, because I just think there's too many reasons why it exists. But what I'd really love is that we didn't support the offenders to do what they do. To minimise it because it's an offender they personally like and identify with.
There are great strides to be made by making men responsible for their actions, and stepping in. It's one sure way to reduce rape. In fact, look at those guys in Egypt who are stepping up and spray painting guys in Egypt who sexually harass women. It can make such a difference if we don't just make out like "boys will be boys".
That's how most of it starts for all of us. That we're told that it's our responsibility to control men, and if we don't get that right, then we're the ones who get blamed - because the perception is that it's under our control. At the same time, men are told that they are "uncontrollable" and will do *anything* to have sex. So we buy into a system we can only inevitably fail at.
Heh. You need to go to BillBabe forums. That's where she's blamed as a stupid girl who doesn't hold Eric to any harsh standards. I could find you a hundred such comments within a day. Not to mention the fact that Sookie is oft told off for protesting Eric torturing someone in fanfic because "she knew he was a vampire going in". And that's exactly what they say about the hard bite - that it's Sookie's fault because she didn't do _____ enough, and so Eric was "forced" to bite her hard. She can't complain now etc. Or even more loathsome that Sookie "wanted it" because Eric knew she hated the situation and herself, and thus that justifies him hurting her.
We have. Victim blaming makes out like we have some control, when the truth is, like with Sookie and the hard bite or the rape, we don't. That's a tough truth to accept.
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It won`t disappear. And I agree with you - hopefully we`ll stop supporting it. That would be a major step. I mean, murders still occur but we don`t applaud murdering people, right? Same thing.
Yeah, and also the Egyptian men looking out for the women who were protesting, making sure they weren`t harmed. Or the Kurds who are putting on dresses and posting pictures of themselves as a protest against an Iranian court that forced men into wearing women`s dresses as a punishment. Or the Indian movement where men are telling men who harass women on busses no. Or ... Yes, there are plenty of examples and they all make me so happy because men do this, not motivated by helping themselves, but helping the other gender. (Of course, women have done a lot of great things too - I don´t want it to sound as if only men can help us out).
My mother still doesn`t understand why I`m so annoyed with her comment. She`s, on surface, all for equality but she sure has some strange views on what men can and can`t control. It`s actually pretty insulting to men.
Right. Forgot the Bill`s babes...
But then we blame cancer victims too for not eating right. When my stepdad died from cancer a few years back, my mother kept telling people about how healthy he lived. He worked out and ate a lot of vegetables. i think it was partly because she thought it was unfair (and it was - but then life was unfair) but also partly to make sure people weren`t blaming him for his untimely death. Really sad.
And my sister-in-law, who is a doctor, keeps blaming me for my health issues because I work too much. When I ask her for the science behind her statements she just looks at me and says "that`s something everyone knows". And I probably work way less than she does.
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No, we don't. And there's great fear that we'll do that. In fact, there's a lot of fear that serial killers will be the new "cool" guys - because they have tribute sites and such.
Oh yes - so many initiatives. I had this image as my desktop for a bit. I love all these sorts of things.
I think that's because so many women have a sort of proto-understanding of what it means to be equal. I understand that, because really, we are raised with this sort of stuff. We're told all the time that men actually get blue balls if they don't have sex, and many men and women believe that this is a true risk. The option to masturbate to prevent this evil scourge of mankind is seemingly never presented.
Heh - sometimes I think that the ELs and BBs could get together and sing songs of love to each other if they just joined their Sookie hating and CH hating and left the guys out of it.
My mother-in-law is like that too. It's like there's this perception that if you do things the "right" way, you won't ever actually get old and die. Like vitamins and good living means you get to be immortal. I think we have just delayed coming to terms with our own mortality.
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So many more men are knocked down going home drunk than women being raped going home drunk but I`ve yet to see men being warned against drinking.
Yes, but I think that`s another kind of tribute. I couldn`t imagine a mother defending her son being a mass murderer but she might just defend why he beat up his wife. Or at least she might look the other way.
I`m currently reading a book that takes place in the 1340s. One of the characters is a very pious man but when he drinks he assaults any woman he can get close to. He ends up raping a woman who excuses him by saying she must have tempted him and he agrees with her (and loves her for understanding him). It`s not a love story between the two but it may just be an accurate portrayal of relations between men and women back then. We needen`t go that far back, of course, but it is interesting to read their thoughts about this gruesome deed. It`s very well written and you can understand their mind frame. Same goes with women a generation back or women brought up differently. It`s not so strange they would excuse those blue-balled men if that`s what they were told and there were no corrections in society. My luck, when my mother gave me the blue ball speech, was that I`d already learned the ridiculousness of it.
A lot of women also don`t really want the equality because with equal pay and equal job opportunities there is also an expectation that women should get out there and earn some big bucks too. And that they should be able to change tires on the car. And that they should serve in the army. I mean, new things and new ideas are scary. So many women were trapped when the divorce laws here were changed so that men were never to pay any money to their ex wives, only to their kids. Women who`d stayed at home with their kids or taken jobs with lower salaries so they could support their men`s careers were suddenly dead poor when their husbands left them. This was an overnight change here and a lot of these changes that are good for equality but bad for some women, can be truly terrifying.
Hehe, I still want to meet the Sam lovers. They seem like the unicorn to me. Everyone`s heard of them but noones ever seen one :-)
A colleague of mine said: "If you`re 50 and you wake up without any pains anywhere, you`re probably dead." I`m not 50 yet but I like the attitude. You can`t control life (or death), just make the best out of it. Pains or not.
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And yeah - drunk men? The biggest risk to them. Although I would argue it's not the stranger rape that's the risk when a woman is drunk - it's her friend who'll rape her.
Sadly, some mothers think it's warranted. After all, she didn't do what her baby wanted. Usually the son learned it all at Daddy's knee, anyway, watching his Mama getting beaten, and learning what "love" is supposed to mean.
I'm not quite sure of the historical veracity of that, actually. Mainly because Mr. Minty has talked to me about how while today we think of men's sexuality as "uncontrollable", historically, it's women's sexuality that was seen as "uncontrollable". That was why men had to lock women up - to stop them fucking anything that moved. And he showed me a fascinating piece from the 1400's (from memory) all about how circumcision was promoted in Christian men. The reasoning was that without the foreskin, men would cum quicker, and thus, women wouldn't be able to enjoy themselves too much, and thus get a taste for pleasure. That way a husband could give his wife what she was "gagging for" and simultaneously make it unsatisfactory. It's kinda fascinating that we managed to switch it round so effectively.
I agree - new ideas and things are scary for a lot of people. And of course, people hearken back to the "glory days" and forget all the bad stuff that happened under the old system. My mother, for example, was abandoned by her first husband, and got zero alimony. And was told by the local priest she was sinning if she didn't get her husband back, even though he disappeared and sold all their possessions.
They're mostly quiet, I think, because they don't strongly hate other suitors. Most of them seem to be relatively easy going, and cool with other suitors. So they fit in with us. There's one on Goodreads from memory. :D
I like that too. Mr. Minty said "Well, I suppose that's something to look forward to" in his most sarcastic voice. :D
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Oh, definitely but it`s always the stranger-rape they are warned about - and the stranger-rape they`re afraid of.
Yes, you often "inherit" these things.
I`ve actually seen this reasoning for circumcision too. And for not having any kind of foreplay.
We`re talking about a long period of time and in many countries but from what I`ve seen of church decrees etc women seemed to be divided into two. The ones who couldn`t control themselves and the ones who could. Since you wouldn`t know which of these groups "your" woman belonged to, you had to keep her under strict supervision. If she belonged to the first group, and was free to roam among men who had their natural "urges", copulation was bound to happen.
There was a class bit to it too. The upper class had much stricter rules when it came to being a virgin, about not selling sex, about infidelity etc than the working class/farmers etc had. I`ve read about church books in Denmark and most women in the 17th century were highly pregnant when they were married. In the 15th century (before we had a lot of church books), the Catholic church issued an incredibly high amount of fines to women for having children out of wedlock (or for whoring). And I just read an interesting article about London in the 18th century where 1/5 of all women were involved in prostitution. 19th century Oslo was the same but the interesting part was that most prostitutes started out selling sex when they were very young, but married when they were over "prostitution age" (which was about 20/21).
These are just unrelated examples. Long story short - the view on women`s purity was not so strict in the lower classes. Unfortunately we know more about the upper classes and thus we think everyone was a virgin.
Yeah, and my grandmother hated being forced to be a house wife (all women working for the city or the government lost their jobs when they married because "men needed them more"). The stories she told me about firing up under the ... well, I have no idea what that pre-washing machine thing is called in English ... every Wednesday and spending all day washing by hand - and telling the kids to go play in the streets.
I would like to change horses now. Could Sam please go buy a Viking sword? ;-)
Tell Mr. Minty that he has ten years (?) more than me to enjoy his pain-free existence. That`ll help, I suppose.
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Stranger rape is the big fear.
It was seen to quell the urges - and the propaganda piece I read was hilarious. It was almost written as if "The Jews have a scam on their women! Let me tell you about it!" Being married to a circumcised man, I know it's complete bullshit.
Oh definitely - a class thing too. Being a virgin wasn't so important to lower classes, and perhaps was at least the standard for everyone, and not strictly adhered to. It makes a difference if they're going to inherit a kingdom or estate, to know that children are in fact, yours.
It's called the mangle in English. My mother told me about how periods were dealt with - by washing them and putting the cloths through the mangle. Personally, I'm never more grateful for pads when I think about that. And the washing day was Monday. So in my family, we change the sheets on a Sunday as a result. :D
Well, I doubt Eric still has his original one. So they're even. :D And horse changes are acceptable in line with Sookie's desires.
He's very easy to depress. :D
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