Claustrophobia - Or - How I Learned Who I Was And Why I Need Out
You know how Desperate Housewives is called a satire - I'd argue it's non-fiction. I've been back in Camarillo for less than a year and I feel like the walls are staring to close in on me. To be fair, I know I can't generalize an entire town based on the few individuals I surround myself with but I'm really starting to feel I need a way out. Since I've been back I've only met one person, I repeat, one person who I truly respect and admire. Someone I look up to as someone I would like to be; a person of great character, vision and commitment. What I also like is if he ever actually read this he'd follow it up with either a quiet thank you or some kind of "I not so great" type comment.
The drama that seems to surround me is draining me of all my energy. Who hates who, who doesn't like who, who said what, how it was said. All that stuff is really exhausting. I'm tried of phrases starting with - "Did You Hear What So-and-so Did?" I don't really care what she did and I suppose if she wanted me to know she'd tell me. I'm over drama, I was over it during Hamlet and frankly I'm tired of playing peacemaker. I don't really know what pushed me over the edge tonight, well I do, but I never know who could be reading and the last thing I want is to stir up more trouble. All I will say is regardless of how you may feel about Obama and the stimulus package, you should at least know what it plans to do, what it is and dare I say even know the damn thing exists before you audibly gag at it. I feel like the only "No on 8" individual in the entire city. I bring this up because I feel like the only person in this city willing to look at both sides of any argument, the only person willing to admit that I may not always be right, the only person willing to look at opposition instead of giving it a dismissive puff or forced gag.
I guess it comes down to the fact I feel looked down upon for being myself. I feel judged by a handful of people who lack any real life experience or met anyone who didn't agree completely with their opinion. An opinion may I add, completely lacking any personally considered conclusions or first hand experience. Why do I feel so judged for having the fairness to not immediately judge something I don't understand? One thing that seems to always get a dismissive eye roll is my love for all things falling under the Vh1 reality umbrella. Yes, it's trash and doesn't reaffirm my faith in humanity or anything but it entertains me and has in a number of ways - no joke - set down for me a moral code that I want to follow, don't laugh, I'm being real. Not to be arrogant but if some of these people tried living by this code I guarantee most of the drama and hate/angst will disappear over night.... So here it goes, my manifest if you will...
Be real, because people can tell if you're being fake, no one is that good of an actor. Ultimately who you are is what makes you unique and stand out into the next round. The fakers are always the first to go and the ones most likely to start trouble. Don't make up lies about each other or betray each other's confidence, nothing gets you sent home faster. Adaptability is key to making a true connection with someone. When you refuse to adapt, connect or be vulnerable you'll be left standing without a chain. Be honest with how you feel, if you're mad say your mad and if your happy say your happy but most importantly be real with how you feel about others. If you don't like someone don't pretend to be their friend, cause ultimately you look like the fool. If you've got a problem with something, speak up, typically it will pull you ahead in the competition. Be true to your friends and never let things like the challenge, or promotions get in the way, because in the end you're left without a single friend in the house. Never treat another person like a stepping stone or a place filler till something better comes along, each person has there own set of desires and beliefs and it won’t be long until your across the board disloyalty leaves you by yourself. Lastly, those who stir up trouble, stir the pot because they lack the self esteem and the belief that they can win over you. Fight back or confront those who stir up trouble because most of the time they will back down or resolve whatever their issue is with you. Get to the heart of issue; in many cases your persistence to get to the bottom of it will prevent another rumor from surfacing.
Despite some of my tongue in cheek references to TV I don't think this is a bad code to live by. If anything, all the backstabbing, drama, and hate-laced text messages have led me to establish what I believe and how I want to live and while I may fall short of my own code I aspire to live it out. So why type all this out? I think as I try to find a good conclusion I feel better about tonight. I stood by my views and when I stood up for my point of view it seemed my only opposition was, a dismissive puff, a "that's not true", and an "I'm sleepy". I'm proud of who I've become and it shouldn't matter to me how a handful of frightened individuals react to someone who isn't a true to the ticket conservative like they’re told to be. Instead I've moved beyond party lines to define what I believe instead of what I'm told I should believe. So as Ugly Betty plays in the background I make no apologizes for my character or beliefs. I’ve become my own person, with my own passions and goals. I like who I am and could easily find a handful of people who like who I am too.