the one where NOW its an existential crisis...
This is what makes me so suddenly and terribly UNinterested in academia, which I absolutely loved before this year:
*People die.
*People have babies.
*People get engaged.
*People cheat on their spouses.
*People are called on to support all of this. and all of this is far more important than what was printed in quarto verses folio.
*I don't feel this way about rehearsals and performance. Those make me feel MORE alive. Even though I know it does nothing to help those people in any of those situations, it at least feels connected to those situations. And helping to work through those situations. All art does.
*But even art lacks the "poetry of practical gesture" I need to reincorporate that into my life.
*Dan says Staunton feels like purgatory. Maybe that puts too much pressure on the idea that leaving and getting married will be a kind of heaven,but I think he's kind of right. I'm in this place where I am trying to earn a degree at the expense of being unable to promise anyone anything that involves being present in the next 14 months or any money of any kind.
I hate that.
*But there is a lot RIGHT with life. that my friends trust me with secrets. with pre-public knowledge. that my fiance will wake up early to surprise me with coffee and breakfast in bed, even when he works 50 hours a week and goes to school on top of that. there's a lot of wonderful. I just wonder if i'm living in a manner that really reflects how great that stuff really is.
*I guess what I'm saying is... if they don't give me a scholarship next year... do I stay and complete my MFA? or do I pack it up and move away and live a life with practical gesture and no more waiting? The trade off is missing a year full of mostly wonderful artistic opportunities. I just. Don't. know.
*People die.
*People have babies.
*People get engaged.
*People cheat on their spouses.
*People are called on to support all of this. and all of this is far more important than what was printed in quarto verses folio.
*I don't feel this way about rehearsals and performance. Those make me feel MORE alive. Even though I know it does nothing to help those people in any of those situations, it at least feels connected to those situations. And helping to work through those situations. All art does.
*But even art lacks the "poetry of practical gesture" I need to reincorporate that into my life.
*Dan says Staunton feels like purgatory. Maybe that puts too much pressure on the idea that leaving and getting married will be a kind of heaven,but I think he's kind of right. I'm in this place where I am trying to earn a degree at the expense of being unable to promise anyone anything that involves being present in the next 14 months or any money of any kind.
I hate that.
*But there is a lot RIGHT with life. that my friends trust me with secrets. with pre-public knowledge. that my fiance will wake up early to surprise me with coffee and breakfast in bed, even when he works 50 hours a week and goes to school on top of that. there's a lot of wonderful. I just wonder if i'm living in a manner that really reflects how great that stuff really is.
*I guess what I'm saying is... if they don't give me a scholarship next year... do I stay and complete my MFA? or do I pack it up and move away and live a life with practical gesture and no more waiting? The trade off is missing a year full of mostly wonderful artistic opportunities. I just. Don't. know.