New Year, Same Fears
So I just found out that my school is now offering an apprenticeship program.
It's a two or three year long paid internship that counts towards the practicum and co-opperative education credits I need for my degree and, although spots are very limited, there are a few positions for baking/pastry. It's full time work (I could even get benefits after 6 months, although being 22 and still on my dad's insurance that admittedly isn't a huge draw for me at this time) and you take 2-3 courses a semester so that by the time the internship ends, I would also be graduating. And it sounds... amazing. You rotate between positions starting with an orientation and covering product knowledge and identification, purchasing and receiving practices, presentation and display, breads, pastries, frozen desserts, cake decorating, chocolate and candy work, sugar showpiece production, supervisory training, and relevant kitchen work (non-baking).
It's perfect. And since I've been striking out trying to find some relevant job for my internship requirements on my own... if I got this, it would be amazing. Everything solved. Sort of.
Because there's still a problem. And it's really the only problem (besides the fact that I may not get it). Me.
The idea of working a 40 hour week and going to two classes a semester may not be super daunting to most people, but to me, as someone who has struggled (and still does, to a lesser extent) with agoraphobia, this is a somewhat terrifying proposition. And I have this history of screwing up massively when it comes to having any real personal responsibility for things, even when they are things that I want and am passionate about. It is really hard not to look at this and just see myself failing in it.
The other problem of me is my lack of license. Since I have no idea where I would be working (and the likelihood is it would not be particularly nearby), I don't know if I'd be able to get there without a car. And not only do I not have a car, that time when everyone I know (and every normal person) was out doing their driver's test, I was in the middle of a mental breakdown so getting that bit plastic was basically the furthest thing from my mind. Texas is not an easy place to live without a license, even in the city. For example, if I were to be working around DFW (where there are many large hotels and such), I live about 25 miles away. Getting there via public transportation, however, takes over two hours (and that's during peak service hours). So that's fun.
Finally, it would mean committing to two to three more years here, in a city that I largely can't relate to that is thousands of miles away from anyone and everyone that I love. Admittedly, I'm going to be here at least-- at LEAST-- another year and a half anyway, but somehow this seems more damning.
And mostly I just really want to talk to someone I know about this, someone who loves me and understands how complicated this is for me but I haven't been able to yet. It's an amazing opportunity and I know I need to at least try, I'm just... scared. I don't trust myself.
I want so badly to be an adult who is able to take care of myself and have (hopefully) at least somewhat fulfilling or interesting work. Who can put money (any amount of money) into savings instead of constantly having to pull it out to make up rent or tuition or the price of a textbook. I just want to be able to do something real, something I can say when people ask me what I do, something I can point to and say that I did it and I didn't screw up or back out or let my fear get the best of me yet again.
It's just really hard. And it's even worse because I feel like it isn't this hard for a lot of other people. I know it's not this hard for my sister, because she is not that good of an actress. It sucks coming from a family of successful people. I mean, thank god for my step siblings for actually not having their lives figured out because the rest of my family (sans my mom who got so screwed in the divorce she's still struggling to get some stability back) is so on track that I just can't believe what a loser I am by comparison. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them and they all have earned it. I just... why am I not like that? Why can't I just do stuff and get on with it without having to analyze everything three hundred times and second guess myself into a literal panic attack over every minute detail of my human existence? I want to be someone I can trust to do the things I want to do and not worry myself to insanity over every tiny potential mistake.
In other, less serious news, here are the things I have fallen in love with in the year 2013 so far:
- The second season of Sherlock (Why did I wait so long to watch it? Why?!)
- Breaking Bad (I really did not think I would like this but oh my god, it is unbelievably amazing)
- The big, comfy blue sweater, long necklace, and super comfy leggings I got for Christmas (also the mini tart pans, oh man)
- The Green brothers -- mainly Crash Course (World History is my fav!) and The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, although I'm going through some of the vlogbrothers/brothers2.0 stuff too and it's awesome. I also really want to read "The Fault in Our Stars" and John Green's other books now.
- Theo Jansen's strandbeest (although this actually goes back to last year for me, it's too awesome not to mention)
- Liz Lawrence
- This video A.K.A the best PSA ever
I also just realized it's Valentine's day. BOO.