I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp...
Gloomy weather. Today I would mostly like to be at home, watching Black Books. Because... well, because I would. Okay, these probably won't be funny unless you've seen the series, but they're keeping me sane this morning.
Customer: Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
Bernard: What time is it?!
Manny: Half-ten.
Bernard: Half-ten?! Half-ten?! I've never been up at half-ten! What happens?
Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself.
Manny: Well I was born in London...
Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.
Fran: Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead.
Manny: Well like I say, born in London, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases.
Fran: Oh, your father was in the army?
Manny: No, just coincidence.
Bernard: Sorry could we do this some other time when I'm not here?
Bernard: Excuse me. There seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought, I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
Movie cashier boy: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?
Fran: Manny was something else, you know. You don't meet someone like him every day.
Bernard: I met him every day. I met him all day and all night every day. Today's one of the few days I haven't met him - and even then he still wrote to me and rang me. I'm expecting a fax any minute.
Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
Manny: We're not quitters!
Bernard: I am a quitter! I come from a long line of quitters! It's amazing I'm here at all!
Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Customer: Well I was thinking £2.
Bernard: Because £3 is just naked profiteering? For a book, a mere... 912 pages long? What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds. I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Customer: £2.50.
Bernard: That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. (Grabs book) £2.50 gets you (rips a bunch of pages out of the book and hands the rest of the book back to the customer) this much. The rest when you come back with the other 50p.
Customer: But...
Bernard: Thank you!
Bernard: (to Manny) According to Freud, it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you. We'll have to replace all our cutlery with plastic. And then I want to get you electronically tagged.
Manny: Bernard, pass the butter please.
Bernard: (not looking) This? (passes a jar)
Manny: No, that.
Bernard: What did you say?
Manny: I said "No, that".
Bernard: You said "No, Dad"! So there you go again! Projecting!
Manny: I wish I'd never bought those stupid books. I'm not projecting!
Bernard: I've never seen such projecting! It's in Cinemascope with Dolby surround. You're deranged! You need help.
Manny: I'm normal.
Bernard: Normal? (Points to Manny's toast soldiers) What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg then divides them into rank?
Manny: Just a bit of fun.
Bernard: Yeah? So you won't mind if I eat this one? (makes to grab a soldier)
Manny: Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men.
Bernard: Call a shrink. You're nuts. So is your whole platoon.
Customer: Those books, how much?
Bernard: Hmm?
Customer: Those books. Leather-bound ones.
Bernard: Yes, Dickens. The collected works of Charles Dickens.
Customer: They real leather?
Bernard: They're real Dickens.
Customer: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred for them.
Bernard: Two hundred what?
Customer: Two hundred pounds...
Bernard: Are they leather-bound pounds?
Customer: No...
Bernard: Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
Bernard: What time is it?!
Manny: Half-ten.
Bernard: Half-ten?! Half-ten?! I've never been up at half-ten! What happens?
Fran: So Manny, tell us all about yourself.
Manny: Well I was born in London...
Bernard: Stop right there, David Copperfield. If we're going back that far we'll need popcorn or something.
Fran: Don't mind him, Manny. Go ahead.
Manny: Well like I say, born in London, moved around quite a bit, saw a lot of army bases.
Fran: Oh, your father was in the army?
Manny: No, just coincidence.
Bernard: Sorry could we do this some other time when I'm not here?
Bernard: Excuse me. There seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought, I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
Movie cashier boy: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?
Fran: Manny was something else, you know. You don't meet someone like him every day.
Bernard: I met him every day. I met him all day and all night every day. Today's one of the few days I haven't met him - and even then he still wrote to me and rang me. I'm expecting a fax any minute.
Manny: It's not my fault you're hungover.
Bernard: It is your fault. If you were a normal person there wouldn't be so much to blot out.
Manny: We're not quitters!
Bernard: I am a quitter! I come from a long line of quitters! It's amazing I'm here at all!
Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Customer: Well I was thinking £2.
Bernard: Because £3 is just naked profiteering? For a book, a mere... 912 pages long? What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds. I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Customer: £2.50.
Bernard: That's more like it. Now you're being reasonable. (Grabs book) £2.50 gets you (rips a bunch of pages out of the book and hands the rest of the book back to the customer) this much. The rest when you come back with the other 50p.
Customer: But...
Bernard: Thank you!
Bernard: (to Manny) According to Freud, it's dangerous even to be in the same room as you. We'll have to replace all our cutlery with plastic. And then I want to get you electronically tagged.
Manny: Bernard, pass the butter please.
Bernard: (not looking) This? (passes a jar)
Manny: No, that.
Bernard: What did you say?
Manny: I said "No, that".
Bernard: You said "No, Dad"! So there you go again! Projecting!
Manny: I wish I'd never bought those stupid books. I'm not projecting!
Bernard: I've never seen such projecting! It's in Cinemascope with Dolby surround. You're deranged! You need help.
Manny: I'm normal.
Bernard: Normal? (Points to Manny's toast soldiers) What other grown man makes soldiers for his runny egg then divides them into rank?
Manny: Just a bit of fun.
Bernard: Yeah? So you won't mind if I eat this one? (makes to grab a soldier)
Manny: Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men.
Bernard: Call a shrink. You're nuts. So is your whole platoon.