(no subject)
Meh. January. First day back at work. So here's some quotes from Steven Wright to cheer things up:
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I can't stop thinking like this.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer...
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I just lost a buttonhole.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... Then I put wax in the humidifier... now my room's all shiny.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my kitchen.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?