Precious Mirrors: on sex
Ever since my breakup with Hope, there have been many things that have been on my mind. I have not had time to sort everything out, but at the same time, I feel like things have been resolved in a subconscious way. Basically, my intuition knows what I'm going to do, but I don't. I'm going to start writing things out, though, so that maybe I can figure out what I believe so that I can communicate it to a common individual. I wanted to sort of turn it into a short book (for my own sake), and I decided to name it precious mirrors for no particular reason except that it sounds cool. I stole the name from a Chinese Algebra book that was written I think around the end of the first millennium. I'm sure I could contort it into some sort of meaningful name if I tried. I actually, I just did. I'm calling this Precious Mirrors because they are meditations on why I feel the way that I feel. In other words, I'm looking at myself at the most precious things to me: what makes me do what I do. Social science is bullshit.
On sex: Where do I begin? I guess I will begin with my personal experience. I have had sex with 3 people. 2 of those three I loved very much when we decided to have sex. I trusted them as a partner; as someone who would have my back when I needed it. As most anyone knows, I am very emotional and sentimental, so having sex is a big big deal for me. Let me take that back. Who I have sex with is a big big deal for me. Someone once told me that every time they have sex with their significant other, it is like making love. Making love is not always passionate, sensual, and with that weird camera effect that makes things seem more exaggerated. With Hope, I can remember making love one time. I don't remember the sex. I remember that it was not aggravating. It was not trying to have the best orgasm ever. It was simple sex that felt good when the orgasm occurred, but not amazing. What happened after the sex is what made it so amazing. We laid in her bed and just talked. We didn't talk about anything unpleasant or things in our relationship that need to be fixed. We just talked about nothing (my favorite thing to talk about) and laughed. It is one of my most cherished memories with Hope. I hating having sex late at night when I was tired or when we were pissed at eachother, or something like that. I hated it when it was just like we were trying to get off. I asked Hope what attracted her to me, and she basically told me that she found out that I had been celibate for 3 years and wanted to break it from me. I will never ever forgive her for even thinking that about me, much less doing it.
Hope tried to have sex with me for a long time. Actually, it was only one night that I withstood the gauntlet, but it seemed like a long night. She basically tried to rape me, because I said no, but she still tried for hours. She was pissed and determined. I am sure that I am the only person who has ever turned her down. I liked Hope a lot, so I wanted to spend time with her. I also had a strong feeling that we would be together for a long time because I had never met someone who I felt I was so compatible with me. I talked to Mikey about it, and he basically said that if I knew I would be with her for a long time, then just go ahead and jump the gun. The emotional support will come later. So I did. It was good. She said that I was good, which made me feel nice. She wanted to do it all the time, which flattered me. I didn't hesitate, because it felt good for me too. To me, it was meaningful, and I was glad to have someone to share it with. After a couple of months, though, I started to realized that in a lot of ways, I was being used. I gave a lot of emotional support to Hope (who needed it), and along with that, I was her right hand (if you catch my drift). I was throwing my money into an empty well. I think her actions came to complete fruition when we broke up the first time, and as soon as we decided to try and work things out, she started making out with me. I knew what she was trying to do, and I confronted her about it. She started feeding me bullshit about wanting to "feel me one last time," which, of course, was the total wrong thing to say anyways. Really, there was nothing she could say, because I knew that she just wanted to get off since we were okay with eachother again. This is why I believe so:
Sex, of course, is a drug. Having sex makes you feel good. Why, this morning I was a little upset because a girl that was supposed to call me last night never did. Guess what I did? It made my sorrows lift...but like any drug, it was only temporary. That is also the difference between sex and making love. Think about the people who go out to bars to meet the opposite sex and possibly hookup. They do an abbreviated relationship. First, they do something to impress or get the other's attention. Then, they talk. If they can find a way to not sound like a pig or a bitch for a long enough time and have thoroughly impressed the other, then they go home together. They get the thrill of sex without having to wait for a meaningful relationship to develop. Now then, afterward, the girl usually wants to pursue something, because they know that meaningful sex is better. The guy usually doesn't because he thinks that getting drunk and laid is what happiness is. I guess what I am trying to get at (and I am not doing so very gracefully) is that sex is not as good as making love; it is only a cheap substitute "to get you through the day." I think everyone knows this, but a lot of people aren't willing to work hard enough or be patient enough to find the right person that they can truly make things special with. This is not a knock on anyone who likes to have promiscuous, random sex. I'm not trying to be condescending; I just want to know why it hurt me so much as soon as I found out that I was being used.
On that subject, I think it goes down simply to being taken advantage of; to having given, but having received nothing in return.
That's the end of this one. I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say, but that is the problem with talking to a computer versus talking to a human -- I don't have a way to clarify. My vow is celibacy again -- until someone I know I can trust comes along.
On sex: Where do I begin? I guess I will begin with my personal experience. I have had sex with 3 people. 2 of those three I loved very much when we decided to have sex. I trusted them as a partner; as someone who would have my back when I needed it. As most anyone knows, I am very emotional and sentimental, so having sex is a big big deal for me. Let me take that back. Who I have sex with is a big big deal for me. Someone once told me that every time they have sex with their significant other, it is like making love. Making love is not always passionate, sensual, and with that weird camera effect that makes things seem more exaggerated. With Hope, I can remember making love one time. I don't remember the sex. I remember that it was not aggravating. It was not trying to have the best orgasm ever. It was simple sex that felt good when the orgasm occurred, but not amazing. What happened after the sex is what made it so amazing. We laid in her bed and just talked. We didn't talk about anything unpleasant or things in our relationship that need to be fixed. We just talked about nothing (my favorite thing to talk about) and laughed. It is one of my most cherished memories with Hope. I hating having sex late at night when I was tired or when we were pissed at eachother, or something like that. I hated it when it was just like we were trying to get off. I asked Hope what attracted her to me, and she basically told me that she found out that I had been celibate for 3 years and wanted to break it from me. I will never ever forgive her for even thinking that about me, much less doing it.
Hope tried to have sex with me for a long time. Actually, it was only one night that I withstood the gauntlet, but it seemed like a long night. She basically tried to rape me, because I said no, but she still tried for hours. She was pissed and determined. I am sure that I am the only person who has ever turned her down. I liked Hope a lot, so I wanted to spend time with her. I also had a strong feeling that we would be together for a long time because I had never met someone who I felt I was so compatible with me. I talked to Mikey about it, and he basically said that if I knew I would be with her for a long time, then just go ahead and jump the gun. The emotional support will come later. So I did. It was good. She said that I was good, which made me feel nice. She wanted to do it all the time, which flattered me. I didn't hesitate, because it felt good for me too. To me, it was meaningful, and I was glad to have someone to share it with. After a couple of months, though, I started to realized that in a lot of ways, I was being used. I gave a lot of emotional support to Hope (who needed it), and along with that, I was her right hand (if you catch my drift). I was throwing my money into an empty well. I think her actions came to complete fruition when we broke up the first time, and as soon as we decided to try and work things out, she started making out with me. I knew what she was trying to do, and I confronted her about it. She started feeding me bullshit about wanting to "feel me one last time," which, of course, was the total wrong thing to say anyways. Really, there was nothing she could say, because I knew that she just wanted to get off since we were okay with eachother again. This is why I believe so:
Sex, of course, is a drug. Having sex makes you feel good. Why, this morning I was a little upset because a girl that was supposed to call me last night never did. Guess what I did? It made my sorrows lift...but like any drug, it was only temporary. That is also the difference between sex and making love. Think about the people who go out to bars to meet the opposite sex and possibly hookup. They do an abbreviated relationship. First, they do something to impress or get the other's attention. Then, they talk. If they can find a way to not sound like a pig or a bitch for a long enough time and have thoroughly impressed the other, then they go home together. They get the thrill of sex without having to wait for a meaningful relationship to develop. Now then, afterward, the girl usually wants to pursue something, because they know that meaningful sex is better. The guy usually doesn't because he thinks that getting drunk and laid is what happiness is. I guess what I am trying to get at (and I am not doing so very gracefully) is that sex is not as good as making love; it is only a cheap substitute "to get you through the day." I think everyone knows this, but a lot of people aren't willing to work hard enough or be patient enough to find the right person that they can truly make things special with. This is not a knock on anyone who likes to have promiscuous, random sex. I'm not trying to be condescending; I just want to know why it hurt me so much as soon as I found out that I was being used.
On that subject, I think it goes down simply to being taken advantage of; to having given, but having received nothing in return.
That's the end of this one. I didn't get to say everything I wanted to say, but that is the problem with talking to a computer versus talking to a human -- I don't have a way to clarify. My vow is celibacy again -- until someone I know I can trust comes along.