Por si éramos pocos by Belenuski - Chapter 12 (Part 6)
Title: Por si éramos pocos by Belenuski
Rating: PG-13
NB: I think y'all are gonna like this one! :-D
Silvia
(*)And she left. That’s it. She comes here, asks me for the keys to my house, makes me nervous, touches me, looks at me, says those last words to me…and she leaves, just as quickly as she arrived. When I closed the door after her, I leaned against the lab counter and sighed. Dios, my hands were shaking, I hoped she hadn’t noticed. I looked at the little piece of the burned cell phone and left it on a tray. I felt my heart racing as I slipped on a mask. The best thing to do would be to perform the autopsy on the cadaver at my side and let it pass. Just let it pass. If I thought about it, I’d get exasperated and not do anything, and I already had a lot of work backed-up.
At two o’clock, I took off my coat, my gloves, and my mask and put on my jacket. I walked out into the precinct a little calmer and observed my co-workers. Povedilla was talking to himself, with a pencil in his hand and various papers spread out on his desk. He no longer looked at Rita constantly like he used to, now he smiled easily and it was surely because he had finally forgotten about her. And it’s just that, when a love is impossible, time helps you get over it, yet you have to help time out, too. So then, my butterflies, my blushes, my nervousness…Were they because I still hadn’t forgotten Pepa? I shook my head, I definitely didn’t want to think about that.
“Adiós, Silvia,” Gonzalo said as he walked past me holding a coffee. I smiled at him.
The coffee was for Rita, who gave an immense smile when she saw him arrive. Montoya took her by the chin and gave her a loud kiss on the mouth. I stopped to think that, in the end, they would never be able to have a child together, because the doctor had told Rita that it would be nearly impossible, that her eggs were ‘lazy’ and only a very strong sperm would be able to impregnate her. There was no need to ask about Sabina, we all knew that, when it came to sex, Jose Luis was ‘gifted’.
They had both taken the news badly, but there they were, smiling, because they had always supported each other. I was about to step out when I saw Aitor walking with his motorcycle helmet under his arm, just to the right of the precinct entrance. I stopped, but he continued walking closer to me.
“Hola,” he greeted.
“Hola.”
“You leaving now?”
“Yeah, Pepa’s the one who slipped out early today, not me.”
He smiled, and I did, too. TRUCE, is what that smile said, that greeting. I decided, when Noah had that asthma attack, that I would take things calmly. I realized that there were more important things to worry about than jealousy, like my daughter’s health. And thinking about it clearly, I discovered that I didn’t need to think about these things over and over again. It wasn’t really his fault, the poor guy was just in love. Maybe this change of opinion was because he no longer felt anything but friendship for Pepa, but no, I had already decided to stop looking for someone other than ourselves to blame. What’s more, Aitor wasn’t on one side or the other, but in the middle, trying to keep centered like I once was. He was trying to fall on the mat on the side of friendship, not let himself get carried away with feelings and end up roughly landing on the floor on the other side, falling in love again. He was fighting against himself, and I was no one to throw things in his face. We were adults after all, we had to leave the nonsense behind.
“How’s Noah?” He asked. “The last time I saw her was in the hospital.”
“Better, she’s already gotten used to the inhaler. She spends the whole day asking us to bring her to the precinct, because she wants to see you.”
He smiled.
“Well, I’ve been really busy these days, I doubt I can see her anytime soon. But still…” He made a gesture with his hand for me to follow him, and I walked after him to his motorcycle. He lifted up the seat and fumbled around as he spoke. “The other day, I went to Toledo and saw something I know she’d like, although she’s probably still too young to wear it now. Here it is.”
It was a small box, red, with a gold ribbon.
“Can I open it?”
“Claro, that way you can decide if she wears it now or if you prefer to wait until she’s older.”
I opened the box and smiled when I saw the contents. It was a little silver chain with a pendent and her name was written on it with a calligraphy-style pen. It was precious.
“It’s beautiful, Aitor. Why did you buy it?”
“She’s made a lot of drawings for me, and this year I wasn’t able to get her anything for her birthday, so I owed her one.”
“Well, I love it, truthfully. Though, yes, she’s too young to be wearing silver. I’ll give it to her, but I don’t want her to wear it just yet.”
He nodded and smiled at me. He patted me on the arm by way of saying goodbye. Things were changing all around me and I seemed to be the only one remaining still, static, afraid of hurting. I sighed at the thought and got into my car.
It didn’t take more than 20 minutes to get home, and I lifted up the pot, grabbed the keys, opened the door, and threw my purse on the sofa. My stomach was grumbling and though there were macaroni noodles ready to serve, I thought about my daughter. Noah loved pasta, so I had left some in the fridge, and while I walked down the hallway to my room, I considered what I could make myself for lunch.
I opened the door to my bedroom and leaped in surprise.
“No fucking way…” I mumbled, not believing what I was seeing.
My bed was completely covered in dark-red rose petals. In the center, a white letter stood out. I shook my head.
“Impossible…” I said again, walking to the bed. Without picking it up, I looked at the letter that had my name written on it in Pepa’s unmistakable handwriting. I smiled and placed my hands on my forehead. “Dios, this woman’s crazy.”
I walked away a bit to look at the bed covered in petals again and let out a loud laugh. I couldn’t believe it! She had come into my house and covered my bed with petals, no joke! I grabbed the letter with my arm outstretched, and though I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to throw myself on top of the petals, spoiling the image it made seemed almost a crime. I opened the envelope and took out the letter.
First of all, lie down, you know you want to.
I smiled. I looked at the bed, looked at the letter, looked at the time: 2:30. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I let out a carefree snort and threw myself on the bed, making a few petals fall to the floor and some stick to my clothes.
Lying down, I stretched out my arms and kept reading.
Yesterday, I told you many things, but none of them clearly. You know I’m not very good with words unless I’ve prepared a speech, and I did prepare one, but the conversation took a turn I wasn’t expecting and I started to tremble, to waver. That had never happened to me with you before. With you, all the compliments and pretty phrases just came naturally, without having to think about them or reconsider them. That was because you were with me, and I couldn’t help showing you over and over again that I loved you.
I smiled, though not widely. I nostalgically remembered those phrases, those words.
I’ve always spoken with you about the future in one way or another. Even when we weren’t fully together, I warned you that we would fall in love like crazy; when we started our relationship, I warned you that I would never be able to separate myself from you; when we were together, we spoke about marriage, when we were married, we spoke about children, and when we had Noah, we spoke about her future…But for one reason or another, the future seemed to be cut short when we divorced, at least my future was. And we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking about you, about me, even about our daughter. And one day, when I came to think about how nice it would be to think about that future again, New Year’s Eve came. And then came another night, and another, and el día de reyes. And I was so happy that I started envisioning us together again, as a family, thinking about how in a few years I’d be arguing with you over that boyfriend of Noah’s that I didn’t like…But then I got the news of my pregnancy, and this time, yes, the future disappeared. It wasn’t cut short, it just didn’t exist. That night, I cried for more than three hours straight, hugging myself, lying in bed, thinking that sooner or later I was going to break. The only thing I wanted was to shoot myself, to hell with everything, because I couldn’t live without you.
I took a difficult breath and swallowed. I rubbed my face to calm down. I had gotten the urge to cry over a simple letter from the woman who had hurt me? The one I had also hurt? Because, it also was my fault, because the two of us played our part, always acting even worse than the other, if that was even possible. I shook my head to clear it and kept on reading.
But then I saw you the next day with dark circles under your red eyes…walking out of the bedroom of the man who’s now your boyfriend. And you know what I thought? That I had to win you over again no matter what, that I didn’t want you to be with him. You don’t love him, he doesn’t love you, and I’m sure he’s not as good as I am - admit it, pelirroja.
I laughed out loud, my urge to cry alleviated.
It wasn’t because of him, but because of what I felt seeing him at your side. Between the despair I felt over hurting you, the pain I felt over fucking things up…there was jealousy. I - who had fought with you a million times, who had gotten divorced from you, who had slept with Aitor - had never thought I’d feel the way I did with you at the beginning again, I was jealous. And that’s why I knew I wanted you by my side, because I was in love with you. I don’t know if I never got over you or if I fell in love with you for the second time, but the tingling sensations I feel as I write this letter proves to me that what I say is true.
This long and boring letter isn’t meant to ask you to be the mother of my child, which you already know I want you to be. It’s not meant to insult David or to ask for forgiveness, because I’ve done that many times already. It’s also not meant to make you feel bad thinking about how many things we’ve done wrong. This letter is to tell you that I love you, which you also already know. It’s to put that timid smile that I love so much on your face. It’s to make you blush, to make you nervous and make your heart race. Because I know that’s what’s happening, I know you feel something very strong, but that feeling is hidden behind fear. And, more than anything, I’ve written this card to take away that fear. We used to do crazy things together, and they turned out well. Close your eyes, think about me, and smile without worrying what others might think. I’m going to be at your side, always, and if this hasn’t convinced you to leave your house and come to mine to run into my arms…go outside. There’s a surprise waiting for you.
I love you.
Pepa.
I read the last paragraph again. I dropped the card on my stomach, covered my face with both my hands…and shouted. Or I shrieked, really, with a smile. I kicked the bed like a kid and let out a laugh.
“She’s crazy!” I exclaimed, still not believing it. It was a beautiful letter, an incredible surprise…And she had done it all with me in mind.
I felt so many butterflies inside my gut that I was almost crippled at the sensation. I was happy, incredibly happy, and at the same time I felt tremendously stupid for hugging a piece of paper to me as if I were fifteen years old.
I sat up, still smiling, and ran to the front door to see the surprise that Pepa mentioned in the letter. I opened the door, and on the floor, I saw a clear glass jar with a cork stopper and a piece of paper stuck to the base. I picked it up and realized that there was sand inside. Still wearing a dopey smile, I pulled the paper off and read it.
One grain for every kiss, for every smile. One grain for every caress, for every gaze. It’s sand from the beach in Málaga, from that trip we took. I dream of going back there with you and kissing you, holding you with the sea in front of us. Make my dreams come true, princesa.
I clasped the jar in my hands and closed my eyes. I was smiling and I would continue to do so for the rest of the afternoon. That’s what kept me tied to Pepa, the fact that one gesture, one word, filled my world with color and made me smile. I was denying the obvious, and I very well knew it. Yet, I still had that sense of pride that kept me from calling Pepa and telling her that I wanted to kiss her until our lips wore out. What’s more, I couldn’t throw everything to the wind so easily. I had a boyfriend and a strong fear of suffering.
“Afraid you’ll be hurt, Silvia?” I said to myself. I looked at the jar and the letter and smiled up at the sky. “This heals all wounds.”(*)
Links to the original story:
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8481210-por-si-eramos-pocos-01-11-09-23-40/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8680673-por-si-eramos-pocos-ii-28-11-09-21-35/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8848739-por-si-eramos-pocos-iii-14-02-10-0-55-finalizado/
Rating: PG-13
NB: I think y'all are gonna like this one! :-D
Silvia
(*)And she left. That’s it. She comes here, asks me for the keys to my house, makes me nervous, touches me, looks at me, says those last words to me…and she leaves, just as quickly as she arrived. When I closed the door after her, I leaned against the lab counter and sighed. Dios, my hands were shaking, I hoped she hadn’t noticed. I looked at the little piece of the burned cell phone and left it on a tray. I felt my heart racing as I slipped on a mask. The best thing to do would be to perform the autopsy on the cadaver at my side and let it pass. Just let it pass. If I thought about it, I’d get exasperated and not do anything, and I already had a lot of work backed-up.
At two o’clock, I took off my coat, my gloves, and my mask and put on my jacket. I walked out into the precinct a little calmer and observed my co-workers. Povedilla was talking to himself, with a pencil in his hand and various papers spread out on his desk. He no longer looked at Rita constantly like he used to, now he smiled easily and it was surely because he had finally forgotten about her. And it’s just that, when a love is impossible, time helps you get over it, yet you have to help time out, too. So then, my butterflies, my blushes, my nervousness…Were they because I still hadn’t forgotten Pepa? I shook my head, I definitely didn’t want to think about that.
“Adiós, Silvia,” Gonzalo said as he walked past me holding a coffee. I smiled at him.
The coffee was for Rita, who gave an immense smile when she saw him arrive. Montoya took her by the chin and gave her a loud kiss on the mouth. I stopped to think that, in the end, they would never be able to have a child together, because the doctor had told Rita that it would be nearly impossible, that her eggs were ‘lazy’ and only a very strong sperm would be able to impregnate her. There was no need to ask about Sabina, we all knew that, when it came to sex, Jose Luis was ‘gifted’.
They had both taken the news badly, but there they were, smiling, because they had always supported each other. I was about to step out when I saw Aitor walking with his motorcycle helmet under his arm, just to the right of the precinct entrance. I stopped, but he continued walking closer to me.
“Hola,” he greeted.
“Hola.”
“You leaving now?”
“Yeah, Pepa’s the one who slipped out early today, not me.”
He smiled, and I did, too. TRUCE, is what that smile said, that greeting. I decided, when Noah had that asthma attack, that I would take things calmly. I realized that there were more important things to worry about than jealousy, like my daughter’s health. And thinking about it clearly, I discovered that I didn’t need to think about these things over and over again. It wasn’t really his fault, the poor guy was just in love. Maybe this change of opinion was because he no longer felt anything but friendship for Pepa, but no, I had already decided to stop looking for someone other than ourselves to blame. What’s more, Aitor wasn’t on one side or the other, but in the middle, trying to keep centered like I once was. He was trying to fall on the mat on the side of friendship, not let himself get carried away with feelings and end up roughly landing on the floor on the other side, falling in love again. He was fighting against himself, and I was no one to throw things in his face. We were adults after all, we had to leave the nonsense behind.
“How’s Noah?” He asked. “The last time I saw her was in the hospital.”
“Better, she’s already gotten used to the inhaler. She spends the whole day asking us to bring her to the precinct, because she wants to see you.”
He smiled.
“Well, I’ve been really busy these days, I doubt I can see her anytime soon. But still…” He made a gesture with his hand for me to follow him, and I walked after him to his motorcycle. He lifted up the seat and fumbled around as he spoke. “The other day, I went to Toledo and saw something I know she’d like, although she’s probably still too young to wear it now. Here it is.”
It was a small box, red, with a gold ribbon.
“Can I open it?”
“Claro, that way you can decide if she wears it now or if you prefer to wait until she’s older.”
I opened the box and smiled when I saw the contents. It was a little silver chain with a pendent and her name was written on it with a calligraphy-style pen. It was precious.
“It’s beautiful, Aitor. Why did you buy it?”
“She’s made a lot of drawings for me, and this year I wasn’t able to get her anything for her birthday, so I owed her one.”
“Well, I love it, truthfully. Though, yes, she’s too young to be wearing silver. I’ll give it to her, but I don’t want her to wear it just yet.”
He nodded and smiled at me. He patted me on the arm by way of saying goodbye. Things were changing all around me and I seemed to be the only one remaining still, static, afraid of hurting. I sighed at the thought and got into my car.
It didn’t take more than 20 minutes to get home, and I lifted up the pot, grabbed the keys, opened the door, and threw my purse on the sofa. My stomach was grumbling and though there were macaroni noodles ready to serve, I thought about my daughter. Noah loved pasta, so I had left some in the fridge, and while I walked down the hallway to my room, I considered what I could make myself for lunch.
I opened the door to my bedroom and leaped in surprise.
“No fucking way…” I mumbled, not believing what I was seeing.
My bed was completely covered in dark-red rose petals. In the center, a white letter stood out. I shook my head.
“Impossible…” I said again, walking to the bed. Without picking it up, I looked at the letter that had my name written on it in Pepa’s unmistakable handwriting. I smiled and placed my hands on my forehead. “Dios, this woman’s crazy.”
I walked away a bit to look at the bed covered in petals again and let out a loud laugh. I couldn’t believe it! She had come into my house and covered my bed with petals, no joke! I grabbed the letter with my arm outstretched, and though I had the nearly uncontrollable urge to throw myself on top of the petals, spoiling the image it made seemed almost a crime. I opened the envelope and took out the letter.
First of all, lie down, you know you want to.
I smiled. I looked at the bed, looked at the letter, looked at the time: 2:30. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I let out a carefree snort and threw myself on the bed, making a few petals fall to the floor and some stick to my clothes.
Lying down, I stretched out my arms and kept reading.
Yesterday, I told you many things, but none of them clearly. You know I’m not very good with words unless I’ve prepared a speech, and I did prepare one, but the conversation took a turn I wasn’t expecting and I started to tremble, to waver. That had never happened to me with you before. With you, all the compliments and pretty phrases just came naturally, without having to think about them or reconsider them. That was because you were with me, and I couldn’t help showing you over and over again that I loved you.
I smiled, though not widely. I nostalgically remembered those phrases, those words.
I’ve always spoken with you about the future in one way or another. Even when we weren’t fully together, I warned you that we would fall in love like crazy; when we started our relationship, I warned you that I would never be able to separate myself from you; when we were together, we spoke about marriage, when we were married, we spoke about children, and when we had Noah, we spoke about her future…But for one reason or another, the future seemed to be cut short when we divorced, at least my future was. And we stopped talking about it, we stopped talking about you, about me, even about our daughter. And one day, when I came to think about how nice it would be to think about that future again, New Year’s Eve came. And then came another night, and another, and el día de reyes. And I was so happy that I started envisioning us together again, as a family, thinking about how in a few years I’d be arguing with you over that boyfriend of Noah’s that I didn’t like…But then I got the news of my pregnancy, and this time, yes, the future disappeared. It wasn’t cut short, it just didn’t exist. That night, I cried for more than three hours straight, hugging myself, lying in bed, thinking that sooner or later I was going to break. The only thing I wanted was to shoot myself, to hell with everything, because I couldn’t live without you.
I took a difficult breath and swallowed. I rubbed my face to calm down. I had gotten the urge to cry over a simple letter from the woman who had hurt me? The one I had also hurt? Because, it also was my fault, because the two of us played our part, always acting even worse than the other, if that was even possible. I shook my head to clear it and kept on reading.
But then I saw you the next day with dark circles under your red eyes…walking out of the bedroom of the man who’s now your boyfriend. And you know what I thought? That I had to win you over again no matter what, that I didn’t want you to be with him. You don’t love him, he doesn’t love you, and I’m sure he’s not as good as I am - admit it, pelirroja.
I laughed out loud, my urge to cry alleviated.
It wasn’t because of him, but because of what I felt seeing him at your side. Between the despair I felt over hurting you, the pain I felt over fucking things up…there was jealousy. I - who had fought with you a million times, who had gotten divorced from you, who had slept with Aitor - had never thought I’d feel the way I did with you at the beginning again, I was jealous. And that’s why I knew I wanted you by my side, because I was in love with you. I don’t know if I never got over you or if I fell in love with you for the second time, but the tingling sensations I feel as I write this letter proves to me that what I say is true.
This long and boring letter isn’t meant to ask you to be the mother of my child, which you already know I want you to be. It’s not meant to insult David or to ask for forgiveness, because I’ve done that many times already. It’s also not meant to make you feel bad thinking about how many things we’ve done wrong. This letter is to tell you that I love you, which you also already know. It’s to put that timid smile that I love so much on your face. It’s to make you blush, to make you nervous and make your heart race. Because I know that’s what’s happening, I know you feel something very strong, but that feeling is hidden behind fear. And, more than anything, I’ve written this card to take away that fear. We used to do crazy things together, and they turned out well. Close your eyes, think about me, and smile without worrying what others might think. I’m going to be at your side, always, and if this hasn’t convinced you to leave your house and come to mine to run into my arms…go outside. There’s a surprise waiting for you.
I love you.
Pepa.
I read the last paragraph again. I dropped the card on my stomach, covered my face with both my hands…and shouted. Or I shrieked, really, with a smile. I kicked the bed like a kid and let out a laugh.
“She’s crazy!” I exclaimed, still not believing it. It was a beautiful letter, an incredible surprise…And she had done it all with me in mind.
I felt so many butterflies inside my gut that I was almost crippled at the sensation. I was happy, incredibly happy, and at the same time I felt tremendously stupid for hugging a piece of paper to me as if I were fifteen years old.
I sat up, still smiling, and ran to the front door to see the surprise that Pepa mentioned in the letter. I opened the door, and on the floor, I saw a clear glass jar with a cork stopper and a piece of paper stuck to the base. I picked it up and realized that there was sand inside. Still wearing a dopey smile, I pulled the paper off and read it.
One grain for every kiss, for every smile. One grain for every caress, for every gaze. It’s sand from the beach in Málaga, from that trip we took. I dream of going back there with you and kissing you, holding you with the sea in front of us. Make my dreams come true, princesa.
I clasped the jar in my hands and closed my eyes. I was smiling and I would continue to do so for the rest of the afternoon. That’s what kept me tied to Pepa, the fact that one gesture, one word, filled my world with color and made me smile. I was denying the obvious, and I very well knew it. Yet, I still had that sense of pride that kept me from calling Pepa and telling her that I wanted to kiss her until our lips wore out. What’s more, I couldn’t throw everything to the wind so easily. I had a boyfriend and a strong fear of suffering.
“Afraid you’ll be hurt, Silvia?” I said to myself. I looked at the jar and the letter and smiled up at the sky. “This heals all wounds.”(*)
Links to the original story:
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8481210-por-si-eramos-pocos-01-11-09-23-40/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8680673-por-si-eramos-pocos-ii-28-11-09-21-35/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8848739-por-si-eramos-pocos-iii-14-02-10-0-55-finalizado/