I finally have time to do that which I like best
I got a late start to listing my favorite Christmas movies this year because lots of work & school biz. Enough about that. This year I'm doing it a little different. Instead of just ranking them, I'm instead suggesting a different movie for everyday in December that bring the Christmas spirit to you with a dash of disturbing images, silly jokes & fun loving action sequences. If you are one of the bored folks that reads my list every year, you'll recognize a lot of these but wont recognize them all! Since it's already the 18th, I guess you'll have to use this as a reference for next year...or just ignore it like most people do.
Dec 1st: Let the festivities start with the most delightful Christmas adventure ever made
Die Hard (a heartfelt story that takes place on Christmas Eve about a hardworking NYC cop that's invited to his wife's business' Christmas party in LA and ends up giving her and her co-workers the best Christmas gift ever when he saves their lives from deadly terrorists who are planning to overtake their new high rise building and kill them all. As John McClain, Bruce Willis outwits the sophisticated European criminals with his big city street smarts and caps them off one by one. Complete with a fair share of blue collar street smarts, a super-tough guy played by a ballet dancer, just the right amount of techno-babble, an exploding high rise, a giant fake corporate Christmas tree tumbling to the ground & a great deal of California bashing; it's not difficult to see why this is my favorite Christmas film of all time! This is an instant holiday classic that the whole family can sit by the fireplace and enjoy.)
Dec 2nd: A movie to remind you why you wanna be home for the holidays
Running Scared (Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a Christmas tree getting blown to pieces in a climactic shootout between a viscous Colombian drug lord and a couple stereotypical Chicago cops. And boy, does this film deliver on that! While it doesn't contain a whole lot of Christmas overtones, it does include every buddy cop cliche one can imagine and an overdose of unrealistic action scenes bound together with the face straightening humour of Billy Crystal and tap-dancing sensation Gregory Hines. Perhaps the greatest gem this film offers is a the notion that retiring and moving to Florida may seem like paradise at first, but in the end year-round warm weather and bikini-clad ladies don't compare to the dirty, dangerous town you grew up in. And anyone who's ever accused the two stars of closet homosexuality, need only watch a few minutes of their masculine gun play an female seduction to realize they're probably right. "Oh, sweet freedom, shine your light on me.")
Dec 3rd: A film to give hope to those who have lost love around the holidays
Comfort & Joy (1984) (From across the pond comes this very weird & bizarre comedy about feuding Italian crime families (in Scotland!) battling for control of the mobile ice cream business in inner city Glasgow. Stuck in the middle is a depressed radio DJ whose girlfriend has left him just days before Christmas. It takes a while to get started, but once it does, this quirky mob parody will either have you laughing or scratching your head at the strange humour. Either way it’ll give you the Christmas jollies when all is said & done. Non-Christmas soundtrack by Mark Knopfler.)
Dec 4th: If unemployment has got you down, take comfort in the fact that you’re not Dana Carvey.
Trapped in Paradise (1984) (Who wouldn’t want to spend their Christmas with Nicholas Cage, Jon Lovitz & Dana Carvey? Well, a lot of people wouldn’t and for good reason, but that shouldn’t stop you from giving this failed attempt at Christmas charm a chance. This unique film misses its mark of family friendly romantic comedy entirely, and hits the fun-filled schlock target right next door. The three main actors play jail-bird brothers trying to go straight, but just can’t resist a tip from a fellow inmate about a small town bank with monumentally bad security. They decide to hit the bank during the worst snowstorm in town history, get stranded & end up getting treated to Christmas dinner, room & board and other good tidings by the very people whose money they’ve stolen. It’s a movie worth watching if you can stomach Dana Carvey’s obnoxious antics, Jon Lovitz’s annoying voice & Nicholas Cage’s face for 2 hours. The best part of this movie is Madchen Amick, not really because of any great acting, but because I’ve had a crush on her since I saw her on an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation in the late 80s.)
Dec 5th: If you think getting away from the big city will improve the yuletide season, this film will remind you that bad things can happen in small towns too.
Gremlins (long before Tim Burton had an idea for mixing Halloween and Christmas in The Nightmare Before Christmas, Joe Dante created this little Christmas nightmare about apparently cute and well-minded little furballs turning into hideous monsters and ravaging a town on Christmas eve. Complete with zillions of funny in-jokes, cool special effects, Steven Spielberg's approval and the extremely cute Phoebe Cates (who doesn't play a slut in this film), this goes down in the history book as certainly one of the most unusual of family Christmas treats.)
Dec 6th: It’s time for the true story of the origins of Santa Claus
Santa's Slay: Anyone who knows me knows I tend not to like films made past 1996. But anyone who knows me also knows I can't resist strange & unusual Christmas jive. And this jive is certainly some of the strangest! It turns out that Santa is actually a demon who bet an angel he could best him at a curling match & lost. As payment for the bet, he's had to spend 1000 years spreading joy and gifts at Christmas time. As luck would have it (bad luck, that is) the 1000 years is up and he's back for some revenge! This magical Christmas adventure has lot going for it. Not only does it boast lots of cameos from entertainment majors such as James Caan, Chris Kattan & Dave Thomas of Bob & Doug MacKenzie fame & enough Canadian humor to choke a moose, but it also offers such ridiculous anti-Christmas nuances as a Jewish WWF wrestler (Bill Goldberg) playing angry old St. Nic, a kind old grampa who creates self defense weapons disguised as Christmas decorations & a gun-obsessed dad who gets a bazooka for a Christmas present. Most shocking of all is that it has a pair of likable teen heroes who are neither hormone driven fiends nor coming-of-age casualties. The thing that makes this gem a gem though is not that it's a monument of creativity, but that there's not one second of the film time that ever takes itself seriously! The actors deliver convincing parts without wanting you to drown in their characters and the violence resembles an episode of The 3 Stooges more than a Friday the 13th movie. The ultimate icing on the cake, though, is seeing Fran Drescher's head catch on fire, only to be stuffed in a bucket of water & drowned: something much of the populace has fantasized about since the premier of The Nanny.
Dec 7th: Don’t waste any money of acid, this will give you the same effect for a fraction of the cost.
Star Wars Holiday Special: Broadcast only once and next to impossible to find on video, this 2 hours CBS special from 1978 almost became lost to the world. Thanks to the miracle of internet, George Lucas can no longer deny its existence and will never be able to destroy all copies of it when one can simply Google and download it in 5 minutes. Watch as Han Solo bravely battles lifted stock footage & cheaply made plywood sets in order to get Chewbacca home for Life Day (apparently the Wookie’s version of Christmas.) Watch as Chebacca’s family has a 30 minute conversation in Wookie language with no subtitles or translator!! Watch as Art Carney channels the spirit of Ed Norton to try (and fail to) bring intentional humor to this mess. See the first appearance of Boba Fett in a shoddy, poorly and quickly made animation sequence that bears no relation to the jumbled story!! Watch a disfigured Mark Hamil deliver bland lines fresh out of his life threatening real life auto wreck, looking like something between a ghost and a mime with a bad hair day as caked on makeup attempts to hide his caved in face. Watch Jefferson Starship entertain an imperial soldier who's on Stakeout!!!! Watch Bee Arthur sing a Broadway-esque musical number to the regulars at the Tatooine bar and watch a bug-eyed, coked-up Carrie Fisher sing the Life Day song to the tune of the Star Wars theme. The most astonishing thing about this slice of cheese history is not that it ever got made, but that with all its misfires, all its quick sloppy, patchy writing, all its terrible marketing craziness, it’s STILL better than the new Star Wars movies. Watch it, but only if your jaw can stand being dropped to the floor for two hours!!! It's an experience that won't soon be forgotten.
Dec 8th : If the holidays aren’t making you sad yet, try this on for size
Three Days (2001) In this Family Channel original sap-fest a man who's married to his childhood sweetheart has turned into boring, selfish businessman who's relationship with his wife has become distant. When she is tragically killed just days before Christmas, an angel gives the husband a chance to relive the last three days his wife was alive. But he can't change fate and she will still lose her life in the end. Who needs to be lonely to suffer from holiday depression? Just gather the loved ones together, turn on the family channel & get the uppers ready because this yule-tide bummer will bring down highest of Christmas sprits. It can only be seen on cable TV which is good, because if this was available on video, they'd have to package it with a box of sleeping pills, a sharp razor blade and a .357 magnum. MEEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS!!!)
Dec 9th: Something to ease the stress of finals week.
Wind Chill(2007) (Quite a shocker, not because it’s really scary, but because it’s a decent film made in the 21st century. At the start of Christmas break a college stalker in search of true love tricks a pretty co-ed into car-pooling back home with him in his broken down rust bucket so he can woo her on the ride. When he takes a romantic shortcut, his car breaks down on a haunted road, possessed by malevolent ghosts that make finals week seem as stressful as sipping apple cider by a warm fire. I watched this movie, expecting it to be another digitally infected techno-turd, but was very pleasantly surprised that it used real actors, real acting, real locations, real stunts and kept the special defects, horror movie clichés and unnecessary gore to a bare minimum. Highly recommended for fans of good Christmas scares. Pay close attention to the main characters’ names.)
Dec 10th: A movie that lets you know that things can be worse than an F on your final exam
Black Christmas: (Like many classic low budget horror films of late, (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, Halloween, etc.) this too has been the victim of the glossy Hollywood remake crews that add pretty faces & fancy special effects and remove all the suspense, character and low budget grit that makes schlock like this truly creepy. This one is a somewhat disturbing story of some snotty sorority brats that get attacked one by one on Christmas Eve. In the end, the moral of the story is: if you don't want to get tied up and suffocated in your attic, then you should be able to go home & suffer through some quality time with the family at Christmas. Seeing future stars like Andrea Martin, Olivia Hussey & Margot Kidder get attacked by a nameless, faceless homicidal killer would normally put even the toughest Humbug in good Christmas spirits, but unfortunately it suffers from one of the dumbest endings in horror film history.)
Dec 11th: One of Santa Claus’ most exciting adventures!...if you’re in a coma
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (All the children of Mars are depressed around the holiday season, so the Martian parents decide to kidnap Santa and 2 Earth children to spread some holiday spirit...but Santa fights back!!! Do I really need to talk this movie up anymore!?!? *Best viewed on Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Dec. 12th: A new kind of T. Party.
R-Xmas (Ice-T celebrates the season by playing a rogue cop who teaches a married couple (who happen to be upscale, well-to-do Manhattan drug dealers) the spirit of giving by taking one them hostage and demanding ransom money from the other. When the lady of the house comes up short on the expected demands, Ice beats the crap out of the husband while delivering his usual anti-drug message. The moral of the story? Don’t mess with an extortionist around the holidays or he’ll wish you a very Unmerry Christmas. In return Ice also learns the most vital lesson about Christmas giving: You only get a gift if you earn it. Not quite as bad as the critics make it out to be, but it does suffer from a very anti-climactic and downright stupid ending, but a punk rock version of Silent Night by U.S. Currency over the end credits make it all better.)
Dec 13th: Watching a Christmas film with the crew of MST3K is the 2nd best thing to spending time with your family (actually its way better.)
Santa Claus (Mexico, 1956) (It's the age old battle of Father Christmas vs. The Prince of Evil as an exceptionally overweight Santa Claus tries to stop old scratch (played by a Satan impersonator, not Satan himself) from ruining Christmas for all the children in this Mexican Holiday classic. Santa incorporates the help of 100 children world-over, Merlin the magician and a plethora of wacky gadgets that make James Bond's look like second rate Toys 'R' Us clearance specials. All for the sake of showing little Lupita why the spirit of giving is more important then stealing a new dolly. *Best viewed on Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Dec 14th: It’s time for the annual Funk House Christmas party and this movie’s the perennial favorite.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (A nog-sipping classic about a kid that with esses his family being murdered on Christmas eve by a psychotic Santa Claus impersonator. Years later, the blocked memories come back to haunt him. You can guess the wacky adventures that follow! If I say anymore, you wont want to rent it...oh yeah, he dies at the end. *Best only when viewed at the Funk House Christmas parties)
Dec 15th: More psychotic fun from the heavier side of Santa’s mind
You Better Watch Out (Christmas Evil) (1980) (A psychotic killer dresses up like Santa & goes on a killing spree. This may sound like an old, clichéd formula, but bear in mind that this is the one that started it all. It’s a pioneer in the genre. It was first of it's kind (not counting Oliver MacGreevy doing it in the Tales from the Crypt movie) and certainly the one with the most thought & production value put into it. Leonard Maltin even gave it 3 stars, but don’t let that turn you off. In this one, the murderer is not an unremorseful psycho killer, but rather a well meaning, but mentally disturbed toy maker who ends up taking the naughty or nice idea a little too seriously and going off the deep end. Complete with a surprise ending, you’ll go away thinking it was less of a gore-filled shocker than a weird psychological thriller. Either way, killer Santa fans will get their fix with this movie.)
Dec 16th: This one rounds out a week of Christmas horrors and Santa slashyness
Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) (A change of pace in the killer Santa genre. In the one there is a psychotic killer who targets guys dressed like Santa. It’s often regarded as one of the most tasteless pieces of garbage ever made, but it was so poorly made & marketed that it escaped the radar of backlash that gave Silent Night, Deadly Night so much attention the same year. By today’s standards (or 1984's for that matter) it's just a bad movie in every sense: bad acting, bad writing, bad directing, bad editing, terrible special effects, bad wardrobe, bad production...the cinematography's passable I suppose, bad plot, bad (& real) English accents and worst of all: a main character that looks like a 1980s Gene Simmons, drag queen edition. All of this smashed together, fed through, then crapped out makes for one astoundingly hilarious Christmas memory! A must see for people who like unredeemable crap.)
Dec 17th: This reminds us that family is better than presents and Muppets are better than digital special effects.
Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas (In this wonderful Jim Henson HBO special from the early 80s, we learn the true meaning of Christmas as fatherless Emmett maliciously damages his mother's washtub (which is their only source of income) so he can make a standup bass for his band and win money at a Christmas Eve talent competition. At the same time the widow Otter, with no other means of repairing things around the house, selfishly hocks Emmett's dad's old tool chest to buy a dress so she can enter the same competition and win the money. In the end we learn that the nice guys always finish last, but at least you have family to cheer you up around the holidays. Look for a cameo by Kermit the Frog.)
Dec 18th: Some classics should never be remade…well, all classics should never be remade.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (No, not that ridiculous piece of crap with one of the most unfunny comedians of our time, I'm talking about the one and only original 1966 animated short which features the exciting art of Chuck Jones and the voice of Boris Karloff as the narrator and the Grinch. So, think about it: when Boris is singing You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch, he's actually singing it to himself. Yuletide schizophrenia is never a bad gift.)
Dec. 19th: Bill Murray should support the legalization of Christmas delight, with guns!
Scrooged (Late 80s comedy's take on the Charles Dickens classic A Christmas Carol does the parody with a great amount of comical genius and a surprisingly equal amount of respect to the original storyline. In this one Bill Murray becomes the victim of the Ghosts of Christmas when his selfish, greedy ways become a nuisance to society. With Buster Poindexter (lead singer of the New York Dolls) & Carol Kane (wierdo gal extraordinaire) playing the first two ghosts, the film makers really had to pour a lot of creativity into the Ghost of Christmas Future in order to top the creepiness bar they had set for themselves! Along with them is a host of guest cameos and fun faces. The brotherhood speech that Bill gives at the end is priceless nonsense that any fan of sheer holiday ridiculousness could love!)
Dec 20th: Classic Santa, the closer I get to Christmas day, the less cynical I become…
Miracle on 34th Street (Santa Claus is coming to town (or more accurately "The City") to make a little girl that doesnt believe in Santa realize that he does exist...only problem is Santa's a senile, alcoholic bum that gets taken to court for fraud...what gives? Why is this on my list? The Black and White cinematography is beautiful and I needed some classic film credibility to make this list look good.)
Dec 21st: …but first, I gotta watch this insta-classic…
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Notable for not only for being the ONLY National Lampoon movie that's even remotely funny, but also for being the only Chevy Chase performance that doesn't make me want to vomit; this anti-Christmas laugh fest shows the pains of dealing with all the unwanted annoyances that come with the cheer of the holiday season. Really, I only like it because it takes place in illinois)
Dec. 22nd: …and this one, to get the winter solstice celebration over with.
Hell Cab (In this sentimental modern Christmas tale, a depressed Chicago cabbie (originally from Rockford, IL) who hates his life more with every passing moment sees joy in other people's misery as he hauls every walk of life you can think of around Chicago one hectic Winter Solstice day (a few days before Christmas.) Whenever he thinks he has it bad, he picks up someone who's always got it worse. And that's enough to put a light in his heart. And isn't that what the Christmas season is all about?...of course Jesus & Santa aren't mentioned at all, but the entire cast is comprised of Chicago-born actors including such notables as Michael Ironside, Laurie Metcalf, Gillian Anderson, Julianne Moore & John Cusack!! The original title was Chicago Cab, but for some reason it was renamed and marketed on video as a horror film, which it is not.)
Dec. 23rd: Just two days till Christmas!! I’m too excited!!
Santa Claus: The Movie (From Jeanotte Schwarc, the esteemed director of Jaws 2 and Supergirl, comes this little bit of magical celluloid focusing on Santa Claus' search for a renegade helper elf (played terrifically by the late Dudley Moore) gone AWOL due to lack of respect from the big man. The Elf flees to New York City to find refuge under the employment of John Lithgow's deliciously evil character B.Z.'s toy company. It doesn't take long for Patch, the elf, to discover that B.Z. is up to no good. Meanwhile Santa Claus has befriended a young, homeless NYC street kid to help find Patch. It just happens to turn out that out of 3 million+ young ladies in the big apple, the homeless kid has a crush on none other than B.Z.'s niece! In stalking B.Z.'s niece, the homeless kid and Santa discover the ultimate evil: B.Z. is using Patch's magical candy canes to take over Christmas!!! Rent the film to find out how it ends. I will not ruin it for the lot of you.)
Dec 24th: Can anyone imagine a Christmas Eve without Ernest P. Worrell? I sure can’t
Ernest Saves Christmas (a stupendous achievement in the Christmas film genre. Made in the grand tradition of classics such as Miracle on 34th st. and Santa Claus: The Movie, Ernest Saves Christmas is yet another story that focuses on the immortal character of Santa Claus. This one involves Santa Claus (played by Douglas Seale) becoming too old for the job and enlisting the help of our favorite Tennessee redneck Ernest P. Worrell to find the best candidate to replace him after everyone else decides he's just a senile old man (a concept poorly ripped off, or rather re-used, by Disney years later with Tim Allen in the atrocious Hollywood travesty The Santa Clause.) Well, as you can imagine, when Ernest is helping you save the holiday you can bet there will be plenty of goofy madness around every corner. This is an instant holiday classic. The writing is excellent and the acting has not been topped by any other Disney junk to date. The only downside is that Disney forced the film-makers to have it take place in Orlando, FL which is not cool, but the director sticks it to the big producers by writing in a subplot in which Santa makes it snow in Florida on Christmas Eve. Bring plenty of Kleenex, because the scene where Pamela returns the magic bag to Santa is a tear-jerker every time.)
Dec 25th: What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than with a good, old classic ghost story! I can’t imagine waking up on Christmas Day and not watching this movie. It’s been a tradition of mine since I was 6 years old!
A Christmas Carol (1951)(At least one version of the most recycled, re-invented, overused Christmas story in history must be on everyone's list and this one's a doozy! The definite choice as the leader of the pack. It's the one that's most true to the original Dickens tale. Alister Sim plays Scrooge like no other actor: past, present or future. The acting, directing and cinematography are above excellent & far better than anything Orson Welles ever accomplished and the groovy special effects were way ahead of their time and, even by today's standards, far more convincing than Jar Jar Binks. Words cannot describe the magic this film produces. Just rent it and get the egg nog ready!
Dec 26th: A post Celebratory butt kicking Chuck fest!
Invasion USA (Long before we had to worry about Al Quaeda terrorists ruining Christmas, we had to worry about Soviet terrorists ruining it. And who fights terrorism better than George W.? Chuck Norris, that's who! He brutally proves that he can outwit international assassins. Armed with his unlimited ammo, his bullet-proof body and his predictable one-liners, no one is safe infiltrating our borders, even if they brought a boat load of bazooka's with them. It should be noted that Nissan showed that their mid-sized truck can withstand a barrage of artillery, Hummer could be in some trouble if the Army sees this movie.)
Dec 27th: Remember all the homeless veterans this Christmas season, or they’ll waste you!
First Blood: (As Nam vet John Rambo, Stallone trades in the ugly, nightmarish landscape of war-torn Vietnam for the even uglier landscape of the Pacific Northwest. To simulate the general blandness of the Washington state backwoods, the filmmakers melted the British Columbia snow (the province in which it was filmed) every shooting day with hot water. LAME! Fortunately it still turns out to be an okay film. It’s got better acting and writing than its sequels (which, I realize, isn’t a difficult task to accomplish) and Sly is able to make us feel compassion for all this guy’s been through while he’s mindlessly shooting up a small town on a suicidal rampage. More importantly, though, it has a Christmas tree in a two-minute scene and for that reason, it became a Christmastime favorite of mine.)
Dec. 28th: An action packed build-up to the new year.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service (While not actually a "Christmas Film," this awesome James Bond flick is, in fact, the only James Bond film to take place at Christmas time and my personal favorite Bond film. Along with that distinction, it's also the only Bond film in which the character gets married, the only bond film to star George Lazenby (who was far better than all the other guys combined,) the only one to feature Telly Savales as Blofeld, one of only 2 Bond films to feature a high speed pursuit on a bobsled track and the only Bond film to place Mr. Bond in a horse barn literally taking a role in the hay with a sexy Bond lady just after a scene where Christmas music was playing in the background. Well worth the astonishing 2 hours and 20 minutes.)
Dec. 29th: A cute movie to cheer up all the single folks still lonely around the holidays. (Keep in mind its pure fantasy and you’ll never meet your soul mate this way, losers.)
While You were Sleeping (Yes, I realize I lose most of my man points for liking this sappy, by-the-books romantic comedy, but there just something about it that makes me happy...and that something is the way it hearkens back to the days when you had to buy tokens to ride the El in Chicago, instead of using those new electronic tickets that you get from a machine. It makes us all remember how much happier 40 CTA families are that their loved one is sitting at home on Christmas day in their crummy, relative-infested houses getting paid nothing instead of getting double time and a half to sell coins to strangers (some of whom wont get to see their loved ones because there was no attendant in the station to call the cops when he/she was mugged and/or murdered on Christmas day. All because the Chicago Transit Authority decided to save a few bucks and stiff their employees on holiday pay.) It recalls the days when it was all right to lie about your relationships with rich folks, the days when "family" was simply someone who wasn't going to kill you & steal all your food (whether they're a stranger or not,) the days when a lonely loser could find true love simply by saving someone's life.)
Dec. 30th: This is a good way to release the stress of the family gatherings you just attended
The Ref: What’s more annoying that listening to family members squabble about stupid stuff at Christmas time? Well, you might think it’s listening Dennis Leary rant & rave for an hour and a half, but you’d be wrong. This is one of the rare moments when Leary hits the comical mark and almost gets a bull’s eye. Leary plays a cat burglar who’s been trailed by the cops and ends up having to take a dysfunctional family hostage on Christmas Eve who make the Bunkers look like the Cleavers. The family’s problems quickly prove to be far more bothersome than spending 10 to 20 in Federal prison. With verbal jabs & stabs coming from all sides, this one will have the hardcore humbugger in stitches for a good 85 minutes. Unfortunately it takes an outlandish turn at the end. But if you just watch it for the laughs and ignore the story, it’ll have you laughing till your New Years Day hangover.
Dec 31st: With a star studded hip-hop New Year’s Eve finale at the Roxy there’s no better way to end the holiday season!
Beat Street (It's hard to believe I have left this movie off my list for so many years! Until a recent viewing, I had forgotten that is takes place at Christmas time, which is really hard to do when you consider that this has (as far as I know) the first Christmas rap song ever. Kool Moe Dee & Dog E. Fresh rappin about Christmas in the ghetto and getting the shaft from Santa is hilarious. But it's not just an awesome Christmas film folks, it's one of the best urban life films of all time. It's an inspirational story about making something out of yourself whether you got money or not, even if you're a poor kid in the ghetto, even if all you know how to do is dance & spin records, even if your ways of expressing your art & your gift are against the law. But above all, if any memory is to be taken from this experience it would have to be the defest, illest breakdance scene ever filmed!! Watching the NYC Breakers and The Rock Steady Crew servin' each other on the Roxy dancefloor will make you wish it was Christmas every day!)
Dec 1st: Let the festivities start with the most delightful Christmas adventure ever made
Die Hard (a heartfelt story that takes place on Christmas Eve about a hardworking NYC cop that's invited to his wife's business' Christmas party in LA and ends up giving her and her co-workers the best Christmas gift ever when he saves their lives from deadly terrorists who are planning to overtake their new high rise building and kill them all. As John McClain, Bruce Willis outwits the sophisticated European criminals with his big city street smarts and caps them off one by one. Complete with a fair share of blue collar street smarts, a super-tough guy played by a ballet dancer, just the right amount of techno-babble, an exploding high rise, a giant fake corporate Christmas tree tumbling to the ground & a great deal of California bashing; it's not difficult to see why this is my favorite Christmas film of all time! This is an instant holiday classic that the whole family can sit by the fireplace and enjoy.)
Dec 2nd: A movie to remind you why you wanna be home for the holidays
Running Scared (Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a Christmas tree getting blown to pieces in a climactic shootout between a viscous Colombian drug lord and a couple stereotypical Chicago cops. And boy, does this film deliver on that! While it doesn't contain a whole lot of Christmas overtones, it does include every buddy cop cliche one can imagine and an overdose of unrealistic action scenes bound together with the face straightening humour of Billy Crystal and tap-dancing sensation Gregory Hines. Perhaps the greatest gem this film offers is a the notion that retiring and moving to Florida may seem like paradise at first, but in the end year-round warm weather and bikini-clad ladies don't compare to the dirty, dangerous town you grew up in. And anyone who's ever accused the two stars of closet homosexuality, need only watch a few minutes of their masculine gun play an female seduction to realize they're probably right. "Oh, sweet freedom, shine your light on me.")
Dec 3rd: A film to give hope to those who have lost love around the holidays
Comfort & Joy (1984) (From across the pond comes this very weird & bizarre comedy about feuding Italian crime families (in Scotland!) battling for control of the mobile ice cream business in inner city Glasgow. Stuck in the middle is a depressed radio DJ whose girlfriend has left him just days before Christmas. It takes a while to get started, but once it does, this quirky mob parody will either have you laughing or scratching your head at the strange humour. Either way it’ll give you the Christmas jollies when all is said & done. Non-Christmas soundtrack by Mark Knopfler.)
Dec 4th: If unemployment has got you down, take comfort in the fact that you’re not Dana Carvey.
Trapped in Paradise (1984) (Who wouldn’t want to spend their Christmas with Nicholas Cage, Jon Lovitz & Dana Carvey? Well, a lot of people wouldn’t and for good reason, but that shouldn’t stop you from giving this failed attempt at Christmas charm a chance. This unique film misses its mark of family friendly romantic comedy entirely, and hits the fun-filled schlock target right next door. The three main actors play jail-bird brothers trying to go straight, but just can’t resist a tip from a fellow inmate about a small town bank with monumentally bad security. They decide to hit the bank during the worst snowstorm in town history, get stranded & end up getting treated to Christmas dinner, room & board and other good tidings by the very people whose money they’ve stolen. It’s a movie worth watching if you can stomach Dana Carvey’s obnoxious antics, Jon Lovitz’s annoying voice & Nicholas Cage’s face for 2 hours. The best part of this movie is Madchen Amick, not really because of any great acting, but because I’ve had a crush on her since I saw her on an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation in the late 80s.)
Dec 5th: If you think getting away from the big city will improve the yuletide season, this film will remind you that bad things can happen in small towns too.
Gremlins (long before Tim Burton had an idea for mixing Halloween and Christmas in The Nightmare Before Christmas, Joe Dante created this little Christmas nightmare about apparently cute and well-minded little furballs turning into hideous monsters and ravaging a town on Christmas eve. Complete with zillions of funny in-jokes, cool special effects, Steven Spielberg's approval and the extremely cute Phoebe Cates (who doesn't play a slut in this film), this goes down in the history book as certainly one of the most unusual of family Christmas treats.)
Dec 6th: It’s time for the true story of the origins of Santa Claus
Santa's Slay: Anyone who knows me knows I tend not to like films made past 1996. But anyone who knows me also knows I can't resist strange & unusual Christmas jive. And this jive is certainly some of the strangest! It turns out that Santa is actually a demon who bet an angel he could best him at a curling match & lost. As payment for the bet, he's had to spend 1000 years spreading joy and gifts at Christmas time. As luck would have it (bad luck, that is) the 1000 years is up and he's back for some revenge! This magical Christmas adventure has lot going for it. Not only does it boast lots of cameos from entertainment majors such as James Caan, Chris Kattan & Dave Thomas of Bob & Doug MacKenzie fame & enough Canadian humor to choke a moose, but it also offers such ridiculous anti-Christmas nuances as a Jewish WWF wrestler (Bill Goldberg) playing angry old St. Nic, a kind old grampa who creates self defense weapons disguised as Christmas decorations & a gun-obsessed dad who gets a bazooka for a Christmas present. Most shocking of all is that it has a pair of likable teen heroes who are neither hormone driven fiends nor coming-of-age casualties. The thing that makes this gem a gem though is not that it's a monument of creativity, but that there's not one second of the film time that ever takes itself seriously! The actors deliver convincing parts without wanting you to drown in their characters and the violence resembles an episode of The 3 Stooges more than a Friday the 13th movie. The ultimate icing on the cake, though, is seeing Fran Drescher's head catch on fire, only to be stuffed in a bucket of water & drowned: something much of the populace has fantasized about since the premier of The Nanny.
Dec 7th: Don’t waste any money of acid, this will give you the same effect for a fraction of the cost.
Star Wars Holiday Special: Broadcast only once and next to impossible to find on video, this 2 hours CBS special from 1978 almost became lost to the world. Thanks to the miracle of internet, George Lucas can no longer deny its existence and will never be able to destroy all copies of it when one can simply Google and download it in 5 minutes. Watch as Han Solo bravely battles lifted stock footage & cheaply made plywood sets in order to get Chewbacca home for Life Day (apparently the Wookie’s version of Christmas.) Watch as Chebacca’s family has a 30 minute conversation in Wookie language with no subtitles or translator!! Watch as Art Carney channels the spirit of Ed Norton to try (and fail to) bring intentional humor to this mess. See the first appearance of Boba Fett in a shoddy, poorly and quickly made animation sequence that bears no relation to the jumbled story!! Watch a disfigured Mark Hamil deliver bland lines fresh out of his life threatening real life auto wreck, looking like something between a ghost and a mime with a bad hair day as caked on makeup attempts to hide his caved in face. Watch Jefferson Starship entertain an imperial soldier who's on Stakeout!!!! Watch Bee Arthur sing a Broadway-esque musical number to the regulars at the Tatooine bar and watch a bug-eyed, coked-up Carrie Fisher sing the Life Day song to the tune of the Star Wars theme. The most astonishing thing about this slice of cheese history is not that it ever got made, but that with all its misfires, all its quick sloppy, patchy writing, all its terrible marketing craziness, it’s STILL better than the new Star Wars movies. Watch it, but only if your jaw can stand being dropped to the floor for two hours!!! It's an experience that won't soon be forgotten.
Dec 8th : If the holidays aren’t making you sad yet, try this on for size
Three Days (2001) In this Family Channel original sap-fest a man who's married to his childhood sweetheart has turned into boring, selfish businessman who's relationship with his wife has become distant. When she is tragically killed just days before Christmas, an angel gives the husband a chance to relive the last three days his wife was alive. But he can't change fate and she will still lose her life in the end. Who needs to be lonely to suffer from holiday depression? Just gather the loved ones together, turn on the family channel & get the uppers ready because this yule-tide bummer will bring down highest of Christmas sprits. It can only be seen on cable TV which is good, because if this was available on video, they'd have to package it with a box of sleeping pills, a sharp razor blade and a .357 magnum. MEEEEEEERRY CHRISTMAS!!!)
Dec 9th: Something to ease the stress of finals week.
Wind Chill(2007) (Quite a shocker, not because it’s really scary, but because it’s a decent film made in the 21st century. At the start of Christmas break a college stalker in search of true love tricks a pretty co-ed into car-pooling back home with him in his broken down rust bucket so he can woo her on the ride. When he takes a romantic shortcut, his car breaks down on a haunted road, possessed by malevolent ghosts that make finals week seem as stressful as sipping apple cider by a warm fire. I watched this movie, expecting it to be another digitally infected techno-turd, but was very pleasantly surprised that it used real actors, real acting, real locations, real stunts and kept the special defects, horror movie clichés and unnecessary gore to a bare minimum. Highly recommended for fans of good Christmas scares. Pay close attention to the main characters’ names.)
Dec 10th: A movie that lets you know that things can be worse than an F on your final exam
Black Christmas: (Like many classic low budget horror films of late, (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes, Halloween, etc.) this too has been the victim of the glossy Hollywood remake crews that add pretty faces & fancy special effects and remove all the suspense, character and low budget grit that makes schlock like this truly creepy. This one is a somewhat disturbing story of some snotty sorority brats that get attacked one by one on Christmas Eve. In the end, the moral of the story is: if you don't want to get tied up and suffocated in your attic, then you should be able to go home & suffer through some quality time with the family at Christmas. Seeing future stars like Andrea Martin, Olivia Hussey & Margot Kidder get attacked by a nameless, faceless homicidal killer would normally put even the toughest Humbug in good Christmas spirits, but unfortunately it suffers from one of the dumbest endings in horror film history.)
Dec 11th: One of Santa Claus’ most exciting adventures!...if you’re in a coma
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (All the children of Mars are depressed around the holiday season, so the Martian parents decide to kidnap Santa and 2 Earth children to spread some holiday spirit...but Santa fights back!!! Do I really need to talk this movie up anymore!?!? *Best viewed on Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Dec. 12th: A new kind of T. Party.
R-Xmas (Ice-T celebrates the season by playing a rogue cop who teaches a married couple (who happen to be upscale, well-to-do Manhattan drug dealers) the spirit of giving by taking one them hostage and demanding ransom money from the other. When the lady of the house comes up short on the expected demands, Ice beats the crap out of the husband while delivering his usual anti-drug message. The moral of the story? Don’t mess with an extortionist around the holidays or he’ll wish you a very Unmerry Christmas. In return Ice also learns the most vital lesson about Christmas giving: You only get a gift if you earn it. Not quite as bad as the critics make it out to be, but it does suffer from a very anti-climactic and downright stupid ending, but a punk rock version of Silent Night by U.S. Currency over the end credits make it all better.)
Dec 13th: Watching a Christmas film with the crew of MST3K is the 2nd best thing to spending time with your family (actually its way better.)
Santa Claus (Mexico, 1956) (It's the age old battle of Father Christmas vs. The Prince of Evil as an exceptionally overweight Santa Claus tries to stop old scratch (played by a Satan impersonator, not Satan himself) from ruining Christmas for all the children in this Mexican Holiday classic. Santa incorporates the help of 100 children world-over, Merlin the magician and a plethora of wacky gadgets that make James Bond's look like second rate Toys 'R' Us clearance specials. All for the sake of showing little Lupita why the spirit of giving is more important then stealing a new dolly. *Best viewed on Mystery Science Theater 3000)
Dec 14th: It’s time for the annual Funk House Christmas party and this movie’s the perennial favorite.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (A nog-sipping classic about a kid that with esses his family being murdered on Christmas eve by a psychotic Santa Claus impersonator. Years later, the blocked memories come back to haunt him. You can guess the wacky adventures that follow! If I say anymore, you wont want to rent it...oh yeah, he dies at the end. *Best only when viewed at the Funk House Christmas parties)
Dec 15th: More psychotic fun from the heavier side of Santa’s mind
You Better Watch Out (Christmas Evil) (1980) (A psychotic killer dresses up like Santa & goes on a killing spree. This may sound like an old, clichéd formula, but bear in mind that this is the one that started it all. It’s a pioneer in the genre. It was first of it's kind (not counting Oliver MacGreevy doing it in the Tales from the Crypt movie) and certainly the one with the most thought & production value put into it. Leonard Maltin even gave it 3 stars, but don’t let that turn you off. In this one, the murderer is not an unremorseful psycho killer, but rather a well meaning, but mentally disturbed toy maker who ends up taking the naughty or nice idea a little too seriously and going off the deep end. Complete with a surprise ending, you’ll go away thinking it was less of a gore-filled shocker than a weird psychological thriller. Either way, killer Santa fans will get their fix with this movie.)
Dec 16th: This one rounds out a week of Christmas horrors and Santa slashyness
Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) (A change of pace in the killer Santa genre. In the one there is a psychotic killer who targets guys dressed like Santa. It’s often regarded as one of the most tasteless pieces of garbage ever made, but it was so poorly made & marketed that it escaped the radar of backlash that gave Silent Night, Deadly Night so much attention the same year. By today’s standards (or 1984's for that matter) it's just a bad movie in every sense: bad acting, bad writing, bad directing, bad editing, terrible special effects, bad wardrobe, bad production...the cinematography's passable I suppose, bad plot, bad (& real) English accents and worst of all: a main character that looks like a 1980s Gene Simmons, drag queen edition. All of this smashed together, fed through, then crapped out makes for one astoundingly hilarious Christmas memory! A must see for people who like unredeemable crap.)
Dec 17th: This reminds us that family is better than presents and Muppets are better than digital special effects.
Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas (In this wonderful Jim Henson HBO special from the early 80s, we learn the true meaning of Christmas as fatherless Emmett maliciously damages his mother's washtub (which is their only source of income) so he can make a standup bass for his band and win money at a Christmas Eve talent competition. At the same time the widow Otter, with no other means of repairing things around the house, selfishly hocks Emmett's dad's old tool chest to buy a dress so she can enter the same competition and win the money. In the end we learn that the nice guys always finish last, but at least you have family to cheer you up around the holidays. Look for a cameo by Kermit the Frog.)
Dec 18th: Some classics should never be remade…well, all classics should never be remade.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (No, not that ridiculous piece of crap with one of the most unfunny comedians of our time, I'm talking about the one and only original 1966 animated short which features the exciting art of Chuck Jones and the voice of Boris Karloff as the narrator and the Grinch. So, think about it: when Boris is singing You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch, he's actually singing it to himself. Yuletide schizophrenia is never a bad gift.)
Dec. 19th: Bill Murray should support the legalization of Christmas delight, with guns!
Scrooged (Late 80s comedy's take on the Charles Dickens classic A Christmas Carol does the parody with a great amount of comical genius and a surprisingly equal amount of respect to the original storyline. In this one Bill Murray becomes the victim of the Ghosts of Christmas when his selfish, greedy ways become a nuisance to society. With Buster Poindexter (lead singer of the New York Dolls) & Carol Kane (wierdo gal extraordinaire) playing the first two ghosts, the film makers really had to pour a lot of creativity into the Ghost of Christmas Future in order to top the creepiness bar they had set for themselves! Along with them is a host of guest cameos and fun faces. The brotherhood speech that Bill gives at the end is priceless nonsense that any fan of sheer holiday ridiculousness could love!)
Dec 20th: Classic Santa, the closer I get to Christmas day, the less cynical I become…
Miracle on 34th Street (Santa Claus is coming to town (or more accurately "The City") to make a little girl that doesnt believe in Santa realize that he does exist...only problem is Santa's a senile, alcoholic bum that gets taken to court for fraud...what gives? Why is this on my list? The Black and White cinematography is beautiful and I needed some classic film credibility to make this list look good.)
Dec 21st: …but first, I gotta watch this insta-classic…
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (Notable for not only for being the ONLY National Lampoon movie that's even remotely funny, but also for being the only Chevy Chase performance that doesn't make me want to vomit; this anti-Christmas laugh fest shows the pains of dealing with all the unwanted annoyances that come with the cheer of the holiday season. Really, I only like it because it takes place in illinois)
Dec. 22nd: …and this one, to get the winter solstice celebration over with.
Hell Cab (In this sentimental modern Christmas tale, a depressed Chicago cabbie (originally from Rockford, IL) who hates his life more with every passing moment sees joy in other people's misery as he hauls every walk of life you can think of around Chicago one hectic Winter Solstice day (a few days before Christmas.) Whenever he thinks he has it bad, he picks up someone who's always got it worse. And that's enough to put a light in his heart. And isn't that what the Christmas season is all about?...of course Jesus & Santa aren't mentioned at all, but the entire cast is comprised of Chicago-born actors including such notables as Michael Ironside, Laurie Metcalf, Gillian Anderson, Julianne Moore & John Cusack!! The original title was Chicago Cab, but for some reason it was renamed and marketed on video as a horror film, which it is not.)
Dec. 23rd: Just two days till Christmas!! I’m too excited!!
Santa Claus: The Movie (From Jeanotte Schwarc, the esteemed director of Jaws 2 and Supergirl, comes this little bit of magical celluloid focusing on Santa Claus' search for a renegade helper elf (played terrifically by the late Dudley Moore) gone AWOL due to lack of respect from the big man. The Elf flees to New York City to find refuge under the employment of John Lithgow's deliciously evil character B.Z.'s toy company. It doesn't take long for Patch, the elf, to discover that B.Z. is up to no good. Meanwhile Santa Claus has befriended a young, homeless NYC street kid to help find Patch. It just happens to turn out that out of 3 million+ young ladies in the big apple, the homeless kid has a crush on none other than B.Z.'s niece! In stalking B.Z.'s niece, the homeless kid and Santa discover the ultimate evil: B.Z. is using Patch's magical candy canes to take over Christmas!!! Rent the film to find out how it ends. I will not ruin it for the lot of you.)
Dec 24th: Can anyone imagine a Christmas Eve without Ernest P. Worrell? I sure can’t
Ernest Saves Christmas (a stupendous achievement in the Christmas film genre. Made in the grand tradition of classics such as Miracle on 34th st. and Santa Claus: The Movie, Ernest Saves Christmas is yet another story that focuses on the immortal character of Santa Claus. This one involves Santa Claus (played by Douglas Seale) becoming too old for the job and enlisting the help of our favorite Tennessee redneck Ernest P. Worrell to find the best candidate to replace him after everyone else decides he's just a senile old man (a concept poorly ripped off, or rather re-used, by Disney years later with Tim Allen in the atrocious Hollywood travesty The Santa Clause.) Well, as you can imagine, when Ernest is helping you save the holiday you can bet there will be plenty of goofy madness around every corner. This is an instant holiday classic. The writing is excellent and the acting has not been topped by any other Disney junk to date. The only downside is that Disney forced the film-makers to have it take place in Orlando, FL which is not cool, but the director sticks it to the big producers by writing in a subplot in which Santa makes it snow in Florida on Christmas Eve. Bring plenty of Kleenex, because the scene where Pamela returns the magic bag to Santa is a tear-jerker every time.)
Dec 25th: What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than with a good, old classic ghost story! I can’t imagine waking up on Christmas Day and not watching this movie. It’s been a tradition of mine since I was 6 years old!
A Christmas Carol (1951)(At least one version of the most recycled, re-invented, overused Christmas story in history must be on everyone's list and this one's a doozy! The definite choice as the leader of the pack. It's the one that's most true to the original Dickens tale. Alister Sim plays Scrooge like no other actor: past, present or future. The acting, directing and cinematography are above excellent & far better than anything Orson Welles ever accomplished and the groovy special effects were way ahead of their time and, even by today's standards, far more convincing than Jar Jar Binks. Words cannot describe the magic this film produces. Just rent it and get the egg nog ready!
Dec 26th: A post Celebratory butt kicking Chuck fest!
Invasion USA (Long before we had to worry about Al Quaeda terrorists ruining Christmas, we had to worry about Soviet terrorists ruining it. And who fights terrorism better than George W.? Chuck Norris, that's who! He brutally proves that he can outwit international assassins. Armed with his unlimited ammo, his bullet-proof body and his predictable one-liners, no one is safe infiltrating our borders, even if they brought a boat load of bazooka's with them. It should be noted that Nissan showed that their mid-sized truck can withstand a barrage of artillery, Hummer could be in some trouble if the Army sees this movie.)
Dec 27th: Remember all the homeless veterans this Christmas season, or they’ll waste you!
First Blood: (As Nam vet John Rambo, Stallone trades in the ugly, nightmarish landscape of war-torn Vietnam for the even uglier landscape of the Pacific Northwest. To simulate the general blandness of the Washington state backwoods, the filmmakers melted the British Columbia snow (the province in which it was filmed) every shooting day with hot water. LAME! Fortunately it still turns out to be an okay film. It’s got better acting and writing than its sequels (which, I realize, isn’t a difficult task to accomplish) and Sly is able to make us feel compassion for all this guy’s been through while he’s mindlessly shooting up a small town on a suicidal rampage. More importantly, though, it has a Christmas tree in a two-minute scene and for that reason, it became a Christmastime favorite of mine.)
Dec. 28th: An action packed build-up to the new year.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service (While not actually a "Christmas Film," this awesome James Bond flick is, in fact, the only James Bond film to take place at Christmas time and my personal favorite Bond film. Along with that distinction, it's also the only Bond film in which the character gets married, the only bond film to star George Lazenby (who was far better than all the other guys combined,) the only one to feature Telly Savales as Blofeld, one of only 2 Bond films to feature a high speed pursuit on a bobsled track and the only Bond film to place Mr. Bond in a horse barn literally taking a role in the hay with a sexy Bond lady just after a scene where Christmas music was playing in the background. Well worth the astonishing 2 hours and 20 minutes.)
Dec. 29th: A cute movie to cheer up all the single folks still lonely around the holidays. (Keep in mind its pure fantasy and you’ll never meet your soul mate this way, losers.)
While You were Sleeping (Yes, I realize I lose most of my man points for liking this sappy, by-the-books romantic comedy, but there just something about it that makes me happy...and that something is the way it hearkens back to the days when you had to buy tokens to ride the El in Chicago, instead of using those new electronic tickets that you get from a machine. It makes us all remember how much happier 40 CTA families are that their loved one is sitting at home on Christmas day in their crummy, relative-infested houses getting paid nothing instead of getting double time and a half to sell coins to strangers (some of whom wont get to see their loved ones because there was no attendant in the station to call the cops when he/she was mugged and/or murdered on Christmas day. All because the Chicago Transit Authority decided to save a few bucks and stiff their employees on holiday pay.) It recalls the days when it was all right to lie about your relationships with rich folks, the days when "family" was simply someone who wasn't going to kill you & steal all your food (whether they're a stranger or not,) the days when a lonely loser could find true love simply by saving someone's life.)
Dec. 30th: This is a good way to release the stress of the family gatherings you just attended
The Ref: What’s more annoying that listening to family members squabble about stupid stuff at Christmas time? Well, you might think it’s listening Dennis Leary rant & rave for an hour and a half, but you’d be wrong. This is one of the rare moments when Leary hits the comical mark and almost gets a bull’s eye. Leary plays a cat burglar who’s been trailed by the cops and ends up having to take a dysfunctional family hostage on Christmas Eve who make the Bunkers look like the Cleavers. The family’s problems quickly prove to be far more bothersome than spending 10 to 20 in Federal prison. With verbal jabs & stabs coming from all sides, this one will have the hardcore humbugger in stitches for a good 85 minutes. Unfortunately it takes an outlandish turn at the end. But if you just watch it for the laughs and ignore the story, it’ll have you laughing till your New Years Day hangover.
Dec 31st: With a star studded hip-hop New Year’s Eve finale at the Roxy there’s no better way to end the holiday season!
Beat Street (It's hard to believe I have left this movie off my list for so many years! Until a recent viewing, I had forgotten that is takes place at Christmas time, which is really hard to do when you consider that this has (as far as I know) the first Christmas rap song ever. Kool Moe Dee & Dog E. Fresh rappin about Christmas in the ghetto and getting the shaft from Santa is hilarious. But it's not just an awesome Christmas film folks, it's one of the best urban life films of all time. It's an inspirational story about making something out of yourself whether you got money or not, even if you're a poor kid in the ghetto, even if all you know how to do is dance & spin records, even if your ways of expressing your art & your gift are against the law. But above all, if any memory is to be taken from this experience it would have to be the defest, illest breakdance scene ever filmed!! Watching the NYC Breakers and The Rock Steady Crew servin' each other on the Roxy dancefloor will make you wish it was Christmas every day!)