originally
i would say something but i'm not going to...
even though it's about to burst out at some point.
perhaps explode into million little pieces.
but like i said, i won't.
:)
and i know it already happened. it took place. some people were there to see it happen.
while others got to see the aftermath a few days after.
but i didn't. for some reason, if i did, i think it would've sunk in by now. i would've absorbed in the information and the fact that it took place. sometimes photographs tend to give proof. and yes unfortunately, i did see the photographs but it didn't fucking give me any proof. i wish i hadn't seen it. nor hear about it. and i wish i were there. not when it took place but before that. so i wouldn't feel so awful like i do right now or when i first heard about it. over the phone. in the early morning. in the midst of actually thinking that there was a possibility that things would turn out fine. obviously they didn't.
shit. why can't i just muster the courage to accept it. or to finally realize every little bit of it has occurred. because let's face it, it did. it's been three months. three.
but no, i can still see her sitting down on that same chair laughing. wearing her big glasses, old clothing and flip flops. drinking tea in that same old cup. talking about anything, everything and remembering her habit of pushing her glasses up every 5 minutes because they wouldn't stay on top of her nose for as long as she would like them to. and the way he and she would argue about the past. then now hearing that they reconciled and everything turned peachy during the very last days, makes me sad. i'm sure there was more to forgive. however, there was not a lot of time to do so. i wish i were there to see it. to hug her. to learn more about her life. just her in general. i wish i also thought of her more in my daiy life. instead, i think i pushed her aside. i feel stupid for doing that.
there's nothing i can do nor try to change. i just hope she knows that i love her. and she's always in my thoughts now. i hope she forgives me somehow. i think i've been absent in her life for far too long. and maybe, i wasn't one of her other many grand daughters who were there for half the time. i'm sorry, ah ma. i miss you though. i still do.
even though it's about to burst out at some point.
perhaps explode into million little pieces.
but like i said, i won't.
:)
and i know it already happened. it took place. some people were there to see it happen.
while others got to see the aftermath a few days after.
but i didn't. for some reason, if i did, i think it would've sunk in by now. i would've absorbed in the information and the fact that it took place. sometimes photographs tend to give proof. and yes unfortunately, i did see the photographs but it didn't fucking give me any proof. i wish i hadn't seen it. nor hear about it. and i wish i were there. not when it took place but before that. so i wouldn't feel so awful like i do right now or when i first heard about it. over the phone. in the early morning. in the midst of actually thinking that there was a possibility that things would turn out fine. obviously they didn't.
shit. why can't i just muster the courage to accept it. or to finally realize every little bit of it has occurred. because let's face it, it did. it's been three months. three.
but no, i can still see her sitting down on that same chair laughing. wearing her big glasses, old clothing and flip flops. drinking tea in that same old cup. talking about anything, everything and remembering her habit of pushing her glasses up every 5 minutes because they wouldn't stay on top of her nose for as long as she would like them to. and the way he and she would argue about the past. then now hearing that they reconciled and everything turned peachy during the very last days, makes me sad. i'm sure there was more to forgive. however, there was not a lot of time to do so. i wish i were there to see it. to hug her. to learn more about her life. just her in general. i wish i also thought of her more in my daiy life. instead, i think i pushed her aside. i feel stupid for doing that.
there's nothing i can do nor try to change. i just hope she knows that i love her. and she's always in my thoughts now. i hope she forgives me somehow. i think i've been absent in her life for far too long. and maybe, i wasn't one of her other many grand daughters who were there for half the time. i'm sorry, ah ma. i miss you though. i still do.