A monologue to the cosmic void...
Its not often that I feel alone in the world but tonight, for the first time in a long long time, I feel very much alone. There are a lot of things going on at work at the moment which has brought many uncertainties I've had about my life and career to light. I guess everyone has uncertainties to what the future holds for them in terms of what direction they want their lives to go but it seems with all the goings on at work at the moment, I am forced to confront these uncertainties a lot more sooner than I would like to.
Within the last year, I have had a tarot card reading and a coffee cup reading which both came to the same conclusion; I am much too bottled up. To my detriment, I do tend to worry about everyone else and their problems first before worrying about myself. And because of this, I'm not one who unloads to a friend about my problems. I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable to be unloading a whole lot of crap onto someone when I'm sure they have problems of their own to deal with.
I guess this is why I'm so lonely tonight. I feel like I'm stuck in a horrible situation and I have no one to talk to.
I can't really talk about what is going on a work here but I am now faced with an impossible dilemma about what I am to do when I leave this silly little research job of mine. When one is a non-EU national working in the UK, the implications are huge. My visa to stay in this country is dependent on me having a job where the employer is willing to get a work permit for me. I don't think a research technician job is an important enough job for someone to bother going through all that bureaucracy just to give me a technician job when they can easily employ someone else to do it. And without a work permit, I will have to leave the country and go back to Malaysia where I know I will never fit in. I never fitted in, in an Asian society and now with my strong, independent western sense, I know I will definitely not fit in.
Sure, I'm currently applying for PhD positions around Europe for Autumn so I might not have to worry about work visas and residence visas and whatnot. But I know on paper, my qualifications do not look good; I was always the person who excel more with hands on experience than sitting in a classroom filling in an exam paper. I'm terrified of not getting a PhD. I feel like a PhD is now my only way of staying in scientific research within Europe and I can't imagine a life where I am not doing scientific research or living anywhere else other than Europe.
It breaks my heart that I want more than anything else to talk to my fellow Mongos who can understand the impossible situation I'm in at the moment but I can't bring myself to do it because they are facing the same situation and would probably rather if they didn't have to deal with me whining. I don't really want an answer from anyone. I just want to send this monologue to the cosmic void of cyberspace. Good-night, dear void.