If I Tremble (part 3)
Disclaimer: I don't claim to own anything related to Supernatural.
Summery: AU. John brings home a strange boy after a hunt, a boy who calls himself Castiel. He bonds easely with the young Dean, but why is he really there?
Warnings: Will contain slash, violence and sexual relations of a slightly incestrious nature between underaged boys.
"In fact. Why don't you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass!" Dean turns his back, making the words and the dismissal final.
Castiel doesn't have words to counter this. He doesn't know a way to make Dean listen to him, and even if he did, his angelic brain, efficient as it is, is being flooded with Dean, Dean, Dean… the name a symbol for everything Castiel knows about emotions, and as always Castiel clings to this name when he can't deal with the amount of emotions drowning him.
Instead he flings himself up and away, leaving Dean behind, but taking his words with him, the human heart in his chest beating fast and aching in a way no wound or injury has ever hurt before.
Castiel didn't miss the slight tremble running through Dean's body, or the way he pressed a hand to his lips to keep the choked sob from escaping his mouth. But that only makes it all worse. Because he did that. He hurt Dean, again.
Castiel doesn't return to heaven. He's sick of it all, tired and broken. Dean had begged him to stop, to give up on his plan to use Purgatory to defeat Rafael, but Castiel knows that in doing so, he will have to give up on everything. Give up his freedom, give up Dean. Castiel knows that at this point there is no way he can just go back, no way he can stop the domino pieces from falling. So instead he shifts out of time, swirling backwards, leaving everything behind like a damn coward.
…
Jimmy Novak is fourteen years old when Castiel finds him sitting alone in the dormitory of the orphanage where he grew up. The dark-haired boy is sick in bed, reading a book about four siblings that find a world full of adventures in a closet, the homework a younger kid in the orphanage brought him earlier is discarded on the floor next to the bed. Castiel doesn't lie to Jimmy, but he doesn't tell him the truth either. He tells Jimmy that he wants to take the boy on an adventure, a journey full of monsters and heroes, miracles and wonders. Jimmy doesn't even blink when he agrees. The fourteen year old boy would do anything to leave the orphanage.
Castiel fit easily into the younger version of Jimmy, knowing every muscle and nerve ending. Castiel has a very special relationship with this body, having regarded it as his own since Jimmy was killed by Rafael. In fact Castiel had been so closely connected with the body of Jimmy that he sometimes felt its physical reactions affect his Grace. But Castiel liked that part about having a Vessel and Jimmy is now the only choice in vessel for Castiel, no matter his age.
He keeps an eye on John for a few days before he goes to him. Castiel has never known John's soul, but as he watches him hunt down monsters with the same determination and strength as Dean possess, he finds that he likes it very much. It's a surprise how much John's soul reminds Castiel of Dean's, the same stubborn (self-)righteousness and bravery that is so distinct in Dean.
Castiel had considered lying to John and try to somehow trick him into taking Castiel in, but in the end he had decided on the truth, parts of it anyway, using John's guilt as his ticket into Dean's life. Once he has convinced John that he is in fact an angel, something pure and good, it is surprisingly easy to convince John that Dean and Sam needs someone to protect them, someone who can stay with them, someone who can give them what John cannot; time.
…
And that is how Castiel finds himself watching Dean sleeping, no trace of guilt or pain or Hell in his dreams. Castiel hadn't noticed how much his Grace had longed for Dean's soul, longed for the closeness that he had felt on his assent from Hell to earth, holding Dean's soul close to his Grace. Dean had shied away from any attempt Castiel had made to retrieve that closeness, holding on to his pointless personal space. But young Dean doesn't shy away, and for a long time Castiel can't drag his eyes away from Dean's soul, pure and untainted.
Castiel doesn't sleep. Instead he watches something he has been robbed of until now; he watches Dean grow. It's the tiniest changes, but Castiel's grace notice what human eyes would not. He watches as Dean take care of Sam and how the young Dean, completely robbed of the darkness that sometimes taints the older Dean, take the chubby toddler in his arms and kiss his dimpled cheek. And the best thing is that Dean doesn't mind at all that Castiel is staring unabashed at him, tracking his every move. This young Dean gives Castiel his uncensored love and friendship, and as Dean grows older the two of them become inseparable.
At night Castiel is curled up next to Dean, pressing as close as he can get, almost high with the feeling of Dean's soul so close to his. Castiel has never imagined that an Angel can be addicted to anything, but he thinks perhaps that he is addicted to this, to the warm glow of Dean's soul. It's like having been robbed of sunlight for centuries. And the best thing is that Castiel doesn't have to do anything to get this, Dean gives it willingly, happily. It is as if Dean has been holding back years of affection and love since his mother died, unable to give it to his absent father, so instead he now pours it out on Castiel.
Dean is always reaching for Castiel, either with his hands or his words, and Castiel is slowly drowning, slowly forgetting himself as he becomes something else, as he becomes Dean's brother in a way he couldn't be when Dean was grown, because grown Dean couldn't love anyone else than Sam. But young Dean isn't restricted in the same way. He can love Sam and Castiel. And he does, with all the adoring innocence of a child.
When John one day confirm to Dean that Castiel isn't human Dean clearly doesn't care, not that Dean of any age ever did. Grown Dean quickly gave up on of his initial fear of Castiel as a divine creature and instead considered Castiel a person. Young Dean does the same.
Dean is never afraid to take Castiel's hand and drag him, rather impatiently, along the street of whatever small town they are staying in, chasing after imaginary versions of the monsters John hunts at night. Dean doesn't care that those same hands has brought a bird back to life in front of his eyes days before. Dean doesn't care that the same hands can break a grown man's leg with just a small amount of force and make a human body into a bloody pulp with a flicker of his fingers. Dean doesn't care that Castiel is a warrior, trained to kill creatures much stronger than a ten year old human boy, because Dean trust Castiel blindly, happily putting his and Sam's life in Castiel's hands when John is away.
…
John has long time ago stopped considering Castiel as an intrusive part of their lives, and he even refers to Castiel as "son", even though he understands much better than Dean that Castiel is a creature much older than mankind. This makes Castiel smile and love his life as Castiel Winchester just a little bit more. It's not until Dean is thirteen that Castiel feels the slight shift in Dean's mood when John uses the word about Castiel, just a slight displeasure. It's so subtle and Castiel is sure no human could pick it up, he's not even sure Dean notices himself. It's not long after this that Dean stops referring to Castiel as his brother. Castiel isn't even sure it's a conscious decision on Dean's part, it's just a gradually change that alerts Castiel to the fact that Dean is growing up and that his view on Castiel is changing.
The problem escalates when Dean is fourteen and John asks if the two boys wouldn't be more comfortable having each their bed. Castiel knows that John is referring to the fact that the two teens can barely fit into a single bed anymore, but Dean clearly takes the comment as something else and for three horrible days Dean doesn't touch Castiel and Castiel spends his nights sitting on the floor. Castiel has to use all his restrains not to read Dean's thoughts, not to reach out a hand and calm Dean down.
On the third night Dean can't fall asleep. Castiel is sitting next to his bed, as close to Dean as he can get without invading his space, as far away as he can without losing the warm glow of Dean's soul. Castiel can hear Dean shifting in the bed, hear his uneven breathing and the muffled sounds he makes as he bites his lip, trying to be silent. Castiel had been expecting this, but it doesn't mean it affect him any less. He keeps his eyes shut firmly, trying to block out the sounds Dean makes as the teen touches himself, testing his own body. Castiel is not interested in Dean's immature teen body in the slightest. Instead he focuses on Dean's soul, taking in the increase in heat, the stronger glow and the brightness that it radiates. Castiel thinks it's beautiful.
It turns out however that Jimmy's body is not as indifferent to Dean's muffled moans as Castiel is, and Castiel once again experience Jimmy's body sending invading signals to his Grace. It's not unpleasent or disturbing to Castiel, if anything it just makes him happy. Happy that Dean still has this effect on him, even though his Vessel is younger.
Castiel knows Dean doesn't climax, Castiel knows from experience what happens to Dean's soul when he does. For now it's just a teenager's fumbling tries at feeling something he doesn't quite know yet what is. But Castiel knows that it's a bridge none the less. It's been crossed and Dean isn't a little boy anymore. That's why, when Dean quietly gesture Castiel to take the other side of the bed the next night, Castiel doesn't cuddle up against Dean as he used to, but force a gap between their bodies, not because he wants to, but because he wants to be sure, absolutely sure that any physical interaction is on Dean's terms. Dean accepts the distance without comments, but Castiel knows it's not without regret.
Chapter Four