I guess I need you
Summary: Dean’s pov on The End, future Dean, that is. With a so far unknown ending.
Rating: M Wordcount: ~ 3.300
At that moment Dean wanted to hit himself very damn hard. He had forgotten, if he had in fact ever truly realized, how annoyingly cocky and dauntless he had been, not to mention that infuriating spark in his eyes, like he truly believed that things could work out. No, Dean didn't like this younger, hopeful version of himself that had suddenly forced his way into their relatively functioning lives.
It doesn't make things any better that Castiel is currently still slightly spaced out, even though Dean had ordered him to get straight for this meeting. Because Castiel tweeked out is not always a safe thing to have around. When he's high Castiel doesn't always care much what he say or do, which is really the core of Dean's worries now, even if he has the most important hunt of his life right around the corner, and should be directing all his fucking focus on that. But he can't, because he's too damn scared tweeked out Cas is gonna slip and say something, some stupid, cruel comment about Dean's abilities to lead being as bad as his abilities in bed, or some shit like that.
Dean knows his former self is here to understand the consequences of his choices and actions, and Dean, for the life of him, doesn't want himself to go back to the past knowing what had happened - or rather, what would happen - between himself and Cas. Subconsciously, Dean knew it was because he didn't want to risk Past-Dean freaking out and shying away from Cas, because if there was one thing about this whole God damned shithole of a future Dean didn't want to change, it was what he shared - or had shared - with Cas. Consciously, however, Dean knew, that if Past-Dean somehow managed to change the future, he and Cas would never have the chance or the need to find each other the way they had, so there would be no reason to bother himself with this particular fact.
What happens in the future, stays in the future, Dean thought, and faintly amused himself.
And if there hadn't really been that many polite and caring words between Dean and Cas for the past few months, that was fine, because it was fucking great while it lasted and they were all gonna die tomorrow anyway, in a fucking blaze of glory, and he didn't want to spend his last night on earth regretting or having to explain why he had found the desperate need to fuck Cas in the first place, especially not to himself.
Castiel managed to get through the meeting without saying anything too incriminating, just a vague comment about liking Past-Dean, which was true in itself, and didn't need to be interpreted at all, but somehow Dean knew, just knew, that at the end of that meeting Past-Dean had figured it out anyway. Of cause he had, he was god damn smart and observant and it wasn't like it had come as a great shock to anyone else when it first happened, because the thing between them had been so fucking obvious ever since Castiel first broke ranks for Dean and went and got himself smited by Rafael.
Past-Dean went and camped out in Cas' hut after the meeting, and of cause he would, because Dean would always gravitate towards Castiel, no matter if they weren't even from the same fucking time zone.
But he didn't have to worry about Castiel fucking up, because Cas knew which Dean he belonged to, and even if they hadn't really been on the best terms lately, Cas had always been loyal to a fault and had always had Dean's back and Dean trusted him with his life, even when the ex-angel was high and drunk. And even if they hadn't even exchanged as much as a handshake in months, Cas still came to Dean's hut that night, because that's how they were, that's what they were, and this was their last night on earth and fuck it if they were gonna spend it apart from one another.
And Cas was needy and warm and a little rough, just how Dean loved him. And Dean was fucking thrilled when Cas proved, once again, that he was the only frigging creature on earth that could unravel Dean like that, break him in a way that felt so good and so right. And Castiel was the only one who could and the only one who was allowed to break Dean like that, because he had been the one to put him back together to begin with. And when Dean came apart, Cas wasn't far behind, because that's how they worked, they were so damn in tuned to one another and Dean, riding his own orgasm, looked deep into Castiel's eyes, pupils blown wide, and if Dean thought that Cas was still a little bit angel at that moment, well it wasn't his fault.
"I think you should stay home, with Chuck." Dean said after they had come down, his voice firm and quiet.
Castiel looked at him, confusion turning into anger in seconds. "I'm not leaving your side for a god damn minute." Castiel swore, and it sounded pretty damn final, but Dean could play that game too.
"People will need someone, someone to look up to and gather around once this is over." He argued, voice calm.
"And you think that should be me? The junkie ex-angel ?" Castiel snorted. "Dean, you know I need you. If you're not here, I couldn't even get up in the morning, much less lead anyone."
"I know, Cas." Dean said, "But I don't want you there tomorrow."
"Dean, you lead, I follow. And for once I know where we're going. And it's fine, it really is." Castiel didn't say any more than that, and when Dean tried to pursue the subject, Castiel silenced him, with a "Shut the fuck up and kiss me!" And Dean did.
Dean had decided that they were gonna drive out just around midnight, because they had a good six hours' drive in front of them. Again Past-Dean found his way into Castiel's car, being uncomfortable around the most of the other people and really uncomfortable around his future self. But of cause he would always trust Castiel, because that's what Dean did. It was just that them riding alone together was an outstandingly bad idea, because Cas was in a blunt mood and not a little drunk and if Dean knew Cas at all, high too.
And then there were the fact that Cas still smelled of Dean, and that Past-Dean was bound to notice, sitting so close. Funny how Dean had always liked the way Cas smelled like him after sex, but now, this one time, it would bother him.
They took a break by the cars when they arrived, sitting in small groups and sharing old supplies of homemade booze and a small amount of food. Dean tried not to let his eyes drift to his former self, because damn if everything about him didn't piss Dean off. Especially the way he would sometimes laugh at something Cas would say. It wasn't Dean's fault that he had the whole human race to think about and the fate of the planet too, and that he didn't really relax enough to find Castiel funny when he was high. Admittedly he was a lot more fun, than the Cas Past-Dean was used to, and Dean would have laughed, he totally would have, but wasn't it just the worst timing in the whole universe, that Cas had removed the stick up his ass, just as Dean suddenly had a whole camp full of people to worry about and dealing with loosing Sammy as well?
The way in through the city was completely cleared; every road, every ally, every open space utterly empty. And it should freak Dean the hell out, but it didn't, because he had already known. He knew this would always be the final stand and what ever happened today Dean would die saving the world like he always wanted to, because even if he made it and he killed Lucifer and the world would be right again, it would never be right for Dean, because Sam was dead, and Dean had been on a slow-falling slope to dying ever since Sam said Yes, and the only reason why he hadn't already given up, was because it was Dean's job to clean up after Sam, and Dean would clean this one up as well, and then he would be done, for good.
And the weird thing was that it seemed like everyone on this hunt knew that this was it, the last kamikaze run. And no one seemed to mind, because everyone was tired, used and broken and even if the world was saved they didn't want to live in it, because they had lived in a god damn paradise compared to this and they wanted to return to paradise again, not stay in this broken world.
The only one who couldn't wrap his head around this fact was of cause Dean, Past-Dean that is. He's still John's kid and Mary's boy and Sam's brother and fuck if that shouldn't bother Dean, but it did, because he would achieve nothing like that, nothing until he toughened the fuck up and became a soldier. And Dean really enjoyed knocking himself out, finally getting to punch him in the face after itching to for long enough.
Dean shared a last moment of eyes interlocking with Cas, thinking for a brief moment that the ex-Angel seemed to know something that Dean didn't, but for all he knew, Cas did. He used to be a frigging Angel of the Lord, and Cas used to have that look in his eyes a lot, back before he went mortal, but Dean hadn't seen it since then, and it freaked him out to find it there, now. And as the group walked away, guns at the ready, Dean couldn't help but look after them until they were out of sight, and he told himself that it was that strange look on Cas' face that made him track the dark-haired man with his eyes, of cause it was.
He found Lucifer without any real problems. He was alone of cause, he hated the Croats as much as he hated the demons, and he didn't exactly keep them as company. Instead he had found the remains of a rose garden, standing there in his white suit, in Sam's body, surrounded by roses, and a few patches of lavender and rosemary, almost consumed by wild, tall grass. It looked peaceful. Dean fired the gun three times, one to his heart and two to his head. The impact made Lucifer crumple to the ground but he didn't die. Of cause he didn't die, because Lucifer wasn't a demon, he was an archangel, and Castiel had known this, or at least suspected it and Dean hadn't listened, because he didn't want to.
A flick of Sam's wrist and Lucifer, the devil, had Dean tossing in pain at his feet. And then Dean heard footsteps, running towards him, and God he wished it was someone who could help, except no one could help. And then he saw his own shocked face looking at him, through a daze as Sam's foot broke his neck, with just the tiniest effort.
And then the world turned dark, and Dean recognized the calm feeling he connected to being dead, if that wasn't the freakiest thought on the planet, that Dean would somehow be used to being dead by now. And then the calm was gone and a sharp pain lashed through his neck, as it was forced back into place and then the darkness disappeared, only to be replaced by a confusing brightness and two shining orbs of concerned blue looking down at him.
"Dean?" Castiel's voice was rough, pained. "Dean, wake up!"
Dean was so confused that for a second he wondered if everything had been a dream, that he and Cas was still back in bed in Camp Chitaqua. But then he saw that he wasn't in his bedroom and he noticed the yellow brick walls of the sanitarium behind Cas' face.
"Cas, what the hell?" he croaked, his voice coarse and strained, like it hadn't been used for weeks. "What the hell?" he asked again, unable to form a coherent sentence.
"Just relax, please Dean. Don't get up too fast." Castiel helped him to a sitting position, but rested a firm hand against Dean's shoulder, making sure he didn't try to stand.
"Cas, it's fine, I'm fine. Just tell me what the hell happened, would you please?" Dean thought back. Yes he was definitely dead. Lucifer had killed him, Lucifer in Sam's skin. Sammy. But now he was here, not dead, and Dean thought for a moment that God had returned and put everything right. But then he looked at Cas and knew that God hadn't done a damn thing, because no way would Castiel look so sad to the core if God had returned.
Castiel's eyes darted to the ground a few feet away, a few small pieces of something that looked like glass but could be diamonds for all Dean knew, lie scattered on the dirt. "I'm sorry I lied to you." Castiel whispered in a soft voice, but Dean didn't hear any remorse in it. "I'll explain, I will, but we need to get out of here first, and we can't get to the cars because they are swarming with Croats. So you'll need to walk, but you have to take it slow, okay. Just lean on me for support."
Dean wanted to tell Cas to shut the fuck up with his concerned nurse gibberish and that he could walk fine, thank you, but when he got to his feet, the whole world was swaying and the ground was trying to make him trip and stumble, and Dean thought this was a pretty ungrateful world that would behave like this, giving that Dean had just died trying to save it.
Dean tried to keep the questions out of his head, to let his mind go blank and just let Cas lead him, and it was okay for a short time, just stumbling along, letting Cas support him, but the he started to notice. And then he couldn't understand how he hadn't noticed before.
"Cas, you're an Angel again!" he exclaimed, before he could stop himself, because damn if those words weren't the most dangerous ones to say at this day and age. He just couldn't stop himself, completely baffled by the faint aura around Castiel and the metallic gleam just behind his eyes, just below his skin, something you couldn't see unless you were looking real damn hard at him, which Dean always were.
"Not really, not that much anyway. I'll explain later, I need to get us to safety." And Dean let himself be dragged along for another long stretch of time until Cas was satisfied with the distance and found an old barn they could rest in.
Dean didn't know how to ask again, how to start asking for an explanation to this. So instead he just starred at Cas, waiting. Because in all fairness he had already asked, and been promised an answer and now he was pretty sure it was okay just to wait for that to happen.
"I'm sorry I lied to you." Cas just said again, after a long time with an odd silence between them. "I want to explain, but you need to hear me out and not start yelling at me, okay? I'll stop talking if you do."
Dean nodded and found Castiel's eyes, the ones he thought he'd never see again.
"Do you remember the time when I came to you in a dream and asked you to meet me, and then when you arrived you found Jimmy instead?" Castiel started slow, as if trying to decide if every bit of information was important, it seemed however like he was gonna come clean now, and tell everything. "You remember I told you then I'd learned my lesson while I was in heaven?"
Dean nodded and started to get a feeling that Cas was about to tell him something he should have asked about a long time ago, and that all of this might have gone different if he had.
"Well, I did. Zacharias showed me this. He brought me to this future. I saw me now, everything I would become, everything I'd lose, if I continued to stay connected to you. I've never been so scared in all eternity. And then in the end you still managed to convince me to follow you, to rebel for you, even though I knew from that day forward what I would become."
Dean was pulled out of his comfortable trance-like state when Castiel dragged his eyes away from Dean's, clearly unable to bear the connection any longer. As so many times before, however, Dean tilted his head and forced Cas' eyes back to his.
"When it broke, when Sam said yes, you were so out of it. You didn't notice, didn't pay me any attention, and I knew it was the right time. I tore out most of my Grace."
For the first time Dean speak. "You tore out your Grace?"
"Most of it, yes. I knew I would lose my power over time anyway, there were no reason to go through all the slow fading, so I cut it out and hid it away and saved it for now, for this. It was just enough, it was already weakened when I ripped it out, and the fact that it wasn't whole made it even weaker, but I had to keep a part inside me, to be able to sustain this vessel and my knowledge of who I was."
Dean watches Castiel, surveys his face, the honestly there, the happiness of finally getting to say it, this festering lie that has made him a deceiver and a fraud for years. And Dean could feel that Cas was scared too, scared that Dean would get mad, be angry and blame him for everything, but Dean didn't feel mad, he wasn't angry, and fuck it if he was going to turn Castiel away now. Not now, not ever.
"So you broke the little vial and became an Angel again?" Dean asks, with a soft voice that seems to startle Castiel. "And then you wasted all your juice on bringing me back?" Dean smiles and as a result Castiel smiles, even if he isn't sure why they are smiling now, here in the middle of this broken world, when nothing is fixed and nothing is even slightly close to being okay.
"Why would you do that, Cas? How can you be that stupid?" But there is no blame in Dean's voice, no anger.
Castiel's smile grows bigger, more sincere. "I guess I need you." Is all he says, and damn if being needed isn't the only reason Dean needs to fight to live. Especially when it's Cas that needs him