This was so, so lovely. I love the rhythm and flow of it, and the simple understated elegance. These lines in particular:
"...until one day Christopher begged him to unburden himself of this strange sadness, and Lance sighed, and Christopher cajoled, and Lance took Christopher's hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it."
and
"From that day, matters were changed between them. Even more than before, they spoke to one another as equals, and mocked one another and the world around them..."
When Christopher left, though, I felt like it needed just another line or two to explain, because I guessed that he needed to leave in order to come back an equal, but they had loved each other so well that it must have been a monumental thing to walk away, even when he's walking toward freedom.
And then you pick up again from C's POV and yeah--great idea, and so charming. Still, that leaving moment felt rushed over from the other POV as well.
I love how you end it. There's a quiet humor and a big sigh from us of Yes, of course, they should end up together.
Also your running commentary on Lance growing into his beauty just made me giggle in the best way.
Lance was a very comical looking child, I thought, so...
I see what you mean about that moment being rushed; I'll give it some thought before I put it up on the website. Funnily enough, the first version had a much amplified paragraph in the Lance part of the story, but that didn't feel right. Hmm. It's a delicate balance, isn't it.
"...until one day Christopher begged him to unburden himself of this strange sadness, and Lance sighed, and Christopher cajoled, and Lance took Christopher's hand and brought it to his lips and kissed it."
and
"From that day, matters were changed between them. Even more than before, they spoke to one another as equals, and mocked one another and the world around them..."
When Christopher left, though, I felt like it needed just another line or two to explain, because I guessed that he needed to leave in order to come back an equal, but they had loved each other so well that it must have been a monumental thing to walk away, even when he's walking toward freedom.
And then you pick up again from C's POV and yeah--great idea, and so charming. Still, that leaving moment felt rushed over from the other POV as well.
I love how you end it. There's a quiet humor and a big sigh from us of Yes, of course, they should end up together.
Also your running commentary on Lance growing into his beauty just made me giggle in the best way.
Great story, Pen. Thank you for sharing!
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I see what you mean about that moment being rushed; I'll give it some thought before I put it up on the website. Funnily enough, the first version had a much amplified paragraph in the Lance part of the story, but that didn't feel right. Hmm. It's a delicate balance, isn't it.
Thank you very much for the feedback.
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