(no subject)
I haven't been writing in here because I got tired of the things I would write, I felt I could say anything and because of that I vented about pathetic things and got tired of whining so publicly. I started a blogger journal which was going to be more private, and it has been, but I'm getting wreckless with it as winter grows colder and I more coldhearted... but the privacy there is upholding the isolation and that is what is killing me.... so today I xpost in here from there, because I don't want to feel so alone... and I don't care if my ramblings are stupid... These thoughts circulate through my head, these and so much more, every day, and I've come to terms with my selfishness and sillyness and I don't care. I've tried to change and I cannot.
When I logged into LJ it came up a restored draft. I think I started writing this months ago but never posted..... "So you find yourself in this dream world, on cloud 9, lost up there for what feels like ages.... everything is heavenly, and when there are worries they fizzle into forgotten stardust. Then one day you realize how much has been hidden... feelings of sorrow and pain and anger..... Heaven turns into hell and all escapes are lost...."
That's very similar to my writings today, which makes sense since my thoughts do not change much on a daily basis lately. Here is what I wrote today.
"I'm needy. It's going to be the death of me. My constant need of attention, whether it's mental, physical, or emotional is already causing so many problems in my life. I think it's going to be the height of my winter time blues this year. I just hope I can get past it, we'll see. Today has just been a pretty terrible 24 hours. It's all just felt so isolated and lonely. I woke up after a night full of nightmares, sad and scared, and headed to Union Station by myself on the coldest and most windy day so far. I then had to endure a 7 hour bus ride, and then wait around another 3 hours because no one wanted to come get me except for my Mom who had to work late. She finally came to get me and our normally 2 hour drive home from Cleveland took 3 hours because the roads were wretched. Throughout my lonely travels I was so angry and depressed because everyone was too busy to talk to me. I shouldn't care; people have their own lives and it is nobody's job to make my life fuller. This day just seemed so packed full of loneliness though that it was quite overwhelming. Even now it's almost midnight and my Mom has went to bed and I am left here alone again, no one online or on my phone to comfort me. Perhaps I'm being selfish and stupid but I think a large part about what works me up is the fact that I spend so much of my energy trying to make things better for others. I constantly put myself in a place that I'm quite unhappy and stretching myself too far and end up crying alone in bathrooms because I can't bear to disappoint people or add to their unhappiness. It's such a vicious circle as are many things, and quite confusing. Lots of times today I was fantasizing about running away, just taking a lone adventure to a far away place without contact to the world I know, not having the chance to count on other people, and doing what I want, when I want, because *I* want to. It would completely change my life, even if it was only for a few weeks. Instead I am trapped here, in between two worlds, both of which are too much for me at this point in time.... but at this very moment I am completely alone, yet that's what's making me so depressed. "
That is all. Goodnight.