(no subject)
I felt stressed all day. I knew I would since I just woke up feeling so weird, you know? I was sort of prepared, at least. I cleaned for so many hours. Cleaning tends to de-stress me, at least for the time being. Sad thing is that now I'm done, and it's getting late. Too late to do my homework. Because if I stay up and do my homework I will be too stressed because I like getting 8 hours of sleep... so now I am just going to be stressed that I am just another day unprepared for classes tomorrow. It's a never ending cycle, really. I have way too much stuff to do. Too many committments. It's killing me. I just want to quit it all sometimes. I am so anti-counseling (not in general, just personally) but I think I might give it a try... It could be good for me. I can always just not go if it's not my thing. It's worth a shot. Though I would much rather just have weekly sessions with someone I already know, someone I look up to, that isn't a peer. I have a couple people in mind. But I would feel too bad putting everything on them. We'll see.
I got tired of holding all my concerns in. I wrote a huge email to my Mom telling her all of my thoughts eating at my for the past few months. It took forever to write because I started sobbing uncontrollably. It was hard. I knew it would be good to finally let her into my head. Why I can't stay on the phone with her for more than five minutes. I let her know all of my fears and things holding me back and all that jazz... So then I called Amy after I finished my letter. We have been playing phone tag uncontrollably for the past three days. I breathed a sigh of relief when she finally answered the phone, greeting me with "CAROLYN!! Finally, it's really you!" and I said "AMY!!!!" in my most cheerful tone and then started crying to her, expressing many of my concerns in the letter to my mother. We talked longer than we have in a long time and it was so nice. She made me feel a little bit better about things.
Just a bit ago my Mom responded to my email. She sounds very sad/hurt that I'm having such a hard time dealing with life. I knew she would. I thought perhaps I should not send the email for that reason, but I knew I just needed to share things with her. It will all be okay eventually, I'm certain.
My heart hurts. And so does my hand. I have a patch of REALLY dry, red, burny skin on my hand. I believe it was like this in the same spot last winter, too, but don't remember for certain. In any case it's painful and a bit weird and I need to go to the doctor. I'm scare he or she will tell me I have that new flesh eating virus. Hah. Just kidding, mostly. Though I do get paranoid. A lot.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sigh.
Goodnight.
I got tired of holding all my concerns in. I wrote a huge email to my Mom telling her all of my thoughts eating at my for the past few months. It took forever to write because I started sobbing uncontrollably. It was hard. I knew it would be good to finally let her into my head. Why I can't stay on the phone with her for more than five minutes. I let her know all of my fears and things holding me back and all that jazz... So then I called Amy after I finished my letter. We have been playing phone tag uncontrollably for the past three days. I breathed a sigh of relief when she finally answered the phone, greeting me with "CAROLYN!! Finally, it's really you!" and I said "AMY!!!!" in my most cheerful tone and then started crying to her, expressing many of my concerns in the letter to my mother. We talked longer than we have in a long time and it was so nice. She made me feel a little bit better about things.
Just a bit ago my Mom responded to my email. She sounds very sad/hurt that I'm having such a hard time dealing with life. I knew she would. I thought perhaps I should not send the email for that reason, but I knew I just needed to share things with her. It will all be okay eventually, I'm certain.
My heart hurts. And so does my hand. I have a patch of REALLY dry, red, burny skin on my hand. I believe it was like this in the same spot last winter, too, but don't remember for certain. In any case it's painful and a bit weird and I need to go to the doctor. I'm scare he or she will tell me I have that new flesh eating virus. Hah. Just kidding, mostly. Though I do get paranoid. A lot.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sigh.
Goodnight.