FIC: Handcuffs and Stethoscopes (Part 3)
Cristina Yang had had enough. It was bad enough that she'd gone against her better judgment and actually participated in the 'dressing up', but to actually have the same idea as Izzie freakin’ Stevens? And it wasn’t helping that Callie and Rollergirl couldn't seem to stop with their petty arguing.
"Y'know, I didn't come to this party to listen to bickering lesbians," she said. She reached over and grabbed the hat perched on Callie's head.
"Hey!" Callie exclaimed.
Cristina pulled the wig off her head and plopped it down unceremoniously on the Latina's head. "There. Now you can be Cagney AND Lacey. Problem solved."
Lexie looked over at Callie with the blonde wig tipped precariously atop her head.
"You know, Callie, you look an awful lot like one of the guest stars from SVU."
"What? Who?"
"There was a hooker in one episode that wore a blonde wig."
"Oh great, you think I look like a hooker?" Callie rolled her eyes in disgust.
"You have talked yourself into quite the quagmire, Mrs. Zbornak," Arizona warned. "First, you accused me of promiscuity."
"What do you mean she accused you of promiscuity? Little Grey, did you call my girlfriend a slut?" Callie's temper started to rise.
"Then you identified Officer Lacey as an alleged prostitute," Arizona continued talking despite Callie's outburst. She pinned Lexie with an icy stare. "The evidence is stacked in favor of a conviction against you for slander."
"I-I-I didn't accuse her of that! I said she resembled someone!" Lexie stammered, completely flummoxed by the way Arizona switched back and forth between being Alex Cabot and Arizona Robbins.
Arizona crossed her left arm over her chest, using her wrist to prop her right elbow while she tapped her index finger against her lip. She studied Callie, who still wore the lopsided wig. She pursed her lips in disgust. "Damn it. I hate losing cases on flimsy evidence and a technicality. Since Officer Lacey does, indeed, resemble someone who was once on my witness stand, I'm willing to offer a deal rather than take this to trial."
"I am too sober to be involved with this level of crazy." Cristina muttered as she tossed back a shot of tequila.
Alex stumbled into the kitchen and braced himself on one of the kitchen chairs. "Go ahead, make my drink," Alex said to Meredith and Cristina, drunkenly swaying back and forth. He hadn’t notice the blonde who parked herself next to him.
"Really, Inspector Callahan," Arizona groaned, rolling her eyes. "Is that all you can come up with?"
"What?"
"Clearly your judgment is impaired. If you're planning on driving anywhere, you will be suspended, or possibly even terminated if you keep drinking as you are."
"Huh?"
"Drunk and on-duty can result in suspension or termination of employment, Regulation 31.10.29" Arizona said, still in lawyer mode. "In addition, your weapon isn't exactly regulation either." Arizona looked over the top of her glasses, having previously discovered the awesome effect of her stare on Lexie.
Meredith leaned into her best friend and whispered. “I didn’t know Robbins knew so much about the law.”
Cristina snorted. “She doesn’t. She’s just making shit up.”
“What? No, she couldn’t be.”
“She’s winging it. She’s just using the birthday or year of whoever she’s talking to or days of October as her code. How did you not notice that?”
“Tequila,” Meredith answered with a smirk as she turned her attention back on Alex and Arizona.
"What?" Karev said irritably at his boss’s latest recitation of some dumb law that he’d never heard of.
"Let's not dismiss what is clearly your greatest offense. Party regulation 20.10.10," she said with a straight face. "Failure to comply with the Halloween costume requirements. Harry Callahan is a movie character, not a television character."
"Whatever. The movies are on TV now. It's the same thing."
"That argument won't fly in my courtroom, Inspector."
Karev stared open mouthed at the blonde. "You're more annoying as a lawyer than you are as a surgeon," he blurted.
Cristina cackled loudly into her drink as Arizona walked away from Alex in a huff.
Arizona grabbed Callie’s arm and pulled her into the hall outside of the kitchen. “We need to discuss your plea arrangement for your infraction of Article 10.26.12 of the revised code.”
“My what?” Callie’s drunken mind couldn’t keep up with the various statutes Arizona spouted in every other sentence.
“The costume infraction.”
Before Callie could argue the semantics of their costume miscommunication, Derek’s mother walked up to the pair.
"And can I ask who are you supposed to be?" Caroline Shepherd asked, noticing the two women who were clearly a couple, although their costumes indicated otherwise.
"We were supposed to be Cagney and Lacey. Bad ass detectives," Callie replied, her words slightly slurred.
"We never agreed to that, Calliope. You said that's what you wanted. I wanted us to be Cabot and Benson, which I thought we had agreed upon." Arizona stated crossing her arms over her chest. “I clearly remember stating my case.” Arizona blushed as she recalled exactly how she had persuaded Callie. “And you had agreed to the terms of the plea bargain.”
"Were either of you even born when Cagney & Lacey was on?" Caroline interrupted the women.
"Of course," Arizona said perkily, not quite as drunk as her girlfriend.
"Maybe, but I doubt you were old enough to watch it."
“I’ll have you know I was…” Arizona began to argue.
"R-re-runs!" Callie stuttered as she began to interrupt. "Re-runs. We saw them on re-runs." She draped her arm over the blonde's shoulders. Pleased with her quick answer, the Latina kissed Arizona sloppily on the cheek.
"Well, I can tell you, Cagney and Lacey were never THAT close," Caroline Shepherd remarked.
“Of course they were,” Arizona aka Alex Cabot said confidently.
“They most certainly were not.”
“Did Mary Beth Lacey or did she not name her daughter after her partner?” Arizona said, her voice insinuating that partner meant more than partner.
“Not exactly.”
“Her daughter was named after her mother and Christine Cagney,” the blonde pointed out. “Alice Christine Lacey.” Arizona’s voice was smug. “And it was only Mary Beth Lacey’s intervention and love that got Cagney to stop drinking.”
“They were friends and partners,” Mrs. Shepherd said.
“Furthermore, there was that episode when Lacey was shot and she confronted Christine about her feelings.”
Callie eyes went back and forth from one woman to the other. From everything she’d seen earlier in the evening, one did not go toe-to-toe with Caroline Shepherd. The Latina was proud, and oddly enough, a little turned on by her girlfriend’s assertiveness. Lawyer Arizona Robbins was turning out to be a lot hotter than just the power suit she was wearing.
“They were partners and friends,” Mrs. Shepherd argued. “They had each other’s backs.”
“And I’m sure it wasn’t just each other’s backs they had.”
“I can see you aren’t going to change your incorrect position,” Caroline Shepherd said. The older women left the two women standing there as she went off in search of a glass of wine.
“Wow, she’s kinda scary,” Callie said once the woman was out of earshot.
Arizona stepped back from Callie, her eyes raking the Latina’s uniform clad body, then she looked across the room at Derek’s mother. “She really could pass for an older, more mature Mary Beth Lacey,” she commented, moving back to Callie, her body pressing up into her girlfriend’s.
Callie quirked an eyebrow up at the blonde’s last statement. “Mrs. Shepherd is doing it for ya? Really, counselor?”
Arizona was torn between honesty and lying. Opting for honesty she pushed even closer to Callie, and ran a hand over Callie's jacket. “It's the Lacey thing.” She tugged on Callie’s black tie, untucking it from her shirt and added in a low voice, “and the uniform.”
Callie’s right eyebrow quirked upward. “Y’know, when George and I were married, we lived here for a little while.”
“Talking about your dead ex-husband is not conducive towards getting me in your panties, Officer Lacey.”
Callie ignored Arizona’s comment. “And while we were living here, we managed to christen every room of this house except one. The laundry room.”
“You really suck at role playing.”
“We even managed to do it in Meredith’s bedroom once. Although now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure he was thinking about her the entire time.”
"Officer Lacey, if you continue with this line of conversation, I will be forced to..."
"Oooo you like it forceful, huh?" Callie wiggled her eyebrows as she stepped closer to Arizona.
Arizona stepped backward only to find herself against the wall. "This-this-this is conduct unbecoming of a New York City police officer. I'll have your badge for this."
"New York? I thought we were in Seattle." Callie pressed her lips firmly against Arizona's.
“I’ll have you know this is a direct violation of…”
“Oooo, you want me to violate you, huh?”
“That is not what I…”
Callie switched tactics. “I believe I’ve got probable cause for a warrant for the laundry room, Miss Cabot. There was a suspicious white powder on top of the washing machine. I believe Dr. Quinn and Magnum are running a mobile meth lab in their laundry room.”
Arizona removed a folded blue paper from inside her suit jacket. “It’s a good thing I know the mother of a judge. Once I get her signature, I’ll go meet you to search the premises and ensure you follow the directives of the warrant.”
“Is the coast clear?” Mark interrupted, sidling up to the two women.
“What do you mean?”
“Mrs. Shepherd.”
“What did you do now, Mark?” Arizona asked.
“She just won't let up on me tonight.”
“Did she find out you slept with all her daughters?” Callie asked with a knowing smirk.
“I don't think so.”
Arizona turned to Mark, slipping back into character. “Technically, since he slept with Addison, he has slept with Derek by association. Therefore, he's slept with all the Shepherd children. Why not just go for the hat trick and sleep with Mrs. Shepherd?” Arizona removed her prop glasses and chewed on the earpiece thoughtfully.
Mark’s jaw dropped in horror and he cringed at the blonde’s arguments. “That’s SICK, Robbins! Just... SICK!”
The Plastic surgeon walked away shaking noticeably as the two women laughed. Callie faced Arizona. “Weren’t you supposed to get a signature on that warrant for the laundry room?”
“Seriously? You really want me to get a warrant?”
Callie slid her hand down Arizona’s back and cupped the blonde’s firm ass. “We wouldn’t want to do anything… illegal, would we?” she asked in a husky voice.
The tone of her girlfriend’s voice sent a shiver down Arizona’s spine. “Uh… no… we wouldn’t want that,” she stammered.
“Then you’d better get that warrant, counselor,” Callie said, giving Arizona a gentle squeeze.
“Oh, yes, right away, Officer Lacey.”
Arizona stepped away from Callie to clear her head. She took the blue piece of paper back out of her suit pocket, along with a pen. She quickly scribbled some notes and filled in the blanks on the pre-made ‘warrant’. Spotting Mrs. Shepherd across the room, the Peds surgeon squared her shoulders and approached Derek’s mother, who was deep in conversation with Chief Webber and Miranda Bailey.
“Mrs. Gray, may I have a moment of your time?” Arizona asked in the most professional, courteous tone she could muster given the amount of alcohol she had imbibed.
Caroline Shepherd looked at the blonde. She had found her a little annoying earlier, but she couldn’t help but admire her courage. ‘Ballsy’ was the first word that came to her mind as she considered the younger woman. No, that didn’t quite fit her. ‘Spunky’ was more fitting a word.
“Yes, Counselor?”
“I need to have my search warrant signed. Since your daughter is a judge, could you sign in loco absentia?”
“None of my daughters are…“ The older woman paused, realizing that the woman in front of her was still in character and referring to her ‘TV’ daughter.
“I don’t know if that’s legal, Ms. Cabot.”
“Time is of the utmost importance ma’am. Robbins v. Shepherd clearly states that…”
Mrs. Shepherd held up her hand to stop the flow of pseudo-legal jargon coming from the other woman’s mouth. “I suppose I could just this once.”
Arizona handed her the fake warrant along with a pen. “Just sign and date it right here,” she said, pointing out the line on the paper.
“And this is to search the laundry room?” Caroline Shepherd asked as she quickly reviewed the document.
“Yes. Officer Lacey believes illegal activity is taking place there.”
“Hmmm. That’s a little surprising.” She hesitated until she noticed the small look of desperation on the blonde’s face. “I suppose it can’t hurt to look, can it?” she commented, signing ‘Maxine Gray’ with a flourish. “Here you go.”
“Thank you so much, Mrs. Gray. We really appreciate it.”
“I hope you’re successful with your search,” she called out as Arizona left the room in search of her girlfriend; her hot, hot girlfriend. Caroline returned her attention to the other two party guests. “Do either of you know where the restroom is?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve only been here once,” Bailey replied sipping on her rum and Coke.
“Possibly off the kitchen somewhere?” Chief Webber supplied shrugging his shoulders. “I know for certain there’s one upstairs, but I’m pretty sure there’s one on the main floor.”
Mrs. Shepherd excused herself and headed in the general direction of the kitchen. She paused momentarily when she heard Cristina Yang tell Meredith that Derek should have dressed as Quincy, ME so they could be matching Quinn’s. Caroline thought about commenting but decided the need to find the elusive bathroom was a more pressing issue than her son’s choice of costume.
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