long time no see!!!
I must say that I haven’t written in this thing in forever-I have become more of myspace fan to tell the truth! and I don’t think anyone still reads this thing anymore. However, I was looking at it and I realized how much my life has changed since last summer, how much I've leaned about myself and how much I have grown this past year! I also just realized a few things about myself just by reading my entries from last summer! As this iPod blasts in my ear with the sounds of atreyu, hellogoodbye, the offspring, and the starting line (all acts in this weekends Warped tour!!! Which I’m totally attending!!!!) I reminisce on the summer and the past year! The summer of 2005 is accelerating into a screeching halt only to dump me in the unrecognizable junior year of high school! Sophomore year held much heartache (most caused by me not to me-lolx!!), gossip, clashes, shit-talking (completely different from the previously mentioned gossip), hard work, and panicked moments. Yet, these times all showed me something about this world around me. I realized that those who smile most often are usually the ones hurting most within, just because a friend doesn’t tell you every problem or event in their life doesn’t mean they don’t want to share it with you, sometimes letting someone get close isn’t such a bad thing, and losing someone is more hurtful then anyone can describe to you but gaining a TRUE friend is more joyful then can be explained either. I also realized that people are ALWAYS going to judge you, and most of the time it’s in the most negative way possible, so not caring is really just the greatest feeling in the world! On the subject of personal dilemmas, well: I realized that I don’t let people near me. I close off the world as if it where some virus that would kill me if too much was known. My closest friends don’t know the real me….I don’t even know the real me seeing as with every person I’m hiding a different part of me. I find this strange seeing as I also look to my friends for every step I take. I know I shouldn’t take certain people’s opinions so highly---they aren’t me! But for some reason I can’t help it! If one person doesn’t like one thing I’m doing-I change it-no questions asked! I also learned that I have a problem….a BIG problem…I’m a procrastinator! MAJOR!!! I don’t know how this is going to affect the future me but as of right now it’s simply tangling my life even further! I become conscious to the fact that somethings aren’t worth knowing! I shouldn’t get myself involved-fix my own life---make myself perfect (YEA RIGHT!!!) then I can help others---in the mean time-FUCK THEM! Lolx! What's more, being a bitch makes life sooooo much easier! Lolx! The thing I just learned from reading past journals is that I can’t make decisions to save my life-especially with my love life! Boys are the most complicated creatures on the planet-strike that---girls are the most complicated things on the planet! My dilemmas from last summer have only gotten more complex since the year has passed and more have added to them! Every single boy has returned and so have my feelings! Why is it that those feelings never go away? Even with the boys that the situations were solved I still long for them! What’s with that? I always want what I can’t have---once I’ve got it I don’t want it! Now that I realize these things about myself where do I go from here? Will the rest of high school show me the answers or simply point me in the direction of more things I need to fix? Other then all this mental crap, not much has changed---well except my taste in music, my hair, and these acrylic nails which I can tell you are a pain in my ass to type with! Lolx! G2G!
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